All About the WordPress Database

August 27th, 2010

A lot of my fellow bloggers and reviewers are using WordPress. Whether they started with it or have made the move from another (potentially inferior..) blogging tool, does not matter. What does matter is that many of these bloggers do not have a strong grasp of WordPress or how it works. It’s relatively easy to set up, out of the box, if you are not a demanding customer. However, what happens if you wish to move hosts, change your domain name or something goes wrong with your blog?

What is a database?

For a lot of people, this means turning to their hosts. That’s an okay solution. It usually works but it involves a middle man unnecessarily. If you have access to your databases, you can back up, move or restore your WordPress database without help from your webhost or anyone else.

Of course, if you don’t understand the concept of a database, you’re much less likely to try this (or, perhaps, to succeed). A database is a means of storing data in tabular format. When you, your host or a script installs WordPress, it edits the config file to instruct WordPress where to stores its information. Installation scripts such as Fantastic tend to create a new database and user, frequently with “WordPress” in the database and user names. However, if you are installing WordPress yourself, you can include multiple installations in the same database. I currently have 4 installations in a single database.

For the sake of this article, I will use the term “WordPress database” to simply refer to the actually data inside the database associated with your WordPress installation. Thus when I say you can backup or restore your database, I am saying you can backup or save all the pertinent data within the database.

And what sort of information is stored in your database? Posts, post meta (tags, categories), user information (names, levels), plugin information, widget contents, settings, comments, links and more. If I could somehow turn off my WordPress database for this blog, you would pretty much only see the header and background images.

Backing Up the Database

The WordPress Codex (which, I admit, I found ridiculously confusing at first) explains how to back up your WordPress database. By following this tutorial, you can save the contents of your database to your computer to upload at a later date, should the need arise. However, the article glances over how to access your database or PHP admin. Assuming you own your domain and have access to a control panel such as cPanel, H-sphere or a custom control panel (such as the one GoDaddy uses), you will first need to log into that control panel.

In my control panel, there is a link to phpMyAdmin on the index. I can click that, choose the account with access to my WordPress database and click the link. My control panel automatically logs me in. I can reach the same page in a slightly more complicated way by clicking “MySQL Server,” choosing my database, clicking the link to launch the admin panel and manually logging in. I frequently confuse my usernames and passwords so the first option is much easier. You likely have one or both of these options available to you. Then you may proceed with backing up the database.

The Codex tutorial explains that you will need to export the various tables in your database by checking the box next to the table. Typical installations use a prefix of “wp_.” Thus, you’ll see tables such as “wp_categories” or “wp_options.” If you do have multiple blogs or scripts installed to the same database, you will want to back up only the tables that belong to your blog. For example, of Sex and Love has a prefix of “wp_osal” to differentiate it from my other blog and script tables so I check only those tables to export.

This is the long and manual way. It gets the job done but so does the WordPress Database Backup plugin. It may even come with WordPress by default, now. I’m not sure because I use it on every single blog I own and for good reason! This plugin allows me to create an instant back up of my WordPress database directly from the WordPress dashboard.

Furthermore, I can use it to schedule back ups and I do. I schedule a weekly back up which the script e-mails to me. At my current posting rate, I would lose 2 posts at most if I only relied on this method. If you post more frequently, consider a daily back up.

WP DB Backup also allows the option to save your data to your webhost’s server and you should remember to check all the database tables that you want to save because the plugin only backs up the core tables by default. Tables created by other plugins are not included in this. I would lose information for my related posts and feed plugins if I did not check their tables. Note that you will see the list of all tables on the plugin management page. Thus, I see several closely named tables because I have multiple blogs in the same database. Pay attention when marking your tables for back up.

Restoring a Database

Once you have a copy of your database, you can do several things with it. You can restore your blog. This may be handy if your server crashes or someone hacks it. The Codex gives instructions on how to restore using PHPMyAdmin. But you probably want to drop all your extsing tables first to prevent errors.

You can use this same method to move to an entirely new host. Log into PHPMyAdmin or a similar tool in your new control panel. Create a new database and user, if one does not exist. For example, I have the option to add a database after clicking the “MySQL Server” link on the index. I can then choose to give access to a new or existing user. Import your WordPress database. When moving hosts or databases, you will want to perform this step before installing the actual script. Furthermore, you will want to install the script manually. This allows you to edit config.php to specify the new database and username. When you install WordPress, it will bring up your existing information.

You could also use this method if you wanted to switch domain names but remain on the same host. However, you could leave your existing database as-is and manually install WordPress on the new domain (after you add it to your hosting account) and enter the existing database credentials into your new config.php. Note that if you switch domain names, you will want to change the settings in your WordPress dashboard to reflect the new domain. Also note that you can work on your database or edit your WordPress installation even before a domain propagates. Simply use the dedicated IP, temporary URL or instant access domain name.

Blog Files

After extolling the virtues of the database, you may be curious how much necessary information is stored in the actual files that you can see via FTP or file manager. In the best case scenario, these files contain no necessary data for your blog. That’s right. None.

This scenario assumes you are capable of editing some files upon re-installation. If you know your database information, you don’t need to save config.php but it may be helpful. It’s easy enough to edit index.php if you place your WordPress installation files into a separate directly, which I suggest you do (http://domain.com/wp, for example).

The rule of thumb I would use for every other file is, if you edit it, save it.

Although widgets allow you to really customize your theme, many of us edit the actual code. Without my theme edits, you wouldn’t see my custom header, both sidebars, review images or ads. There are a million tiny other edits that only I would notice. If I were moving, I would save my entire theme folder inside the wp-content/themes directory.

Plug ins also have a folder of their own, within the wp-content folder. If the plug ins are currently and available as the repository, you really don’t need to back them up. If you have edited the plug ins or their folder contain data files, you can save them.

You may occasionally find important files within the wp-content folder itself. I have several files there that a plug in references to display my advertisements. The files that I would most likely forget to save are the images I have uploaded through the WordPress media tool. They exist in dated subfolders in the wp-content/uploads directory.

Of course if you have upload any other files to other locations, you will want to save them before moving hosts or domains. In the most complicated scenario, you will save the config.php, index.php, theme folder(s), plugin folder(s), uploads and user-created files.Uploading these and importing your WordPress database will recreate your blog as it was.

4 Comments

Categories: Articles

Pinwheel (Wartenberg Wheel)

August 25th, 2010

Pinwheel

Pinwheel
$14.00 from Good Vibes

The Wartenberg Wheel was originally a medical instrument used to test sensitivity. It has since been adopted by kinksters who enjoy all sorts of stimulation, and many non-kinky sex toy retailers have started to sell it as well, including Good Vibes. They bill it as the pinwheel, which I will use from here on out.

So I asked for the pinwheel, and it showed up shortly thereafter. Immediately, I was surprised by how sharp the pins are. I guess I expected them to be a bit duller and others have said the same. However, I am wondering if different brands of pinwheel (this one’s made my Kookie International) may actually be more dull. I only have one, so I cannot say. Nevertheless, I do know that some brands come with a storage pouch/sheath, and the one that Good Vibes says it does, but mine did not. This is a shame because it’s sharp enough that I’d want to wrap it up to avoid damaging anything else or, Heaven forbid, stepping on it!

Let me back up a bit to describe this. The pinwheel is a long, metal handle with a slightly angled head that holds a wheel consisting of 20 or so metal protrusions or pins. A flathead screw connects the layers of the handle and the wheel itself to allow it to spin. The space around the wheel is enough to allow it to move slightly to the left and right, so there is a bit of wobble, and this causes it to make a metallic sound as well. The pins actually flatten toward the end, so they’re not exactly conical.

I am partnerless so I tried this one on for size myself. I quickly discovered that a super light roll across my upper back tickled in the way that I love. It sent shivers down my spine and created goosebumps that made the touch of the pins painful in a not-so-bad sort of way. It also worked to sensitize my lips (the northern ones). The same light tough was pleasurable along my thighs and outer arms.

Yet, I didn’t really enjoy it on my breasts at all. As I said, the pins are much sharper than I expected. So I have barely tried to apply any pressure at all. However, I can tell that the type of sensation a firmer touch would provide would be more enjoyable with a partner, especially because being aroused typically makes it easier to take more pain. With pressure, you can draw blood, and it becomes more apparent that the pinwheel isn’t perfectly produced. Some of the spokes are a little rough or a bit bent.

That doesn’t stop my mind from racing to determine other ways to use this. Over clothes or fabric? Sure. Heated or cooled? A little side-to-side scratching? If you so desire. If you hold the wheel still, you can use it to poke. And even the typical roll can vary from a steady path that never leaves the skin to quick strokes that pull away from it.

Traditional Wartenberg wheels were stainless steel, but there’s an area on mine where the finish has been scratched off, and I can see something coppery or brassy beneath it. I filed off a speck on the handle, and it seemed to be the same metal throughout. I have no idea what’s going on with that. And it doesn’t affect the functionality in the least, it’s just.. weird.

So, my final thoughts are that this Pinwheel is pretty neat. I don’t know what’s up with the sheath and coating, but I do know you should be careful when dropping it. Don’t catch it and cut yourself.

3 Comments

Categories: BDSM, Reviews

Jenna’s Hot Trimmer Chronicles

August 17th, 2010

Jenna's Hot Trimmer

Jenna's Hot Trimmer
$8.95 from Amazon

It’s not usual that I want to write about a product for review immediately but I couldn’t help myself when it comes to Jenna’s Hot Trimmer.

You see, I’d been growing out the pubes for a while. I had hit full bush mode a while back. My husband found me having hair pretty novel. I didn’t mind it, but it was getting to the unruly point, and since my last trimmer died, I asked to review this one from. Plus, it comes with shapes. I’ve never styled my pubes before. It would be fun, right?

When the package arrived, I noted that the trimmer was in a plain cardboard box, not even a plastic blister pack. It reeked of “made in China” or some similar place. The fact that the included battery contained Asian-styled characters and was not designed like an American battery only went with this. I checked out the two heads and found them easy enough to swap. I noted that there was a clear, plastic cap to go over the small cap but nothing for the larger one. Odd. Also strange was that the shapes had no way to attach to you. I puzzled out how I’d even be able to use them. I put in the battery only to have nothing happen, so I replaced it with a reliable Duracell and tested a tiny lock of arm hair. I tucked everything into the pleather pouch, which is a god-awful pink with “Hot Trimmer” printed on it in a god-awful purple font.

Day 1

I hopped in the shower and decided to try the trimmer after. Initially, I hadn’t dried off, and it didn’t work well. I toweled down the pubes and went back to work. Soon, I had a pile of curly locks forming at my feet in the tub. Soon, I also had blood dripping down my mons. I hadn’t even noticed that I’d cut myself because the whole experience was rather irritating and uncomfortable. The teeth on both heads are quite large, not fine at all. The cut is not surprising. I applied some pressure to stop the bleeding and carefully went back to work.

I spent about 5 minutes trimming away, with the “foot” of the trimmer gliding along my skin. Actually, gliding is a lie. It tugged. It pulled. It hurts on occasion. Jenna’s Hot Trimmer did nothing to give me a uniform trim. It looked–and felt–sloppy.

I had mostly trimmed the flattest part of my mons (one area, in particular, was resistant to the trimming for some reason) and decided to try the shapes. I grabbed the heart, but if you’re a unique person, you can go for the chili pepper or teardrop (???), instead. I swapped out the heads, held the clear plastic cut out in place, and began trimming around. I pulled the shape away to notice.. Nothing. It did, nothing. Maybe if I had used some effective trimmer to cut everything down to a nice 1/4″ or 1/2,” I could have added the detail.

Still, I wanted to salvage the experience, so I decided to try my hand at making shapes with my regular razor. I added a dab of shaving gel, not wanting to add to the irritation.. but the shape was soon slip-sliding around everywhere and my razor head was too big to get the details, anyway. I wound up going over the area I’d trimmed with the razor to get a nice shave on the upper portion of my pubes.

I was already mentally exhausted, so I decided to finish trimming my labia for another time. I did notice that the trimmer was clogged with hair and skin cells, however; so I set about cleaning it. I was surprised to see that a plastic piece pops off the large head. This allows access to remove hair and whatnot, but you have to make sure to replace the head so the shaft connects with the piece in the neck. Otherwise, it won’t work. I do wish that the trimmer came with a cleaning brush or something. There are a lot of little crevices that are hard to reach inside the head.

Day 2

I returned to finish the job I’d started a few days later. I found the trimmer to be practically useless along my labia. I just couldn’t get an angle that would allow me to cut all the hair. I’d wind up having to pull the hair away from my skin to clip it, and there were certain areas that the trimmer just kept missing. I cut a few larger locks off with small scissors, but not before I cut myself with the trimmer again. I felt it this time.

I spent much less time with the trimmer the second time around. I just didn’t have the patience. I feel like I’ve spent enough time with it to make some observations:

Jenna’s Hot Trimmer is cheaply made and produces a sloppy finish despite having multiple heads. If you want a waterproof and versatile trimmer that is easy to clean, won’t cut you, and has an adjustable head, go for the Trimstyle by Quattro. It doubles as a traditional razor, too.

The heads on Jenna’s Hot Trimmer are shaped strangely. You can’t get a close trim, and the shape makes it difficult to cut hair in all areas, especially around curves or crevices. If you want something a little more versatile but don’t have high demands, try one of the Finishing Touch/Bikini Touch trimmers. Some of them come with cutting guides as well as built-in lights and a brush to clean up.

This trimmer does not make quick work of a full bush. A small pair of scissors does a much better job of a quick cleanup if you’re pressed for time and only need to clean up a bit.

A pair of scissors, Finishing Touch or Trimstyle are all cheaper than Jenna’s Hot Trimmer. However, if you’re looking for a tool that will be efficient, versatile, and effective without being dangerous, you should probably just invest in an electric razor. I’ve never had one that worked well, so I cannot personally give a recommendation, but I’d recommend almost anything over this.

17 Comments

Categories: Reviews, Sexual Health and Beauty

Throbbing Hearts waterproof Vibrator

August 12th, 2010

Throbbing hearts waterproof Vibrator

Throbbing hearts waterproof Vibrator
N/A from

This is an archived review of a discontinued toy.

I like throbbing things, especially throbbing body parts. Like a cock as it ejaculates inside of me or the spasms of my PC muscles during orgasm. Yet, throbbing is one of the few sensations that companies haven’t mastered. Throbbing toys have not saturated the market, so this vibrator really caught my eye.

Out of the box, the Throbbing Hearts waterproof Vibrator is interesting. I noticed that the TPE seemed to be quite loose around the shaft mechanism. I mean, it’s not flopping around, but you can pinch some of the material away from the shaft, like looser skin. The movement kind of gives the feel of softness–when not in use.

The Throbbing Hearts waterproof Vibrator has a straight, smooth shaft. The mechanism beneath the TPE gives the impression of ripples, however. The head of the toy is realistically shaped like the head of a cock. Oddly enough, the clitoral stimulator also has a penis head shape which is kind of creepy. It’s like the whole clitoral simulator is some sort of stunted penis. And then, there are two embossed heart designs toward the base o the toy and on the back of the clit stim. I have no idea what the theme is here but Doc Johnson missed the mark.

Still, I wanted this for its sensations, not the look. It’s not the tiniest toy, though. With a base diameter of 1.59″, it’s a medium-large size. You can use water or silicone-based lube with this toy. The design results in a maximum insertable length of 5.5″, which is pretty effective for the average size of vaginas. The clitoral stimulator is also quite long, extending almost 3″ from the shaft.

There are two buttons for each function (throbbing and clit vibration). The design deviates from the standard and isn’t visually appealing. Essentially, the throbbing function has a + and – buttons that also serve to turn the function on and off, respectively. These buttons are square and are labeled as “On” and “Off” which is confusing to me. The vibration function has a master On/Off button and a separate button to control the speed/mode. These buttons are round and oval, respectively. I don’t know why both functions don’t have comparable +/- button or a power and mode button–or a different setup altogether to provide a master “Off” button for the entire toy. I don’t know why there are different shapes. It’s very anti-intuitive, in my opinion.

So I insert the toy and turn it on. First, I try the throbbing because this is really the appeal and, boy, is it weird. The throbbing is actually expanding and contracting, which required the loose TPE that I noticed originally. It does this in a very quick succession, even on the lowest speed and, when the toy isn’t inserted, it makes a noise similar to skin slapping skin during sex. On the toy, it’s almost disgusting.

Sound aside, I just did not find the sensation wasn’t much like throbbing itself. Throbbing typically has vertical movement, too. It feels deep, rumbly. This toy does not. It just feels like something is growing larger and smaller, and all the speeds are too close together for there to be much build-up. This is not a sensation that stimulates my G-spot at all. And because rabbits are not intended to be thrusted (usually), this isn’t very versatile. Additionally, I find that the shaft mechanism feels really hard and solid. I prefer my insertables to be either hard or large–not both.

Externally, I was not impressed. The clit stimulator, while plenty long enough, offers little pressure. The vibrations are incredibly buzzy. I can barely tell the difference between the medium and high steady vibrations. The pulsation lacks any sort of oomph. The functions, when combined, really seem to work against one another. They don’t complement each other at all. I’m not surprised that I was unimpressed by the vibrations, however. This uses AAAs.

The toy takes 4AAAs altogether. They fit into a battery compartment that has an easy load-style pack, and the cap screws on over an O-ring, thus making this waterproof. Honestly, I’d think that the sensation of water falling on you in the shower would compete with the sensations that this toy provides, and I don’t advise it.

I am more than a bit disappointed with this toy. I really like the idea of a throbbing toy, but I think it needs to feel different from the violent, in-and-out slapping of the mechanism of this toy. Plus, I’m curious how easy it might be to break this. I’m almost intrigued enough by the function to cut off the TPE and see what’s going on beneath it. Almost.

Still, I commend Doc Johnson for thinking outside the box and creating something a little different.

2 Comments

Categories: Reviews, Vibrators

Get up to 30% off at MysteryVibe

Symphony Massager

August 6th, 2010

Symphony massager

Symphony massager
N/A from

This is an archived review of a discontinued toy.

This month’s (okay, last month’s, I guess) Sexpert toy from California Exotics is the Symphony Massager. It’s true to its name (massager) and discretely looks nothing like a sex toy at all. In fact, as I sit here gazing at it, I find it difficult to describe the type of toy it is. There’s a nod, to some high-end toys, like the Form 6 or even one of the Lelo toys, except the Symphony Massager isn’t dual-ended, and I have no desire whatsoever to insert it.

A few of the basics. This is a plastic toy. It has a velvety finish. It comes in lavender (what I have) and white. It measures 8″ from tip to tip, and you can insert a little under 4.5.” The widget varies: the ends are wider than the center, with the handle end being wider than the insertable end, which is ovular (not a perfect circle) and has a circumference of 4.75.” The thinnest part of the insertable portion has a circumference of 3.25.”

The vibrations are focused at the insertable. Oddly enough, there is a little dimple on the top of this end. I guess it could be used for clitoral stimulation, but I think it’s kind of useless because then the angle of the toy would make it curve away from your body. I prefer toys that mimic the curve of my pubic bone, I guess. The angle on this toy is really unique and quite high. If I set the toy on a flat surface so it rests on either tip, I can slip four fingers into the open area created by the angle (under the toy). That really has no significance, but I think it’s fun and such.

The Symphony Massager uses a single push button to operate. It sits inside another dimple, toward the center of the toy but on the handle end. It’s surrounded by silver, and it sticks up a lot. I say this because I like buttons that are easy to find, and this one is! My nails don’t get in the way. It’s not right next to another equally tiny button. I like it a lot.

When you press this button, you will cycle through several settings: low steady vibration, high steady vibration, short-short-long pulsation, short pulsation, and a weird back-and-forth sort of pulse that I am failing to describe well. If you’re paying attention, then you’ll notice that there is no “medium” setting. I constantly skip to the first pulsation setting because I want something stronger. It’s a force of habit that is hard to break and California Exotics might due better to just stick to what has worked thus far.

Because the Symphony Massager runs on 2AAAs the vibrations are buzzy and the pulsation lacks “oomph.” This is the kind of toy that mostly makes me tingle a little, but then I reach for something stronger, as I did. I cannot recall if I got off from this because it does have a broader surface, which I like externally. If I did, I wasn’t much impressed.

Now, I didn’t bring this anywhere near my internal organs. For one, it just doesn’t seem like an internal toy to me. Secondly, there is a ridiculous seam running through the plastic, all the way around. Needless to say, this isn’t anywhere close to waterproof, nor would I ever recommend sharing it without some sort of gamma-ray.. stuff. Either plastic piece of this toy seems to be melted together in two locations on the insertable part. I’m not sure if it’s supposed to melt seamlessly the whole way or if it just connects at those points but.. it’s weird. It seems cheap, and while many would not be able to feel it in use, it ‘s just not something I want inside me.’

It’s funny that the pieces would be so far apart because the battery pack is tight. I think CEN used all the recalled China shrink cream on this because wow, just wow! You have to turn the cap to the correct position to unlock it and pull it off. Be prepared to give a forceful yank and have your batteries fly in your face to fully remove it. Then you might chuckle because the is, indeed, a plastic O-ring in there. The same move in reverse replaces the cap.

My verdict, as you can see, is this is not the toy for me. Were the quality better, it’d be a decent, basic toy–inexpensive, potential versatile, easy to use and varied. Now, it just feels cheap.

1 Comment

Categories: Reviews, Vibrators

Best Lesbian Erotica 2010

July 30th, 2010

Best Lesbian Erotica 2010

Best Lesbian Erotica 2010
$11.99 from Amazon

It took me forever to finish Best Lesbian Erotica 2010. I am now 100% positive that I can never be 100% satisfied with lesbian erotica. Or full-length erotica, at that. I wish it hadn’t taken two full anthologies to realize that, however.

I would describe this collection much the same way I described last year’s. There’s lesbian sex. Group sex. Oral, anal, penetration. Gender-bending. Roleplaying. Fantasies. BDSM and more. Many of the stories included omitted relationships, or at least that is what I assumed from the way they were written. There were some no-strings-attached encounters, and one story even included a first-time lesbian experience, as in “In the Sauna” by Stella Watts Kelley. For the most part, the characters have established their gender and sexual identities. As a mostly straight chick who doesn’t identify with her anatomy, it can be a little difficult to empathize with the characters or situations. I think that detracts from my enjoyment a bit.

It would definitely balance the collection to have a few more first-time or novice-type stories. I could better relate to those, and that would allow me to get lost in the story. As it is, I really had to force myself to finish this book, especially because some of the pieces were ridiculously long and included multiple parts. I was discussing this book with someone else, and it struck me that others may not read erotica to get off, but I do. Thus, the erotica that I find most effective keeps moving, has more overt sex than covert and isn’t so long that it works against my orgasm. Shorter stories also work better to get me in the mood sooner.

Although I’ve started this fairly negatively, it’s not a horrible collection. The stories are unique, well written and well edited. There’s a lot of creativity. I personally had not heard of any of the authors but, like any anthology, you can find additional information about them at the back of the book.

There were a couple of memorable stories, too. Holly Farris wrote a piece entitled “Lives of the Saints” in which two amorous saints visit a woman who experiences doubts about her relationship. Additionally, I was entertained by Kelsy Chauvin’s “Sexting: One Side of a Two-Way.” In this story, we see a number of sexual texts from one woman to another with whom she had an encounter. The timeline stretches over a two-week period, during which the women chat back and forth and have several more encounters. The format is extremely unique and easy to read. I also especially enjoyed “Shameless” by Kimberly Reed and Anais Morten. This two-part piece follows a lesbian couple as they perform in front of a pair of strangers who are men. Each character gets the chance to tell her side of the story as she performs for her lover.

Some stories were simply not my style because they weren’t direct enough or were perhaps too creative for me. I have no idea what actually happened in “Uppercasing” by Charlie Anders. I guess I need my sex and erotica to be a little more straight forward.

Some folks might think that this series may be suffering from a new editor or the fact that a bunch of musicians (Sorry, I’ve never heard of BETTY) chose the stories. Maybe it’s related, but I didn’t love last year’s edition, either. I know that erotica is subjective. You win some, you lose some sort of thing but I also know that really intriguing erotica stays with me permanently. I can name a handful of stories from other collections, including Five Minute Erotica, that have really stuck with me over the past year to eighteen months. I just don’t think this will cut it.

I’m still interested in erotica but I am going to focus on unique situational erotica and shorter stories from this point on.

2 Comments

Categories: Books, Reviews

Janine’s Cannon Fire Pirates Rabbit Vibe

July 19th, 2010

Janine's Cannon Fire Pirates Rabbit Vibe

Janine's Cannon Fire Pirates Rabbit Vibe
$33 from Pink Cherry

This is an archived review of a discontinued toy.

Lordy, has it ever taken me forever to sit down to this review. If you didn’t guess from the name and picture, this rabbit vibrator is in Digital Playground’s line of Pirates-inspired toys. All of them are extremely artistic, and the thought that went into creation and design is really astounding. I’m not sure why the toys are out now (DVD release, maybe?) but it’s hard to miss them at any retailer.

So let me start by saying that Janine’s Cannon Fire Pirates Rabbit Vibe is heavy on the detail. The base is made of a hard, velvety plastic in a deep rosey pink. On either side is a “decal” featuring a stylized cross between two “ropes.” Around the top of the base, below where the shaft starts, are two rows of orange rhinestones.

And then there’s the shaft in a translucent pink TPE. The first third of the shaft, next to the base, has a stylized pirate skull embossed into it with some surrounding details. We are talking major texture here (although, this portion isn’t insertable with the clitoral stimulator being there and all). The clit stim is, literally, crafted to look like a cannon on a rolling platform with the barrel pointing toward the end the toy. It’s the barrel that will rest against the clitoris during use.The design is a little different from your typical rabbits and the clit stim extends about 1.25″ from the base. Although the sides and back of the cannon have some texture, the part that will actually touch the body is smooth, except for a single ridge that goes around the end of the cannon.

This portion of the shaft ends with an embossed “rope” that encircles the shaft. Then the TPE is smooth for about 1.75.” Behind this portion of TPE, the rotating beads sit and you can see them pretty clearly through the smooth TPE.

The last third of the shaft starts with another embossed rope and, above that, more texture can be found. The head of the shaft is curved, for G-spot stimulation, I’d guess, and stylized so it looks like the curved butt of those old-fashioned pirate pistols. There are swirly lines and a starburst-y pattern, among other textures. Now, don’t think about it too much because you’ll realize it makes no sense for this cannon vibe to have a handle like that and, even if it did, it shouldn’t be on that end. You see, you’d be shooting yourself. But, like I said, pay no attention to logic.

By this point, I’d be halfway done with most of my reviews. The reason I’ve spent so much attention on this detail is simply because there is a lot of it and it will effect your experience. I can’t say for sure whether it will be a negative or positive impact but this is the type of texture that you just cannot miss. I absolutely recommend using a fuckton of lube (water or silicone) with the Janine’s Cannon Fire Pirates Rabbit Vibe to ease insertion and prevent pain.

To add to the texture, this isn’t a tiny vibe. The girth around the smooth portion is 1.59.” It definitely has a decent size, and with the texture around the last third, the girth is probably even a bit larger. There are 4.5″ that you can insert but, I’ll be honest, I thought it felt like so much more. Perhaps because of the girth or texture or because the cannon barrel is shorter than most rabbit clit stims, but it was just so.. there.

Size-wise, I wasn’t really fulfilled. I say that playfully because I definitely was filled, but the size and curve of the shaft weren’t the best to reach my clit, nor was the clit stim super effective. The cannon barrel is a chunk of squishy TPE, so it doesn’t move like rabbit ears, nor can you really get a lot of pressure from it.

The vibrations were also a little lackluster, which I should have known. This will probably be the last toy I get that uses AAAs because they never satisfy me. This rabbit takes 4 (in an easy load type pack, the battery cap screws on, and there’s a prominent O-ring), but the output is just pathetic. When you push the power button, both functions turn on. The shaft and beads rotate simultaneously while the clit stim vibrates. There’s a single button to page through vibration modes (low, medium and high) but the vibes are so high pitched that all the steady modes feel pretty similar and the pulsation modes are nothing to write home about either. There are 7 vibration settings altogether.

The other button adjusts the speed of rotation, of which there are three speeds. There’s also two sort of pulsing rotation settings. That’s pretty unique but it’s overwhelmed by the vibration, size and texture in my opinion. I do not specifically recall if I could stop the rotation with my PC muscles but I wouldn’t doubt it, considering the source. I tend not to try it with larger or super textured toys, though, because it hurts.

The functions are interesting and I have a few thoughts about them. One, when you turn off the toy (with the master power switch), it takes a few seconds for the rotation to stop and it still makes noise while it’s stopping. That’s a bummer. Secondly, you cannot have just the vibrations or just the rotation on. Another bummer. It’s not ridiculously loud though. With both functions on the highest setting, it’s still much quieter than the Miracle Massager and it’s quieter in use, as the body absorbs some of the sound.

Like most rabbits, Janine’s Cannon Fire Pirates Rabbit Vibe is weight and lacks balance. I think the gobs of TPE used to create the details only adds to that, sadly. The long base (the toy is over 10″ long in total) on this one is a bit difficult to use with my short arms. I find that I have to pull the base upwards to grasp it well and this results in the shaft pulling away from any sensitive spots. This is something that frequently occurs with rabbits, however.

Just to cover a few basics, you can easily wash this one with soap and water but will have to carefully scrub around the texture. There is a storage bag included, but the shiny TPE tends to stick on the material during insertion or removal, so it’s not as practical as I’d like.

So, my final thoughts are like this: Digital Playground has created some really unique movie merchandise, but, like most movie merchandise, I feel like Janine’s Cannon Fire Pirates Rabbit Vibe would be better left in its box, on the mantel shelf than actually put to use. In fact, some true movie merchandise might have been more useful than sex toys.

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Categories: Reviews, Vibrators

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