Celebrating #MasturbationMonth and Solo Sex

May 10th, 2018

We’re less than halfway through Masturbation Month, and I am quick enough to write a post celebrating it! Inconceivable!

I can’t remember the first time I masturbated. I know that I was making my Barbies have sex and contemplated my own pleasure when I was in the single digits. I thought of my vagina as the place that was supposed to give me pleasure, but I enjoyed clitoral friction. Like so many girls, my young masturbating often involved humping a pillow or blanket to sate this desire.

Nor do I recall the first time I masturbated with a toy. I know that I was 18 and living on my own for the first time. I purchased a vibrator online and soon followed this with a Rabbit Habit and then a second when that one broke because of the way that I liked to bend the toy during use.

Sometime between these two firsts, I had masturbated for the first time in someone else’s house. In fact, I think I have masturbated in nearly every home I’ve ever had the opportunity to sleep in, not to mention several hotels.

The first time I tried anal masturbation was shortly after I got my first vibrator, a purple behemoth that was likely made from jelly. I wanted to try anal insertion in the shower, so snuck it in the bathroom without my roommate seeing. I don’t know if I even owned lube at the time, and I certainly didn’t realize that jelly toys shouldn’t be swapped between orifices like that. In hindsight, it’s embarrassing but also a testament to my willingness to experiment.

I used those toys when I masturbated vociferously over the phone with my fiance (a naturally leap from our previous cyber sex) with whom I had partnered sex for the first time. He was also the first person I masturbated in front of, both on purpose and accidentally.

I was living overseas when I masturbated in public for the first time. Although, it was a limited definition of “public.” I was in the very last row of an otherwise empty bus and quickly rubbed one out through my jeans. I would not do that again.

The first time I squirted was during masturbation. My then-husband was deployed once more, and I was alone. I had inserted Ophoria’s K-balls and pressed a vibrator (the Miracle Massager). against them. This created intense G-spot stimulated thanks to the size of the balls. And the inner balls bounced around as the K-balls vibrated.

I remember the first time that I cried during masturbation. Things had recently ended with The Bartender. Every time I masturbated, I missed him and our amazing sex. I wasn’t ready to be back to doing it solo. I would often come or ejaculate and sometimes cry. I also recall the first time that I cried during masturbation that didn’t make me feel distressed. I was using the Unicorn dildo, and it seemed to pull an emotional catharsis as well as ejaculate out of me.

More recently, I tried my hand at bringing myself to orgasm as many times as possible in a single session (I typically advise that the number of orgasms doesn’t count). I typically get off three or so times during any session but this time, I wasn’t going to call it quits until I actually couldn’t stand it anymore. I had ten or eleven orgasms before the muscles in my forearm were sore and stiff and needed relief.

It was only several months ago when I used my right hand to masturbate for the first time. It had taken me over thirty years to try it, mostly because I am so laterally-handed. Since then, I’ve tried right-handed masturbating a few more time, but I will never be an ambidextrous masturbator.

I am an avid fan of masturbating. Whether single or in a relationship. In fact, I might even jerk off more when I have someone to send sexy messages to or with whom to have phone sex.

At any given time, I’d prefer to masturbate over having sex if I am unsure of the quality of the sex. If I was positive that partner play would be satisfying, I would prefer it. I occasionally miss a sensual or erotic massage where my partner lightly tickles my upper back. But having sex for the sake of having sex? Doesn’t cut it. I am not so enthralled by novelty that it’s enough to make up for the quality of sex that most straight guys seem to bring to the table.

In fact, I am not really swayed by novelty much at all at this point in my life. Although people like Epiphora have discussed how sex toy reviewers must sometimes force ourselves to use subpar toys when we’ve rather be playing with anything than else, I mean something more than that. More often than not, I do not want to use any toy. I started an orgasm spreadsheet earlier this year, which is now collecting dust because I almost always rub on out manually through my underwear, usually getting off two or three times. It’s so routine. I certainly don’t want to use multiple toys. It all just sounds like so much work.

Of course, I do try new toys and partners. I do sometimes crave toys specifically — often only to realize they have dead batteries because it’s been so long since I last reached for them. I do wonder whether another person or another toy can do it better. I usually write about them on this blog. I wouldn’t be much of a sex toy reviewer if I didn’t!

But sometimes it’s nice to return to my old standby. To get off without needing to prepare or worry about a partner’s pleasure. And isn’t the one of the great joys of masturbating?

This is a sponsored post but all words are my own.

Psst, if you’re looking to pick up some new toys to celebrate Masturbation Month, check out my list of sex toy sales!

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Sex Yourself

May 8th, 2017

Sex Yourself
$11.99 (Kindle) from Amazon

If I was going to pick a book that was friendly and welcoming to readers, especially those who are looking to expand or start their sex lives, Sex Yourself would be pretty far up there.

Sex Yourself, subtitle ” The Woman’s Guide to Mastering Masturbation and Achieving Powerful Orgasms,” is the product of author Carlyle Jansen. Jansen is actually the founder of Toronto sex toy store Good For Her. I feel like Jansen is a capable vessel to disseminate this information, and Sex Yourself lends credibility by not avoiding actual names for our anatomy or trying to cute things up. I appreciate this.

The book does a good job at talking to the inexperienced reader without being overwhelming them while avoiding those all-too-common mistakes of treating sex as something to hem and/or hehe about. Jansen proves you can be gentle without being infantilizing or condescending (although, she does swap “masturbation” with “self-pleasure” and “solo sex”). Why don’t more people do this?

Right from the start, Sex Yourself aims to encourage masturbation and to mitigate feelings of guilt about masturbation. Jansen reassures the reader with stats about women and masturbation. She also touches on how solo sex is still sex, even if it’s with yourself, but it’s not cheating. The first chapter wraps up with benefits of masturbation, both for yourself and your partnered sex.

A bit of the formatting is lost in the digital edition

From here, Jansen teaches the reader about erogenous zones such as the clitoris. She also specifies between the vulva and vagina. Yasss! The second chapter is the comprehensive anatomy lesson that most of us never got with addition info on discharge, pregnancy, and menopause.

I don’t want to go through every chapter in detail, but  Sex Yourself is worth reading for many people, even if I found most of the information a little basic. It’s the type of book that a parent might give to their daughter or that a young woman might seek out to get in touch with her sexual side.

This book is body positive, and the encouragement for self-love extends beyond masturbation. Jansen’s words somehow make it a little more easy to be in a woman with so many expectations put upon us before providing actionable techniques for masturbation. Every topic that Jansen tackles to techniques to toys to masturbating in front of your partner is in-depth and accessible while encouraging natural sexual exploration.

I was consistently impressed with Jansen’s advice, the type that I and my fellow sex bloggers have been providing for years. Sex Yourself suggests lube time and again (yay) while providing all the information you need to choose a one (you can learn a bit more about the science of lube in this post). Issues such as ass-to-vag toy usage and anal toy safety aren’t glossed over. I love this.

Sex Yourself also dispels some myths such as one type of orgasm being superior to the other or that there’s a difference between G-spot and clitoral orgasms, to begin with. The book also doesn’t spread falsehoods like squirting is just pee, either.

Perhaps it’s because Jansen wrote Sex Yourself like so many of my peers have been writing posts (you’ll find recommendations for some of our favorite toys!) and books that it struck gold. It’s real, it’s useful, and its presence was much needed in the world of sex ed.

It’s also a quick read, and you can page through to the content you need without reading it all. In fact, I would recommend a physical copy because it looks like the formatting works just a bit better/is more polished than the digital version.

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A Toy A Day #1: Laya Spot

September 2nd, 2016

I recently took a look at my nightstand and realized that there were dozens of toys that I neglect. Not only should I use them more, but I should use them at all. Even my favorites have been collecting dust as of late. More often than not, I use toys only to review them and stick to manual stimulation when I want to get off because it’s quicker and more convenient.

There’s nothing wrong with this per se, but I do feel as though my sexuality isn’t completely integrated with the rest of my life lately. And it’s not just because I am perpetually single.

Regardless, I can change the situation with my sex toys. So as summer winds down, batteries will be recharged, and I will work my way through the draw. I expect to remember how much I loved some toys, be disappointed with those that I have grown apart from and be surprised by toys that has finally won me over.

I plan to detail this attempt in a little project called A Toy A Day.


Layaspot, Desire clitoral vibe and Siri 2

Layaspot, Desire clitoral vibe and Siri 2

There have been a number of toys that I liked or even loved while my fellow bloggers were lukewarm or even less satisfied with them. Fun Factory’s Laya Spot was perhaps the first. I enjoyed it so much that I powered past a disgusting BO-like smell right out of the packaging. And when my first one died after years of steady use, I replaced it.

Some months ago, the batteries in my Laya Spot died. It’s one of the few toys that I keep around that doesn’t have an internal battery and one of select few that runs on AAA batteries. Laya Spot’s strengths were never the vibrations. They’re lackluster and toward the buzzy end of the spectrum, which I don’t necessarily love.

No, it’s always been the shape of the Laya Spot that does it for me, so it’s no surprise that after switching to fresh batteries, I was able to get off within 60 seconds. Using the Laya Spot feels good, not utilitarian. And it’s all due to the shape. That drastic angled with the rounded tip has always nestled between my labia like it belongs that.

Laya Spot is also one of the few clitoral toys I have that’s rigid, and I cannot help but think this has something to do with why the shape works well for me. Not only is it pronounced, but I can easily achieve pressure thanks to the material. Fun Factory described it as Elastomed, but it feels like a slick-ish plastic to me, so movement is easy.

Throughout my years of using Laya Spot, I’ve used it over my underwear and directly against my skin. If I’m lazy and perhaps haven’t had time to clean it, I’ll use my underwear as a totally not effective barrier. But because it’s the shape and not the vibrations that I love, I rarely use it directly against my skin.

Now that there are fresh batteries in my Laya Spot, I’m sure I’ll find myself reaching for it in the dark of night when I half wake up, aroused and delirious.

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My Sex Life Can Legally Vote

February 3rd, 2015

And marry. And it can drink in Japan.

That is, to say, I’ve been a consciously sexual being since I was around 8 years old. Give or take.

I don’t remember the first time I masturbated exactly. I remember simply grinding against balled up blankets — never pillows — until I became sweaty and hot and felt finished. In hindsight, that must have been an orgasm. But either I didn’t know the word or maybe it really wasn’t. Perhaps I felt some sort of other closure. And I would stop for the night.

Some twenty years later, I occasionally find myself getting off in the same way. I almost-but-not-quite wake up in the middle of the night, reach down for a corner of my blanket and grind against it for dear life. I’ve always been a fan of grinding.

Of course, it’s not the only routine in my repertoire now, but that’s how this all got started. I was still in the single digits, and I was humping blankets when I was supposed to be sleeping. I suppose I became bolder, sometimes doing it during the day time. I recall masturbating in my best friend’s bed one night while she talked in the other room. I couldn’t quite remember where her brother was. I was relieved to know he wasn’t in the room.

I remember, in high school, masturbating with the door to my room not quite closed. Could someone in the living room see the movement of my feet and legs and guess what was happening even though I wasn’t making a noise?

It wasn’t that I was a voyeur. I was just a horny teenager, and I couldn’t resist if the mood strike. And strike it did — hard and often.

During my teen years, I spent countless hours in chatrooms talking to boys, men, women. Cyber sex, they called it. Back then, it was simply erotic roleplaying. There were no photos and videos, not really. People would try to encourage them, but I wasn’t comfortable in my skin in any way shape or form. During those times, the blood would rush to my clit and my G-spot, making me feel like I had to pee. I read plenty of articles about G-spot stimulation, but it wasn’t that. It wasn’t impending orgasm. I just mistook the equivalent of blue balls as a different sort of bodily fluid.

I experimented with technique during these times. I once read that you could use the handle of a Venus razor as an impromptu dildo. I tried. It wasn’t necessarily pleasurable and I freaked out when I realized I was bleeding. I was never entirely sure if it was a cut from vigorous thrusting of a first-time penetrator or if that was my hymen. It didn’t hurt, and neither did sex for the first time. I didn’t give it much thought. I was happy to be masturbating and having sex.

I guess there must have been other household objects, but nothing stuck. It was that blanket or nothing. At some point, I added in fingers to rub my clit, which afforded me the opportunity to jack off wherever the hell I wanted. Eventually, the feeling-like-I-needed-to-pee sensation would fade away, and I’d forget about it.

It wasn’t until 10 years after I started masturbating that I bought my first sex toy, a purple jelly beast. In hindsight, it might have been a bit large. But I used it for a couple years, and it worked for several years after that without the purple glitter jelly leaking. I was surprised. I enjoyed this toy internally and externally, but it wasn’t doing me any favors. I can now recognize that my body just wasn’t used to masturbating in different ways.

I decided that I need clitoral stimulation, too, and plopped down money on another purple beast: the Rabbit Habit. In less than a month’s time, I had broken it because my tendency was to pull the base upward, forcing the shaft to bend. I bought another, not realizing the dubious construction or materials were something that should prevent me from doing so. I hadn’t ever thought about silicone, even though the original Form 6 had already been added to my wishlist.

The second rabbit eventually broke, too, but because loose beads are simply a terrible idea. But between the two bunnies, I had managed to have a toy-induced orgasm. Except, I had no fucking idea what it was. The quick contractions of my vagina felt like an alien, and that’s literally how I described it to a Livejournal group I was part of. Some women replied with “Yes! That’s an orgasm.” Others thought I should see a doctor.

I spend a lot of time researching whether or not a person, especially a woman, could have an orgasm and not realize it. Weren’t they all supposed to be toe-curling and earth-shattering? Mine surely weren’t. In fact, to this day, I’d still describe them as somewhat perfunctory. There have certainly been some pleasurable orgasms, but they’re notable, not frequent.

A few more shitty toys, including pocket rockets, would call my makeshift converted shoebox home before I would finally upgrade to something better, mostly thanks to this blog.  I still focus on clitoral stimulation, and I often use nothing more than my fingers despite my growing collection.

Rabbit after rabbit followed. An interesting night with k-balls and the Miracle Massager led to me squirting for the first time, awakening my G-spot. Or perhaps re-awakening it and reminding me of sensations I had experienced but learned to fight years before.

The years following would include more clitoral and G-spot vibrators, glass, wood, stainless steel and various ceramic toys. Several of those years were spent with my ex-husband.

5 years ago, my marriage started to crumble. Although masturbation was much the same, my sex life would change forever when the divroce was finalized a little over 4 years ago. For months, I would struggled to be aroused and masturbate without fantasizing about my ex, an issue I still face when dealing with heartbreak.

For three years, I would remain sexually celibate. It wasn’t necessarily on purpose, but I also didn’t want to deal with the hassle that came with romance and/or sex. I was sick of terrible first dates. And for nearly two of those years, the hot geek was unintentionally breaking my heart.

2 years ago, I finally left my celibacy behind. I was glad to have broken the fast, but it didn’t enhance my sex life. My drive might have been kicked alive once more, but the very act that was the catalyst for this change also opened my eyes to the fact that there would be no coming back for seconds with this person.

Just under 2 years ago, I would begin a haphazard romantic and sexual relationship with the bartender. There were as many highs as there were lows, but the sex was some of the best in my life. It brought out parts of me that I hadn’t understood or perhaps had even hidden from light for years. I felt whole and I finally understood that my sexuality can never be quite complete without a partner.

1 day, 1 week, 1 month from now, I don’t know how my sex life might look. I can imagine. I can hope that the next time I have sex, it will satiate me in every way. But if there’s anything that the past two decades have taught me, it’s that the life my sexuality takes on is bigger, bolder and better than I can imagine.

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I haven’t gotten off in, like, a week

May 5th, 2014

Am I even alive?

2 Comments


This Week on Tumblr

July 12th, 2013

I spent Thursday through Sunday at a geek convention, so there wasn’t a lot of time to browse Tumblr. In fact, I didn’t hop on Tumblr until 24 hours after I got home. Gasp! However, there were a few gems to be found, starting with this creative image of someone’s favorite friend:

After attending a con that advertised “Costumes are not consent,” I was particularly struck by “16 ways to talk about consent.” Here’s slightly-more-than-half of those ways:

  1. “I like when you…”
  2. “How does this feel?”
  3. “Do you want to…?”
  4. “Show me what you like.”
  5. “Do you want to go further?”
  6. “Do you want to stop?”
  7. “Can I…?”
  8. “Does this feel good?”
  9. “Are you comfortable?”

I was a little confused by this article, in which the author discusses whether masturbation is healthy. The answer is, of course: duh!

I love the image that goes with this discussion on XOJane. Stop by and tell them what your favorite sex toy is.

You can win a Lelo Lyla 2 from Pleasure By Hush.

There’s also a review for the Stronic Zwei over on Bi Likes SciFi.

Finally, if you shell out $165, you’ll get this gorgeous dildo:

Doe

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Jerk.

May 1st, 2013

May is masturbation month. I’ve normally given it an amused nod in the past, but I think I’m going to try to keep up by masturbating every day until my birthday. Wish me luck!

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