Why So Serious? On Laughter and Sex

January 30th, 2017

Today’s post was inspired by this tweet from Girly_Juice.

It sounds like she’ll be talking about it in the upcoming episode of Dildorks, but I wanted to give you my own take on it. Plus, dear readers, it’s been a hell of a long time since I wrote anything, let alone anything about my personal sex life. So, down the rabbit hole we go.

I’ve had a lot of serious sex. My first sexual partner and ex-husband was pretty serious about it. We didn’t laugh during sex, even though we smiled and we loving. Laughter, it seemed, wasn’t something that *belonged* in sex. Sex was Serious Stuff (TM), and there was no room for laughter.

I felt that if we laughed, it took away from the moment. It meant we weren’t taking it seriously enough. As a result, any laughter was accidental and often uncomfortable. That’s a pretty association to have with something so awesome, don’t you think?

But it was all I knew.

It wasn’t the worst sex of my life by far. We were in love, after all. But it was limiting, and I couldn’t come to understand that until I had a few more notches on my bedpost. Although many men near my age seem to subscribe to that sort of serious sex-having, some don’t. The Bartender is a notable example. While I originally found him to be overly chatty, I eventually fell in line.

We talked and, yes, we laughed. Without all the limitations created by such serious sex, I found myself being more myself inside the bedroom. It helped me to de-compartmentalize, and it was a welcome change!

Apparently, the change became permanent. Even though it’s been years since I’ve slept with The Bartender, my last partner remarked how much I chatted. It was obvious that being chatty and even laughing at something he did that was funny took him directly out of his headspace. He couldn’t be interrupted in any way.

Neither of us left satisfied, I’m afraid. I’m not one to judge, but if you’re unable to have sex with someone who is talking to and laughing with you during sex, then you’re limiting yourself — just like I was limited with my ex.

And the realization dawned on me that this just wasn’t good for me. It left me feeling disconnected. So not only was I left out in the cold physically, but there wasn’t any sort of human connection, and I was stuck inside my head. That’s something I’ve battled with for years, and it’s not a place I like to be when I can help it.

Perhaps this beautiful and seemingly inexperienced man was just a bad match for me. But I bet a lot of people would enjoy themselves a hell of a lot more if they simply allowed themselves to be themselves during sex, chattiness and laughter included.

Sometimes you kick someone in the dick, you fart or positions just don’t work. Being able to laugh at those moments and with one another seems to be not just something that is desirable but might be necessary to enjoy sex without complete mortification.

I guess, what I’m saying is, I crossed that bridge laughing the whole way. And now I won’t go back.

Comment

Categories: The Bartender

The Best and Worst Sex Toys of 2016

January 4th, 2017

As it turns out, it doesn’t take much to list your most-loved and most-hated sex toys in a year when you only review a handful. I hadn’t realized how many items I hadn’t reviewed until just now. To be fair, there are a few things in my queue that I could review, should have done so long ago, but most of these don’t inspire loving sonnets or wrathful rants.

And I wrote more erotica and personal blog posts than I have in some time. But reviews were few and far between.

So let’s talk about what I loved.

The Best Sex Toys and Books of 2016

BDSM: A Guide for Explorers of Extreme Eroticism
Ayzad’s BDSM: A Guide for Explorers of Extreme Eroticism is pretty much an encyclopedia BDSMica. Whether you want to complete your collection, find specific measurements for health and safety when you’re playing or are just curious, I recommend this book.However, it’s a weighty tome that will take some commitment to finish in full. Fortunately, you don’t need to read the whole thing if you’re really only interested in, say, needles.
She’s on Top
This is one book that took me a while to page through, but once I did I was hooked. As the name suggests, this collected erotic works between the covers deal with female domination and male submission. If that sounds up your alley, add She’s on Top to your bookshelf.

The Worst Sex Toys of 2016

Layaspot, Desire clitoral vibe and Siri 2

Lovehoney’s Desire didn’t measure up to other clitoral vibes

Lovehoney Desire Clitoral Vibrator
The next item on this list is another clitoral vibrator that just didn’t do it for me. Although Lovehoney pulled out all the stops when it came to product and packaging design, the Desire clitoral vibrator still fell short.And it’s almost entirely because of the lackluster vibrations. I wanted to love it, but lusting over a sex toy ultimately doesn’t lead to satisfaction. (The same is true for people, as I learned this year.)
Ooh by Je Joue Pebble Attachment
Okay, so I didn’t actually review this. And there’s a reason. After enjoying the What Happens in Vegas Kit, I shelled out my own money to by the clitoral attachment. I almost never do that.So you can imagine my disappointment when it just didn’t work for me. My increasingly-arthritic fingers just couldn’t grasp the toy without discomfort in short time. Despite the enjoyable vibrations in the small motor, the attachment shape didn’t allow for the pressure that I usually enjoy.

Ah, well, lesson learned.

Minna kGoal
Let me sum up my experience in short. I guess do not have the typical anatomy of women, because inserting and removing of this kegel exerciser was fucking hell. Seriously.Then, there were problems with Bluetooth and accounts. I was only ever able to use it successfully a few times, and I quickly became sick of having to wipe all that lube off my hands.

The folks at Minna were helpful, but it was simply too much trouble to try and try again. The feedback provided by kGoal is useful and the concept worthy, but this product was not ready for release.

Let’s hope Minna does better with their upcoming make kegel exerciser.

I know this post is a bit late, but I certainly hope you find it useful. Just going through my archives showed how few sex toy reviews I’d written in the past year, so I have already taken steps to rectify that by reaching out to companies who might be in need of reviews.

2017 will have more things to choose from and, hopefully, more sex toys that I actually like!

Comment

Categories: Reviews

lingerie

Minna’s kGoal Kegel Exerciser and Its 4 Fatal Flaws

January 3rd, 2017

kGoal
$149 from Minna Life

You’re not going to find many negative reviews of Minna’s kGoal, and I think that’s because it works for most people. But it didn’t work for me. Not technologically. Not shapewise. Not at all, and I think it’s important for people who have similar bodies and preferences as me to know what they’re getting into. Because what they want is a smart toy that helps them exercise their PC muscles, not an exercise in frustration.

By now, you all know that kGoals uses Bluetooth to connect to your device. It contains sensors that measure the strength, and the app (for Android and iOS) includes “games” to help you get your reps in without boring to death.

But there are a few problems with kGoals.

1. Bluetooth

Any wireless technology struggles with physical barriers. It’s why pretty much any remote-controlled vibrator is terrible, why WiFi signals decreases the further you are from the router and why cell reception is so difficult to find in rural areas.

Your body is a pretty big physical impediment to wrap directly around a Bluetooth-enabled device, and I quickly found this out with the kGoal. It works best when you connect before insertion, which makes sense. But sometimes even that wouldn’t work. And while some of my devices would connect, not all of them would.

Once it was connected — and I only had it connected successfully during insertion twice tops — the connection is prone to drop because of these same issues. Of course, you’ll need to drop your phone, remove the toy, clean lube from your fingers, reconnect the device, reinsert it and get back into position. It’s a fucking hassle.

2. Random Account Issues

I cannot explain how awesome Minna was at answering my questions. When I attempted to use kGoal with my new phone — because my mmold one doesn’t turn on —  I couldn’t even sign in. There was some account error, and they told me to sign up again.

Of course, this would lose any information I had from my previous account, meager as it were. If this problem persists, then it could wipe out a lot of user data between devices.

Also, I’m pretty sure I’m still waiting on an email and can’t even log in soooo =/

3. Shape and Size

Listen, I know that my pubic bone doesn’t run exactly the same as other women. It’s why I don’t need very much of a curve for G-spot stimulation and why the Pure Wand totally didn’t work for me. It’s also why most kegel balls are too damn large and feel pinchy.

Now, you also need to understand the design of the kGoal to understand why it also won’t work for my anatomy. The kGoal looks like a dual stimulator, and the arms are quite flexible from one another with the external part being rather flat.

The insertable portion is coated in essentially a balloon of silicone that expands with air and compresses with force (of your vagina or hand). It feels more similar to the Minna Ola than the Limon.

https://twitter.com/adriana_r/status/816236453214699521

There’s a very narrow shaft in this, but the head is rounded and very firm beneath the silicone. It is also huge. I mean, it shouldn’t be. I’ve taken larger cocks and toys, but they weren’t rigid.

Minna’s kGoal always hurts going in and it gets stuck behind my pubic bone when I want the damned thing out. I know that Minna tried that damnedest to work with the actual human body, but we’re not all identical.

Unfortunately, I think you’re not going to know whether this works for you until you try it but if you have a similarly pronounced pubic bone as I do, I might advise against the financial and physical risk you’re taking with kGoal.

4. Vibration

I don’t know. They say it’s supposed to be pleasurable. Maybe the pitiful vibration would be better for someone who didn’t feel like the crotch was in a Chinese finger trap/lobster claw/C clamp (choose your metaphor).

You can use the thing for pleasure or for exercise without the app, but it really takes away from the innovation and usefulness if you’re just relying on the vibration.

So once you get it inserted, if you can get comforted and connected, you open up the app and play some games. There are two simple games that requires squeezing to accomplish tasks. “Game” might even be giving them more credit than they deserve. Activities? Regardless, it’s harder than you might think, and it’s great for giving you feedback about how you use your PC muscles.

You set goals for how often you want to work out, and the app will remind you. These are all pretty good features.

But the problem with kGoal is there are so many damn “ifs” to get to that point, and it’s difficult to pinpoint how to minimize them. I cannot in good conscience recommend a toy this costly with so many risks.

Does kGoal sound like something you’d like? Are you okay with a really innovative and costly paperweight? If so, buy it. If not, buy anything else.

4 Comments

Categories: Reviews, Sexual Health and Beauty, Vibrators

Learn Something New About Sex Toys Today

December 22nd, 2016

It’s no mystery that sex toys are something I love, and that’s a love that I try to share with others, both through this blog and in my offline life. Sex toys have enabled me to climax easier, squirt, have fun with partners and discover new erogenous zones, among other benefits. Sex toys = good.

When you’re as experienced with sex toys as a reviewer like myself can be, you can forget that once sex toys were new. This meant the entire concept was novel and exciting. And to some people, the entire thing is intimidating or confusing.

I’m not the only person to write guides to choosing sex toys, navigating materials and playing safely. In fact, I may not even have done the best job at those tasks. Many retailers off in-depth guides that make it easier to search for toys, whether you’re searching for yourself or for someone on your list. The result? Better-informed shoppers who will stand the best chance at liking their orders and shopping again, duh.

Lyps Complete Toy Guide, for example, not only points you in the direction of the best toys for your body and your relationship; the site also discusses sex toy materials, safety and cleaning.

In twelve chapters, the guide walks buyers through everything technical and personal they’ll need to know about buying and using sex toys, including general masturbation tips. You’ll find charts and statistics about everything sex toy related. Not too shabby if you’re set on learning everything – and why wouldn’t you be? If you just need to brush on something that you’ve forgotten, such as lube compatibility, then this guide has you covered, too.

 

One of the things about the Lyps guide that I really like is that they recommend other online retailers because it’s more important for the guide to be useful than it is for it to be exclusive, and that’s a rare thing to find these days. Communication and cooperation between retailers, manufacturers and bloggers, of course, is the only way to spread information — and accurate information at that.

It’s all too easy to think you know it all or forget the little details or basic information that comes easily to a veteran blogger but might be crucial to a toy newbie who hasn’t found their stride, so part of providing useful information is listening to what others have to say and responding in kind.

Anyway, if you haven’t yet, check out the Lyps sex toy guide as well as the articles on Of Sex and Love. Got a question or thought? Sound off in the comments. I’d love to teach you something new or, better yet, learn something new myself!

Comment

Categories: Articles

lingerie

No. 17 Bendable Twist Waterproof Silicone Vibrator by Black Door

November 4th, 2016

No. 17 Bendable Twist Waterproof Silicone Vibrator by Black Door
N/A from

This is an archived review of a discontinued product.

I wish there was a sufficiently succinct way to describe toys-that-I-won’t-call-worthless-because-they-work-for-clitoral-stimulation-but-I-intended-to-use-them-internally. I mean, that’s pretty long-winded.

Long, too, is the list of toys that fit this. Their shape or vibrations just don’t do it for my G-spot, but the shape generally works well enough to provide me with a clitoral orgasm. I tend to be lenient about these things because shape is so important for me clitorally.

However, a toy that doesn’t do what it’s intended to isn’t worth much, and that alone should prevent me from recommending a toy. If a sex toy provides its expected function in addition to being versatile, that’s worth commending.

So why am I so often looking for ways to give positives to toys that otherwise don’t meet expectations? Perhaps I am looking for a way to say “At least I didn’t waste my time (or money).”

Let me waste no more of your time ranting about disappointing toys in general. Let’s talk about one toy that’s disappointing yet strangely intriguing — No. 17 Bendable Twist Waterproof Silicone Vibrator by Black Door.

So, this new line by Black Door consists of velvety soft silicone. I enjoy the texture of the No 17, which is part of the reason the slightly curved head works so well clitorally. It is reminiscent of the heads on several Fun Factory toys, including Patchy Paul.

But the real selling point of this vibrator is that it bends. This isn’t the first toy to bend. JeJoue’s G Ki comes to mind. This toy was supposed to help you get perfect G-spot stimulation by allowing you to customize the angle of the bend

No. 17 Bendable Twist Vibrator has a flexible core that doesn’t rely on specific “joints.” It feels more like posable dolls limbs, which I hope won’t freak you out. The intended result, as far as I can tell, was to be able to create a custom shape for your body.

Herein lies the problem. This flexibility means you can ben it any which way (well, within reason), but it also means it doesn’t stay in place. For example, using it for clitoral stimulation tend to make it bend backward. I think rigorous thrusting internally could do the same; although, I didn’t do much thrusting with the No. 17 Bendable Twist Waterproof Silicone Vibrator by Black Door.

I found myself try to bend it once inserted to get dual stimulation, but couldn’t achieve an S-shape to get proper clitoral stimulation. I found that it hurt to bend while inserted, so I would try to bend it partially with my hands before insertion, then finish the job once it was inserted.

While the No. 17 Bendable Twist Waterproof Silicone Vibrator by Black Door was bent into a C/U shape, I was able to squirt by using a sort of rocking motion. I’m sure the toolbox-like texture (like this) helped, but it wasn’t a fantastic sensation. The vibrations are just so weak, you almost can’t tell if they’re buzzy or deep. It’s.. odd. This is because the toy runs on 2AAAs. It’s 2016 guys, get with the program!

It’s 2016 guys, get with the program! There are rechargeable vibrators that are worth the price for for well under $100 (Cuddle comes to mind), and even a few just slightly more expensive than this one that are rechargeable with stronger motors.

This brings me to my next gripe. I actually two of these vibrators because it took me several weeks to get one to work. As it turns out, the No. 17 Bendable Twist Waterproof Silicone Vibrator by Black Door doesn’t like rechargeable batteries. I’m not sure if this is the case with the entire line, but it’s worth noting if you suspect your toy is defective. Try regular batteries instead.

This might not be a deal-breaker for a vibrator that I loved, but I don’t. It is frustrating if you rely on rechargeable batteries and don’t tend to keep regular AAAs around. To be honest, it kind of seems unacceptable in this day and age. I’m not sure what’s happening technologically-speaking that would make the difference, but it’s not cool.

Even worse, I tried to contact the company to get some heads up, and no one replied. That’s pretty shitty. Fortunately, the folks at SheVibe were on the ball. Anyway..

The controls seem remarkably dated as well. There’s a single button in the handle, which is triangular and actually preferable to some other looped handles I’ve used in the past (I’m talking about you Alia and Big Boss). You can cycle through the settings or hold it to turn off the toy, but there’s nothing “smart” about this vibrator.

I guess that leaves me scratching my head or, more likely, posting flummoxed tweets. The toy tries to do something new but doesn’t have a solid foundation to back it up. Not everyone would love a bendable vibe, and some people would prefer bending toys like the G-ki versus the No. 17, but there are people who would be intrigued by this concept. And I really think they should be offered something better than this.

3 Comments

Categories: Reviews, Vibrators

I Get Paid to Write About Sex

November 3rd, 2016

..and it has nothing to do with this blog.

Which isn’t to say that I haven’t made money from this blog. But I am not so awesome (like Epiphora!) to have made it my job.

I do get paid to write about sex, though, even if I’m not directly paid to write about sex toys. And I like it that way.

Mostly, I do ghost-writing. Although, I do get a byline here and there. I typically write blog posts for sex toy stores and communities, including the Bad Girl’s Bible, Romantix and Cirillas, among others. I get to tell people how to choose sex toys, how to talk about sex, what it means to slut-shame, and which lubes are best for which sexual activities. All in all, it’s a charmed life.

And yet, it wasn’t at all what I set out to do. In the beginning of my freelance writing career, I wrote often about technology-related topics: cell phones and iPods, routers, and browser settings. Several years ago, I began writing almost exclusively about search engine optimization (SEO). There were many things happening in the world of SEO, which meant there was much to write about.

All of these topics interested me as most things do – at least for a while. Writing about sex, relationships and toys fell right in line. It has given me an opportunity to write things that I truly believe have helped readers (and I’ve seen feedback from readers that validates this). Like I said, a charmed life.

Sure, it sometimes feels monotonous or redundant. There are topics that I find frivolous or shallow, but not everyone has read (let alone written) a blog like mine for 8 years. Some people are just discovered their sexual side, and my words may help make it easier or more fun. Who knows? And everyone once in a while, I learn something new to me as well.

So, yes, I get paid to write about sex. And, yes, you can hire me.

Comment

Categories: Everything Else

A Toy a Day #4: Miracle Massager

November 2nd, 2016

The Miracle Massager was the fist wand massager that I ever tried, and it remains the one that I use most consistently. That is, to say,  I reach for it when I want to get off quickly with external pressure and without needing to strip down or lube up. It’s not that often; although, I’ve used it a few times this summer/fall.

When I first got the Miracle Massager, I appreciated its strength and rumblier vibrations. I liked the flat-ish head, which has a rounded edge that I press against my vulva for stimulation that’s more pinpointed and offers more pressure. However, the PVC material is porous and has since become discolored.

The Miracle Massager is not as powerful as the Hitachi, which I have since swapped away, and I actually prefer it that way. The Hitachi is just overwhelming while the Miracle Massager provides noticeably more power than anything that runs on batteries.  In fact, there are still days when my clitoris is too sensitive or I would need ample warming up for the Miracle Massager to not feel uncomfortable. But when my body is into it, it provides quick and easy orgasms — and usually multiples. I’ve had some fairly lengthy sessions with this vibrator.

The shape of the head of the Miracle Massager is important, too. The Hitachi and other toys are simply too round, and they lack the springy neck that allows me to push the handle away from my body to grind the head harder against it.

If the Miracle Massager could be quieter and smaller but offer all these same perks, I might never leave my home.

Comment

Categories: A Toy A Day

Image © MisterUnlucky; used with permission.