Maybe it’s weird, but I am just not that attracted to people as an adult. I remember being a teenager. I had a different crush every week, it seemed. In middle school, I liked so many people. I don’t even think I could name them. I often thought people were attractive even if I didn’t like their personality. It’s just how it went.
In high school, I suppose that slowed down but only because I was talking to more people online. I noticed attractive people less in person as I focused on the personalities I got to know through chat, IM, email and phone calls.
Even as I watch movies or porn, all of which are full of people that are generally considered to be universally attractive, I find myself looking for people who are attractive to me.. and not finding them. I can even hop on to live sex cams sites like LiveX.com and shrug, unimpressed at what others would find as beautiful cam models. I can literally look at all the porn on Tumblr — and there is a plethora of it — and nitpick every single photo that I come across. I have to remind myself not to do this. It’s just plain rude. (On the other hand, clean your damned room before you take those selfies).
This makes online dating a bit hard. I can scan through dozens of photos and be relatively unimpressed with any of them. When you consider the general lack of effort that most people put into their profiles, you understand how this is frustrating for me. I guess I look at one of two things: do their profiles make me smile or do their photos make me drool? Typically, neither proves true.
This leaves me feeling a little shallow. In fact, my friends haven’t been slow at all to call me such. Do I just have ridiculously high standards when it comes to people? to bodies? to makeup? to presentation? If this is the case, how can I possibly expect to find someone when I wouldn’t meet my own standards?
I guess I am not sure what I am looking for. I’ll know it when I see it, right? It’s not so much something that’s only in the visual. It’s a big picture thing. It’s in the ambiance and the facial expression. And as I’ve found out, I can be wildly attracted to someone who doesn’t display most of the physical traits that I find attractive, and it can take me years to discover this.
Sleepiness and a fever have made this post ramble more than I intended. I shall end here and perhaps return at a later date with more clarity.
