Why Dona Pisses Me Off

April 10th, 2012

Since I do a lot of shopping online, I like to know as much as I can to determine that I actually want to buy what I’m looking at. I want to know about size and fit and strength, and I do not want to have to send something back, because shipping is inconvenient and frequently expensive. However, System Jo seems to want to make it harder than ever to shop. “How?” you ask. I’ll tell you. They come out with an entire line of products that uses descriptions that any normal consumer would think refer to their scents but, no, these are the aphrodisiacs with which each product is infused:

  • acai
  • blue lotus
  • camu camu
  • goji berry
  • mangosteen
  • pomegranate

Never mind the fact that aphrodisiacs are a bunch of BS or that the company’s official statement is to refuse to describe the scents, because they want consumers to experience it for themselves. Boy, have we been doing that. None of the Dona products I’ve tried smell anything like the aphrodisiac and most of them have smelled down-right awful. I would have saved a lot of time and frustration if I had known that the pomegranate products smell nothing at all like pomegranate.

I find it difficult to believe that I am the only one who feels this way, either. It’s like System Jo is actually making it harder for consumers to find a product that suits them. However, if they had at least tried to describe scents, we’d have a much better idea about which product might suit our tastes, or smells as it were. Now, I’d pretty much have to assume all consumers should stay away from all of Dona’s products because they can’t be sure if their powerful smells will be agreeable or cause them headaches. Plus, $10 is a lot more than your$2.50 bottle of body wash from the local drug store, which you actually can smell before you buy.

Good news is, I have a bunch of Dona products that I don’t really like and I wouldn’t have to deal with, if it weren’t for this brilliant marketing move.

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Crazy Girl Diva Dust

March 18th, 2012

Crazy Girl Diva Dust

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You can no longer buy this product.

The last of the bath and body items I received from Classic Erotica was the Crazy Girl Diva Dust. Like the other items I reviewed, these all focus on sensuality that is conducive to sexuality. Admittedly, body dust isn’t something I would necessarily pick out for myself. I’ve never really bronzed and I don’t always want to be full of glitter. However, it’s something I can see myself occasionally using, now that I’ve had the chance to try it out.The Crazy Girl Diva Dust is not only a shimmery dust but it’s flavored as well. Anything that gets me a lick is a-okay in my book.

Like the other Crazy Girl products, this one is paraben-free, sugar-free, sulfate-free and not tested on animals. If you are on some sort of anti-sugar diet, then licking this off your lover won’t hurt you. According to the manufacturer’s description, this little tub of powder has a lot of powers:

Base of cornstarch, talc and mica for softness plus an even tone to skin upon application. Vitamin C antioxidant helps in collagen production, revitalizes improves skin tone and texture. Aloe Vera Leaf Extract skin soothing, moisturizing agent. Sexy sparkle and shine to accentuate your best assets. Light body shimmer powder designed to give skin a sensual sparkle and glow.

There are some known dangers to inhaling talcum powder, and I do believe that proponents can point out other potential dangers. However, for my infrequent use, this isn’t something that bothers me. I can’t say that this product improves my skin tone or make it softer. It’s already soft enough when I apply it, right out of the shower. What I can say that it does it adds a hint of flavor and a lot of sparkle.

Crazy Girl Diva Dust

The tub has a screw-off cap and, inside sits a powder puff over the powdered-sugar style container. The small holes allow you to shake the container to apply the product to the puff itself. You can shake off excess product back into the container. There was a sticker seal over the holes when I first received the body dust, so it’s not messy when you first buy it. On the puff, the dust has a hint of color. They call it gold but it’s a shimmery tan. Really, I can only see the glitter on my skin, so I think that this would work on any skin tone, really. The shimmer is super noticeable, however. It’s probably best for wearing at night.

The light sweet taste is accompanied by a similar scent. It’s pleasant but a bit generic. There’s no syrup-y aftertaste/aftersmell, though. The smell isn’t really strong enough to notice over other scented products. I wouldn’t mind tasting it on someone, and the glitter is a good indicator to “lick here.”

I did apply some of this to my sensitive inner thighs after shaving to see if it might help with irritation that I sometimes experience. I don’t know if it helped, but it didn’t hurt.

I’m feeling pretty favorable about this product. It’s light, it’s sweet, it shimmers. It is something I would save for specific occasions, however. I can’t see myself running out any time soon. On the plus side, it’s far cheaper than the honey dusts by Shunga or Kama Sutra, so it’s a nice alternative for someone who wants just a bit of flavored product at a lower price.

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Cake Body Butter

December 28th, 2011

Cake Body Butter

Cake Body Butter

Thankfully, this terrible product is no longer available.

It’s fucking perplexing is what it is. How did TopCo come up with the Cake line of body products? How did they design them so gorgeously? How did they plant the idea into my head that I needed them? And how the hell did they create body butters that smell rancid?

If you don’t live in a barn or Afghanistan, then you know I’ve been wanting to try these products for a while. I did try the lipgloss and it was all right. It didn’t put me off, though! I’ll just try a different product, a different scent. Surely I’ll like some of it?! So I was pretty damned excited when the folks at OurNaughtySecrets scent me not one but three of the body butters. I was all kid-in-a-candy shop when I opened the box because, in my opinion, Topco really struck it out of the park with this line.

The packaging is all feminine colors and cartoon pin-ups, reminiscent of a simpler time. Each scent features a different girl and color scheme. For instance, red velvet is pink and boasts a bosomy blonde who reminds me, ever-so-slightly, of Nancy Drew. Y’know, if she were a bosomy blonde who wanted to suck my cock.

The lotion comes in jars but the jars themselves sit in little cardboard boxes that open from the top, like bakery boxes. Except for the Angel Food Cake. That one has some weird hanging box design that is awkward. Still, the design is cute and the jars themselves have metal lids which already remind me of something you’d find in the kitchen or bakery.


Then you open them up and SWEET MOTHER OF JESUS CHRIST WHAT THE FUCK IS THE ATROCITY I AM GOING TO KILL MYSELF THRICE!!!! AAAHHUYTTRFDQWGWQGARGLE! And that is putting it nicely. Something went horribly, horribly, God-awfully wrong with the actual formula. The body butters smell rancid. There’s no other way to put it. I’m not entirely sure that the ingredients didn’t somehow start to ferment as the product sat in a warehouse and on trucks during shipping. Or maybe no one smelled the products after the final testing phase. Either way, it.is.bad.guys.

The Devil’s Food cake smells like rancid chocolate. Like you made some pudding, let it rot for a year and a half while you were in a coma, came home and thought “Hey, maybe it’s still good.” It’s not. The red velvet smells startlingly similar; although, it’s more generically sweet and rancid. To be honest, it’s kind of hard to pin down what red velvet actually smells like and I couldn’t even describe the taste but I’m sure this is not it.

The Angel Food doesn’t actually smell rancid. It could be getting there, though. There’s just a hint of something that I don’t like so while I am going to throw away the body butters in the other scents, I will probably try to use this one. Once I put it on, the scent seems much more balanced. It’s got a kind of vanilla/white-cake smell going on but there’s a definite hint of something like hazelnut which doesn’t belong. I had the same complaint about the lip gloss so.. at least they got it wrong consistently? It’s not awful, though, just nuttier than I’d like.

The body butter is thick and whipped. It’s fun. It rubs into the skin nicely, rather than slathering about on top of it, and does leave my skin faster. However, the containers are only about half full. Perhaps Topco meant to only fill it to below the brim but it’s shifted in transit and has moved to only one half of the jar.

So, the jars are super cute and after I empty them, I will definitely want to put stuff in them. Like pennies, except I have this awesome change counting jar. What the hell should I do with the cute containers from the awful atrocities Topco calls Cake?

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Cake Lip Plumper

May 9th, 2011

Cake Lip Plumper Angel Food

Cake Lip Plumper Angel Food

This product has been discontinued since I originally reviewed it.

I don’t know about you but I own a lot of lip glosses. I don’t know why exactly. I just love when my lips are shiny and shimmery and smell good, even if I’m not being kissed. I expected that I’d love the Cake lip plumper because I also love sweets.

This plumper comes in a .20 fl ounce tube with the typical lip gloss applicator. The tube is a little smaller than most of them I own but that’s not a bad thing necessarily. The design is super cute: black and liht teal with red accents. The tube and box feature a pin-up style woman and even the font alludes to a previous time.

The product makes a couple claims. 1) It tingles. This is pretty accurate. You can definitely feel the plumper at work after you apply it. If you’ve used other lip plumping products, then you’ll be familiar with the feeling. It can get a little uncomfortable so you may want to be pretty sparse with our applications at first.

Secondly, the product is scented. I received the Angel Food Cake scent; however, there are other cake scents available. My biggest complaint with the product is that it does not smell like angel food cake. There’s a distinct mocha sort of scent and, as I’m not a fan of coffee, this is both confusing and a turn-off.

At least it’s not as terrible as the rancid-smelling body butters in this line.

Lastly, the Cake Lip Plumper is supposed to taste like cake. Let me tell you this: the cake is a lie. It is not flavoured. It tastes like wax, which is typical of many lip products. Thus, you won’t want to run around licking your lips the way you would when wearing VS lip gloss. Just sayin’. Nevertheless, this lip gloss is far less sticky than any I’ve tried by VS, which I do like.

Appearance wise, the Cake gloss adds shine but no color. As for the plumping abilities, I can’t say that I noticed much of a difference and this obviously isn’t intended to have permanent effects.

I’d still be satisfied with this product if I enjoyed the scent and I suspect that I probably would enjoy some of the other scents (cookie dough, devils food), if they’re actually what you would expect. The Lip Plumper is decent as a lip product, with vitamins E and C. I just wish the angel food scent was accurate.

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Touch your partner online with KIIROO

Oil of Love – Raspberry Kiss

September 4th, 2009

What can I say about Kama Sutra products that hasn’t already been said? Their name is synonymous with sensuality and products are known for quality. So to say I was expecting an awesome product with their Oil of Love is an understatement, especially considering that I have literally wanted the product for years. It was one of the very first products I considered buying when my husband and I wanted to try new things with our sex life. I’m glad I finally tried the Oil of Love, even if it took years for me to do so and I can say without hesitation that this is one of the few products that is better than I expected.

Like other Kama Sutra products, the Oil of Love came in the green/gold tin, slightly smaller than a soda can, with a black cap. This tin was also in an open-ended plastic bag, but, unfortunately, neither of those was sealed as the cap had popped off and was floating loose in the box. Inside the tin was the glass jar containing the oil, which is corked shut and sealed with plastic. Despite the seal, the bottle did feel slippery, as though it had oil on it already. I gave it a wipe-down before opening it to ensure the bottle wouldn’t slip out of my hands and break or spill all over. The only adornment on the bottle is a stick/band that goes around it with a floral motif and the Kama Sutra logo/Oil of Love label on the front. What you mostly see is a gorgeous dark fuchsia color of the oil itself, and while it might be a bit more purple than I would expect for something raspberry, it’s gorgeous to look through the liquid.

After breaking the seal and popping the cork (which doesn’t require anything near the strength of a wine bottle, thankfully), the scent isn’t immediately noticeable. Overall, I found the scent to be light and refreshing, never overpowering. The scent becomes discernible after a bit of friction by either rubbing the oil in my hands or on another body part. It was also much more noticeable to me as a massage giver than receiver, probably because I kept leaning forward to kiss and lick my husband’s back. As the receiver, I was a little disappointed that I could not smell it better, though.

Unfortunately, I have to say that this smells nothing at all like a kiss of raspberry as the scent – Raspberry Kiss – would suggest. It smells wonderful and sweet but not berry-like in the least. In fact, I think a perfect suggestion for this scent would be vanilla cotton candy and my husband agrees. It’s a great scent, just misleading.

So I mentioned the kissing and licking, yes? It’s because the Oil of Love is also flavoured! The Oil of Love have a sweet flavour that is reminiscent and very complimentary to it’s scent (in this case, vanilla cotton candy), to provide that much more experience. Really, it almost tastes like candy and I have half a mind to drink the bottle, but won’t.

But that’s not all!

It also warms upon blowing which just adds another element of excitement to your massage. I don’t think this property was as noticeable to my husband or myself as the receiver, but I definitely noticed the heat on my mouth/face when I leaned down to blow. This could just be because our backs are not as sensitive, and I know that the fan was on during my massage, so it may have been a little counterproductive. Kissing and licking also seemed to activate the heat so that’s another plus.

We’re not into giving really long massages, and you probably won’t get hours out of one application of the Oil of Love as it is a bit thicker/heavier (that is, if you don’t lick it all off first). I probably massaged between 10 and 20 minutes with one application, and it definitely made it easier to manipulate my husband’s skin. When it was my turn, it also improved his – usually awful – technique and helped him to not be so rough (although I’m still training him). It did get a bit sticky on my hands toward the end but we were both able to dress without feeling the need to wash off the oil from our skins.

I found that it really doesn’t work very well for hand jobs. It becomes too sticky for the quick motions and works much better for a luxurious massage. While the tin states that this product is latex-safe (because it’s water and not oil-based as one might think(, it also warns not to use it internally, so I would shy away from using it as actual lube.

You’ll be relieved to know that Oil of Love is non-staining, too, because, no matter how hard I try, I am a messy person. After massage time was over, I noticed pinky spots on the bed from the oil but they washed out in the laundry just fine.

I am more than blown away with this product, in the end. The few shortcomings absolutely pale in comparison to the scent, flavour, warming and non-staining properties. While Oil of Love may not be the perfect product for hours of massage, it couldn’t be more perfect for us.

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