Tera Patrick's Meta Jelly Heart-On Vibe
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This is an archived review of a discontinued product.

I guess I’m a size queen and this is a good thing because Tera Patrick’s Meta Jelly Heart-On Vibe is a large toy. It is definitely not for the weak at heart. Yet, even despite its monster size, I found myself wanting more: more power, more size, more quality.

Even before I had removed this toy from the package (which features, of course, Tera Patrick herself), I noticed the size. At 9″ long and with a circumference of 4 3/4″, it certainly rivals the larger of my toys. I also noticed that the vibrator wasn’t quite as pretty as it appeared in images. In pictures, it definitely shines more. The images across the web also differ in lightness, so it must be a hard colour to photograph; I found that the images of Tera Patrick’s Meta Jelly Heart-On Vibe on PinkCherry.com are a bit lighter than the toy actually is.

Once out of the package, I was immediately accosted by the strong scent of the Meta-Jelly material. It wasn’t rubbery in the slightest; rather, it smelled a bit metallic and sickeningly sweet – like Dr Pepper in a can. I know it’s a strange description, but it was a strange smell. And strong! I had it out for a bit, but the toy stunk up the whole living room, and the smell clung to my hands. Because of this, I put it away for several weeks before breaking it out again.

I was really reluctant to use a toy that smelled so horribly and I wondered how inferior this material must be. I usually do not care about the material of my sex toys a whole lot but it was impossible to ignore that this isn’t a super hygienic material. Meta-Jell is some derivative of jelly (thus porous – using a condom between partners is a must and not a bad idea in general) and a mixture of some sort of metal which gives it a slightly metallic appearance. It’s still soft like jelly and the tip of this toy has some flex to it (the jelly sleeve extends past the hard vibrator).

I finally broke this toy out, gave it 3 or 4 washings, and let it air for several days before using it. My entire bathroom smelled like Meta-Jelly for those days, albeit the scent did decrease (even if it was painstakingly slow in its decrease). But I was determined to give Tera Patrick’s Meta Jelly Heart-On Vibe at least one try so that I could give it a fair review. Although I am usually picky, I know many people would not have even given it that much time.

I was a bit anxious because I’d read a review that said this toy was simply too large. However, with a little lube, I found insertion wasn’t a big deal. Although this vibe is finished with an engorged head, the head is a bit tapered. I easily felt the raised, asymmetrical heart shapes internally, which is unusual. I usually cannot feel textures as well as I would like, so this was a nice change from the usual. However, I would not recommend fast or hard thrusting because it quickly becomes uncomfortable, even painful. Slow, luxurious thrusts are what I enjoyed best with Tera Patrick’s Meta Jelly Heart-On Vibe.

As I thrust this toy, I could not believe how much I enjoyed it! I could feel my body responding. In fact, I was wishing for something a little larger. Although full, I craved to be stretched, and Tera Patrick’s Meta Jelly Heart-On Vibe wasn’t large enough in that respect. However, I think most will be more than happy with the size of this vibrator and some will likely find it much too daunting, too.

When it came to the vibrations, I turned this up to high (this vibe has a typical dial base) and was still disappointed. I was looking forward to something that would provide more sensations than I got. I think the MetaJelly did a decent job of transmitting the vibrations, but the motor, which is powered by 2 AAs and likes to turn on/off when inserting the batteries, just didn’t have enough power for me. I found myself super turned on, but this vibe was not going to send me over the edge, so I swapped it out for my Passion Wave stimulator to get the orgasms I craved.

Altogether, I think Tera Patrick’s Meta Jelly Heart-On Vibe has helped me learn what I like but I will look for something which is similar yet higher quality. I definitely want a stronger vibrator made of a material (like silicone) which does not have such an offensive scent and, depending on texture, I could go bigger. For other size queens, this vibrator might just do the trick but I’m holding out for something just a little bit more.

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