What Do Women Want?: Adventures in the Science of Female Desire

January 4th, 2023

What Do Women Want?: Adventures in the Science of Female Desire
$15.99 from Bookshop.org

 

Although I meant to sit down to write this review months ago, I’ve actually done it in far less time than it took to actually read this book since placing it on my to-read list (which badly needs and update). In fact, that delay contributes largely to my review as you’ll see when you keep reading…

The field of sex research is an interesting one. Because it was for so long viewed as inappropriate or unimportant, it has lagged behind other fields. This simultaneously means that we missed out on opportunities to learn about sexuality, and now that sex research is well underway, it’s happening at a rapid-fire pace. The downside of this frenzy of activity is that research or publications about research can quickly become dated, even painfully so. This doesn’t bode with for Daniel Bergner’s book What Do Women Want?

Published in 2013, this book isn’t quite a decade old. Yet, I was shocked at how unfamiliar I was with some of the researchers Bergner interviewed or cited aside from Lori Brotto. Some of the names I know indirectly because they’ve been cited by researchers with whom I am familiar. As I read this book, it almost seemed to focus on a different generation of researchers–and thus their research–than the articles, books, and podcasts I’ve consumed about sexuality over the last decade. Without more recent research, What Do Women Want? seems lacking.

Although I hesitate to say it, I think a project of this nature might have been overly ambitious, given the state of research in 2013. Of course, hindsight is 20/20, but Bergner’s book just doesn’t stand on its own two feet. Because the author’s ultimate point is that, yet, women do want to have sex and not necessarily in relationships. Yet that hardly seems groundbreaking or all that helpful, at least in 2022 2023.

After finishing the book, I was left wondering, “So what?” What are readers supposed to do with this argument, even if it’s the first time they’ve considered it (and I concede that this book might have been more revelatory when it was first published). There’s no thoughtful analysis about why we’ve come to a place where we believe women aren’t interested in sex, or women may not feel comfortable expressing that interest, let alone suggestions about what to do with this information. If women want to have sex, how do we get them there? Of course,  the answers to these questions are inextricably related.

Rest assured that plenty of researchers and sex educators, often women, have discussed both the causes and potential solutions. They’re written ad nauseam about how society slut-shames women, how sex education has failed us, and how we prioritize men’s pleasure over women’s to such an extent that we view women’s sexuality as lesser than men’s to the extent that we have pathologized it and normalized misogyny and rape culture.

And, you guessed it, all those things contribute to women’s inability to speak up about their desires and get what they want. Advocating for our sexuality can seem a losing battle when the sex we wind up having, the very sex that’s accepted as “normal,” is so subpar that we’d rather do literally anything else.

Of course, understanding these causes directly suggests what we need to do to improve the situation and both Emily Nagoski and Lori Brotto have written useful and timeless books that touch on ways women can improve their sex lives–from desire to orgasm. I’m talking about Come As You Are and Better Sex Through Mindfulness, respectively. Even Peggy Kleinpart’z Magnificent Sex, which is written less for the lay reader, offers more actionable advice.

But Bergner doesn’t touch on any of this. He only cherry-picks data that indicates women want more sex than they’re having or are willing to admit. While I think that’s ultimately true, it doesn’t make for a riveting book in the 2020s. It feels like I picked up a dusty relic, and I wouldn’t be surprised if it became forgotten as so many books do.

Perhaps that’s to be expected. Bergner, as both an author and journalist, doesn’t focus on sexuality–or even health. His choice of research and argument might reflect a base unfamiliarity with the topic, and this might still be true for many readers, even in 2023.

Emily Nagoski once replied to me on Twitter, saying that she and Bergner used much of the same research but came to different conclusions. I am not sure that’s entirely accurate. The two authors stopped their research at different points, which is why Bergner’s conclusion in this book is where the conversation should really begin, not end. It’s why this book didn’t knock my socks off and likely would be frustrating for anyone who wants to better understand their sexuality or that of their women partners.

Fortunately, other books have done both of those things, and there are many more options since this one hit the shelves. That leaves What Do Women Want? for those who are more interested in research that affirms women’s desire or learning about how sex research has changed through the ages, and an actual textbook (Justin Lehmiller’s Psychology of Human Sexuality comes to mind) inevitably does it better.

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Categories: Books, Reviews

Thoughts from My First Sexual Health Alliance Conference

December 1st, 2022

Two weekends months ago at this time, I was signed onto Zoom with around 50 other people for the Sexual Health Alliance’s Wyld conference, a weekend of presentations by alumni geared toward professionals in the sexuality field. The topics of those discussions covered a wide range: female pleasure, affirmative consensual, mindfulness, navigating sexual conflict, bondage, identity, serving Black women clients, and more. The participants consisted of SHA interns like myself and professionals who wanted to expand their knowledge, some of whom were working toward official certification as sex therapists, coaches, or educators.

This conference left a big mark on me, the least of which is the fact that spending 16 hours on Zoom over a two-day period is draining. However, most of that impact was positive and something I’ve wanted to blog about, although the fact that it’s taken me this long might suggest otherwise.

To start, attending a conference with a focus on sexuality is huge. So few places exist where you can freely discuss sex, and to be surrounded by people who recognize its importance and the disservice done to people who live in a society that does all in its power to sweep sex under the rug is incredibly liberating. Even among friends and family, discussions of sex can still feel taboo. SHA has given me opportunities to discuss something close to my heart, which helped me realize how much I had been needing that.

It was also validating to be in that virtual room. I’ve spent so much time feeling like an imposter, ultimately returning to school to combat that feeling. But during this conference, I felt like I belonged. More than that, I could tell that I was more familiar with so many of the conference topics than some participants. As one speaker discussed sexual pleasure, I recognized several areas where I would have done something different based on my knowledge. Talk about a boost to my confidence! Judging from others’ responses, I know that many found the information about preferences or experiences to be validating in a different way. It just goes to show how important sex education is!

Of course, you won’t be surprised to learn that I also found the conference intellectually stimulating. I wasn’t enthralled by every panel or speaker, but I found myself thinking–and talking–about many of the topics for days or even weeks after the conference. I used the ideas as basis for further research as well as blog posts for clients and social media content for my internship. I was especially taken by the idea of the nervous system’s role in communication, something that was  introduced in a panel about the Gottman method for couples’ therapy. In fact, I am typing this with a brand-new fitness tracker on my wrist, having taking the plunge after using heartrate is to measure someone’s emotional dyregulation was discussed in another, more recent SHA confence. I know that’s something I personally struggle with, and I can imagine that others on the Zoom call similarly found some of the information useful on a personal level.

Speaking of others, there was a sense of community and connection for which I don’t have a singular “-ating” adjective to use. I’ve finally given LinkedIn a serious look and have been growing my network. Some of my new connections are people who have presented at or attended Sexual Health Alliance conferences, so they’re a good opportunity to find others in this field and potential opportunities, projects, or collaborations to further our own work.

I could really go on. For example, SHA provides lunch and learn activities, usually podcasts. It’s amazing to think that some of the podcasts I listen to for leisure learning are considered important enough to be involved in these events (although, I don’t get CEs when listening to podcasts, ha!). In fact, I’d already listened to one that was provided! Again, this goes back to feeling validating about the work I’ve done and knowledge I’ve gained in this field. I could also talk about how a mindfulness technique had me in tears almost instantaneously, and what that meant to me (perhaps I will in another post if anyone is interested!)

I’m sure there are a few things I’m missing simply because it took me this long to sit down and write this post, which is on me. Still, I think I’ve hit on the highest points.

I’ve already attended my second conference with SHA and signed up for the next. Aside from racking up knowledge, I’m earning CEs that I will eventually apply for AASECT certification. Even if I weren’t, they knowledge and community would still be beneficial. So if you’re curious about a conference, whether hosted by Sexual Health Alliance or another organization, I cannot recommend it enough, even if you feel like you don’t belong–perhaps becase you feel this way. SHA specifically offers two scholarships for BIPOC participants to every conference, which can help if the pricetag is high for you (and BIPOC scholarships for its certification programs, which include three conferences), so attending might be more accessible than you think.

Maybe I’ll see you at a conference in the future!

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Categories: Everything Else

Make love to your long distance lover online

Build Your Own Sex Room

September 10th, 2022

If you follow me on Twitter or Facebook, you may have seen me mention How to Build a Sex Room, a recent reality TV from Netflix that isn’t terrible. It features designer Melanie Rose, who transforms a room or area of her client’s homes/property into “sex rooms.” It’s fun, silly, sex-positive, and inclusive (there are queer, kinky, and poly clients) show that I binged in one sitting. It’s sexy plus the allure of renovation TV. While Melanie introduces sex toys and BDSM gear to her clients, the audience also gets a chance to learn about devices they may not be familiar with, and there are discussions of intimacy and consent along the way.

As someone who does know a fair bit about sex and BDSM goodies, I recognized some of the specific pieces on the show immediately. If I had taken a shot every time I recognized something, I’d still be drunk several days later. Ha! While I couldn’t recognize every possible piece, all of them fell into categories that I was familiar with, so I feel comfortable making recommendations to anyone interested in the goodies they saw on screen, even if the camera/Mel didn’t focus on or specifically mention the item. 

I won’t name every item, so if there’s something you’d interested in that I don’t talk about, please leave a comment or hit me up on Twitter. I’ll be happy to set you off in the right direction and may even update this post based on your curiosity!

Where to Shop for Your Sex Room

The short answer? Everywhere!

Melanie mentions custom-making sex furniture for her clients. We also see her stopping by the local sex toy and hardware store for goodies, and I’ve purchased kinky accessories from hardware departments in the past. Many kinksters have gotten similarly creative, and I love how Netflix showed this aspect of Mel’s shopping. The viewer can also see that Mel hit up many furniture and home goods stores/makers, and while I won’t focus on those products in this post, the decor elements were just as important for creating sensual spaces for the couples and clients featured on the show.

Of course, you can buy many products from a single retailer if you prefer the convenience and aren’t trying to duplicate the rooms designed by Mel or create a fully customized room for yourself. If that sounds more up your alley, I’d like to recommend Stockroom as your one-stop shop. You’ll find versions of the sex toys and BDSM gear on their site, including some of the harder-to-find kink pieces and furniture. Keep in mind that some of the specialty goodies will cost thousands of dollars. 

I also cannot recommend some of the makers on Etsy for goods such as floggers, crops, paddles, and blindfolds made from leather or suede. You’ll also find rope dyed all sorts of gorgeous colors there. No affiliate links because those commissions cut into the artists’ profits. But if you want to customize your gear or buy matching sets, I definitely recommend supporting artists like these and will include some links to specific products in this post.

Items Commonly Featured in ‘How to Build a Sex Room’

Melanie incorporates several items into multiple rooms on the show, and for good reason. Instead of making you scroll through this entire post to find those goodies. I will mention them right away. How kind of me!

Sex Chaise

how to build a sex room hannah and wesley

Hannah and Wesley with the tantric chaise

One item that came up multiple times was the sex chaise/lounge. Not everyone has room in their home or budget for such a piece, but the show did a great job depicting its various uses. While I never caught which brand made the chaise for the show, the Liberator Esse immediately came to mind. The piece comes in 11 different colors and thanks to the curvy shape, you can comfortably enjoy penetrative sex in any orifice.

Melanie focused on woman-on-top positions in the show, but you could easily lie back against the lower end of the chair so your partner can penetrate you while standing (or kneeling) or kneel to perform oral sex. Liberator includes the Scoop and Headrest pillows with the Essa, giving you even more options. If you find the height isn’t quite right, you can boost it with the Flip Stage.

Cleanup is also a breeze because you can remove the cover to wash it. I’d also like to feature the Black Label Esse, which includes bondage connection points for cuffs. It’s the same design, just with an upgraded cover, so you could buy an Esse and the conversion kit if you want the bondage connections and the more discreet cover. Liberator also sells cuffs that are compatible with the side-release buckle (similar to work belts or some pet collars), but you may be able to purchase cuffs from other companies if they use connectors of the same size.

St. Andrew’s Cross

how to build a sex room

Mel gifted multiple clients with a St. Andrew’s Cross for endless bondage possibilities

As Melanie explains to her clients, Saint Andrew was crucified on an X-shape cross, and this shape works incredibly well for bondage. You can truss someone up, either facing you or away. This makes it the perfect frame for impact play (flogging, paddling, caning, etc.). I also recommend trying it with a blindfold or gag.

You could build your own St. Andrew’s Cross if you’re handy. You need the base (unless you secure it directly to studs in your wall or your bedframe as some people do), beams to create the X shape, and screw eyes to make connections for the wrists and ankles. Sand and treat it to prevent splinters (kink is about wanted pain, after all!), and you’re set. Dungeon Delights sells a hardware kit, so you only need to source the wood. You could add paint and padding to make it more chic and comfy, but that’s not necessary.

Keep in mind that most designs are angled slightly backward, which allows the bound person to rest on them more comfortably. Generally, the person keeps themselves upright, not the furniture.

For the rest of us, Stockroom sells this one. I like the connectors at different heights. It allows you to tie up your partner as their waist or thighs (thigh cuffs, anyone?), and you could easily connect rope bondage to the frame. As someone who’s short, I also appreciate the mid-height connectors on the top half of the cross.

For something a bit more affordable and for fans of wood over metal, Etsy has plenty of gorgeous and creative options, some of which you can customize. A few highlights:

Pure Plug

The stainless steel butt plug Mel showed several clients is one of the Pure Plugs by nJoy. Folks universally love these gleaming toys for your bootie. You can purchase them in small, medium, and large, depending on your preferences. You can also buy the updated Pure Plug 2.0.

As several people mentioned, a stainless steel plug is quite heavy. Glass and silicone will be lighter and cheaper.

Bondage Rope

how to build a sex room

Mel left her clients plenty of rope

There were very few rooms where Melanie didn’t leave a skein of rope, often in multiple colors. Companies such as Agreeable Agony and Twisted Monk make rope specifically for BDSM, offering limited-time colors and sets like AA’s Pride collection. Many sex toy companies have gotten in on the rope game, although they don’t offer the wide array of colors.

However, if you want to save some money, practice tying on cheaper rope, or simply don’t care what your rope looks like, your local hardware store has you covered. In fact, hardware rope will often advertise its load rating, so you have an idea of its strength.

I won’t go into the details of rope too much, but most rope is either 6MM (1/4″) or 8MM (5/16″). Generally, wider rope is more comfortable because it’s spread out across a larger area. BDSM rope is often sold in 30-foot coils and frequently cut into 10-foot and 15-foot lengths for smaller ties. If you plan to do any harnesses on plus-size folks, I recommended increasing the length of your rope, but you can also tie together multiple lengths of rope.

Rope comes in natural (cotton, hemp, linen, jute, sisal. silk, bamboo) and synthetic (nylon. MFP. polypropylene, polyester) materials. While natural fibers are often weaker and have more give, making them less ideal for suspension, they usually have better grip. Cotton and linen are easily washed. Synthetic rope requires little care and its strength and durability are preferable for suspension. However, you have to be careful about it slipping or rope burn.

Impact Play

Mel eagerly shows most of her clients a flogger and riding crop. While the flogger appears fairly standard with a wrapped handle like this one. I’ll mention some of the specific floggers in the appropriate sections. But if you’re not looking for anything in particular, you’ll easily find plenty of leather (real and faux/vegan), silicone, suede, and rubber floggers, not to mention some more unique materials.

The crop might be the discontinued diamond handle crop by Sportsheets. Although I couldn’t find anything similar, I love the look of this cosmic crop if you want form and function. You might also consider this two-in-one heart crop and flogger.

Bondage Pillows

I love the harness pillows Melanie used for her kinkier clients. The aesthetic is just -chefs kiss-. I wasn’t sure if they were purely decorative or if she simply used the pillows to store actually harnesses. You could DIY the pillows if you want them for decor only, and Soft Bound Co on Etsy sells some harnessed pillows in different styles.

If you wanted to use actual bondage gear with a pillow that you could remove to use, I’d suggest starting with a leather hog tie and using chains, straps, or even another hog tie for the back of the pillow. Stockroom carries multiple color options. Not down with animal products? No problem! This vondage hog tie is made from vegan leather!

Decor pillows are often 16×16 inches, and you can easily find an insert and covers to switch up their appearance and fit the vibe of your room.

Items Featured in How to Build a Sex Room

Below you’ll find some of the items Melanie added to each person, couple, or group’s sex room. I’ve organized it by couple to make it easy to find specific products. Each section will contain some products explicitly highlighted by Melanie and some goodies that I caught but may not have been mentioned or featured for more than a second.

Taylor and Ayjay

How to build a sex room taylor and ayjay

Taylor and Ayjay enjoyed a spanking bench and St. Andrew’s Cross

The first couple on the show was interested in exploring kink, especially impact play. Mel showed she wasn’t shy about BDSM right out the door, and the crew had a fun time getting all the gear and supplies into a basement with no door access. 

Shaped a bit like a miniature picnic table, this spanking bench is similar to the one Mel picks in the show with a few additional bondage points and hooks to hang your tools.

I noticed a black and pink flogger with checkered handle in the finished room that I couldn’t help but drool over.

Another piece in the finished room was a gorgeous leather and chain harness.

Although she calls it a paddle, impact toys with multiple layers are technically slappers. Here’s one with three layers. The first makes contact, while there are two quick “aftershocks” as each of the other layers lands. A tawse has a similar effect.

When Mel takes Taylor and Ayjay to some folks who can teach them more about impact play, my attention was immediately drawn to the rainbow floggers on the table. Taylor later receives a flogging with them. The closest I can find is this rainbow flogger by Firebird Leather. However, Strict Leather has its own take on the rainbow flogger, as does Sportsheets.

The magnetic nipple clamps look a lot like these. Essentially, you pull the knobs out at the sides, place the ring around the nipple, and let the magnets attract through the nipple. With clamps like these, there’s not a lot of room for adjustment, so if they’re too tight or loose, you’re kind of stuck, but you can choose to place the crown, which offers stability that simply using two magnets lacks, with the prongs against the skin if you want.

Finally, I noticed a heart paddle against the wall. Paddles with unique shapes and cutouts can leave fun imprints on your skin.

Raj and Ryan

These under-the-bed restraints by Sportsheets are the exact ones I’ve had on my bed for over a decade. They’re fairly easy to put on, even if without help, and you can swap out other cuffs with the Velcro ones that are included. The company makes an even more affordable set in another line that I haven’t tried but received good reviews from others.

When Mel encourages the couple to talk dirty and brings them into their finished bedroom, they wear contoured blindfolds. Unlike the super cheap blindfolds, these are designed to blackout all light and be comfortable without creating pressure over the nose.

The item that Ryan mistakes for a genie’s lamp is likely the Womanizer Premium 2, which uses pulses of air to create a suction sensation around the clitoris.

As Mel shows the couple the bed, the camera pans over some pink bondage gear, including this kitty cat fetish mask.

I also assume that at least some of the candles strewn about the room are massage candles, which are made from super soft oil-based wax that melts at a low temperature and feel (and smell) heavenly as you rub it into your partner’s skin.

Hannah and Wesley

how to build a sex room

Hannah and Westley’s finished sex room

 

Two of the products featured in this episode were rope and the tantric chair, which I discussed above.

Besides that, Mel chose products in hues of red and pink, and I loved the pink leather cuffs she chose for Hannah and Wesley. While most cuffs are adjustable, some wrist cuffs may not fit those with larger wrists. Fortunately, you may be able to swap them out with ankle cuffs, which are designed for a thicker limb, to make it work.

I also recognized a heart crop, set of glass butt plugs, and what looked like a dragon tail whip.

Also, one of the main features of their space is the Barely There wallpaper by York Wallcoverings. It’s adhesive, so you just stick it on yourself.

Orlando and Matt

how to build a sex room

Orlando and Matt donned leather gear for a photoshoot

During the photo shoot, Orlando wears a leather chest harness, and Matthew dons a collar with O-rings. 

A Fun Factory Manta, a vibe for penises, sits on the table in the renovated room, while a beautiful braided flogger is strewn across the sofa.

Mel also hooks the guys up with a suspension bar, to which one person’s hands will be cuffed above their head. A similar tool was shown in the previous episode when Hannah and Wesley visited the domme who was whipping someone bound to a suspension bar.

Melanie ensures the couple will have plenty to try in their toy cabinet, which includes, among other things:

Shenika and Matthew

Mel discovers a copy of Unleashing Her G-spot Orgasm in the couple’s room.

The “pulsating” rabbit from the sex shop is the Stronic Bi Fusion, which has a piston-like motion. She also shows them Wand’s rechargeable wand and a cock ring attachment. But I believe she actually gifts the couple the petite version.

The Family

how to build a sex room

From golden showers to cuddle puddles, Mel provided for this polycule

Lester and Soriya are quite familiar with kink, and they reveal a cage to Mel and the audience.

One of the things that Lester pulls out of the dresser is a metal collar, and while you can find all manner of them online, I do like this combination locking collar.

The polyfam is lucky enough to have a Sybian bestowed upon them. Sybian is the name brand of a type of fucking machine, and it’s a powerful, large, and expensive toy. It’s also not the only brand on the market. For example, the Cowgirl is a pretty contemporary design.

While the Sybian draws a lot of interest, the bondage chair in the same corner is also a beautiful piece of furniture.

The camera briefly focuses on clover/butterfly nipple clamps. I compared several styles of nipple clamps a few years ago, which you may find helpful when choosing for yourself.

The clamps also share the screen with njoy’s Pure Wand and Fun Wand, the former which is known to be an excellent G-spotter. Mel also adds an anal hook to the gleaming hardware.

Another of the kinky goodies that Melanie gives her clients is a neon wand. She does a good job or explaining the various attachments and general sensations to her contractor, Mike. Viewers will find the basic wand, kits, and add-on attachments in various styles.

But she could have explained electrosex a bit more. The neon wand is very mild compared to other forms of electrosex and not so intense that you really need to work up to it if you’re interested in it at all (check out my review for the Fetish Fantasy neon wand). Keep in mind that neon wands are just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to kink. You can also experiment with electrokink insertables or even use your own body to give your partner a shock.

I’d also like to mention how much I love that Mel left her clients with leather conditioner to care for their bondage goodies.

Meaghan and Dave

In comparison to the poly family, Meaghan and Dave seem a bit tamer, so Mel focuses on giving them a space to connect romantically. However, she does introduce the pair to the idea of roleplay after learning that Meaghan enjoys wearing different wigs. Meaghan really seemed to transform upon putting on a striking wig and some fetish wear.

Bettie and Brody

how to build a sex room

Brody and Bettie’s room included plenty of bondage goodies

If you spotted the translucent confetti dildo, you can get your own. It’s perfect to wear with a leather harness like the one hanging on their wall.

One of the goodies Mel hands on the wall is a pink, star crop, which may actually come from a tack store.

Mel leaves an ultra-wide posture collar on a mannequin. These collars keep the neck straight and head up.

The rhinestone flogger that Mel includes matches the couple’s glitzy style, but if chains seem a bit intense, you can get a sparkly flogger made from vegan leather.

Although I can’t be sure, there appears to be a “strapless” strapon like the Share on the dressing room table.

Ouima and Jesse

Ouima and Jesse’s space includes a patterned pink collar with leash and what I assume are matching cuffs. They’re quite similar to this rose gold collar and leash (check out the cuffs, too).

The collar is actually on a form wearing a lace corset. It may very well be a legitimate corset with boning that is either custom-made for Ouima or at least measured in inches. However, corsets are more affordable and readily available if you opt for something mass-manufactured. This similar, lace corset is available in multiple colors and up to 7x. 

The lucky couple also receives several sets of pasties for Ouima to put on a show for her partner. The show focuses on tassled pasties, but there truly are plenty of options, including these fuzzy ones, and fun bows.

Tricia and Gary

how to build a sex room

This couple got an impressive bondage bed

After exhausting her bag of tricks, Mel shows the couple a strap-on harness that seems particularly strappy. It could be something like the Vanity harness, or this harness by Dominix.

When visiting Mistress Nicci, Gary’s bondage gear includes a blindfold with a strap across the front like the essential blindfold from Babeland. You can get a completely adjustable aviator blindfold, which is similar but allows you to move the eyepieces.

Tricia chooses a lace and PVC corset during this session. For something similar, you might try the Cottelli Wet Look and Lace Peek-a-Boo Merry Widow Bustier Set, but it’s only available in plus size. I also get the feeling that Tricia would enjoy the Exposed Lust Wet Look Open Cup Bustier Set, available in straight and plus sizes.

During the photo shoot, we see Tricia in separate caged pieces, which is similar to a body harness. I couldn’t track down the exact pieces. But if you’re okay with separates, Bijoux Indiscrets makes some nice harnesses (one size fits most), any of which you could pair with the Audaciously sexy garter (no plus sizes). Finally, this halter cage and cage garter cost a pretty penny, but the shining latex is seriously sexy, the zipper is a nice touch, and the color options are the cherry on top.

Mel definitely had a big budget to work with. A spanking horse or “pony chair” as she calls it, could cost $2500–quite a bit more than many spanking benches. It looks like Mel included a bit gag for the couple in the finished room.

Of course, custom pieces cost even more. For example, I found what would be the very scroll bed that Mel ordered for Tricia and Gary for just over $5,000. But it’s clearly well made and can stand up to activities other than sleep, something that the couple’s original bed failed to do. You’ll find plenty of beds that seem like they could work for bondage, but will suffer the same fate under the slightest pressure. Plus, I love the removable St. Andrew’s Cross (which we see against the wall), and it looks like Mel had them tone down the scrolls for the stockade at the end of the bed. But this bed could totally go unnoticed by non-kinksters.

Bondage beds don’t have to be made from metal. Many are wood, some of which have a more rustic appearance than what Mel chose for this couple.

Mel also outfits the room for a leather sex sling. But for those who don’t have the budget or hardware, you can achieve something similar with an over-the-door sling or a sling that isn’t made from leather.

The couple’s finished room includes a country chic antler chandelier, and you’ve got no shortage of options on Etsy. 

Heather and Sara

how to build a sex room

Heather and Sarah’s small space that required creativity

With Heather and Sara, so many of the pieces were custom to fit into their van, that you won’t find them anywhere. You don’t have to go the DIY route if you don’t want to, however. A sex swing is a great way to save space, and you could use either of the slings listed above. However, this sex swing is a bit more affordable, while a deluxe version might better match your aesthetic.

Mel gifts the duo with a crystal dildo.

When it comes to portable suspension, you’ll need some sort of frame. Tripod and quad frames are common, as are swingset style frames. The most affordable option might be a hammock stand, but the smaller design isn’t intended to fully support the weight of more than one person. Of course, this may not be a problem if one of you intends to stand or kneel. 

BDSM Architecture sells a suspension frame for a bit more, but you know it’s built for bondage activities. The most hardcore–and expensive–option I’d recommend for home use is this frame by Tetruss.

Pulse sex toy mount, which allows you to insert up to two toys. Then, you straddle the shape and rock, grind, or bounce your way to nirvana.

And if you want, you can experience sensation play with a pair of vampire gloves.

Lisa

Finally, Melanie helped Lisa see that sex toys could be useful for solo and partnered play. She left her client with a fully-stocked sex room that could be used for any occasion.

Did the sexy folded impact play toy catch your eye? If so, check out Daddy’s belt.

Fun Factory’s Stronic line consists of thrusting vibrators that are fun to use on your own or have someone use on you. 

This Black Rose Spanking Paddle is similar to one that Lisa will get to play with, thanks to Mel.

In the sex shop, the strange vibrator with the band around it is the Fun Factory Amorino.

You can get your hands on the Starsi sex toy. Lisa also admires a tie-dye dildo made from silicone. But there are so many patterns and designs to choose from when it comes to dildos, so I’ll name just a few:

Many have flared bases that also function as suction cups!

As the camera panned around the room, I recognized a number of items.

Elvie is a smart Kegel exerciser that can help those with incontinence due to age or childbirth.

A breathable gag is a good option for people who want to experiment with mouth bondage.

Miss Bi G5 Silicone Vibrator offers dual clitoral and vaginal stimulation.

If you’re not a fan of oral sex or simply want to spice it up, you could invest in some Intimate Organics Strawberry flavored lube.

Finally, a good lube is a must for more comfortable and healthy sex. It’s useful for people of all ages but may be necessary as aging and menopause change the vagina’s natural lubrication. For that, Mel left Lisa with a bottle of Aloe Cadabra. A water-based lube like this is compatible with all sex toys and condoms, too.

Phew! That was a lot to go through. And I haven’t even mentioned those items that I can’t believe Mel didn’t mention!

 

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Categories: Build Your Sex Room

Spring and Summer 2022 Media Recommendations

July 31st, 2022

You know how I started doing monthly media recommendations and when it became quarterly, and now it’s been more than six damn months since I posted any recs? Well, now you do! Anyway, here’s a post chock-full of links to awesome videos, podcasts, and books about sex!

Watch

I’ve already sung praises for Netflix’s How to Build a Sex Room on Twitter. And I’m not the only one. It’s the sex-positive home renovation show I didn’t know I needed (and I’ll soon be posting a lengthy post inspired by it)!

Another great watch is Episode 1 of the series The Mysteries of X and Y by Scientific American: A Question of Sex. I’m not sure if there will actually be a second episode, but this is a good look at the biological complexities of sex.

Listen

I not only  komcaught up with some of the podcasts I know about but decided to look for some fresh meat. One of those shows is Practice Outside the Line, a podcast where Heather, founder of the Sexual Health Alliance, talks to people who are in the business-educators, researchers, therapists and more. I especially loved this episode featuring Nicoletta Heidegger, who we know and love from Sluts & Scholars!

99PI played clips from Remembering Stonewall in an episode last month that you can check out if you’re interested in LGBTQ+ rights and history. You might consider pairing it with this episode of Outward, featuring Hugh Ryan who discusses his book and the connections between prison and queer culture, including Stonewall.

I started watching Will & Grace for the very first time after hearing Malcolm Gladwell discuss how groundbreaking and carefully crafted it was, which contributed to its popularity. The show itself is dated, of course, but it’s a part of history and seeing how much society has changed since 1998 shows how much progress we’ve made.

I’m going to be honest when I say that I have zero idea how I came across the Sexology by Dr. Moali podcast. But I’m glad because the episode featuring Dr. Peggy Kleinplatz is such a practical, helpful, and even hopeful podcast about having better sex,

I’ve been waiting anxiously for Beyond Fear: The Sex Crimes Podcast to return. It’s heavy but important work, and I am so grateful to Alissa and Alexa for creating this podcast. The episodes about invisible survivors of sex crimes and the ideal victim are so very important. I suspect that the themes of racism and poor treatment of survivors will continue this season.

Much earlier this year, Unladylike tackled intimacy coordinators and Hollywood’s resistance to employing them. More recently, Cristen made an episode about the overturning of Roe versus Wade, in which she delves into who the infamous Dobbs in “Dobbs v Jackson” is.

For something completely different, you might want to tune into the episode of Behind the Bastards about the father of gynecology and his unconscionable medical experimentation on Black women.

Read

I’ve been utilizing the university library to my advantage, and that includes several books about sex, even though I haven’t read all of them. I am fairly positive that I picked up Magnificent Sex after listening to the Dr. Kleinpatz podcast above. Peggy and her team surveyed people about what makes sex good and used it to provide some helpful information.

I finally got around to reading Lux Alptraum’s Faking It: The Lies Women Tell about Sex–And the Truths They Reveal. It was such a deeper dive into whether and when women are believed and its impact on when and how they lie. I wasn’t expecting that, but it definitely gave me food for thought.

Finally, I recently finished Polysecure by Jessica Fern and recommended it to my therapist. Now, I’m recommending it to my readers! The book is all about attachment and trauma as it applies to poly relationships, but I found it infinitely useful as someone who is single and hasn’t been in a poly situation. For whatever reason, I struggled to apply attachment theory to myself before reading this book. Sometimes things just click, I guess! Anyway, the book is a good intro to attachment theory even if you’re not familiar, and then Jessica launches into some practical advice. She also wrote a workbook you can pair with it. 

Those are my media recommendations for the first half (and some change) for 2022. There’s a lot of good stuff in here, whether you simply want to learn more, improve your relationship, or become a better practitioner!

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Categories: media recommendations

We Need More Opportunities to Talk About Sex

July 22nd, 2022

Yesterday, I had an invigorating discussion with someone from the Sexual Health Alliance regarding a possible internship. It seemed to go pretty well, so I’m feeling great about that, but even if we don’t work together, it was still such a valuable conversation for me.

I don’t get a lot of opportunities to discuss sexuality with people who are involved in research or education, and the communications I do have are so frequently online. It was great to see and hear people on the other side of that discussion. It facilitates cooperation and connection. If I’m being honest, I’ve struggled with imposter syndrome and viewing other bloggers, authors, and sex educators as competition, instead of people who are working toward a common goal.

Some of that may be a bit inevitable as a woman in a capitalist society, but it’s plagued me for nearly the entire life of this blog and prevented me from speaking up as much as I want to, whether that be on my blog or social media or in person, but especially to those who I find intimidating. And that’s a shame. It’s likely also partially spurred by the fact that there are so few spaces to discuss sex healthily and productively, so it can feel like we’re all vying for a piece of it, like it’s a zero-sum game and someone else’s success means our failure–whatever that means.

Yesterday’s discussion, however, helped me reframe the way I think about things and see a fellow educator as my ally and potential partner in teaching about sexuality to improve sexual satisfaction and reduce the negative sexual and life outcomes that result from a sex-positive society. When the person I was discussing said we “need 17,000 more sex educators,” it really clicked. One thing I’ve struggled with is wondering how my efforts to write or talk about something would be any better than others’ efforts, even if others have yet to focus on the subject that I am thinking about.

But it’s important to remember that people come from different places. Their knowledge levels and mindsets, combined with the subjects we tackle and the way we talk about those things, all impact whether something really impacts the audience. There could be a million books, articles, conferences, or podcasts about the same topic, but there’s no guarantee that the people who need that information will find, understand, or take it to heart.

This is something I’ve recently been appreciative of after having read two books, The Highly Sensitive Person and Polysecure, both of which have shed a different light on relationship communication and allowed me to reflect on my last relationship differently than I would have otherwise. With Polysecure, the book’s first section about attachment style struck home in a way that nothing has in the past, and I am no stranger to attachment theory. Hell, I’ve even written about it in the past! But it wasn’t until I read this book at this point in my life that I could better understand and use that theory personally.

So talking with someone else has motivated me to do more of my own talking–well, writing–and I’m excited for some of the posts I have in the works and the book I’ve been working on! 

There’s no doubt that returning to school and setting my career in motion in an “official” capacity, some positive comments from instructors, a volunteer-turned-work opportunity through school, and working with a new therapist have also boosted my confidence and increased my network in an instrumental way. This recent conversation was just the cherry on top of what I hope is a sundae that won’t melt anytime soon. Is that stretching the metaphor too far?

Regardless, I’m starting to think I can actually sustain change, continue to grow, and accomplish my goals in a way that I just haven’t before. 

Yay.

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Categories: personal

Hi There

April 26th, 2022

It’s me, Adriana.

I’m alive.

I hope that some of you seeing these words find them reassuring in some way.

This winter was difficult, what with the breakup, deaths of loved ones, and my plummeting self-esteem. This spring is better in ways but has presented its own challenges.

Sometimes these challenges get the best of me, and I stay in bed long after it’s healthy because it means I have to spend less time facing my troubles in the waking world. Sometimes it’s hard to concentrate on anything while I’m awake, and I aimlessly watch TV while swiping simple games on my phone.

There are days when it’s all I can do to finish a little work and school before climbing back in bed, and I am consumed by guilt for not accomplishing other tasks, things that I used to do with ease.

I can’t seem to clear the clutter–from my table, mind, or inboxes. I certainly don’t blog, if I even feel as though I have something to say or someone to read it.

It doesn’t mean that I have stopped wanting to help people more freely and fully enjoy their sexuality or brainstorming ways to do it. It doesn’t mean that I don’t want to be a more active blogger and social media user, engage with others, and follow the conversations about sexuality.

But doing anything to reach those goals is sometimes beyond my reach, and that increases my guilt and my inability to accomplish all that I want.

This is a fairly vulnerable post for this blog. It’s honest, and perhaps some of you can see yourself in it. Perhaps more importantly, it’s a sign that I was able to log in and type a few words before hitting send.

Maybe it won’t be four months until I post the next time. Maybe I’ll write something for Science of Sex or find a good groove then it comes to posting on social media–finally.

That would be good.

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Categories: Everything Else, personal

Make love to your long distance lover online

Autumn 2021 Media Recommendations

December 26th, 2021

Listen

I experience an odd disconnect with the usual podcasts that I enjoy these last few months, perhaps due to the media I had to consume for classes and maybe a bit due to depressive feelings, which I’m not entirely beyond. Something switched over the last month or so, however, and I found that the first few episodes I’d been skipping over in my queue were pretty awesome.

First up, Unladylike did a whole series on sexual topics, I think because Planned Parenthood sponsored them. They dove into how female pleasure has been monetized and the (lack of) science behind squirting, among other topics. I also really appreciated a more recent episode, Childfree After Infertility.

Speaking of science, you know I had to listen to The Science of Orgasms on the Sex and Psychology podcast. Dr. Lehmiller interviewed researcher Dr. Nicole Prause to discuss the psychology and biology of orgasms.

Sunny Megatron so often delivers with her American Sex podcast. Andrew Gurza of Disability After Dark and his sister Heather Morrison discussed disability and their new sex toy for disabled folks in an episode earlier this month. Sunny also invited Kitty Stryker onto the show to talk about the “morality war” against OnlyFans.

I think we all know that blue balls are bullshit, but it’s still worth listening to the Science Vs episode about them. Not only is it humorous as always, but Wendy and her guests ponder whether and how people with vaginas have similar experiences.

Finally, I randomly came across How Gender Equality Can Save the Planet from A Matter of Degrees. It’s definitely worth a listen.

Watch

If you’ve got a few minutes, check out Dr. Liz Powell’s take on erotic humiliation in her appearance on Watts the Safeword.

Abortion was definitely a hot topic in my classes this semester, and What It’s Like to Have A Second-Trimester Abortion was actually part of one of my lectures. It’s important to remember that some people have no choice but to abort wanted pregnancies, and seeing and hearing people discuss those difficult decisions is powerful.

Read

I was interested in reading Strange Bedfellows since the first I’d heard of it. I enjoyed a few podcasts where Dr. Ina Park promoted her book, so I was super enthused to learn she also narrated the audiobook. It was excellent; although, I wish I had the ebook to go along with it because I definitely wanted to make a few notations. Dr. Park has a voice that’s really easy on the ears, and her writing is approachable, too. In her book, she puts to bed (sorry not sorry) some myths about various STIs. However, she also provides warnings about the future of STIs, especially those that resist medication. It’s a cautionary tale that so few tell, but Dr. Park does it so well.

I’m going to depart from the topic of my blog for my second book recommendation. I haven’t been in the loop, so I didn’t notice that Mary Roach had a new book until I saw a physical copy in stores. Fuzz: When Nature Breaks the Law takes on animals and a few plants in Mary’s iconic humorous style. As always, I learned so much. But this time around, I also found myself appreciating the way she notices and describes the people whom she interviews.

I expect I’ll have a few more book recommendations in my next installation for two reasons. I’m on break for nearly a month and my holiday gifts included some bawdy books. You bet Kate Lister’s newest, Harlots, Whores & Hackabouts: A History of Sex for Sale, was one of them!

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Categories: media recommendations

Image © MisterUnlucky; used with permission.