When Sex Isn’t The Best

February 16th, 2009

Sometimes sexual intimacy, even with those we love the most, is a bit of a letdown. It can be disappointing for everyone involved. A caring partner wants his or her lover to feel pleasure and it can be just as frustrating when the pleasure we seek is just out of reach. Nevertheless, it’s completely normal and there are a lot of factors which can occasionally put a dent in our sex lives. The important thing is to recognize there is nothing “wrong” with either partner and allowing these instances to bring down our sex lives in general does no one any good. But before you go and get all hotheaded, keep these things in mind:

Sex will sometimes disappoint
It happens. It has happened before and it will happen again but letting a handful of instances erase your memory of dozens which are excellent won’t make you feel any better. On the other hand, is the ratios are reverse, perhaps your sex life can use some sprucing up.
Sexual performance is not always linked to attraction, emotion or even physical pleasure.
Your health, lack of sleep, stress level, medication, anxiety to perform and mental preoccupation with anything can all lead to less than desirable sex. If you have been busy, overworked, under nourished or are suffering from a medical ailment, sex may suffer, too. If your mind is elsewhere, too busy to focus on pleasure, how can you expect sex to be wonderful? Rest assured that if some sessions in the sack are less than perfect, it doesn’t mean you don’t find your partner attractive, love them or enjoy what they do and the same applies when roles are reversed!
We all have off days.
Maybe you’re an excellent speaker, writer, artist, performer, mathematician or scientist. Even experts have “off” days and they learn to take them in stride. Few, if any, people are at their best 24/7.
We learn from our mistakes.
No one who ever did anything amazing stopped after their first set back. Some kept up, failure after failure, until they came up with something that worked. I doubt Einstein or Steve Jobs or DaVinci gave up just because the job was tough and neither should you.
It doesn’t have to hurt your relationship.
Sometimes we take it personally when our partners aren’t experiencing as much pleasure as we’d like them to but communication goes a long way. If you couldn’t orgasm don’t storm out of the room; let your partner know that he or she did everything you expected and more but, hey, it’s just “one of those days.”

When you’ve taken a deep breath and accepted these facts, then it might be time to figure out why sex was lacking but do not assign blame.It might be one of the issues highlighted before or something else completely. When you recognize the issue, you can do more to fix it? Stressed? Lay off the caffeine, cut out projects which are unnecessary and stop spreading yourself so thin. Take more time for you (take a bubble bath, do a crossword or nap), add more foreplay and focus on your senses rather than just getting off. Interference from your health or medication? Talk to your doctor. Preoccupied? Take time to unwind after your day before hopping into bed. Once you shut the bedroom door, keep your worries out there.

If it helps, have a conversation with your lover to let them know what’s going on inside your mind. Maybe they can help you de-stress, get healthier and wind down after a rough day. Sex is a two-way street and no one expects you to walk it alone.

I know I sometimes (okay, always) have a tendency to focus on the bad and can use a reminder every once in a while: disappointing sex is not the end of the world! One bad session may lower my interest in sex in the recent future but, the truth of the matter is, if you’re too busy focusing on what’s bad, you’ll never feel motivated enough to work toward the good. The sooner you get back on the proverbial horse, the sooner you’ll be enjoying sex again. There’s no use causing further disappointment in your sex life by lamenting over something which is easily fixed and completely normal.

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Happy Valentine’s Day, Or Is It?

February 15th, 2009

Valentine’s Day has always been stressful. Lovers strive to please those with whom they share intimate moments and, usually, their beds. Recipients paste on fake smiles as gifts don’t measure up or fail to come at all. Sometimes, the surprise is ruined by emergencies and unexpected intrusions by life’s practicalities. Of course, Valentine’s Day is always full of mass produced trinkets, cards and waxy chocolates which can sometimes seem to reduce the sincerity of the holiday. And sometimes, just sometimes, it’s as perfect as we all wish it to be (I haven’t experienced yet but my sources tell me this is the case).

Those perfect days are few and far between, judging from the what the internet has to say and the advent of “Single’s Awareness Day” which we all know is simply a holiday somebody invented because Valentine’s Day made him feel down in the dumps; most people are not fans of this holiday. I could go either way, myself. If you have someone and care to make it special, it can be despite the capitalistic spin it’s taken. On the other hand, it’s easy to look at as simply another day out of the year.

But why is it that Valentine’s Day and other similar holidays (New Year’s Eve Kiss, anyone?) cause so many to feel so much spite and, yes, even intense hatred? I’d say it likely has much to do with the fact that these celebrate love and praise the status of being “taken.” Now, I have nothing against love or finding someone who compliments you so well that you want to dedicate (at least a portion of) your life to them but, in praising this status, Valentine’s Day suggests that those who have not obtained such a status, regardless of the reason, are somehow inferior.

And no one wants to feel inferior. So we do everything in our power to be apart of the “in” crowd from sending ourselves flowers to lying about the lack of a someone special in our life. Of course, some people take a different route and, instead of lying, simply write off Valentine’s Day and even the idea of love itself. I would advise against this because love can be a wonderful thing; I just don’t find it necessary. I think we all should be open to finding love but not desperate to do so.

Furthermore, no one wants to be reminded of the fact that finding a special someone has proven more difficult than we first suspected. Or of our tumultuous previous relationships. Or of exes who broke our hearts (and maybe stole our money, too). Or the one who got away. When our coworkers and classmates get flowers at work or school from lovers to secret admirers, it’s too easy to feel spiteful or to even shed a tear or two – even if we wouldn’t otherwise care.

No matter your hookup status, it does us all good to take a deep breath and remember that Valentine’s Day doesn’t need to be a day where we torture ourselves with unnecessary pressure by trying to find the perfect gift, the perfect dress, the perfect date or the perfect ice cream to sooth our souls. At the end of the day, it is just another day. If you choose to view it as something special, good for you. If you’re enjoying the role of being single, good for you, too. If you’re somewhere in limbo, I hope you come out on top. There’s nothing wrong with treating yourself to flowers to tide you over until next year and don’t forget to take the time to stop and smell them.

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Make love to your long distance lover online

Nikki’s Vibrating Dual Pleasure Pump

February 14th, 2009

Nikki's Vibration Dual Pleasure Pump
N/A from

This is an archived review of a discontinued product.

Now, I must admit my ignorance: I have no idea who Nikki is. I do know I tend to shy away from [Insert Star here]’s [Insert Toy Here] because they tend to be a lot of hype and expect the toy to tell simply because of who is half naked on the front of the package. I also know that I have heard more discouraging reviews of pump-style toys for women than encouraging ones, and it took quite a while for me to come around to the idea, and when I did, it seemed to me like most of them don’t look fantastic. They’re still lagging when it comes to quality. Still, I thought this concept had a lot of potential and selected Nikki’s Vibrating Dual Pleasure Pump because, while it does boast a half-naked so-and-so, it also seemed to be a better toy than many other pumps.

This toy is made up of a suction cup with purple pump and a small vibrator that reminds me of a mini pocket rocket minus the end you touch yourself with – hence the “dual pleasure,” or so I assume. In fact, the suction cup is actually a part of the vibrator in a way. I thought the combination of both parts was actually pretty good. Nikki’s Vibrating Dual Pleasure Pump showed up in a small paperboard box, was encased in a plastic bag and also included 6 batteries. 6! This is because the vibrating portion of the toy takes 3 batteries at a time, so it’s nice to have extra, but I don’t see myself running out to the store to replace these watch-style batteries on a frequent basis.

Although this toy was marketed more as a nipple pump and is much smaller than most clit pumps (the circumference of the cup is almost exactly the size of a dime), I used it on my clit instead. I first played around suctioning the cup to my finger and was surprised at the strength of the suction. It wasn’t like I couldn’t break the seal, but it latched on to my finger right away, and I was immediately more hopeful about this toy than I had been when I first ordered it.

Trying out the vibrator, on the other hand, was disappointing. The batteries wanted to fall into the toy the wrong way and the twist-on battery cap (you know the on, off, open style) didn’t want to close. That style is also extremely easy to accidentally open when you’re turning it off. The vibrations were extremely weak, as I expected them to be, considering their power source. Watch batteries just don’t pack a lot of punch and, apparently, don’t last long either. My first use was probably 20 – 30 minutes and the second time I picked up this toy to play, they were dead. I was shocked! I assume I will get another 30 minutes of vibration out of this toy – if that – and then it will fall to the bottom of my toy box because I am not going to replace 3 watch batteries every time I play.

I was going to give this toy a chance, anyway and set to try this out on my erogenous zones and headed straight to my clitoris with the pump. Unfortunately, because of the size, it was a bit of a guessing game to position the cup correctly over my clit. Actually, I must have guessed pretty well because I got it right the first time without having to use my fingers to feel my way around. Still, other times proved more difficult and I did have to do some finger feelin’.

I was able to create a suction right away by squeezing the pump and turned the vibration on as well. Overall, the vibration is nothing I would use alone and it certainly won’t send me over the edge but Nikki’s Vibrating Dual Pleasure Pump would probably be a tad bland without it.

I do think the pump could be improved. I would have liked something with more progressive pressure (like the blood pressure cuff, I guess) so that I could increase the suction by pumping. I wanted it to feel more like someone was sucking on my clit. I found myself wanting to pump again, which actually breaks the seal rather than providing more suction. However, you never have to worry about being sucked into some swirling vortex; one quick squeeze and your tender parts are free – whether for better or worse is up to you.

I enjoyed tugging lightly at this sex toy while it was secured to my clit. It provided a very different sort of stimulation. I also played with unsucking and resucking Nikki’s Vibrating Dual Pleasure Pump to my clit, but I think both of these methods would have been improved with a bigger, stronger suction cup (like I said, progressively suction).

By the way, I did try this as a nipple toy and found I could not get it to suck around my nipples at all. My nipples seemed too large (which I don’t think they’re abnormally large by any shot), but it could be that the nipple area is dry, compared to the clitoral area, which is more moist and possibly more conducive to suction. Either way, my nipples aren’t sensitive at all so it didn’t do anything for me there.

While this was both nice and different, and I definitely think that suction-style sex toys are something every woman should at least try, it was not an amazing sex toy. It wasn’t something that was going to get me off by its features alone, but I do not have a super sensitive clit. It would be better for teasing or warm up and I don’t really do that. I would rather have a really powerful suction cup that allows me to adjust the level of suction.

I’m not sure if what I want actually exists, or maybe I have to design it myself. Nikki’s Vibrating Dual Pleasure Pump had stronger suction than I expected, but it just didn’t do a whole lot, and I cannot recommend this toy for anything other than warming up. If you want a toy that does it all, this is not the toy for you.

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Paris Duckie

February 12th, 2009

Paris Duckie
from

This is an archived review of a discontinued product.

When Babeland first offered the Paris I Rub My Duckie for review, I was hesitant. After all, the duckie I really had my eye on was the Bondage version with his leather, spikes and bright red ball gag. Still, the entire line from Big Teaze Toys is pretty appealing, and I thought that I certainly wouldn’t be any worse off if I decided to add the Paris duckie to my collection; I’d already had a pretty good experience with the I Rub My Wormie so I opted for the duckie, and soon she was at my doorstep.

I expected the Paris Duckie to be more of a novelty, and I had read various accounts of how the duckie line performed; some folks loved it and were surprised by the amount of vibration they provided, while others were sorely disappointed. I was ready to accept the duckie even if she didn’t rock my world; I’d still smile every time I saw her in the shower, especially because our new shower caddy had a perfect place for her to perch. For anyone who needs a discreet toy, the Paris (or any other) Duckie is really a good solution.

My Paris Duckie was pink (although she is also available in black and white), and she arrived in a cylindrical container with a carry strap. She appeared to be on stage in her package and it was obviously this is definitely designed to show off her cute looks! With her lips painted pretty and pink, lashes dark and a little “diamond” nose stud, the Paris Duckie is not only cute but extremely feminine. In fact, I’d say the Paris Ducky is probably the only of the Duckie line which is specifically female. My Duckie was topped off with a feather boa around her neck in matching pink. All in all, she is pleasing to the eye and can get away with being in plain sight without giving you away.

But when I set out to actually prep my Duckie for use, I noticed 2 things which were not only annoying but counterproductive to my enjoyment of this discreet vibrator. First, I removed the boa because I knew it would not do well in wet conditions. Luckily, the boa is not a full circle but 1 piece with velcro on either end. As I undressed my pink Paris Duckie, I knew I would never put the boa back on. Although cute in pictures and for the first 30 seconds she is in the package, the boa is definitely a pretty useless piece of the Paris Duckie. My cats soon commandeered the boa, which had been sitting on my desk, and it will probably wind up in the trash eventually. If you actually plan to use the Paris Duckie (or at least keep it in the shower for decoration), the boa does no good. To top it off, I found the Duckie less pretty without her boa.

The other thing which I found frustrating is that the battery compartment, which is located on the Duckie underside, is screwed shut. This is the first toy I have had like that and I really find that unacceptable in a toy. All our screw drivers are in a toolbox outside, in our storage area, so I had to fetch one to open her up. Of course, my cats also stole that one so I had to get another when I wanted to take the batteries out. This was annoying enough to me but if you’re the type who stores toys without their batteries, I imagine you will soon tire of the hassle of removing the battery compartment cover.

Once batteries were installed (2AA), I tested out the Duckie. Squeezing her abdomen turns on her only speed which was surprisingly powerful. Yet, I also thought she was rather loud, which isn’t something you want if discreetness is a priority. To test my theory, I had my husband stand inside the bathroom, outside the bathroom and in the bedroom while I stood inside the running shower to see if he could detect the duckie. Luckily, he couldn’t even hear her when he was in the bathroom with me so I think I was perhaps super alert to the Duckie’s vibes.

I found the vibration to be the shakey type which I tend to like over most of my toys. Still, the vibrations were not as strong as I’d really liked. My favorite way to use my Duckie is with her tail against my clit (so she and I are facing the same way), but the vibrations were about the same strength throughout the toy. Because of her unique shape, the Paris Duckie isn’t good for insertion but I’m a clit girl anyway.

Although I found the vibrations of the Duckie to be enjoyable and even cause some spasms, I was not going to cum. I find it difficult to orgasm standing, so I headed to the bedroom. Here, I worked toward and orgasm, and while it did come, it was a long time in the making and not very pleasurable. It was also due mostly to my own efforts rather than Duckie’s. Sadly to say, this will not be my go-to toy.

When I used the Duckie in bed, I also used it with lube, and this led to another disappointment. Lube and liquids seemed to be getting into the battery compartment because it didn’t fit flush against the Duckie. Not only does this create concerns about safety (could the battery compartment be harboring bacteria?) but how would this duckie do in water? I expected my Duckie to do well in water and the packaging even says she will float but I was dubious. I filled my sink with water to test and discovered she does float – and upright! However, I was also right that some water was getting into the battery compartment. It wasn’t much and did not cause damage but I definitely would not use this toy completely submerged. I feel confident that my Duckie will be okay where she sits in the shower but she is not in the line of water. For a supposedly waterproof toy, this oversight is shocking.

Nevertheless, my Paris Duckie remains sitting on my shower caddy and looking ever-so-cute. She does bring a smile to my face and I’m sure I’m not the only one. If you don’t require super strong vibes to get off and are in need of a discreet vibrator, the Duckie just might do the trick. However, if you’re looking for a strong and versatile toy, the Paris Duckie probably won’t float your boat (ha!)

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Bijoux Indiscrets cosmetics for better sex

and Marriage

February 11th, 2009

Before him, I had never considered marriage. I thought it was a sham, for shmucks and fools. A silly peace of paper which meant nothing. After all, love doesn’t need to be legal and I hadn’t ever known any marriage which I could consider healthy or inspiring. Everyone in my family who had ever been married had also been divorced. (Most also remarried as well). My mother’s first marriage was full of verbal abuse and other strife. It was no wonder I had no faith in marriage. But he would change all that.

I don’t know when exactly but I know, after some time, I decided I wanted to be with him for a good, long while. Eventually, that turned to the thought of marriage. Before we had the chance to meet, he would occasionally question me “Marry me?” “Of course” I would respond and I meant it even if our conversation wasn’t serious. I would smile at the thought at being his wife. If you had told me 6 years ago that this would be the case, I wouldn’t have been able to imagine this change. I would have vehemently denied it and probably insulted you with a flurry of profanity which would have left you flabbergasted.

And so, we met and hit things off. We enjoyed each others’ company until a night where a conversation with my room mate turned sour. We had been talking about plans which had never come to fruition and she said “Of course, you never expected that to happen” as though everyone else in the world had seen the future and I was being naive. I flew off the handle, marched out of the room and locked myself into the bedroom to cry.

I was angry at her for saying such things. I feared they were true. I worried I would never to amount to anything. I knew things weren’t going the way I had planned. I didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life, what I was doing or how I was going to do anything.

Amidst all this, he knew. He knew he wanted to make me his wife so we could be together for the rest of our lives. He consoled me and hugged me and tried to convince me I wasn’t a failure. He told me he loved me and then he did something I never saw coming: he proposed.

I did what I knew I would do for months: I said yes.

Out of defeat and disappointment came new hope and happiness. Of course, he would decide that his proposal was not good enough – the two of us lying in bed, in the dark, me crying. So he turned on the light, got dressed and knelt down on one knee to do it again, the “right” way. But it wasn’t the second proposal which meant the world to me; he had already changed my life. It was the first proposal which had weight, the first proposal which I still remember.

He left soon after and I began searching for rings online. Was I crazy? I had accepted a proposal from a guy I had known, in the flesh, less than a month. But it felt right and I soon picked out a very unique ring; a pink stone with diamond accents. It was set in silver which I loved. Silver has such a history to it and most jewelry is not made of silver anymore.

He began basic training with the military almost immediately after leaving me. He continued to train after it finished and he planned to see me once more before making his way overseas, where he would be stationed for 2 years. Somewhere in the mix, he suggested we get married while he was there. I was against the idea; a part of me wanted that fairy tale wedding. I wanted to be the princess but I knew that would take time to plan and money. He persisted; I resisted.

And then something funny happened. I became giddy at the thought of being his wife and afraid of the time we would have to spend apart while he served. I began to come around to the idea of getting married during his next visit and, eventually, I told him we should. By that time, he had come around to my original way of thinking – isn’t that just how it goes?

We went back and forth for a couple months and then he was visited. I was set in being married and he had become terrified of the idea. But I was convincing, as always, and we intended to head down to the courthouse and have it done on a Friday. There were some kinks in our plan and we only wound up getting our license that day. We scheduled a time for the ceremony the Monday after and returned with 2 friends of mine in tow, a knot in his stomach. For the life of me, I cannot remember how it went.

I remember waiting, however. I remember meeting the judge, walking into the court room. I remember my friends standing back. I remember we were dressed casual, too casual. I remember the judge asking if we had rings to exchange: we didn’t. I remember my friend took a picture on her phone, the only picture of our “wedding,” which neither of us have ever seen. I remember stumbling over my vows because my mouth was not working right.

I remember leaning in for a kiss and tight hug as we were pronounced husband and wife. I remember his whispering “I love you” into my ear and that, as the saying goes, is all she wrote.

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and Meeting

February 7th, 2009

We had known eachother for over a year when we began meeting. He would fly to see me but where would he stay? Our conversations started shortly before I moved out from my mom’s house. Everything depended on my best friend and I getting the apartment we had applied for. We did.

A little over a month passed and 2 friends and I headed to the airport. I was nervous, of course. We sat in the lobby and waited. As time passed, my stomach grew more upset and I grabbed my friend’s hand so hard she yelped.

Then I saw him. I did not want to get up right away. I was nervous and this gave him the impression that I did not see him. And then, I was walking toward him, friends in tow. I was standing in front of him, we hugged. I stepped back and he, very visually, looked me up and down. From a stranger, this would have been rude. From him, it was more than flattering. Anyone who has met someone online can surely sympathize with the fear that your beloved will not be so attracted to you upon meeting.

My fears allayed, we headed to a restaurant but neither of us were hungry. We were too nervous. I ordered hot chocolate, accidentally dipped my nose in the whipped cream. We had a laugh as I cleaned it off. He sat to my leg, nervously bouncing his leg. I put my hand on his thigh to assure him. I remember thinking this was a bad idea. I felt defeated. The so-called meal passed, we rose and he offered to pay. As my friends walked out into the parking lot, I reached my arms around his neck to hug him and he returned the hug. My soul breathed a sigh of relief.

We exited to the car, entered the backseat as my friend drove us home. We put our arms around eachother, awkward with out winter clothing in the way and cuddled. I remember feeling for the first time in my entire like that everyone would be okay. Such a weight was lifted from my shoulders.

We spent the next days mostly in bed. I remembering crawling next to him the first time, feeling so nervous but we lay next to eachother and it felt wonderful. Cuddling and, after a few days, having sex. One day we were hanging out with my friend and room mate, then announced we were headed to bed. She had asked how we could sleep so much and we laughed. We hadn’t been sleeping that whole time!

Those days passed in a haze and soon I had to return to work – night shift. Of course. My coworker wanted to know how it went; he spotted the hickeys on my neck and teased me. He guessed it went well. I was ecstatic.

Who knew it would turn out that way? Certainly not me.

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Get up to 30% off at MysteryVibe

and Love

February 6th, 2009

Although this blog is entitled of Sex and Love, I don’t often talk about the love aspect much. I don’t really talk about there sex that much, come to think of it. As it happens, I spend more time thinking about sex than actually having it and it’s not necessarily a bad thing. As much as I didn’t want to post explicitly about my sex life under my real name, I feel hesitant to post too much identifying information about my love life here. Still I thought I could at least introduce you to the object of both my love and desire: my husband.

We met online over 5 years ago. We both weren’t looking for anyone and our relationship started out sexually charged. It has stayed that way ever since. There is never a day when he isn’t groping my breasts or my ass and while it can be a bit annoying (I insisted on a no funny business in the kitchen rule!), it’s also insanely flattering. The way he is so easily aroused by just lying next to me is incredibly arousing in itself and he has never once made me feel that he thinks of me anything less of beautiful.

In bed, he’s quick to profess how he’s missed being inside me, missed tasting me. He showers me with compliments and is always eager to have his face between my legs, mouth working around my clit. I cannot help but smile as I see him move his hand beneath him to stroke his own cock as he does this, like clockwork. Seeing him so turned on by me, by pleasing me, only turns me on.

We will be married 4 years this summer. Unfortunately, I don’t think he will be able to be here for our anniversary as he is currently deployed. Such was the case for our first anniversary as well; although he still sent me roses which I kept by my bed until not a petal was left.

He is goofy and cute, funny and real. This adorable awkwardness is how I knew he was real when we chatted online, staying up until all hours of the morning as we shared naughty pictures and racy words. He is simply the best partner I’ve ever found at cybersex and I would often feel the thrill rushing through my veins, my pussy dripping wet as we typed back and forth.

I miss how he makes me laugh. Sometimes I do something and imagine how he might make fun of me. I miss his voice. I miss the voice he would use in bed, slightly lowered and whispering into my ear. I miss feeling his body next to me, even just as we sleep. I miss crawling into bed next to him, kissing the skin on his back and cuddling close. I miss spooning, his cock hard against my ass. Even if nothing would happen, he was ever-erect.

I miss grasping his hair, my hand on the back of my head as he goes down on me. I miss leaning over him, brushing my lips and tongue over his chest, skin perfectly smooth. I loved to leave marks and he loved to be marked. It lets the world know that he is mine. Before he left, he asked to do the same to me and sucked on my own neck. I never looked in the mirror to see if it left a mark. I wish I would have.

I miss the look and the feel of his hips. So fucking sexy. I miss groping and grabbing him. I miss humping and grinding against him, his leg, his hip, his cock, his face. I miss coming together and falling asleep after.

I could kick myself for not doing that more often. I will when he returns.

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