Here we are.. again

July 20th, 2009

1 year and 3 days ago I introduced myself to the world as Adriana Ravenlust. I had big plans, big ideas – like I always do. I don’t dream small. I dreamt of being the biggest and the best. I wanted to explore my sexuality, to let you journey with me. I wanted to talk about love more frankly than I have been able to for years. I wanted an identity through anonymity.

And I have achieved some of that. Yet, I cannot help but see how I fallen flat on my face as well. In so many ways I am not where I was. In so many ways, I am still.

I’ve traveled by plane from my home abroad to return to the states where I feel, perhaps even more-so, a stranger. And not even because I spent 2 years living across the world. I went from reviewing items and blogging about it in my spare time to nearly making it a career after saying good bye to my husband as he departed for his second deployment (he returns home in a few “short” weeks). I have spent those months in almost complete isolation, without a single friend to break the silence – except for you, dear reader, commenter, Tweeter, e-mailer. For a while, I felt a connection with a community in a way I had not connected for months, even years. I felt hopeful at the prospects. E-mails and comments and Tweets caused laughter, made it easier to survive the day.

Perhaps most surprising was the way that this blog actually helped to bring my husband and I closer together, maybe even lending a hand to mend a rift,the worrying about which would keep me awake at night.

I could not have expected those changes but even stranger, I could not have predicted what would stay the same.

Despite the fact that I wanted to reinvent myself in some ways, I have only succeeded in being me even more. I have resisted changed, disagreed with policies and argued vehemently over opinions, as I am wont to do. I am sure that I have made more than one enemy.

I have also been unable to prevent or stop feelings from bleeding over into this aspect of my life as well. Most importantly and relative to this blog is my dependence and desire in regards to recognition. While I enjoy reviewing and blogging and Tweeting more than I ever realized I would, I do not enjoy it nearly as much as I could on those days when I get lost in the shuffle. Perhaps it’s simply hard to stand out among the seemingly endless sea of sex toy reviewers. I am no Epiphora, no Sleeping Dreamer.

Maybe I have failed to cement myself as more than a sex toy reviewer as personalities such as Essin’ Em have done; although, I have tried and will likely continue to do so with articles, features and even a bit of erotica. It is entirely possible that no matter how I try, I just do not have what it takes, that I lack the edge to stand out in the crowd. It could be even more likely that in my zeal to be someone else, I forgot to be me and isn’t that, after all, the only absolutely unique thing I have to offer the world?

I probably just expect too much, in this, as I do all else, setting myself up for disappointment. It was folly to set my expectations so high (yet I did, do, will). I find it more appealing commiserate than to congratulate myself on this hallmark. I could be misguided, even in that.

Happy birthday, blog.

14 Comments

Categories: Everything Else, Site

Good Vibrations Guide to the G-spot

July 18th, 2009

Good Vibrations Guide to the G-spot

Good Vibrations Guide to the G-spot
$9.50 from Amazon

“Good things come in small packages”.
“There can be too much of a good thing”.
“It’s the little things that count”.

At first glance at The Good Vibrations Guide to the G-spot (here on out just known at The Guide, okay?), it’s hard not to wonder if the Good Vibes team, including author Cathy Winks (a former Good Vibes employee, reviewer, and guide author), religiously stuck to one of the above cliches. Otherwise, why would this book be so damned short? Indeed, measuring in at 63 pages, a full 10 of which include references, resources and notes, it almost feels erroneous to call this a book. Perhaps “extended pamphlet” would be more accurate? In truth, I believe that Good Vibes/Ms Winks tried to be open and honest about a subject which has not been thoroughly studied or even acknowledged by the scientific community and, by extension, most knowledge is anecdotal, regarding personal experience, rather than tried and true scientific fact. Even then, what exists is little and, by sticking to the few facts there are, Good Vibes was only able to produce a slim book. In some ways, I applaud this approach because The Guide is essentially hype-free and that is definitely one of its strong points. On the other hand, it quickly becomes evident that there just isn’t enough evidence to warrant the writing of this book or the purchase unless you really prefer a hard copy to keep in the nightstand or are otherwise completely unfamiliar with the G-spot.

So a brief rundown of this brief publication. The introduction sets the attitude for the entire book and that attitude is extremely reassuring and comforting. Cathy Winks tells the reader that, yes, some women experience pleasure from G-spot stimulation in these ways and the G-spot can sometimes be located and stimulated in these ways, every woman is different. Some women need different techniques, have different shapes or quite simply are not positively affected by G-spot stimulation. And it’s all okay. The intro also introduces us to the quotes from real women that are printed throughout the book, describing their personal experiences.

Just the Facts, Ma’am is the chapter which follows and basically gives the reader an anatomy lesson. Cathy talks us through the clitoris, anus, vagina, perineum, urethra and, of course, the urethral sponge AKA the G-spot. In fact, most references to the G-spot seem to use the term urethral sponge. I find this to be slightly misleading because The Guide does not take the time to differentiate between the different erogenous zones located around the urethra/sponge – IE the G and U-spots. Some confusing wording in The Guide seems to imply that the erogenous zone near the urethral opening, also known as the U-spot, is simply the “external” end of the G-spot. I find this to be erroneous but perhaps it is simply another poorly researched topic. Similarly, there is no mention of the Anterior Fornix Erogenous Zone/A-spot. Regardless, the author explains that all the hype about G-spot orgasms has done a disservice to clitoral orgasms and orgasms in general as women right them off as the “wrong” kind of orgasms. By the end of the chapter you feel that, whatever works for it, it’s all okay.

I’d like to take the time to note that this chapter includes a diagram which I found especially unhelpful. Perhaps it is the size limits or the black and white or simply the image is not true to proportion for simplicity’s sake but it is not my favourite. In particular, the pubic bone seems incredibly far from the vagina.

The next chapter is perplexing in that it is its own chapter at all. Ms Winks explains to the reader that there really is no new information about female sexuality or the female body. Nothing is being discovered, only rediscovered when society finally decides it is acceptable. Body part by body part, she outlines the discovery and exploration of body parts from Kinsey’s findings on the clitoris to Grafenerg’s studies on the urethra and naming of the G-spot to historical recollections of the female prostate and how views about female ejaculation have changed over the years. Because this chapter was generally split up by body part, I’m not sure why it couldn’t be merged with the first. Additionally, much of the information felt like repetition, already. Save for the interesting fact that, for over 2 thousand years, scientists believed conception was due to both male and female ejaculations, there wasn’t much information worth reading and certainly nothing really new to me.

Exploration focuses on finding your grove (if one is to be found) with the G-spot. It starts with an emphasis on communicating with your partner, describes general location and feel of the G-spot and, like many other resources, advises plenty of play to increase arousal beforehand. The typical “come hither” technique is discussed as well as suggestions of position for solo and partner exploration, including intercourse. However, most of the chapter seems to cover ejaculation: how to (don’t forget those kegels!), who can do it, what ejaculate is made of so on and so forth. I found it interesting that no studies have been done to determine if female ejaculate could carry STIs. Again, this chapter reflects the great amount of uncertainty in the world of female orgasm and ejaculation.

Tips, Toys and Techniques delves into the PC muscle and spends a page or three stressing – yet again – that all orgasms are good and whether or not you have one type, another or a blend of all types it’s all okay. The chapter is summed up with description and even names of toys which might help stimulate the area. Cindy tells us that some women like vibration on the G-spot and others not, because it is responsive to pressure and not touch – a useful (but not new) tip, indeed.

And then the book is done – save for notes, references, resources and a note about the author.

Say what? Yes, that’s it. Besides a few interesting historical points, a tip that cervical caps may block access to the G-spot and the bit about ejaculate and STIs, there was virtually no information in here that I did not already know (and even those tidbits were something I could likely learn about via the internet). If you’ve Googled the G-spot more than once or followed any discussions about G-spot orgasm, you probably already have all of this information. So, if you’re like me and have the information but haven’t had a lot of luck with G-spot exploration anyway, this is not your solution. However, if you’re an absolute newbie to the G-spot, require your information in hard copy or are informed but still incredibly unhappy about your progress with G-spot orgasms, this book might be useful to you. Even still, it’s easier and cheaper to Google it.

10 Comments

Categories: Books, Reviews

Best Lesbian Erotica 2009

July 15th, 2009

Best Lesbian Erotica 2009

Best Lesbian Erotica 2009
$15.95 from Amazon

As my collection of erotic and “mature education” books grows, I’ve grown, too. I’ve become more aware of my preferences and, hopefully, this will help me determine what items are best for me to buy or review. Unfortunately, despite the fact that I know I like lesbian erotica, I was still disappointed in Best Lesbian Erotica 2009: because it’s not all encompassing lesbian erotica, it is narrowly focused butch/femme erotica.

Let me back up, though. This colourfully bound book called for me ever since I first laid eyes on it. It’s feminine and modern in purple and green (a la Joker, perhaps?) shades which don’t quite match the hair and fingernails of the scantily clad ladies on the cover but that’s okay because it’s still pretty. Really, the colour combination is one which I have always loved so it easily won me over.

It’s also the last edition Tristan Taormino will edit and begins with her foreword which both gives us a glimpse of what is to come in the book and what has come in her life because of her involvement with the series. It’s erotic in its own way, touching and appropriate. Following, is an introduction by Joan Larkin, the one who selected the stories (and as such, the object of my scorn). Following Tristan’s words, the introduction really pales in comparison.

The majority of this book is, of course, 2 dozen tales of girl on girl (and sometimes another girl) action brought to you by names lesser known and names instantly recognizable (such as Rachel Kramer Bussel). They are, undoubtedly, well written and edited; however, they do not necessarily provide “in your face” action. The settings and interactions are both profound and arousing: sometimes profound because they are arousing and sometimes the other way around. I particularly enjoyed, Shanna Germain’s “On Snow-White Wings”, a beach-side tale of how love can surprise a soul to the point of obscuring recognition.

However, the majority of these stories do little to veer from the theme of butch and femme interactions. Although some stories only implied as much, others were laden with stereotypes and pretenses to the point that I would read less than the first page of a story and skip past it thinking “Not another one”. You see, I don’t mind these stories. Many of them were extremely hot. I more than thoroughly enjoyed “Lipstick on Her Collar” by Sachhi Green and expect to enjoy it repeatedly in the future but it was the unique setting of the story: a butch woman serving in the Woman’s Army Corps during Vietnam, who enjoys a roll in the hay with a femme reporter, amidst the war around them (and perhaps, slightly because of it). No, I do not deny that these stories can be great.

I also cannot deny that several stories, in fact, fight those stereotypes. Teresa Noelle Roberts’ “Tough Enough to Wear a Dress” tell a story of a dyke man enough to shed the stereotypes and step out in a burgundy, velvet evening gown. As her femme counterpart explains, people will think she is

a dyke in a costume.. A fabulous, flattering costume–but one that enhances who you are instead of hiding it

What I argue is that they are not the entirety of the lesbian world, as this edition would have us believe. As I am not familiar with previous versions, I cannot say if it is simply this one which reflects upon lesbians so narrowly or if the whole series is at fault but there is a distinct lack of “vanilla lesbian” (I fretted long and hard about the most PC way to illustrate this concept, please forgive if it offends).

Newsflash!

Not all lesbians subscribe to those lifestyles. The lesbian population is not evenly divided in to butch or femme. Some are a little of both. Some are none. Both parties in a lesbian couple can wear lipstick. Silicone does not have to be an extension of ones self, it can simply be a sex toy. And those lesbians aren’t hiding, either. Neither are they any less significant part of the population. So why is it that this book seems to overlook them so?

It’s a shame because some of the specifics within these stories (S&M, shoe fetishes, stranger sex and escorts – just to name a few) are spectacular but I found it impossible to ignore the overwhelming presences of rigid butch/femme stereotypes. Maybe what I want would be considered boring; maybe I’m not “hardcore” enough to appreciate Best Lesbian Erotica 2009. Maybe I want a man’s lesbianism and need to look elsewhere. Maybe, just maybe, I’m right

 

4 Comments

Categories: Books, Reviews

S&M 101

July 13th, 2009

S&M 101

S&M 101
14.44 from Amazon

Although it’s been years since I’ve had to go to school on a Monday morning, you’ll be happy to know I’ve been keeping up with my homework. 😉

For years, I have intended to pick up S&M 101 by Jay Wiseman because it has been unanimously recommended to me. S&M 101 is perhaps the quintessential BDSM book on the market and it is more than titled appropriately. From the moment I picked it up, I understood why. This is no flimsy volume but a nearly-400 page tome of information about BDSM and, although it contains much information, is it a quick read and I was halfway through it in a matter of days, simply reading through it as I waited for pages and programs to load in my computer. Furthermore, Mr Wiseman’s casual yet knowledgeable tone stresses safety and caution in all things risky (which BDSM is) without ever sounding condescending or holding the “holier than thou attitude” which runs rampant among many BDSM participants and can be a serious deterrent to struggling newcomers. It may not be the only resource in your collection but it’s a perfect first.

I suspect this will be a lengthy review, because it is a lengthy book. Although Mr. Wisemen does not discuss every single aspect of BDSM in minute detail, he covers a great many aspects and in a depth I appreciate. I like specific answers and SM101 provides me with those, specific answers about BSDM. While many of the ideas he presents are not new to me, he gives refreshing details. I’d like to take a moment to explain that, in his book, Jay uses SM as an umbrella term rather than BDSM and it seems this is simply due to the trends at the time when it was published (first edition in 1992 and this, the second edition, sometime between 1996 and 2000).

SM101 starts with a sort of introduction from Jay Wiseman about how he started writing this book as well as how he started in BDSM. It’s interesting but I found it to be long. Some of his personal experiences might have been more interesting at the end of the book; instead, they felt like a speed bump on my way to the “real” material. That material starts with a chapter on the Basic Basics which will outlines consent and safety measures – with a negotiation form – and Finding Partners which aids in finding partners through ads and club, by your sexual orientation and ends with advice for introducing BDSM to your existing relationship.

Next come several chapters on the more physical aspects of BDSM (Bondage, Flagellation, Clamps etc) as well as some thoughts on Lubricants. In these sections, the author discusses different BDSM gear, where to buy it, characteristics of quality gear and how to use it. You will not be an expert in physical BDSM but reading this book can definitely aid in your understanding of these tools. For instance, SM101 taught me that cheap handcuffs are often identical cuffs instead of mirror images and have a 3 link chain. I now know to keep an eye out for a quality pair of S&W cuffs, should I be in the market for them. Information as specific as this is available about gags, riding crops and rope, just to name a few.

Of particular note is the Bondage 1A which discusses only rope including qualities, care, and illustrations of knots and the best positions with which to use them to bind a person (genital bondage, anyone?). Although I am not a fan of rope, I found this chapter to be suggestively helpful without being commanding.

The physical chapters finish up with Erotic Torture in which Mr. Wiseman discusses various techniques of teasing and torturing a submissive from sensation play to sex toys to electricity to blades. Again, he reflects his beliefs about taking it slow and safe to minimize risk. The chapter is wrapped up with several masturbation techniques to use on a person.

The chapters following, including Humiliation, D/s Interactions, and SM Relationships focus on the emotional dynamics of BDSM. Jay outlines qualities desired in both players, including the four basic duties of a submissive (To serve needs, to obey orders, to accept domination, to please desires).He touches on the significance of the collar, basic positions for training and punishment. SM Relationships probes beyond the scene, to the lifestyle. The ideas in these chapters are rather traditional and rigid and certainly do reflect power exchange well but while it will work well for some, this information may not be as helpful to others.

The remaining chapters focus on safety and resources, in general. SM Organizations suggests ways to locate and advice for joining BDSM groups but will definitely be more helpful to those who live in areas which already have established communities. Jay does include suggestions for those wanting to start their own as well. A chapter on General Safety Considerations includes BDSM while pregnant and common emergencies during a scene (The 5 Fs: freakouts, falls, fainting, failure, and fire). SM and Safer sex focuses on reducing the risk of spreading STDs but focuses narrowly on AIDs. I suspect that a book written more recently would focus more on issues surrounding HPV (but they are both risks to be well aware of).

There is a chapter which outlines a typical scene between a Domme and male submissive. Following this is a chapter listing suggestions for your BDSM starter set which includes not only BDSM toys but everyday, household items which you can put to good use as well. SM Sayings is essentially a list of commandments about practicing. Related Practices includes activities/fetishes/lifestyles which tend to have overlap with BDSM like Age Play and Polyamory; Wisemen includes contact information for groups which specialize in these activities. Finding Help With Problems provides further resources for issues such as abuse and rape. Jay suggests even further reading in References and Resources, as well as some books which are not recommended.

Finally, the book wraps up with a glossary of terms used and 3 Appendices: Sample Event Rules which is self-explanatory, SM and the Internet and a sobering Monograph on Breath Control Play which, by no means, should be skipped because it is the last section of the book.

As you can see, this book does discuss many aspects of BDSM and in great detail – greater than I would be able to describe without making this review too unruly (although, I would be glad to answer specific questions). Wiseman does so in a no-nonsense manner, repeatedly stressing to take things slow and use safety measures. It’s also a very approachable manner and I chuckled a time or two at the book, like when he describes helping a Domme test eyebolts in a wall with a lacey pink pillow strapped to his head, lest one pop out and hit him (it did). It is a solid book.

But it is not without its flaws. As a critical person, I found the strange font face to be distracting until I become accustomed to it. I would absolutely reprint this book using a more standard font; it looks sloppy as-is. Furthermore, Wiseman includes sometimes-relevant quotes on pages. They are generally thoughts from players which reflect thoughts and attitudes about BDSM, sometimes quotes from the page. They do not always seem to be relevant to the content on the page (sometimes I can see how they’re supposed to relate but they fail to do so) and, quite frankly, sometimes they do not add to the book at all. I have also touched on how some of the advice about interactions and relationships is very traditional and rigid. For this reason, I found the chapters about physical BDSM more helpful but this is mostly due to personal preference.

Still, the most glaring flaw of SM101 is that it is dated. Extremely so. Wiseman lists contact information in several places but it is only ever addresses and phone numbers. Unfortunately, there is no way for the reader to know whether or not this information is up to date or even if these groups and people still exist. And who writes for information anymore, anyway? I have never once. Website URLS would be entirely more useful.

Additionally, he makes many mentions of newsgroups on Usenet and, well, this summer marks a decade I’ve been using the internet and I’ve probably joined less than a dozen newsgroups in that time, none of which I ever stuck around very long. I know it’s difficult to write about the internet as websites come and go and there’s so many it could easily be a book on its own but a mention of strong sites like FetLife, Alt.com or Bondage.com would offer more potential than newsgroups which only serve as a forum for spambots. You can basically skip the second Appendix because, even though it’s probably some of the “newer” information in the book, it’s still decrepit.

I wonder why SM101 is only the second edition when there were only a few short years since the first was published. Following that timeline, it could be on the 4th or 5th printing by now.

In the end, this book is best for uber newbies, folks who have no way to contract BDSM info or those who want to introduce the subject to their lovers. It could certainly be a book to study religiously before or even have open during your first few scenes and the ideas in it will set you up well. It will still be useful for those who have a more experience under the belt and anyone who is looking for a specific piece of information which to page through once more but will not be quite as useful. Despite what I see as a major flaw, I would still absolutely recommend it in yuor collection of sex toys and information.

A realistic introduction, indeed.

14 Comments

Categories: Books, Reviews

lingerie

Prepare to be Well Read

July 11th, 2009

Next week I will be bringing you not one, not two but three book reviews! They will include Best Lesbian Erotica 2009, SM101, and The Good Vibrations Guide To The G-Spot.

Comment

Categories: Everything Else

Smartballs (Black/Magenta)

July 10th, 2009

Smartballs

Smartballs

This is an archived review of a discontinued product. These Pinkcherry Kegel Balls seem quite similar, however.

Smartballs have been reviewed a million times. Probably more. I can’t think of any toy which has been reviewed more. I actually cringe when I read another new review for them so I don’t want to inundate you with what you already know but I still wanted to try them for myself and PinkCherry provided them for me to do so.

In the event that you forgot or haven’t stumbled across one of those reviews, here’s a quick rundown: Elastomed (specially treated, non-porous elastomer), weighted, silicone retrieval cord, 0.3 lb, 4 1/2″ length, 4 1/2″ circumference, “ribbed”, dual-colour (with multiple colours available), vaginal exercisers with flexible connector which can be washed with soap/water or toy wash (but no boiling); made by Fun Factory (with Fun Factory’s standard packaging).

There are a couple things which are remarkable:

  • Smartballs are not round, they are actually oblong.
  • The connector is longer of that in the Luna Beads or K-Balls.
  • The combination of these things means a longer exerciser overall.
  • Different colours seem to offer differing amounts of stimulation via internal ‘vibrations.’
  • Smartballs offer the most stimulation via ‘vibration’ than either the Luna Beads or K-Balls.
  • Smartballs are also the heaviest which I consider no coincidence.
  • The retrieval cord is connected to the end of one ball, which is very points.
  • Silicone lube can be used.

There are also a few things I experienced:

  • Smartballs are more difficult to position than K-Balls. I needed to readjust them to find the right place for them to sit. If they were in a different position, they were uncomfortable, even painful. They also wanted to slip out more. I feel this is all due to the longer connector and oblong shape.
  • The ridges offered no help for insertion. My fingers were nowhere near there; however, insertion wasn’t so hard that I needed the ridges.
  • The ridges made no difference in sensation.
  • The retrieval cord on Smartballs is stiffer and more annoying than the cords on similar vagina balls.
  • Like all vaginal balls, the Smartballs push out tiny air “pockets” (queefs, I guess?) from the vagina. This can be annoying/distracting or may not affect you at all. I always have to get use to it, when I first put them in.
  • Although I could feel the inner vibrations more, they weren’t pleasurable. Furthermore, the shape of the balls didn’t work with my shape as well as the K-Balls. G-spot stimulation was little to none.
  • I was able to experience intense G-spot stimulation with one ball poised at the entrance to my vagina and a strong massager-style vibrator.
  • The pointy end where the cord is, fucking hurt/pinched!
  • Vaginal balls are not good for stationary activities.

My personal preference for kegel balls is not Fun Factory’s Smartballs. They are certainly well made but my specific shape and the oblong balls do not mix very well. I think all of my issues would be solved by making the Smartballs round and while I know every woman is different, I think that one improvement would make them more enjoyable for the majority of women.

It is of significance that Fun Factory has released a sort of Smartballs 2.0 with their Teneo Duo Smartballs. These exercisers do lack the painful, pointy place as the way the retrieval cord is connected has changed. However, they still appear to be oblong.

3 Comments

Categories: Reviews, Sexual Health and Beauty

Make love to your long distance lover online

“Help! I Can’t Orgasm”

July 7th, 2009

I remember a time when I was a girl talking to a boy and I thrived on our sexually charged interactions but, when the time for us to actually have sex loomed on the horizon, I felt as though I needed to clear the air between us. I felt like a liar even though I’d never explicitly said it, I’d given him the impression that I was capable of orgasm and, because I was incapable of having an orgasm, I felt like a failure. It was almost traumatic, telling that boy my deep, dark secret and, even though that boy now teases me as the girl who used to think she would never orgasm, those same fears of failure, disappointment and even the guilt over lying are commonplace among women who are not able to achieve orgasm (yet).

You’re Not Alone

It’s frustrating to feel that way, certainly, but it’s not uncommon. The women who are in that situation vary. One common denominator is that these women often feel their age has something to do with it. Forums and chatrooms and inboxes and talk radio are full of “I’m X years old and I’ve never had an orgasm!” with X ranging from 18 – 80. There’s a certain sense of living life unfulfilled, especially the older they are. The younger women often seem to feel that, because they are apart of a generation which considers sex a given and information is so freely available via the internet, that they must be broken if they have not been able to orgasm.

Either way, women of all ages (and elasticities and locations and sexual orientations, so on and so forth) are no stranger to lack of orgasm. It’s neither a young woman’s problem or an old woman’s problem or a white woman’s problem or a straight woman’s problem. It’s not even a problem that affects only those who do not masturbate or only those who are lacking proper sex education or only those who have selfish partners.

And advice which assumes any of those things tends to come off as too general to be helpful. They tell you “practice makes perfect” so get to masturbating and, that’s true, unless you’re practicing incorrectly. They tell you communication is key and that’s also true, unless you don’t know what to communicate or your partner doesn’t care. They tell you it’s easier with a caring partner but that doesn’t make it easy. They tell you to be comfortable with your own skin but they don’t tell you how. I think you get the picture.

You’re Not a Freak

What they don’t often tell you is that it’s okay not to orgasm. The fact is, that some women and, yes, even some men cannot and will not no matter how much time they spend at it. Of course, it’s hard to believe that when everywhere we turn, we’re told that the goal (maybe even the point of sexuality) is orgasm. That’s what movies tell us when beautiful stars erotically explode – and simultaneously, no less! – on screen. It’s even reflected when sex ends as our male partners orgasm. If their end-game is orgasm, shouldn’t ours be? It’s a belief deeply steeped in tradition.

I’d like to challenge that belief. If you stare to fixedly on that goal, you’ll miss the other pleasures – both physical and emotional – sex has to offer. Does oral sex feel any less good if I don’t orgasm? No. Does orgasm necessarily make intercourse more worth the while? No. Does lack of orgasm detract from emotional intimacy? Again, no. I’d like to stress that sex can still be highly rewarding for all parties despite a lack of orgasm. In fact, many people consistently enjoy having sex without having orgasm, without even thinking that something is lacking from their sex lives.

Because it’s not.

Orgasm is bonus and even though I’ve had my fair share, it’s not something I rely on. Even if I feel frustration, and it’s certainly human, I’ve learned to let it go. Maybe next time, maybe not. Either way it’s okay. And it’s that letting go which is essential. More than one woman has been able to experience orgasm only after she stops trying for it. Orgasms have surprised the unexpecting during long and luxurious sexual sessions with no goal in sight just as they have come upon women who are doing no more than the laundry or reading a book. And a welcome surprise it is but it’s only the cherry on top of the sundae.

Not only is it normal to have difficult achieving orgasm or to not be able to but it’s okay if that doesn’t change. It’s okay if that’s not your goal. It’s okay if it is, too, but you shouldn’t spend so much time working toward it that sex actually becomes a negative, unpleasant experience. It’s okay to be however you are.

Experimentation is Key

Sometimes it’s the case that women who are struggling with orgasm have masturbated and just haven’t gotten much from it. They may not have experimented with different styles or focuses of masturbation, which I have touched on before. The same can be said for sex.

  • If you have previously focused on internal, vaginal stimulation, try clitoral stimulation or even stimulation of other areas of the body like the nipples.
  • If you’re focused on fingers or a penis, try a sex toy.
  • If you’re tried vibration to no luck, try stroking or tapping or twisting.
  • If you normally masturbate lying, try sitting, leaning, squatting, or on all fours.
  • If missionary sex is your repertoire, expand it to include doggie style, girl on top, spooning, or side by side sex.
  • If you only participate in PIV, try oral, manual stimulation, anal or a combination of several.
  • Try stimulating the back wall of the vagina, instead of the front, or the areas around the clitoris instead of the clitoris itself.

But don’t do anything if it’s uncomfortable, stressful or otherwise unpleasurable. Remember to enjoy yourself.

Check Your Head Space

Unfortunately, orgasm is that much more likely to happen if you do experiment so reluctance to engage on sexual activity is not very conducive to achieving your goal. If you have mental hang ups regarding your body, your relationship or your sexuality, you will need to work through them and some of them may even be bigger than you alone can handle.

I highly recommend talking to your partner about the feelings and thoughts you have; our partners can be our greatest resources (especially when it comes to feeling good about ourselves) when it comes to sexual frustration and often desire no more than to make us happy but don’t always know how. On the other hand, if you are unwilling or unable to talk with your partner (or they are), then your inability to orgasm could easily be linked to unhappiness stemming from your relationship. Especially for women, happiness inside the bedroom starts outside of it.

Sometimes simply discussion with family or friends can relieve what has plagued us for years. Connecting with others who share your concerns may be key to unlocking the issue and you may be able to find a support group either locally or online – like these on WebMD. Just browsing the internet or reading a magazine which is sex positive can help you realize that sexuality and exploration are both normal and healthy, and by association, so is exploration of those facets of your life.

Whatever your issue, a self help book, which enables you to delve deeper into the root of the problem instead of simply the symptom (inability to orgasm), may do the trick; they can be especially helpful with tips to help improve self image. However, sometimes problems are so large that we need to seek outside, professional help. Although taking that step can be frightening and finding a professional who is right for you can be frustrating in itself, and involve its own trial and error, it can open to doors to being a more fulfilling satisfaction in your sex life and other areas.

Of course, in today’s world where information is freely available online, many of these resources from books to support groups to professionals can be had from the comfort of ones own home (and without the apprehension one may feel at reaching out). You might try Googling “Sex Positive Professional in [Your Location]”, “sexuality support groups”, “improving self image” or “communication about sex with your partner” for starters. There are absolutely no limits to finding information just as there should be no limits when it comes to expressing your sexuality in a healthy and pleasurable manner, whether or not orgasm is included.

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