Appreciate

January 19th, 2010

I have debated how much to talk about the relationship issues I am experiencing. I do not need to go in depth; I have done that many times in many other places, it seems. Suffice it to say that I love my husband and want him to continue being my husband but he is not sure and so is staying elsewhere for the time being. It’s going on 4 weeks now, 4 incredibly long weeks for the both of us, I’m sure; although, for different reasons.

In those weeks I have done a lot of thinking, come to a lot of realizations and had no fewer than 1 epiphany. In those weeks I have grown to miss my husband something awful. I find myself not just missing the good things but even the things that annoyed me or sometimes made me angry. I simply miss him, all of him.

I miss his love, of course, and all the ways he showed that. I miss the physicality of marriage: hugs, kisses and cuddles. I miss the sex like you wouldn’t believe. I spent so much time no making any effort to have it and now I consider life without it ever again. I dream of him every night and, more often than not, I dream of having sex with him. Then I wake up, here’s not there and I am not well sexed. I have become a perfect example of “you don’t know what you have until it’s gone.” It’s not really an amazing thing, really, because it exemplifies how I was too self absorbed, insecure and otherwise miserable of my own accord to appreciate my husband while he was here. I cannot blame his feelings.

Now, I can fully appreciate how attentive, patient and understanding my husband was, both inside and outside of the bedroom. He is no saint, I realize. We’ve both made our fair share of mistakes and mine, more often than not, was taking for granted the way he made me feel. I could never call him perfect but in him I had found a loving husband and a giving lover yet I remained ignorant of that fact even though there were reminders every single day.

I don’t really want to spend a lifetime appreciating something I let slip through my fingers but I fear the end of my marriage is inevitable.

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Categories: Everything Else

Thank You

November 21st, 2009

A few months ago – and it does seem longer than that – I was blogging about the frustrations of, well, blogging. I was burned out and bummed out and entirely unsure of whether or not I would continue with this whole sex blog thing. A few of you commented and I felt a bit better and then I went back to life as usual which, at the time, included looking forward to yet another anniversary without my husband. Thank you deployment.

In the months since then, I feel like things have turned around. I kept working with some pretty awesome sex toy stores who have provided me with countless products to test (many of which I have bashed on this here blog). I am posting this because I just checked my website stats and my daily unique visitor count has crossed 600. I don’t know when I passed 500 but it’s great to see the continuous rise.

And I guess you like reading those scathing comments and ridiculous praises (sometimes) because I was named number 16 on the Top Sex Bloggers of 2009. I hadn’t even realized, deleted the e-mail when I got it because I figure I got maybe one nomination and no one would even put me on the list but to be 16? Number sixteen? Sweet sixteen? I would never have known, had I not been peeking over at Insatiable Desire to see what Cinnamon is up to and see the post about them being listed. I’m sure I looked like a total bitch because I didn’t reply. But now I did click, I did see, I did reply. My jaw did drop, of course.

Thank you, to whoever nominated me and to the judges. I am listed with and even above some amazing people and awesome writers and I’m grateful to even be on the list, let alone so high.

But that’s not all. I was recently accepted as a Sexpert in California Exotic’s new review program and have been contacted directly by other companies to do some reviews. In fact, I received a comment directly from Nomi Tang herself on my Better Than Chocolate review. Wow. Just wow. So thank you to all the manufacturers who appreciate my honesty, whether tactful or not!

I am not a humble person. I am all too guilty of being quite ego centric. I am always right, damn it. The world ought to revolve around me. But I know when it’s time to say thank you. So, thank you! (Perhaps this is the perfect prelude to Thanksgiving.)

And as much as I appreciate the visitors and their comments, the opportunities provided to me by stores and manufacturers who send me product in return for my opinions, there is something which means so much more. Although he may not really be into sex toys, my husband is always supportive and as excited as I am when I tell him my most recent “good news” – sometimes more so. Whether it’s numbers or new opportunities, he is just awesome about appreciating what it means to me. In fact, when I told him about making the best sex bloggers list, he asked me when I found out. When he realized I’d known for almost a day, he demanded to know why I didn’t tell him sooner.

But, really, what I should have told him sooner is “Thank You.”

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Categories: Everything Else, internet, Site

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