Not all of the reviews that I write are positive, and I don’t make any apologies for that. I’ve used some great toys that just didn’t fit my anatomy, and many, many toys are beautiful, but just won’t cut it when it comes down to it. There’s almost nothing worse than drooling over a toy, especially an expensive one, and realizing that I hate it. But it’s worse for consumers like you, who spend your hard-earned money without the steep discounts that I get as a reviewer.
So let me help you avoid the same mistakes I’ve made by compiling this list of toys that I just can’t recommend; in fact, I don’t want you to have your heart broken just a little like mine was.
- I don’t know what the hell was the problem with my Mimi. Either it was defective, or everyone who liked it was batshit crazy. Now, I don’t want to insult all my readers, but we were not having the same experience at al. So I let my cat chew on my Mimi before trading it away. Just kidding. I can’t control those pussies.
- I have disliked almost all of the Jimmyjane vibrators I’ve used, and the Form 2 was no exception. From weak, buzzy vibrations to breaking randomly, it as all bad.
- There was so much buzz about the iRide. It wasn’t intended for human use at all.
- Minna Ola uses technology that sounds so intriguing but is freakin’ frustrating to use in reality. I spend a bit of money on this G-spot vibrator, and now it’s sitting in a drawer.
- Bbold Premium is gorgeous, and I’ve always liked BSwish as a company. However, almost all of the vibes — especially the rechargeable ones — are stupidly weak.
- I haven’t liked a single toy from Tantus. I don’t understand it, but the Splish was among the worst. I should have paid more attention to the specs, yes, but there’s not a single reason for a dildo to be the size of a pinky finger like this was.
- Tantus Delta was flexible as fuck. Eww.
- And the Alumina Revolve? sort of pretty. Totally disappointing.
- Don’t even get me started on the Pure Wand.
- Icicles Number 39 was gorgeous. I think I could have loved if.. If it didn’t break before I even got to use it. I don’t want to say that you shouldn’t try Pipedreams glass, but this gives me serious misgivings about the entire line.
- The Cake Body Butter smelled like shit. Well, not quite. It was rancid.
- And Lelo’s massage candle smelled okay but was terrible when it came to massage.
- Lelo Luna Beads were all hyped up. I don’t think that there’s any point to multiple weights in kegel balls.
- Material Girl Fetish Fantasy dress was too small and unflattering in so many ways. The lack of adjust-ability was also terrible. It was pretty ridiculous.
- The Touch of Fur rabbit flogger actually came apart when I used it. I sewed it back together by hand because I fuckin’ love the feel of it.
- The Crystal Whip by liberator is attractive and versatile, but it’s also cheap quality wise. Rhinestones fell off. I think I superglued one back together.
- Finally, the Sasha harness looked cool but didn’t fit in a flattering way. It was one of the biggest bummers ever.
What vibrators, dildos or lingerie have left you wanting more? What’s the biggest disappointment in your life and how much did it cost?