If you’ve read more than one of my own reviews, you’ve probably come to realize me for the Incredibly Picky Bitch™ that I am. Some people appreciate it because they know I don’t give a passing grade to mediocre products. Other probably wish I didn’t nitpick their reviews quite so much to which I could say “STFU” or “Take it like a man”. Or, maybe I could direct them to this post which explains what I find helpful in reviews.
- Background/Extra Informaton
- I like to read a little extra information about manufacturers. I recall reading a review on EdenFantasys where the reviewer mentioned that Sinvention, is based out of a gothic church in Canada. Interesting? Yep. I also like when reviewers discuss the credentials of book authors, especially on topics like BDSM. Furthermore, knowing that a toy is made especially for body part X because of reason Y is great.
- What I don’t like? A two page essay on the history of the company. The review is of a product, not a company or perosn.
- Size Description
- It can be easy to leave out size but this is pretty essential information. It can be in inches/CM measurements or described in terms of a universal object (I used a soda can for reference in my Oil of Love Review) or, preferably, both. This is also important when it comes to lingerie/wearable items. I view anything from American size 12 on up as plus size (mostly because of my own body issues, honestly) but not everyone does. Your definition of “curvy but not fat” and mine may differ greatly.
- What I don’t like? Measuring every single aspect of the toy. I don’t need a spreadsheet. Nor do you need to add pictures with a ruler.
- Necessary Experience
- It’s helpful to know if you couldn’t insert a toy without lube or maybe not at all as frequently the case with the large Passion Wave vibrator. If something broke or caused irritation, it’s good to note but your review should focus more on specs than experience. Remember Uma? My god, was is hard to use. Whenever a toy uses unique controls, like the Vanity line did at the time, explaining your experience is helpful. When something frustrates you — or even when it makes more sense to you — others will find that helpful! If you find yourself consciously trying to arouse the reader, you’re doing it wrong.
- What I don’t like? Poorly written “erotica”.
- Whether or not it got you off
- This can be tricky. It’s good to know if the toy did it for you (if it’s applicable) but it shouldn’t be the focus of your review. I’ve rated toys poorly even when they did get me off because of poor quality of just because it didn’t do it well. On the other hand, I’ve given good reviews to items that didn’t get me off but were well made and enjoyable in general.
- What I don’t like? Reviews that are exceptionally positive (hyper excited) and fail to give other, essential information because the author got off from the toy. And poorly written erotica.
- Basic Information
- Don’t forget to let us know what the toy is intended for and if you used it otherwise. Colour, shape, scent, size (as previously mentioned), material (including texture, density, firmness, etc) and functions are all important. I can’t even name how many rabbit reviews I’ve read that didn’t specify what exactly the shaft did. However, feel free to suggest alternative uses.
- I’ve What I don’t like? Reviews that assume you’re familiar with the product.
- Significant Packaging Information
- I don’t give a crap what you said to your mailman or how long you waited at the door. I don’t care if it came discreetly boxed
because, honestly, I’ve never had a sex toy that showed up with neon streamers printed with “Sex Toy” in big, bold letters.[Edit] Actually, some lingerie has shown up in less-than-discreet packages, and both California Exotics and Pipedream add their actual company name to the shipping label. I do care if your the individual product package was so poor that the toy fell out/spilled or, even worse, was damaged during shipping. It’s also worth nothing when shitty companies shove everything they can into flimsy envelopes. - What I don’t like? The play by play of ordering and delivery.
Honestly, if you cover everything above your review can really not be anything less than useful. Doing so and adding your own bit of flare, perhaps humour, will help to make your reviews more memorable for sure.
Well stated! I think I agree totally.
My dirty little secret is that I can’t stand video reviews. They tend to go on and on and are, frankly, boring for the most part. Plus I can’t scan videos quickly to get the gist.
(sometimes they are great, when they show something unique and hard to describe)
I think I posted something about video reviews at some point but I’m really not a big fan anyway. I like text ones cause I can pick and choose what and how much I want to read. Videos demand attention in a way I do not appreciate. LOL
I have to admit, I am so bad about remembering to put something in about the packaging of a toy. It has to be one of the few things I often forget to write about in a review.