You do what, now?

December 1st, 2012

Every once in a while, I discover a new sex toy that makes me go “what the fuck?” if it’s really weird. Sometimes, I see something and wonder who is into that. Although I’ve tried my fair share of toys, I lack a penis, and I think the masturbation experience is a little different for men. Not only do women have the better selection of sex toys, but masturbation is sometimes more sensual, more prolonged, and more fantasy-oriented in our heads. At least, that’s it for me. I find trying to look at things to be a little distracting. It’s easier for me to visualize things with my eyes closed.

That’s why when I learned about Beaniebang Babes, I was more than a little curious. On the one hand, it seems like a lot of work and I am definitely lazy. On the other hand, I admire the attempt to capitalize on an already successful sex toy — the Fleshlight — and the porn industry to produce something that could possibly enhance masturbation. I understand why people want to make masturbation more sex-like, but I also don’t know if the intent itself isn’t misguided or if sticking a picture on a pornstar and beaniebanging “her” is the right way to go about it.

But, guys deserve a wider range of sex toys, too, so I can’t fault anyone who wants to know how to beaniebang. At least they’d be taking their desires — and penis — into their own hands, and I commend that.

Plus, I think naming sex toys after children’s toys is kinda lulzy.

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What the fuck, Fleshlight?

November 4th, 2012

Fleshlight iPad Attachment

Fleshlight iPad Attachment

We all know that the folks over at Fleshlight aren’t exactly PC. Sure, the name is synonymous with male sex toys and they made that awesome avatar masturbator, but the company has also pissed some people off. Tonight, they’ve completely confused and flabbergasted me. According to this Gizmodo article, there’s definitely a Fleshlight iPad case in the works. All I can say is..

What.

The.

Fuck.

?!

In the provided image, there’s porn on screen. The fleshlight attachment sits against the back of the iPad, which you would, I guess, move back and forth to pleasure yourself without taking your eye off the screen because, like, it’s too hard to masturbate in front of the television.

I just can’t help but think this would wind up an expensive mess or an awkward accident that you can’t explain to your girlfriend. I mean, do dudes want to masturbate with the family iPad? Because eww. I wouldn’t want to know Dad’s grubby and semen-covered paws were all over the same device I use to play Angry Birds. It’s just not right.

But I don’t like to mix my electronics with my electric sex toys, if you get what I mean. My phone, Kindle Fire, iPod and laptop have little to do with jackoff time. Maybe I’m the odd duck out because I don’t frequently watch porn, but I just can’t see how anything thinks this is a good idea. It’s not, kids.

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