A while back, a friend texted me a question. What did I think, she asked, that she needed in order to be happy in her relationship? Now, I now what she meant and what she wanted me to say. She was hoping for a list along these lines:
- You need someone who listens to you
- and cares about your feelings
- and makes time for you
- and shows you how much you matter
These things are certainly all well and good. I do like to experience them when I am in a relationship. Yet, I did not give her that answer. Instead, I told her it was a trick question because I recognized that she was thinking about what she wanted instead of what she needed.
To put it plainly, by framing her question and attitude in that way, she is relying on external forces in order to be happy. Her happiness depends on someone else’s decision to be nice and caring. She was giving away any power she had to make herself happy. I have come to recognize that as a dangerous thing and I could not live with myself if I let the idea perpetuate.
So I told her that she didn’t need a relationship in order to be happy. All she needed was to recognize the things of value in her life: her friends and family, her pets, the opportunities she has had and will have, her youth. As you can guess, she didn’t take this very well. She wanted the answer her way and while I can understand that, she didn’t realize how unproductive and potentially damaging her perception is and will continue to be if she does not change it.
I know because it’s one of those things I have been working on changing about myself. I don’t leave things to fate or destiny, anymore. No, the fate of my happiness is in my own hands. It makes no sense for me to wait for something to occur (like finding the perfect job, perhaps) or for someone to do something (as much as I would love for my husband to see my side in things). That’s just wasting time I could already spend being happy by recognizing the things about my life that already are awesome.
After all, we will always be waiting to overcome some sort of obstacle. That is just how life works. The obstacles only stop when you’re dead and, even then, I can’t be sure there aren’t more challenges to face. No, happiness is not waiting until life becomes “easy” but recognizing what you have even when you also have challenges.
So I wasn’t about to tell my friend that she should wait for someone else to do X, Y and Z because I know that won’t help her ultimately be happy. The habit of waiting for external forces to make you happy is far too easy to develop and far too difficult to break down.
She saw me as difficult but I know better; I was being a good friend in the long run and we all need those from time to time.
I’ve been thinking a lot about this lately too. Or at least something very similar. I see people constantly drawing comparisons of themselves with their complete opposite to gauge how well they’re doing or how happy they are. You are definitely being a good friend by telling her she has to find her own happiness.
This is something that I’ve stated numerous times to people when I was in high school yet no one could seem to understand that your happiness didn’t come from XYZ, but from yourself first and is perhaps enhanced by the later.
That’s a hard lesson to learn, and one that many people never do; happiness needs to come from inside, and not from external forces. People and things don’t make us happy. Only we can do that.
It kills me that some people never DO learn that lesson.
It’s wonderful that you recognize the source of your own happiness & that you shared that information with your friend. Some day when the light clicks on for her, she’ll likely thank you.
This is similar to when people say “s/he made me feel bad.” I try to constantly remember that only I get to choose the way I feel, so people can’t hurt me if I don’t let them. Sometimes that’s not as easy to do as to say.
It’s usually easier said than done. C’est la vie. d=
While I completely agree
that you have to first be happy and confident with yourself, to be truly happy in a relationship, that will only get you so far.
(and thats enough)
However one of the problems is that women often seek a quick fix looking for that fullfillment with the wrong person…
this makes it even harder for their friends to convince them that 1.not only is the dude a douchebag, but 2.its a deeper issue than that.
I think the main thing people NEED in a relationship to be happy (after they are healthy/happy themselves)
is a partner who is compatible, and is consciously present.
I think true love is a conscious act…
that requires a presence in the moment with your lover.
The “its happening to me out of control feeling” is the passion/intensity that can be a catalyst to intimacy, but after it fades its the commitment to
the moments with the person that keep it alive.
Good luck to her and all of us.
We all deserve love.
-Micah