This is Why Your Online Sex Toy Store Sucks

April 12th, 2010

Don’t deny it.

  • There is no “new additions” page.
  • There is no way to arrange products by price.
  • Options for product arrangement exist but do not work.
  • Users cannot tell which category a toy falls into.
  • All your prices fall in the under $30 dollar range.
  • All your products fall in the over $75 range.
  • Both of the above.
  • Any category contains less than five items.
  • There are no page navigation links (“Page 1”, “Page 2,” “Next,” and “Previous”) on both the top and bottom of the page.
  • Links take the user to a different part of the site without indicating how to return to where they were before.
  • Different colors are listed as separate products. (Personal comment: cut it the fuck out!).
  • You have no concept of material safety.
  • Items are described with manufacturer-supplied images or descriptions.
  • And the generic supplied information isn’t even listed with the correct toy.
  • Toys that are in no way safe for anal play are recommended for anal play.
  • Your site is just an affiliate shop.
  • Your site has only been tested in one browser.
  • The home/index page links to sections that cannot be found via any other page.
  • Every toy is made of jelly.
  • Every porno you stock is straight.
  • You rename products from their box name.
  • The images in your shop: do not work, have been resized until the subject is unrecognizable, are taken in light that even bats would find low, are only icon sized, are of the wrong product, include more than 2 products which are not included and/or are intended to grossly misrepresent the size of the product.

Let’s be honest here, all of these things fall into one of two categories: site usability and product selection. If your site is so horrendous that we cannot use it, we sure as shit ain’t buying from it. And while I don’t expect every toy store to stocks tens of thousands of items, having variety in styles, prices and toy materials is a must. In fact, I would never suggest only stocking high end items because that puts your shop in a niche which I will never have need for. Me? I just want a site which I can browse and enough product variety that something will catch my fancy.

5 Comments


Zone Bliss Purple

April 10th, 2010

The Zone Bliss is a uniquely designed vibrator which automatically earns brownie points for a couple characteristics:

  • It looks like a rocket ship
  • It can be used hands free
  • The base is made of sturdy plastic while the insertable portion is a removable silicone sleeve
  • It’s surprisingly strong
  • The controls are super easy to use

But it falls short in several key ways:

  • The design blocks access to the clit (when used vaginally) unless it is turned so the buttons are unreachable
  • It’s too short for me to actually kneel over
  • The base is too large for me to sit on
  • The texture does not add stimulation
  • The shape is not ideal for storage

The design, although original, is straightforward. A cone shape points upward, resting upon tripod. As I mentioned, the base itself is plastic, and the cone is sheathed in a removable silicone sleeve. This makes cleaning a breeze; you can wipe down the plastic and wash the sleeve with soap and water or clean it with a bleach solution. I was worried about lubes or liquids finding their way beneath the sleeve but, thus far, it has not been a problem. It’s perfectly ‘sealed.’

However, this toy is far from problematic. From the initial insertion, I struggled to find any position in which I could use the Zone Bliss comfortably. I tried kneeling and sitting to no avail. I could not kneel low enough for even half insertion, and the hard plastic of the base pushed uncomfortably when I tried to sit. Some bodies might work better for this, and then, conceivably, the Zone Bliss could rest on an even surface (the legs all have little rubber feet on them, which also dampens the noise of it vibrating against the surface). I bet this would work better in a kneeling position over a firm-ish pillow (perhaps one of the Liberator shapes).

I could use it a little more successfully on my back, with legs up. I was also able to achieve full insertion with this method, but even with the Zone Bliss fully inserted, I experienced more issues.

The two buttons to control this vibrator are on one of the legs. To reach the buttons, I situate this leg so it’s in front of me, but then it blocks access to my clit, and the side legs fight for position where my thighs are. So I can rotate the toy so that no legs are directly in front of me, but then the buttons are not really accessible. It seems to me that it would make more sense to put the buttons on the bottom.

Other than that, the soft plastic buttons are decently sized and easy to find because they’re thick. One turns the toy on and cycles upward while the other turns it off. That’s all it does: turns it off. I wish this button cycled downward, too. There are three speeds of steady vibration, which are a little buzzier than I’d like but surprisingly strong. Then again, it better be for a power source of 3 AAs. In fact, I think I’d like to see more vibrators require the extra battery. Then there are multiple pulsation modes:

  • Short-short-long pulse
  • short repeating pulses
  • This short escalating pulse thing
  • Escalation

After escalation, the steady vibration continues again instead of the toy shutting off. It’s kind of confusing. As you can guess, this toy is not the quietest I have ever owned. Most of the base seems to be hollow plastic, so the vibrations sort of reverberate through it. It’s quieter than it would be when resting on a hard surface because of the rubber feet, but this one just might be heard through a closed door.

If I could find a comfortable position, I might like the way the Zone Bliss feels inserted. I could not detect the embossed “chevron” shapes, but the short, squat shaft was appropriate filling for me without being horrendously long. It stimulated my G-spot, but it is short enough – 3.5″ – and lacks the curve that many women need for G-spot stim. Even if it weren’t a bit of a hassle, I could not recommend this toy to newbies or women who like smaller toys. At the base, the shaft has a diameter of 2″. It does taper slightly toward the tip, but much of the shaft remains around 1.5″ in diameter.

In case you were wondering, this vibe is not meant to be submerged. The battery pack clicks in and out like most remotes, so it’s definitely not waterproof.

The Zone Bliss has a lot of depth, too, which means it cannot be stored just anywhere. Your best bets are in a drawer, on a shelf, or in a deep box. I would not store it in any sort of bag. The Zone Bliss also arrives in a rather large, cylindrical plastic container, which is not at all practical for storage unless you collect unique-looking “hat boxes.”

The Zone Bliss is really the sort of toy that is best for people who like to have novelty toys but don’t necessarily mind if those toys are not all that practical.

2 Comments


Ina Nutshell

April 9th, 2010

Ina is a high quality toy, easy to use and offers a surprising amount of power. It will probably always remain the best G-spot vibrator I will ever try and I may now be a gusher but, as a rabbit? It completely and utterly fails. Anyone wanna trade me a Mona?

3 Comments


Lelo Lily

April 6th, 2010

Lily

Lily
N/A from

Lelo is now on the Lily 3, which you can buy here.

Now, I have never had one of those hot stone massages, but I’ve seen pictures or maybe seen it in the movies, and the Lily by Lelo absolutely reminds me of those small, ergonomic stones. Except this tiny vibrator is designed to caress your most intimate parts while in the palm of your hand, not to do whatever it is that hot stone massage actually does. The black version, which I bought, does remind me quite a bit of a small stone. Granted, Lily is much lighter than any stone would be.

Lily is my first vibratory purchase from Lelo. I had admired it for quite some time but the complaints of low power turned me off. Still, I could not distract myself from a vibe that might work perfectly during sex.

Lily does not come charged, and because I like to use toys right away, I was a bit miffed to have to break out the charger, which sits beneath the tray. Charging was easy; there was an indicator light on the charger itself, and the buttons on Lily flash during charge. The manual indicates that Lily should not be charged for more than 24 hours, and the charge should last up to 2 hours. I took a quick look through the user manual, but Lily is incredibly easy to operate, so it’s probably not necessary.

Right out of the box, I was surprised by Lily’s size. It is only 3″ long and 2″ wide, so it easily fits in the smallest of hands. The Lily is displayed in the box so the side with the buttons faces up. There are two soft, plastic buttons: one button turns on/up the vibrations while the other turns them down/off. When the Lily is charged, the buttons will be ringed with white light. This light turns red when the vibrator needs charging. I like that the buttons are just shy of finger width which makes them easy to find and press.

Below the buttons, the world “Lelo” is embossed. Further down, on the rounded edge is the charger port. This port seems incredibly large to me so I always make sure to cover it when washing (although, a wipe or damp cloth is probably smarter than using soap and water). It would be nice if there were some cover over this port, however.

The exterior of Lily is plastic, which feels almost silky. The appearance is matte as opposed to Nea, a similar vibe that is slick, shiny plastic. I chose Lily specifically for that reason (added friction) but might have been better off choosing Nea.

Lily’s shape reminds me something of a giant bean. The back, which will sit in the palm of the hand, curves softly, while the front is more angular. The functional end comes to more of a point than the curved end where the port is, and Lily’s lines are sleek and contemporary. In use, I can hold Lily so that my thumb can reach both buttons, but the most comfortable and functional way for me to hold it actually prevents me from reaching the buttons. In addition, if Lily is cupping my mons, this completely blocks button access unless I angle it up and away from my body. This seems especially problematic when you consider how many people use vibrators like these during sex. In missionary position, with Lily between two partners, it would be difficult to push the buttons. Otherwise, Lily is only about 1/2″ thick, which makes it pretty unobtrusive during sex.

Lily’s curved shape is generally body-friendly, but I think it would be friendlier to a less fleshy body than mine. If I simply lay it over my mons, Lily will barely graze my clit. I have to apply pressure for it to fit more comfortably between my labia. I am not super fond of pointed toys, generally preferring a broad surface that I can use to stimulate my pubic bone area as opposed to simply my clit. If you like pointed toys, however, Lily might be right up your alley. Quick, wrist movements can somewhat imitate oral sex; however, this leaves me incredibly sore. So sore, in fact, that my arm muscles will hurt the next day.

Once I got the Lily situated and started playing with the vibrations, I was quickly accosted by a high-pitched whine from the motor. As I understand it, this is pretty common for digital motors but, FUCK! it’s annoying. I feel like I now know what it feels like when dogs hear noises people cannot. Aside from that, Lily only ever operates at a low hum, even on the highest setting. You might even get away with using it in the same room as someone else!

Lily does not have an amazing amount of power. The high-pitched vibrations match the high-pitched whine quite well and are entirely focused on the pointed end (another plus for pinpoint lovers). There seem to be multiple levels of continuous vibration (around 7), but they’re so close together that it’s hard to tell. There are also additional pulsation and escalation modes. For the most part, these modes lack the oomph of stronger toys. Lily is definitely best for sensitive clits or warm-up.

One of the nice functions of Lily is that it can be locked when not in use by simultaneously pressing both buttons for 5 seconds. However, I think it might be far more practical to be able to lock it during use because it’s small enough that my fingers struggle for purchase. Still, when Lily is locked and in its storage bag, it’s pretty easy to hide or even travel with.

Lily is incredibly well crafted, without a doubt. Yet, the size and strength of vibrations are not as rewarding to me as the more affordable Layaspot. I cannot honestly see myself reaching for this one frequently – a shame, considering how much I spent on it.

6 Comments


Make love to your long distance lover online

Electric Infrared Massager

April 3rd, 2010

This toy is no longer available, but you can buy an infrared massager like this.

I have a secret. It’s not really that much of a secret, actually. Some like it hot but.. I don’t. Not really. I am not a big fan of heat. I keep my AC on all the time. I hate to sweat. I spend too much time inside on hot summer days because I cannot handle the sun. So I have strayed from heating products. It has been years since I’ve used a heating lube that was not a part of some “his and hers” set. I have never tried warm temperature play. It just didn’t seem appealing. So it was really a bit out of character when I decided to try the Electric Infrared Massager (available at the Adult Toy Shoppe) but sometimes the character we have come to be isn’t the character we should always be, right?

The Electric Infrared Massager comes in a giant blister pack with a tacky insert along with five different attachments for the vibrating side. This massager measures just shy of a foot at 11″, and the handle alone has a circumference of nearly 2″. The actual head has a diameter of 3.5″. The attachments all vary in size and shape but none are larger than the heating element.

The handle itself is about 8″ long and while the length does help offset the weight of the head, it’s still a bit unwieldy. The controls on the Electric Infrared Massager are located on the upper half of the handle, toward the shaft and consist of a single button that slides between the Off, Lo and Hi settings. The button does not slide as smoothly as I would like. Perhaps it is because my hands are small, but I find myself grasping the massager toward the other end of the handle (where it is thinner), and I cannot reach the button without actually moving my hand. I would personally like to see the button moved down and the handle thinner or shortened 2 – 3 inches.

For the most part, the massager is encased in a hard plastic which is metallic red in appearance. The lower half of the shaft is textured, which makes it easier to grasp, and there are a few “details” in black plastic (like the area around the button, which is labeled). This massager has a “flexible” neck which is made of accordion-like plastic. However, the flexibility is limited to maybe 10-15 degrees either way, even with an effort to put pressure on it. I would have preferred a truly flexible head like the one on the Miracle Massager.

The head is mostly spherical, with one side providing the heating stimulation while attachments push on to the other. The heating element side is round, and the element seems to be encased in a dark but translucent plastic. When the element is on, it can be seen glowing red through the plastic. The rounded design is broad but not entirely seamless. This end won’t be inserted, but it can still collect some gunk.

The other side of the head is flattened with a stout post in the center. Each attachment has a round neck, which just fits over this post. Attachments do not lock or click into place; they just fit snugly. There are two small holes in the connecting post, so perhaps the attachments should use a bit of suction as well. The attachments are not difficult to apply or remove, however.

One might think that the attachments themselves have something to do with the heating characteristics of this vibrator but it’s not the case. The attachment side has no heating effect. On the other hand, the rounded, heating side does transmit some of the vibrations because they are focused in the head.

My biggest problem with this vibrator is that the functions are dependent. If you turn it on low vibrations, it will turn on high heat and vice versa. I see no reason why the heating element should be on when you use attachments (because it won’t be touching you anyway). Furthermore, it always felt like the heat was on high when the vibrations were also on high, but this could be due to the massager heating up because of the vibrations. I would have preferred to turn the vibrations on low and the heat on high, rather than what it actually does.

Like many electric vibrators, this one is pretty strong. Maybe not the strongest ever, but it beats out any battery-operated toy I own. The lower setting is definitely deeper and more rumbly; the high setting sometimes is too high pitched for me and causes me to tickle uncomfortable. Surprisingly enough, the Electric Infrared Massager is not super loud. I don’t think it could be heard through a closed door (I couldn’t but my AC is a little loud).

I was not blown away by any of the attachments. I first tried the rounded foam attachment, which was okay but didn’t transmit the vibrations amazingly. Also, I have no idea how sanitary the hard foam really is. In fact, all of the softer attachments are of some mystery material. Perhaps a soft rubber or TPR, but I have no idea what the packaging doesn’t say. I assume the hard attachments are plastic, but I could be wrong.

The single cone attachment will probably work well for folks who like pinpoint stimulation; although, I don’t. I thought the double cone attachment might surround my clit, but, in reality, the points were too far away to hug it nicely. The “tickler” and “wide bumped” heads are both as wide as the entire hide, which makes them really bulky for clit stimulation. I guess my crotch is just not that wide. LOL However, I think that both of those attachments would work nicely for a body massage. Ultimately, I think this design is much better suited for actual massage than sexual stimulation.

I did enjoy the infrared heat, though. It doesn’t get too hot at all. Rather, it sort of feels the way the sun feels on your skin on a comfortable day, just warming you slightly. In fact, I prefer the warmth of the high setting. The reminiscence of a nice day actually makes me feel serene and the heat makes me super aware of the area it is on; I would assume it is drawing blood to the area. However, the head is still quite bulky for use in intimate areas.

The cord is fairly long, about 6′. I can easily use it on my bed because there is an outlet a few feet away, but it’s not something that could be easily used outside, in a vehicle, et cetera, at least, not without an extension cord. Of course, because this is a corded toy, it is not waterproof and should stay far away from the bathroom or pool. Cleaning would best be done with a damp cloth or toy wipe, not running water.

I didn’t know how much I could like heat until I tried the Electric Infrared Massager. However, I feel it would be a better investment if it were fine-tuned so that the settings can be used independently and the controls are easier to reach.

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Alumination

April 2nd, 2010

This is an archive review of a discontinued toy.

Metal is all the rage in sex toys these days, so I wasn’t entirely surprised to see that Doc Johnson has its own vibrating aluminum line, appropriately named Illumination. These petite vibrators are extremely straightforward: a cylindrical shaft topped off with a rounded end.

This vibrator is long and slim – 6″ x .72″ diameter; it seems to essentially be an elongated mini bullet. Although I have not used them, Jimmyjane’s Little Chroma/Steel/Gold vibrators seem quite similar, so this might be a more cost-effective option if you’re wondering whether or not a toy of this style is good for you. The overall feel is weighty and compact,

Because it is so thin, there is potential to use it as a replacement for bullets in certain toys (cock rings), but it could be awkward because of the length. It is good for precise and direct stimulation and would work well externally. It could be angled to hit certain spots internally, but the lack of texture and girth limits its functionality. I did not especially enjoy the sensation inside; it definitely felt a little lacking. Because I like broader external stimulation, I also did not love my Alumination externally, either.

The size and design make it perfect for newbies, though! It’s not intimidating, and the smooth metal is easy to insert with only a touch of lube (if that). I would strongly warn against anal use because there is no flanged base on this one, and it would slip out of a person’s fingers with ease when coated with lube.

However, it’s ridiculously easy to use. There is a single push button on the end of the battery cap. You know the type. Press once to turn it on, press again to cycle through the settings, and then once more to turn it off. This does mean there is no “quick off” function, of course. There are three strengths of continuous vibration, so this vibrator might not be exciting enough for some people. The vibration is higher pitched, and all levels feel similar to me personally, but if you like pinpoint vibrations, these are focused in the last inch or so of the shaft.

In terms of noise, Alumination is not the loudest vibrator I’ve tried nor the quietest. You could safely use it in one room of the house with others home (door closed) but not in the same room.

Because it is metal, you can experiment with temperature play. Let the Alumination rest in a bowl of cool water or ice cubes to chill it. Replace the cold water with warm water, and you will have a different experience altogether. Some might be disappointed that it is not pure metal because the battery cap is plastic, but I didn’t especially notice. The cap screwed on and off easily enough for me to insert 2 AAA batteries and seems fairly secure (to keep them in place, at least). Doc Johnson even claims the Alumination vibrators are waterproof and there is an O-ring where the cap screws on but it does not meet seamlessly with the shaft. There is an additional seam at the end of the shaft where a separate piece of metal caps off the curved end. This piece is glued into place and seems secure but can easily collect gunk.

Aside from that, the sleek surface makes this toy incredibly easy to clean with a wipe and physical dirt will wash right off with water. It won’t collect lint which is one of the things I detest about silicone, so it can be dried with any old towel. It isn’t made of any material that will react, so it can be tossed in a box with other non-reactive materials. Plus, the small size makes it incredibly easy to store (between the mattresses or deep in your pillowcase?) without being found and the same could be said for travel.

I didn’t keep the box because it is quite a bit bigger than the vibe itself but I enjoyed the floral motifs in metallic paint. The box has a friendly, feminine feel to it. While I have not loved every Doc Johnson toy I’ve tried, the box art is usually visually appealing.

The Alumination vibrator seems to be a solid piece that offers some versatility. It’s extremely affordable as well, so it might be a good toy for a newbie. It didn’t knock my socks off but it was a nice experience, regardless.

3 Comments


Make love to your long distance lover online

Apply Within

March 31st, 2010

I have jokingly been creating a check list in my mind for future partners. I guess it’s just a way for me to let off steam regarding my husband’s behaviour, flaws and bad habits. It’s a little resentful but maybe a little smart, too.

Characteristics You Best Not Have

  • Mommy Issues
  • Daddy Issues
  • Aggressive Driving
  • Emotional Score Keeping
  • Inability to recognize or express emotions
  • Knee Jerk Reactions to Every Little Thing
  • Inability to distinguish sex from love
  • Inability to combine sex and love when appropriate

Characteristics You Must Have

  • Sense of Humour
  • Like for Dr Horrible
  • Cat Love
  • Ability to Remain Faithful
  • Understanding of Commitment
  • Fondness for hand holding, cuddling and other physical touch
  • Healthy Interest in Sex
  • Have already been in love
  • Willingness to read books, go to therapy and do other things should the need arise
  • Maturity
  • Tendency toward Geekiness
  • Love for dorky comedies

Hey, guess what? I’m tired and randomly capitalizing things. 😉

PS, I know I could more healthily and happily word all these things as positive “must haves.”

PPS, I’m not really a crazy bitch with a checklist.

4 Comments