No, I Don’t Want to Censor the Word “Sex”

February 8th, 2024

It’s 2024, and everywhere you look on social media, it seems like people are speaking in code. In some places, people avoid using adjectives; in others, potentially violent words are censored. Sometimes, the effort to attempt to avoid your account or group being punished by site administrators is so great that I am surprised anyone bothers at all.

And it is not necessarily paranoia. I know plenty of people who have been shadow-banned, suspended, or permanently removed from social media sites.

I now frequently have my Facebook account limited if I laugh react a funny cat picture.

So I understand why the people and pages I follow will use “S3x” or “S-x” instead of sex because there’s a real risk that the content we post will catch the attention of some person or bot, and our accounts will be throttled if not entirely removed. Our hard work will be instantly deleted, and our reach diminished as we are forcibly disconnected from followers. What’s worse, our attempts to educate people about sexuality will be thwarted, and streams of income may be ripped from us.

There are very real consequences to not playing by the rules of our social media overlords.

And I hate it.

It’s not just that trying to read these posts becomes nearly impossible (and I cannot imagine how much more difficult it is for anyone using a screen reader!), which has forced some people to give up on spaces that enforce these rules.

Social media should not censor sex, not when they let rampant violence, harassment, and misogyny go unchecked, and especially not when lack of access to such information contributes to sexual assault, the spread of STIs, suicide, and other general misery.

Censoring sex actively harms people.

Yet, these sites do exactly that.

As much as we can try to diversify by starting a SubStack or Patreon or by joining BlueSky or Mastodon or one of the other overly hopeful replacements for the tech giants, they do not replace the reach offered by Instagram, Tiktok, Twitter, or, yes, even Facebook.

Sex bloggers, educators, and therapists are in good company with retailers, venues, certification providers, and others, none of whom feel safe using accurate words to describe their profession, products, or services. It is a spot between the sharpest rock and the hardest place.

And there’s no end in sight. In fact, the censorship only seems to have worsened since I first started this draft!

What is the end game in all of this?

Platforms that are so sanitized of sex that we lose decades of progress? Sex returning to the taboo shadows, so there is no hope of satisfying relationships, and pain becomes the norm once more? Difficulty finding legitimate sex education that leads people to risky sources? Funding cut from sexual research? Oh, wait.

I mean, I see it happening before my eyes. But I don’t want to believe it. And I can’t understand it because such a world harms everyone, even those who are pushing for it or who allow it to happen. Maybe they lack foresight, but I do not.

And my foresight tells me that we are on a slope that couldn’t be more slippery if we emptied a case of lube on it. Of course, this isn’t new, but it’s become impossible to ignore, much like all the creative expressions of the word “Sex” on social media practically scream at me.

Maybe, for a bit, these efforts will garner some attention because they’re so jarring. Or maybe people will learn to ignore them because what’s the point when you need to decrypt all the content on your feed? And what do we do when the tech overlords catch on and ban these workarounds? At what point will they have to draw the line? Will it be when censorship interferes with their profits? Or do we need a new sex-friendly platform with reasonable rules and allowances to take the world by storm? Is such a thing even possible?

I have so many questions and so few answers. I don’t know if anyone does.

But I do know that I don’t want to censor the word “Sex.” So, I won’t. Not here. Not on social media.

I recommend you sign up for email notifications (see the option in the sidebar) if you’re interested in reading about sex without censorship, should my failure to comply result in me being banned from social media.

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Categories: Articles, Everything Else, internet

Is TikTok Bad for Your Sex Life?

August 18th, 2023

Pardon the clickbaity title. It’s what the Internet wants, and I’m just along for the ride.

IS Tiktok bad for your sex life

A couple of months ago, I wrote an article for work that was clearly inspired by the latest TikTok trend du jour: boric acid. After looking at the videos, it was incredibly apparent that

  • A manufacturer of boric acid was sending free product to influencers.
  • They were specifically targeting Black creators–and their readers.
  • They were not checking the videos for accuracy.

Perhaps more importantly, it was obvious to me that viewers did not necessarily realize this. They saw real posts instead of ads marketing scams. I know exactly how this works. Dozens of sex toy makers have sent me toys, but I always gave honest reviews, even if it meant criticizing a product or company or discouraging sales that would have earned me commissions. I have also spent literal years studying sexuality to ensure what I say is accurate and helpful.

This isn’t the case with the influences I saw on TikTok. Viewers saw videos touting the benefits of boric acid to help you feel cleaner and smell better, disregarding the fact that boric acid is only sometimes recommended for persistent bacterial infections because it is as toxic to healthy cells as much as unhealthy ones. Used unwisely, boric acid can make you more prone to infections.

But there were no warnings or advice to seek medical advice to determine whether a problem even existed at all, let alone whether boric acid might be a solution. There was a lot of covert body shaming, which douche makers (read that how you will) have always relied on.

In short, the practice was misleading and disgusting, and no one seemed to be calling it out.

The risks don’t stop there, either.

Both the quantity and quality of BDSM content on TikTok have some kinksters worried. It’s easy to find, ignores the important aspects of communication and safety, and may even violate the viewer’s consent. You can learn how to tie rope around wrists or make restraints out of a belt but not about the importance of preventing rope from slipping or avoiding nerve damage. You can easily find fake dominants but not mentors to steer you away from red flags. And none of this content is barred from minors.

This isn’t to say that that aren’t plenty of informed and experienced folks on TikTok spreading the good word. There absolutely are! Some of these folks love being on KinkTok. But as the great Sunny Megatron points out, popularity reigns over education and quality. I’ve heard plenty of sex educators talk about their experiences. TikTok inconsistently bans sexual content, so users have to worry about that on top of trying to make the algorithm work for them.

It’s not just sex, either. It takes half an hour for teens to stumble upon self-harm content on TikTok. Nor is the potential for harm specific to TikTok or even social media. People have sustained injuries after being inspired by 50 Shades. Every site with a blog that relates even tangentially to sexuality includes information about potentially risky sexual and kinky activities, most of which is written by people with no experience (and much that is distilled down to near uselessness).

Yet TikTok, with its short videos that are viewed almost entirely on mobile devices for free without age requirements, makes this information much more accessible to anyone and everyone without leaving room for all the caveats that go with it. Plenty of safety information can be found online, and some of it even exists on TikTok. But our shortened attention spans and the algorithms make it harder to find and absorb–if we even recognize the need for more information, to begin with!

I learned pretty much everything I know about kink and BDSM from the Internet–and much of what I know about sex. I’m old school, however. I would rather read a blog post or book–and have read thousands of pages on the subject–than watch a 10-second video. My knowledge, more often than not, came from seasoned kinksters.

I probably wouldn’t say the same if I were 15 or even 10 years younger. The internet, as it stands, is the only internet many people have ever known. It didn’t have to be and maybe doesn’t have to be still. But it is. TikTok could change if it wanted to, and a notable death and lawsuit would probably cause that. But it shouldn’t have to come to that. People should just care.

In the meantime, care for yourself because no one else will. Look beyond TikTok for information that will protect your safety. Direct a hefty dose of skepticism to anyone who doesn’t mention safety, on TikTok or anywhere else. Proceed with caution. Your health, your livelihood, and your life might depend on it.

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Categories: Articles, internet

I’m So Glad I’m Not You

June 12th, 2014

This post isn’t going to be a positive one, and that’s okay.

Today, a Facebook friend is going through a very public breakup with her husband and father of her children.  He suddenly informed her that he was unhappy and leaving. She publicly posted the ended of their relationship.

Then, she discovered he has been in appropriately messaging another woman, and her good friend publicly tagged the husband, the woman who was participating in these messages and that woman’s fiance. So when said woman who may or may not be having an affair with her husband tried to contact my friend, my friend posted on Facebook about it as though it was shocking.

From the get-go, I looked at this and thought Facebook wasn’t the place to air her dirty laundry. Since then, she has received many comments lauding her for being strong and none that I’ve seen warning her away from such a public display. Especially because this isn’t the first time he has done this.s

Yes, it’s her right to have feelings and to answer with honesty the questions posed to her. However, she doesn’t have to do it in a public place.

It goes beyond there, however. The whole thing reminds me of the relationship drama I experienced fifteen years ago — when I was 13. It’s not something that an adult does. It’s petty and childish. It’s not about being healthy, moving on or learning lessons, and while people certainly need time to experience their grief and sadness when a relationship ends, they need not to wallow in it. And they need support from their friends not to do that.

It’s almost 5 in the morning and my thoughts are no longer as clear as I want them to be, but I know that I tried to go through my own divorce with my head held high and my Facebook posts positive.  At the end of the day, I didn’t want to have to go back and delete things that made me look immature or petty, and I sure as hell didn’t want to give my ex the benefit of seeing how torn up I was.

 

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Categories: Everything Else

No Porn On Pinterest? Don’t Despair

May 13th, 2012

Any blogger who relies on social media outlets like Facebook or Digg to increase traffic and communication with readers has probably considered jumping on the Pinterest bandwagon. Indeed, the virtual pinboard site has exploded in popularity faster, in fact, than any other website. It’s no surprise that the majority of its users are women, so the content is largely based upon motherhood, recipes, home decor, fashion and DIY ideas. The occasional adorable pet picture, LOLcat and inspirational quote also make an appearance. Ironically, the recipes that will clog your arteries are next more than a click away from motivation to work out or eat better.

What better place, I thought, than for me to advertise my blog. Are not sex toys, after all, a woman’s world? I did go ahead and add affiliate links to my favorite toys, as well as some direct links to my reviews here on Of Sex and Love. I added a few friends, but not many of my sex toy reviewing peers seem to be active on the website. Most of my followers, then, appear to be akin to my followers on Facebook: horny men and sex toy shops.

It struck me as a bit odd that the sexosphere was so inactive on Pinterest, especially when the potential benefits were so great. However, it wouldn’t have if I’d taken a closer look at the terms. Actually, Pinterest doesn’t explicitly state what you shouldn’t pin or what will happen to anyone who breaks those rules. However, it’s Pin Etiquette page does lightly touch on the subject. The image bookmarking site does not allow:

nudity, hateful content, or content that encourages people to hurt themselves

 

So, you might figure that perhaps porn would be off-limits, but I could still submit product images, as long as they weren’t in use. So far, I haven’t had repercussions from the content I have submitted, but a fellow blogger recently expressed her frustration at not being able to submit any content from PinkCherry, a sex toy retailer. Pinterest now views the retailer as inappropriate and will not allow its user to add new pins, sadly. Nevertheless, none of my pins have been taken down, whether they be realistic dildos, revealing lingerie or nearly-nude book covers.

Of course, it doesn’t much matter if Pinterest plans to simply ban all sex toy retailers, and perhaps they already have. Is anyone still pinning from Babeland, Good Vibes or EdenFantasys? Please let me know in the comments.

Still, plenty of Pinterest imitations have begun to pop up, as you might expect. Manterest, is one such site, catering toward men. The list also includes several places where porn and adult content is especially welcome. Perhaps sex bloggers should focus on these websites, instead. We might even see a more influx of traffic.

  • Sex.com does nothing to hide itself as a knockoff. In fact, it looks nearly identical to Pinterest. Sex toys and reviews wouldn’t be out of a place — a few pins already exist – -but the majority of the content is porn (of women!)
  • Snatchly tries to be a bit more original than its inspiration; although, it’s content doesn’t differ from that of Sex.com.
  • The only thing clever about Pornterest is its name, and the front page has the most NSFW content of the three listed thus far.
  • Although PinClub is mostly geared toward Europeans, and sex toys are scarce, but it’s another potential destination.

Of course, none of these sites has had the amazing growth of Pinterest, which is exactly why it might not be worth the average sex blogger’s time to join another social network. Pinterest could always put the wheel in motion to allowing adult content, behind some sort of warning to placate those who would rather not see it on the website or who browse from work (so very productive!). It’s not a change I would expect to come before any of the more pertinent issues that the team behind Pinterest needs to take on. In the meantime, are we sex bloggers not allowed?

Do you Pinterest with your sex blogger identity? Are you a member of any of the other sites? Or do you think that the virtual pinboard just isn’t for us sex bloggers and toy reviewers??

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Categories: Articles, internet

Image © MisterUnlucky; used with permission.