It’s 2019. We’ve reached the age of Back to the Future and Blade Runner. But if you take a look outside, it looks nothing like those dystopian movies have promised. And while we don’t know what the sex toys of the fictional future are supposed to look like, I can’t help but wonder if it would measure up. I know that I personally am a bit disappointed at how sex toys have failed to reach their potential by now.

Why?

I’m glad you asked.

Bluetooth Isn’t Body Compatible

As long as we rely on wireless technology that radiates through the air to connect devices, using them on and in our bodies is going to present a challenge. I’ve had Bluetooth toys that barely connected before I even inserted them let alone remaining connected while inside me, and I’m not holding my phone anywhere near 10 meters away from my vagina (the Bluetooth limit for most mobile devices). It’s enough to make me balk at the idea ever again, and yet, I find myself trying smart toys in hopes they won’t frustrate me.

And remote-controlled vibrators? They’re still ridiculously inconsistent. Every time some poor Redditor asks which remote-controlled vibe is the best because they’re too naive to realize that none of them deserves the title, I feel so bad for them. I shake my head and move along. Everyone has to make their own mistakes, learn their own lessons.

I Don’t Want to Use an App When I’m Fucking Myself — Or Anyone Else

I’ve said it before and I expect to have to reiterate: I don’t want to use an app with my vibrator. I don’t want my germ-covered phone in my lube-covered hand when I’m trying to get off. I don’t want to to have to unlock my phone when it becomes inactive because I was focusing on my clit.

But even if I wasn’t a germophobe, there are plenty of times when masturbating requires two hands. So how will I use the damn toy then?

God forbid the day when the only way you can use a vibrator is to with an app. The buttons will be removed, and I will have no use for the toy other than as a projectile.

Now, if anyone else wants to use an app-controlled toy on me, I might be inclined to let them… as long as the toy is functionally pleasurable. Of course…

Innovation Doesn’t Replace the Need for Quality Vibrations

Does a vibrator have a nice shape? Does it twist or bend into place? That’s great, but don’t forget about the main function: vibration. If a toy has barely-there vibrations or vibrations high-pitched enough that dogs would object (as would I!), there’s no reason for those innovative features. Because I’ll never use it.

Another high-priced paperweight? Sigh. If I must.

Imitation Might Be Flattery, But It’s Also Frustrating

Any time a sex toy manufacturer comes up with anything even remotely innovative, a slew of other companies follow suit, often with lower-priced or inferior products. I wouldn’t expect it any other way, and competition can certainly work for consumers. But when markets become flooded with all of these duplicates, I cannot help but wait for the ties to go back down to a point when I can see anything — anything — else when I log on to my favorite retailers or step into a sex toy store.

You know what I’m talking about. Dozens of companies copied Lelo’s early designs, including various toys for men, but even Lelo has resorted to duplicating the clitoral pulsation/suction toys that were all the rage last year.

Of course, I may sound ungrateful or hopelessly picky. I realize that there are people working incredibly hard behind the scenes, that innovation isn’t easy (otherwise, it would be much more commonplace), and that technology is tricky. Yet, I struggle to think of instances of technology or innovation that has won me over. 

The most recent technological improvement in sex toys that I really enjoyed was Lelo’s oral sex simulator, and I may be in the minority there.

I know that smart toys will change the landscape of Kegel exercisers by providing valuable feedback, but I also know there’s still a lot of ground to cover. I’ve enjoyed pressure-responsive vibrators. Internal batteries have been revolutionary. Yet for every toy that provides pleasure, there are myriad underwhelming vibrators, glitching motors, defective models, and confusing designs to contend with.

When I try something that’s new and unusual, I always wind up saying something like

It’s different, but that’s certainly not a selling point in this case.

The novelty is interesting, but the followthrough is lacking. I wonder what I’ll do with a toy that fails to provide on the very premise that sold us all on it.

The bigger the promise, the harder the reality hits.

And that brings us back around to the reality of sex toy tech in 2019. It’s getting there, sure. I just wish it was moving faster than a snail’s pace.

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