I am not a thin person. I’ve never been, really. In the past, I’ve been thinner. I’ve also been bigger. Over the last year or so, I’ve shed some weight from my midsection and generally feel more proportionate. And, honestly, I care about that more than some number on a scale or chart. But I’m borderline plus size and short, so it shows.
I’ve struggled with this for all my life, but I’m probably more secure about the whole thing than I have been. The last couple years have been especially good for me in terms of fashion. I can afford to experiment, and this has led to comfort and styles I would never have tried in the past. It’s a good thing, because I feel better about dressing my body.
But no matter how the clothes look, I suppose, there’s always an element of trying to hide or distract from the extra weight where I won’t want/need it, even if it feels good and it’s not a health issue. When it comes down to it, I suppose I’m just worried that all the good things I may be — smart, funny, cute/pretty, witty, compassionate, sex-positive and more — will be completely negated by not being thin. Or, at the very least, that people will judge me solely by my appearance at first glance, and will write off any of the positives I could bring to the table.
This is especially true with guys, and perhaps even more painfully awkward because the tall gangly body shape is, you know, my type. In comparison to tall, narrow things, I look even shorter and wider. And while I don’t necessarily care what others thing, I’ve become so terrified of the idea of being rejected by these people to whom I am normally attracted because I may not be attractive enough to them.
So much so that I have pretty much stopped even communicating with potential dates because of it. On Tinder, I’ll swipe away from someone who I determine to be out of my league, even if I’m really attractive and we might have something in common. I will avoid talking to and, especially, meeting people who I think fall into that category.
I know I’m giving in to fear and I’m probably not giving myself enough credit. I also know, intellectually, that the whole idea of “league” is BS, and beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Even if there was some universal scale, people would still have different tastes. But that doesn’t make me feel better or, perhaps, bolder is the word I’m looking for. Even knowing that people of my type have been attracted to me before doesn’t really help.
And I’m terribly afraid of meeting people in ways that I wasn’t a few years ago.. despite the fact that most of the people who I dated in 2012 were romantically interested, at least enough to pursue a second date (I was not, however.). I’m afraid of showing up and not being thin enough from the waist down. Or of being too much.
Honestly, this isn’t even rooted in being mistreated as a fat adult. Because I can’t remember the last time someone, anyone, has insulted me over my weight (or anything, really). Maybe my discomfort is more noticeable than anything else. My insecurity and anxiety certainly causes me to be more uptight with new people than I really am or want to be.
Though, I’m sure some of this is just because I haven’t gone on a date like that in a few years. I’m out of practice, and it feels like a big deal to jump back in. But maybe that’s all I need to do. Do. Act. Less thinking. Which has always been a problem of mine.
Like always, I feel a little haunted by my own mind.
