I first read Emily Nagoski’s Come As You Are in 2016, according to my Goodreads account. And I’ve been meaning to write a review ever since.
And there’s a reason for that.
You see, seven-plus years is a loooong time on the Internet, a little less so outside of it. However, I have continually recommended Come As You Are (CAYA), here (her name is even a tag on this blog!), in person, on Reddit, and to fellow classmates, among others. I’ve referenced it for work and school. It’s become something of a holy text for sexual desire, and I’m not the only person for whom this is true.
Emily Nagoski changed the landscape when she wrote this approachable book breaking down the ways that sexual desire works–and sometimes seems not to. That’s not hyperbole, either. This book brought the idea of responsive desire and the dual-control system of sexual desire from the white tower of academia to the hands of the people. You’ll find countless articles about this, sometimes by me, everywhere from NPR to Men’s Health. And it’s due in no small part to Nagoski’s work in translating the existing research into more accessible language, including plenty of helpful metaphors.
That popularity is exactly why I never got around to writing a review. There is no lack of praise for CAYA. Researchers, therapists, book reviewers, bloggers–we all loved it. It became a New York Times Bestseller, after all. So I didn’t see a need to do more than rate it on Goodreads when others had already covered it by the time I got around to reading it 18 months after it came out (and after I wondered how it compared to a different book).
Most important, however, was how the book resonated with readers, the real people whose lives could be improved by the knowledge in those pages. Those people were mainly women because that is the audience Nagoski targeted because of how this information about libido impacts women.
Reading Come As You Are is like having a lightbulb moment simultaneously combined with a warm hug that says, “You are not broken. You are wonderful and loveable just the way you are.” Instead of understanding the natural sciences like you would in an experiment, you better understand your and/or your partner’s desire–or lack thereof. It was much needed.
For so long, people who couldn’t muster desire for their partners despite having great relationships and feeling attraction for them or those who just couldn’t get horny as quickly as society (and partners) expected were told they were broken (while using these so-called shortcomings to sell all sorts of potentially dangerous or unnecessary products). Women were seen as the problem. CAYA flipped the script. By providing information about the intricacies of desire and acceptance of different types of desire, Nagoski helped people understand what might be getting in the way of a more satisfying sex life. She pointed out that societal expectations made people miserable, even when they enjoyed themselves.
Emily Nagoski gave people a new approach to something that legitimately concerned them but had never been resolved by the age-old advice to try something new or spice up their sex life. She offered hope.
If any of this sounds like it might help you, then I wholeheartedly recommend Come As You Are. It’s not just for straight women in relationships with a desire discrepancy. Almost anyone can benefit from reading this book, regardless of gender, orientation, relationship status, or desire level. In fact, I think one of the biggest disservice some people do to this book is overlook how it applies to men, a demographic whose sexual desire is universally assumed to be automatic and, well, simple. If they read CAYA, they’d see otherwise.
And all of this is because the author took a journey to understand her own struggles with sexual desire and brought us all along with her (which certainly added to the book’s approachable nature).
In 2021, just six years after the initial printing, Nagoski revised CAYA. But the original remains as relevant and helpful in 2024 as it did in 2015. No revisions were necessary, even if they were appreciated. But you might as well buy the revised version if you think there’s something to learn. Keep it on your bookshelf or Kindle. Highlight passages or add bookmarks. Pass it around to friends. Read it for book club. It’s worth it still.
I write this shortly after reading Nagoski’s most recent book, Come Together. This newest work, while still aimed more at women readers, tackles sexuality issues as couples—and especially long-term couples—experience them. It starts with the premise that understanding how your desire works can change your life. But it may not always be enough to summit the mountain created by other issues. Instead, Come Together instructs readers to look past desire and focus on pleasure with some practical tips for doing exactly that.
Come Together is a natural sequel to Come As You Are in many ways, and if there were an instance where I wouldn’t recommend Nagoski’s first book, it would be if they already had but needed more. This book fills that need.
And, hey, maybe neither of these books meets any of the needs you’ll ever have (although I doubt it). In that case, I can’t recommend them to you. If so, you’re already doing better than most people, so consider yourself incredibly lucky. But if you ever find yourself joining the rest of humanity with at least occasional sexual issues, these books will be there for you.