Happy Valentine’s Day, Or Is It?

February 15th, 2009

Valentine’s Day has always been stressful. Lovers strive to please those with whom they share intimate moments and, usually, their beds. Recipients paste on fake smiles as gifts don’t measure up or fail to come at all. Sometimes, the surprise is ruined by emergencies and unexpected intrusions by life’s practicalities. Of course, Valentine’s Day is always full of mass produced trinkets, cards and waxy chocolates which can sometimes seem to reduce the sincerity of the holiday. And sometimes, just sometimes, it’s as perfect as we all wish it to be (I haven’t experienced yet but my sources tell me this is the case).

Those perfect days are few and far between, judging from the what the internet has to say and the advent of “Single’s Awareness Day” which we all know is simply a holiday somebody invented because Valentine’s Day made him feel down in the dumps; most people are not fans of this holiday. I could go either way, myself. If you have someone and care to make it special, it can be despite the capitalistic spin it’s taken. On the other hand, it’s easy to look at as simply another day out of the year.

But why is it that Valentine’s Day and other similar holidays (New Year’s Eve Kiss, anyone?) cause so many to feel so much spite and, yes, even intense hatred? I’d say it likely has much to do with the fact that these celebrate love and praise the status of being “taken.” Now, I have nothing against love or finding someone who compliments you so well that you want to dedicate (at least a portion of) your life to them but, in praising this status, Valentine’s Day suggests that those who have not obtained such a status, regardless of the reason, are somehow inferior.

And no one wants to feel inferior. So we do everything in our power to be apart of the “in” crowd from sending ourselves flowers to lying about the lack of a someone special in our life. Of course, some people take a different route and, instead of lying, simply write off Valentine’s Day and even the idea of love itself. I would advise against this because love can be a wonderful thing; I just don’t find it necessary. I think we all should be open to finding love but not desperate to do so.

Furthermore, no one wants to be reminded of the fact that finding a special someone has proven more difficult than we first suspected. Or of our tumultuous previous relationships. Or of exes who broke our hearts (and maybe stole our money, too). Or the one who got away. When our coworkers and classmates get flowers at work or school from lovers to secret admirers, it’s too easy to feel spiteful or to even shed a tear or two – even if we wouldn’t otherwise care.

No matter your hookup status, it does us all good to take a deep breath and remember that Valentine’s Day doesn’t need to be a day where we torture ourselves with unnecessary pressure by trying to find the perfect gift, the perfect dress, the perfect date or the perfect ice cream to sooth our souls. At the end of the day, it is just another day. If you choose to view it as something special, good for you. If you’re enjoying the role of being single, good for you, too. If you’re somewhere in limbo, I hope you come out on top. There’s nothing wrong with treating yourself to flowers to tide you over until next year and don’t forget to take the time to stop and smell them.

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Erectile Dysfunction and Extramarital Sex

January 5th, 2009

A friend of a friend was looking for advice on her current situation. Her husband had been having troubles with erectile dysfunction for a while and while prescription medicine solved the problem, it was no longer working. Add to it that his doctor had just confirmed it would be a permanent issue, and my friend was feeling disgruntled. Her husband suggested that she go out and find someone else with whom to have sex and she was wondering whether or not this is a good idea. She certainly wished for sexual intimacy and was considering sex outside her marriage but wasn’t sure.

My first reaction was that there may be other activities husband and wife can do together. Oral sex and mutual masturbation both popped into my mind. Use of toys is also something I would advocate. A hollow dildo may work for some while others just might use vibrators and regular dildos. Use with her husband or alone, this friend might not feel as much of a need to seek sexual gratification after all. Furthermore, I encouraged her to research alternative treatments for ED such as acupuncture or herbal remedies. I’m no doctor but it certainly seemed like all involved parties gave up on finding a solution, not just for his ED but for achieving sexual intimacy together, rather quickly.

I next wondered if their relaitonship was stable and whether extramarital sex, even if condoned by her husband, would cause further strain. As I inquired further, it became obvious that everything wasn’t peachy keen. She and her husband were no longer sharing the same bed, resulting in an even further loss of intimacy. While she felt willing to look into other ways they could be intimate together, he had already written off the subject. It was clear, not being able to perform in bed had done a number on his ego and confidence, thus it was affecting their relationship.

As this information came to light, my opinion quickly changed from “this might be a plausible solution” to “This couple needs therapy, not extramarital sex.” What they had both perceived as problem in the bedroom was really a larger problem with their relationship, of which sexual frustration was only a symptom. It seemed to me, that by considering she have an outside sexual encounter, this couple was only putting the cart before the horse. By working on meeting each others’ emotional needs, I have a feeling the wife will feel less of a desire to have sex with others and they might be able to substitute other activities for vaginal sex, instead.

Now, in their specific situation I would strongly encourage therapy and, if he was not willing, she should go alone. I would not recommend that she continue with the idea of sleeping with others, at all. Still, were their relationship strong and healthy, it may have worked out as long as they were both sure about what they want and made sure to vocalize it.

While what he was suggesting might be a completely selfless sign of love, it could also mean a test. If she had sex with another man, he might judge her as failing or not loving him enough despite his flaws. Or perhaps he really isn’t comfortable with the idea at all but feels he must do something so that she does not leave him for something better. Either way, even a stable relationship would suffer. This is why it’s important to be honest not only to our partners but to ourselves.

It may take a little soul searching in order to really know whether or not he is okay with his wife having sex with another man and it even may be difficult for her to come to terms with the idea. Feelings like jealousy, resentment and poor self worth may surface here but they are all surmountable. If you’re Is it absolutely possible to put aside human traits of jealousy and possessiveness? Sure. Do we all have the will to do so? Not usually. If either partner is uncomfortable at all, it’s not something which should be acted upon, at least yet.

Furthermore, it doesn’t hurt to analyze the desire to seek out sexual fulfillment elsewhere. If this woman had done so, she would have discovered that she was not looking for sexual gratification alone; rather, she was looking to fill the emotional loss she was experiencing due to her husband pulling away. While he might be okay with her being in a sexual relationship with someone else, would he feel the same about her being emotionally intimate with another?

Which leads me to my last point: it’s vital to discuss (and agree upon) expectations and guidelines. The more she talked, the more it sounded like she was looking for a full time boyfriend but I could not help but wonder if this is what her husband had in mind. Perhaps he expected her to only have no-strings-attached one night stands. Perhaps he expected they would only have vaginal intercourse or not engage in activities which he felt we special to them (whether sexual or otherwise). Does he expect them to use protection? If so, what kind? Will she tell her new beau that she is married? Discussing when, where and how these trysts can occur not only helps to make sure all parties are on the same page but can help to shed light on whether or not everyone really is comfortable with the situation.

While I think this arrangement can work for some people, I think it doesn’t work for more people. I think certain conditions must be “met” before a couple should consider this. Other activities should be considered first, the relationship must be stable and healthy, both partners must be accepting of the idea and completely honest about their feelings and it’s a good idea to discuss guidelines and expectations beforehand.

If you have been successfully involved in a similar arrangement, it’s extremely likely it’s because you gave it some thought and followed these guidelines. Many of these considerations are those which belong in any relationship (honesty and communication) and others can be effective in negotiating open relationships or threesomes as well.

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What Is Normal?

December 27th, 2008

Spend anytime around adult communities, scratch that, any community on the internet and you will infallibly run across someone who wants to know if his or her behaviour or bodily characteristics are “normal.” Guys want to know if the angle of their penis is right, if the consistency of cum is average. Girls want to know if there’s something wrong with not being as sensitive or not being able to come from penis in vagina intercourse alone. What’s more, the same questions tend to be asked over and over.

Why? People want validation. As though, somehow, being told “It’s okay” by a stranger on the internet will alleviate all your worries. Unfortunately, that’s just not true and I have even worse news. Those who are quick to affirm that there is something wrong with you, are quick to tell you that their product is the miracle “cure.” Coincidence? I think not.

The truth of the matter is simple. There is no “normal.” There might be average. There might be things people will admit to being, doing or liking. There might be things people say apply to them in order to not stick out. There’s also a wide variety of things people won’t admit to, even anonymously. There’s also many things people do or like and they don’t quite know the word for them or don’t think to apply words to the activities. Even if normal were some tangible goal, we would never know what it is because there’s no way to quantify it.

What it comes down to is this: Stop asking if things are normal. It may seem that I am against asking questions or community support. The truth is far from it. I just support asking the right questions. I also recognize that there’s no use worrying about some things. We’re not all the same and sometimes it’s the quirks that set us apart.

So for those people who are quick to wonder if they’re normal, I must ask my own question? Does it matter? If you can answer “yes” to all the questions below, probably not. If not, there’s a little advice to be had.

Are you satisfied?
Even if your penis curves to the right or you like to be spanked in bed, it may not interfere with your overall sexual satisfaction. In fact, the opposite may be true. While I advocate exploration (in fact, exploration is one of those worrisome topics), if you’re happy, being “normal” doesn’t matter.
Is your partner happy?
Of course, it’s a little more difficult to be sure of this but, like any aspect of a relationship, fulfillment stems from communication. Ensure that you’re attentive and willing (eager is better!) to his or her (or their) needs and whether or not your cup size is average pales in comparison.
Are you being safe?
The pleasure of sex comes with its risks and STDs and pregnancy are both the least of the worries. When it comes to interests which can be harsh on your emotional or physical state, like BDSM, safety is a must. But if you’re careful about your sexual activities, you needn’t worry about how many people are doing them.
Is it healthy?
This is a question which I feel is extremely important to ask. While somethings do not have serious ramifications, health is a subject which should not be glossed over. If you have been dealing with issues such as painful intercourse or even inability to maintain an erection for a prolonged period of time, it may be best to consult your doctor.
Are you okay with it?
Sometimes, we just want to be like everyone else even if there’s no solid reason. This is why many grown men choose to be circumcised and some people op for plastic surgery. Even if you’re sexually satisfied, healthy and safe, your peculiarities might be worrisome. If you don’t feel comfortable in your own skin then, by all means, do whatever it takes to change that. Whether that means changing (what you can) or changing your attitudes about what you can’t, we all have the right to feel comfortable.

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Sex Toy Materials at a Glance

November 24th, 2008

I am a little concerned about sex toy materials. Being, that I would prefer to use safer and higher quality toys but I would likely not completely rule out certain materials because they are not as quality. It really depends on the toy in question.

However, keeping track of sex toy materials – of which there are many – can be difficult even if you make an effort to be aware. So, I thought I’d provide a fact sheet detailing some of the common materials used for sex toys in descending order of quality. (I’m excluding things like wood, glass and metal which are much less confusing.)

Elastomed
Elastomed is a medical grade elastomer derivative which is nonporous, phthlalate free, hypoallergenic, odorless and completely safe. These toys are safe to use with either silicone or water based lubricants. Sex toys made of Elastomed tend to be less pliable. Although Elastomed shares many of the same great characteristics as silicone, it should not be boiled or wiped with an alcohol or bleach solution.
Silicone
100% silicone is nonporous, therefore it can be sterilized by boiling for 3 minutes or washing them in your dishwasher (top shelf, no mechanical toys, remove bullets) which makes them safe for sharing. It also does not contain potentially harmful chemical softeners known as phthalates. Silicone is rather pliable, comes in many colours and densities and also retains heat (try warming before use) which makes it very popular.

There is some debate about whether silicone toys can be used with silicone lubricants. Pure silicone toys can be used with silicone toys. However, toys need only contain 10% silicone to be labeled as such so your toy and lube (or if you store several silicone toys touching) may appear to “react” with eachother. This is actually the melting of chemical softeners in your toy which indicates that it is not pure silicone. However, you should spot test your toys to check. It is always safe to use a water based lube with silicone toys.
VixSkin Silicone
VixSkin Silicone is a 100% premium silicone product from Vixen Creations and is safer than other skinlike materials without losing its realistic feel. The material in VixSkin Silicone is nonporous and can be sterilized by boiling for 3 minutes, wiping down with a 10% bleach solution or washing in the dishwasher. Like silicone toys, it is best not to use silicone based lubricants with VixSkin Silicone because it may cause a reaction. Spot test your toy in an inconspicuous place if you would like to use silicone based lube.
TPR Silicone
TPR Silicone is a mix of Silicone and ThermoPlastic Rubber (see below). This phthalate free composite is 10% silicone or more and generally has no taste or smell. Hardness varies in TPR silicone which can be very pliable. It is less porous than jelly but cannot be sterilized so sharing should only be done with condoms. TPR Silicone can be cleaned with a toy cleaner of soap and water and, to ensure a long life of your TPR silicone toy, it should only be used with water based lubricants.
TPR
TPR, or Thermo Plastic Rubber, Silicone is a blend of silicone and rubber. Although it is less porous than rubber it is still slightly porous, thus it cannot be sterilized like pure silicone but can easily be cleaned with warm water and soap or a toy cleaner. TPR toys should not be boiled. If you plan to share TPR toys, use them with a condom. TPR Silicone is pliable, easy to wash and phthalate-free. TPR toys can be used with water or silicone based lubricants.
TPE
Thermoplastic Elastomers (Elastormer, TPE Plastic) are not nonporous and is essentially the same as TPR. However, they are less porous than materials such as Cyberskin. Like TPR toys, TPE sex toys should not be boiled and cannot be disinfected. These toys can be cleaned with warm water and soap or an antibacterial toy cleaner. If shared, use condoms with Elastomer sex toys. TPE is often used in toys which have several textures. Like TPR, TPE can be used with water or silicone based lubricants.
Jelly
Jelly is a common sex toy material and may be cheaper than silicone alternatives. However, it is also more inferior in quality. Jelly toys are made of PVC which is chemically softened with phthalates, a potentially harmful ingredient which causes jelly toys to have an unpleasant and sometimes stubborn “rubber” smell. Jelly toys are soft and pliable and come in many colours. Jelly toys are porous and cannot be sterilized so they should only be shared if condoms are used. Condoms may also prolong the life of jelly sex toys. Jelly toys can be used with both water and silicone based lubes, should be cleaned with warm water and mild soap and store in a cool environment.

Jelly may be a term given to any soft sex toy when the material is actually higher quality of traditional PVC jelly.
Rubber
Rubber sex toys generally contain latex, an ingredient to which many people are allergy. Latex toys are also lower quality than other sex toy materials and have a shorter life, even when looked after carefully. Rubber toys usually have a strong smell that may never be completely eliminated. Rubber toys are nonporous, thus they cannot be sterilized and you should use condoms with rubber toys you plan to share. Rubber toys can be cleaned with warm water and soap but should never be boiled. Rubber toys come in over 260 different colours, are cheap to make (and buy) and are soft which make rubber one of the most popular sex toy materials. Rubber toys can be used with silicone or water based lubricants.
Cyberskin
Cyberskin and other skin-like materials (Pure skin, SoftTouch, SoftSkins, PassionSkin, Futurotic) tend to be the least safe materials in the sex toy market because they are so porous. However, what they lack in safety may be counteracted by their flesh-like appeal to some folks. Cyberskin and similar toys can be cleaned with soap and water but never can be disinfected so use with a condom is a must if sharing toys. Using a condom may also be beneficial even if you do not share Cyberskin toys because these materials may contain potentially harmful chemical softeners known as phthalates which can also cause reactions between toys so store your Cyberskin toys away from eachother and silicone toys as well. Use only water based lubes with these toys and store them in a cool, dark place. Many of these toys arrived dusted in cornstarch and should be stored as such when you are finished with them (but not talc!) Condoms may prolong the life of these toys but do not expect Cyberskin and similar toys to last a lifetime.

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Categories: Articles

Toy Intimidation

November 9th, 2008

A good friend recently came to me with concerns about his girlfriend and her sex toys. He was feeling a little bit intimated and wanted to know this:

Am I, as a guy, good enough to make my girl have a better orgasm than she can get with using a toy? Is it weird or wrong to feel bad about something like that?

No, it’s not wrong to worry about something like this.

Because you’re only human. I think feeling intimidated is fairly common and understandable. However, taking a look at what makes up the intimidation can help to greatly reduce or even eliminate it. While I advocate sex toys, I understand that some people simply do not like this. This is not about not liking sex toys; rather, it is about feeling replaceable in relation to them. Furthermore, although my examples focus on a heterosexual relationship, these feelings are universal.

Yes, sex toys may be bigger than you are.

Vibrators and dildos may be bigger or longer or thicker. They are often even made to look realistic and next to your natural manhood, you may feel small. But keep this in mind. Bigger is not always better. The vagina is not a neverending canal and there comes a point when size is painful rather than pleasurable.

Yes, vibrators may have more bells and whistles than you do.

Let’s face it: vibrators do a lot of stuff. For starters, they vibrate. They pulsate. They rotate. They bend and wiggle and wave and have beads and even thrust like a penis. Furthermore, vibrators run on batteries or are rechargeable so they may last longer than you.

Yes, sex toys may sometimes feel better.

With all the technological advancements, no one is surprised how far sex toys have come. Sometimes sex toys do just the trick but sometimes a guy just wants to masturbate for a (relatively) quick and easy orgasmic release, too.

Yes, toy induced orgasms may be better.

But orgasms vary in intensity for many other reasons. I’ve had both awesome orgasms and really disappointing orgasms with a partner and with sex toys.

No, sex is not all about physical sensations (or even orgasm).

I don’t want to generalize but for many men, sex ends with orgasm and ejaculation. It’s easy to understand how this can lead to the assumption that the goal of sex is orgasm through pleasure. However, females are different creatures. For them, sex more often focuses on the emotional aspect. Pleasure is also important and, luckily, we’re becoming a society which stresses pleasure for both genders. However, the female orgasm is still one which can often be difficult to achieve. So if you think that sex is all about physical sensation, then sex toys may just give you a run for your money. However..

Yes, all that “other stuff” is important to her, too.

As I said, there is often a stronger emphasis on the emotional aspect of sex for women. The bond you share, the vulnerability you’re willing to show when stripped to the skin and intimate moments during sex are all important factors when it comes to enjoying sex. When these factors are high, the physical pleasure may not be as necessary or may be a secondary reward.

No, sex toys are not human.

I think this is what it all comes down to. It’s easy to feel intimidated when only consider the factor of pleasure but sex is made up of much than that for all people. Being comfortable with your significant other using sex toys is easier once you realize you are not replacable because of the human aspect. The emotional bond, your desire to please your lover, your ability to observe her reactions to please her better, small talk and even awkward moments make sex with another human unique and irreplacable and are why not heteosexual woman is likely to put her boyfriend in the nightstand instead of her vibrator.

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Premature Ejaculation: What does it mean?

October 21st, 2008

It might be pretty cut and dry to some what it means but I think the assumption that there is a time when a man can ejaculate too early shows a lot about our expectations and perhaps misunderstandings about sex.

In my mind, assuming there there is a time which is “too early” for a man to orgasm, means that there must be a “correct” time for him to orgasm. To imply cut-and-paste directions to sex is not only futile but potentially harmful. How many problems from people only wanting to be viewed as normal? I think I am fairly educated when I come to sex and reasonable as well. I figure if I want to do it, if he agrees and if we’re not hurting anyone (or at least taking care not to cause irreparable harm) or breaking any laws, then it’s a go even if it’s not  seen as normal.

With that said, I don’t think that any averages are accurate when it comes to judging sex. Who is to take that a the average penis size is 5.3 inches or black men have bigger cocks or sex lasts and average of 15 minutes The fact is sex shouldn’t even be looked at in the terms of average but in the terms of what’s right for you. Why are we so busy obsessing over a model of typical behaviour when, in actuality, that model itself is skewed because people are too afraid to admit how it actually is.

So what is the model in this context? I think the model is that a guy must last a certain time in order to please his partner. Often, this includes helping the partner achieve orgasm as well. While I am all for satisfaction, attentiveness and orgasm, I think it’s impossible to apply a blanket statement over sex. The only person who can set a standard is your partner and, even then, the standard may vary drastically from time to time.

When it comes down to, “holding out” as long as you can or until your partner cums maye actually be less pleasant than you might think. In fact, putting pressure on your partner to orgasm may prevent him or her from being able to do so.

So when is the right time to orgasm? Do you need to last X amount of minutes or provide X amount of orgasms? Ask your partner! Know what it takes to satisfy your partner and be attentive to those needs first, if you feel you might not last as long as you would like. Remember, however, that sex can be completely satisfying without an orgasm for your partner. We don’t know if your partner prefers to orgasm once or twice before you do but she or he does!

Stop listening to everyone else and listen to the one person who matters most in your sex life, the person with whom you are having sex!

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Silicone in Your Sex Life

October 6th, 2008

Silicone is a common ingredient in many things like sex toys and lubricants. In lubricants, it’s preferred because it feels slicker, can last longer and does not get as tacky. Silicone lubricants are condom compatible. However, silicone lubricants should not be used with silicone sex toys because it can cause a reaction like melting.

Silicone is a high quality ingredient for sex toys. Silicone toys are soft like jelly, come in many colours and retain body heat. Unlike jelly, silicone does not contain the potentially harmful chemicals known as phthalates which is what causes the rubbery smell.

Pure silicone is also nonporous so toys can be thoroughly disinfected by boiling or running through the dishwasher (top shelf, no soap) – only if they are waterproof and not mechanical, of course. Disinfecting is important when sharing with partners.

Because silicone toys are higher in quality, they may also be higher in price.

However, a toy need only contain 10% silicone to be labeled as silicone. Be wary if the toy is labeled as TPR silicone as it is slightly porous.

One last warning, silicone toys should not be store closely together (touching) because it may cause a reaction (melting). (This point is slightly debatable but better safe than sorry)

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