The Myths of Sex Toy Reviewing

April 20th, 2010

I was so excited when I got my first toys to review. I know you were, too! I know if you have just discovered how awesome it is to not only play with vibrators and dildos and butt plugs — Oh my! — but to do so for free in exchange for some words, then you might still be floating on cloud 9. That’s totally cool. I know I wanted to jump right into things and I was sure I was awesome and I made some beginner’s mistakes. I like to think I am beyond that; most people get some gentle guidance or learn from example. Some people realize that reviewing actually takes work and give up when it becomes apparent that companies expect some sort of quality.

The truth is outsiders and newbies may have some misconceptions about sex toy reviewing:

Toy reviewing requires no effort.
True, I’ve seen some rather shoddy reviews which could only have taken seconds to compose but to be a successful reviewer, the ones who earn respect and gain a following learn to do a few things. Like use a toy more than once, even if the first time is horrible. They work on improving their writing skills and describe things in painstaking detail even when the details have become boring to them. They discuss toys with friends, proof read dozens of times, deal with defects and argue with delivery services. The types of reviewers I like to read research materials and compatibility. They double and triple check waterproof capabilities and try toys in ways they would not normally use them, all in the name of a good review. *I wouldn’t be surprised if consistently bad reviews disqualified you from reviewing.
It’s all about experience.
I call bullshit. In fact, most quality review programs have something to say about experience: keep it limited and keep it relevant. I believe this guideline is in place for good reason. Quite simply put, your personal experience can never predict someone else’s personal experience. Furthermore, sometimes I can’t even predict how well a toy will work for me despite being myself. Hard facts generally give consumers a better idea of whether or not a toy will work for them.
Every toy is awesome!!!!
No, it’s not. Toys are made of potentially dangerous materials. Toys break. Defects abound. Poor designs can actually cause pain. And sometimes even a toy which is awesome just does not cut it for me. I wish it weren’t so but it is. In an effort to produce a good review, however, I will try to explain to you why the toy might be awesome for others even if my experience failed (see above).
Sex toy reviewing makes your sex life so much fun!
I won’t lie, it can. It can be a great “excuse” to get your partner or even just yourself to try something new. It can make masturbation or sex more pleasurable. Maybe you’ll have it more frequently. But there’s a big downside to it all. It can get mechanical. Pretty soon you start looking at everything as all numbers and sizes and materials and compatibilities. Like anything which starts out fun but becomes a “job” of any sort, you can forget to smile, to enjoy yourself. Plus, not every partner is okay with the idea of sex toy reviewing. Your sex life can actually take the back burner without even realizing it and sex toys can be pretty intimidating. There are just times when reviewers need to step back from toys so you can enjoy sex — solo or with others — again.
You will be the best reviewer ever.
I am always so excited when I embark upon a new adventure. Sometimes my ego swells a bit and I imagine myself taking the place by storm, making “thank you” speeches while holding flowers. It just doesn’t work that way. Every program has different expectations and limitations. It takes time to learn the ropes and to excel. I like to think I’ve done that but if you look at some of my first reviews on the blog or EdenFantasys, you will see I was not amazing when I started.
Reviewers are loose sluts.
There are a whole bunch of myths about the type of people who use sex toys and then to have the nerve to write about it! The truth is, the reviewer friends I have made are all extremely different. Males and females, some folks who don’t fit any category. Straight, gay, queer, bi and more. Young and old. Some have a lot of sex with the same person, no sex at all, or some casual sex. In fact, it seems that reviewers are just as likely to be the “girl next door” as they are to be the promiscuous one. No single generalization really applies, except maybe that they do like sexual sensations and are mature enough to write about it in a helpful way. Also, just to remind you, the vagina is a muscle which does not stretch out!
A good writer will never struggle with a review.
There are certain types of reviews I just find more challenging. Switching up the format can be difficult, too. I think all reviewers, no matter their writing talents, have days where words just refuse to flow in a way that sounds good and makes sense. It’s to be expected and if you experience it, don’t sweat it.
It’s all about the reviews.
Although I pride myself on writing helpful reviews and I spend a lot of time on them, I know that the reviews themselves are frequently not the end game. The truth is, reviews (especially offsite reviews) offer publicity and exposure. They bring in potential customers. In addition to this, links and keywords work to raise a website’s (the store you review for) search engine rank. Sometimes that is just more important than content.
Reviewers have a direct line to manufacturers.
As much as I’d like, this isn’t true most of the time. Most of the companies I work with are stores, not manufacturers. I assume some manufacturers read my reviews but the fact of the matter is, I review products which have already been designed and created. I am not a beta tester. My complaints do not necessarily mean a change will happen. Even if manufacturers contact me because they want that sort of criticism, nothing might happen because of it. My power is limited.
We talk about sexuality, so we want to talk about it with you.
No, just no. Unless we initiate the conversation, we probably don’t want to be having it. Back off. The same goes for pictures and videos.

To all your reviewers, what misconceptions did you originally have? Is there something I missed or something you find people assume? Let me know in the comments.

14 Comments

Categories: Articles

Best Women’s Erotica 2009

April 18th, 2010

Best Women's Erotica Book - 2009

Best Women's Erotica Book - 2009
$19.99 from Amazon

Okay, so I may be a year late but I am no hardcore erotica collector. I mean, I’ve enjoyed a story here and there, but I usually opt for a toy over a book. Still, it’s nice to switch things up a bit and that’s exactly what I did when I requested Best Women’s Erotica 2009 to review. Not only does it not vibrate, but it’s in a different series than any I’ve read before. ‘

This volume has a hot cover. It’s not entirely explicit, but it just draws me in. A dark-haired, fair-skinned woman lies on the floor in the corner with a fishnetted leg against either wall. At first glance, she appeared to be wearing ballet slippers, but they were, in fact, heels. The deep red of the wall is just a sensual colour.

The first few pages contain an introduction by editor Violet Blue. Even her introduction to the content of this book is a somewhat erotic story about mythological Persephone. This leads to an absolutely enthralling depiction of Peter Pan’s Tigerlily and her sexual frustrations. Although I do not particularly remember Tigerlily, Valerie Alexander does a stand up job of bringing a sexualized version of Never Neverland to life in “Fly.” It gets you excited for what the rest of the collection will have.

And then Best Women’s Erotica 2009 falls flat on its face, having done the exact opposite of “saving the best for last.” No, it gives it to you first and every other story pales in comparison. Sure, there are lots of themes: straight, gay and in between, BDSM, toys, anal sex, voyeurism, sex in public, roleplaying and more. And, in general, the writing is superb and the editing slick. Although, there is one story in particular, which I won’t name, that seems so sub-pay I can’t believe it actually made it into the book. There are authors whom I’ve read and enjoyed before. It’s safe to say that many have been previously published; this isn’t their first rodeo.

Yet, the entire volume is almost completely lackluster. Where it gets my attention at all, I find the stories to be too drawn out. Some of the pieces seemed to just go on forever and not even in the name of build-up; there were pieces that simply didn’t know where to end. I know that erotica is subjective, but there are usually 2 or 3 pieces that I really like in any given collection and a handful more I will enjoy upon rereading but may not necessarily remember. Most of the stories in this book, however, I forgot by the next time I picked up the book with only a day or so in between!

I suspect that maybe I shouldn’t be reading “Women’s” erotica. Maybe I need something more direct, less sensual, shorter. Perhaps I am not the right audience. Maybe I want to read less about love and sweet encounters (not that there isn’t more to be found in this volume). I concede and accept that. I’m still sort of shocked I didn’t enjoy myself more.

In fact, as I try to recall just what it is that I liked about other stories I’ve read, it strikes me that Best Women’s Erotic 09 is deeply rooted in reality – save for the Peter Pan story. There’s no tentacle sex, bestiality, or other fantasy. Essentially, there is nothing really different or unique. In fact, some of the stories are more than a little cliche, like the one about a woman having sex with her dance instructor. I just need something more out of the box.

Maybe if you prefer in-the-box, reality-rooted erotica with more sensuality than you might normally have, you’d enjoy Best Women’s Erotic ’09. I don’t know.

6 Comments

Categories: Books, Reviews

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Zen Tranquility

April 16th, 2010

Zen Tranquility

Zen Tranquility
N/A from

This is an archived review of a discontinued toy.

Zen Tranquility, a vibrator also known as Sabar Zen, is supposedly a designer vibrator by Michael Young. “Who?” you might ask. Well, I’d love to tell you but I don’t know. Some sources say he’s a watch designer, to which I say, “Good for you. Don’t quit your day job.” Actually, some sources call him Michael Yang, which is interesting. Perhaps because he is Hong Kong-based, who knows? Anyway, this contemporary vibrator is supposed to be some sort of affordable luxury but, for what it does, isn’t much of either.

The Zen Tranquility is made of hard, slick plastic. It’s really shiny, but, for some reason, I do not find it to seem very luxurious. Perhaps it’s the way that it smudges and picks up fingerprints like crazy, marring the otherwise reflecting surface. Perhaps it’s the cheap feel of the battery cap as it’s inserted and removed from the larger end with a click. Sometimes, it even turns on when I put the cap back on, and the controls won’t respond to turn it off. It just does not feel quality. Oh, that’s right, it’s another California Exotics toy. Not that I have anything against them, it’s just that they tend to slap famous names on their toys to make them sell but the designs are usually just as cheap.

I have to admit at first appearance, the Zen Tranquility looks pretty interesting. That’s part of the reason I selected it. The glossy plastic adds to the contemporary feel provided by the curves. This 6.5″ vibe curves slightly upward if resting on a flat surface. Each end is also curved, with the vibrator growing in thickness toward the end with the buttons. The smaller end has a diameter of slightly over 1″, while the larger end has a diameter of just under 1.6″.

The curve of the toy is gentle. It will work to stimulate some G-spots but not necessarily all. The tapered curve of the usable side provides pinpoint stimulation, and the vibrations are focused right there. This might make it a good choice if you like pinpoint clitoral stimulation, too.

There are long indentations along both sides, which are intended to be finger holds. However, they are only useful if you hold your hand in a certain position (resting atop the vibrator, the heel of your hand toward the buttons), and I do not. It’s like this toy was designed by someone who doesn’t understand the concept of ergonomics but wants to.

The vibrations are controlled by two buttons on the wider end. Technically, it’s one button, and you press either the + or – side to adjust it. The soft button is easy to press, and I haven’t had any issues with it not knowing which side I am pressing. However, it may be too easy to press and has turned on in my FYN Toybox a handful of times. The position of the controls makes them likely to be bumped. When powered on, this button glows red, which is handy.

There are several levels of continuous vibration and they flow together smoothly when adjusting. This might be good for someone who doesn’t like their vibration levels to be spaced too far apart, but it makes it difficult to tell exactly how many levels there are. There might be 8. Maybe.

Powered by 2 AAA batteries, the Zen Tranquility is decently powerful but no Hitachi. The vibrations are surprisingly deep on the lower levels but become more shallow as the level increases. I find this to be quite common with a lot of toys powered by AAAs. The higher settings do tickle my hand uncomfortably.

This vibrator is not especially quiet, detracting from its “luxury.” It won’t wake the dead, but it might be a dead giveaway to folks in the same room or home.

I don’t need much vibration to get off, but I just found the plastic to be both uncomfortable and unremarkable. There is absolutely no texture to speak of, and the gradual curve of the shaft can’t “hook” on anything. However, this means you don’t need a lot of lubrication for insertion. Frankly, I found the Zen Tranquility to be a bit, well, boring.

This vibrator does come with a storage pouch but it’s pretty cheap. It’s a stiff velour type and is only just longer and wider than the toy itself. When the bag is cinched closed, the Zen Tranquility is pretty snug. The cinch strings are about 1.75″ on either side of the opening which I find ridiculously short, too.

To put it bluntly, the Zen Tranquility is a wolf in sheep’s clothing. Once you look a little closer, the facade fades pretty quickly. It’s not a horrible vibrator but it’s definitely not worth $70. I’d happily pay about half that, maybe a little more. You can get some fairly comparable products (Magnifique by Natural Contours, for example) for even less than that.

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Categories: Reviews, Vibrators

This is Why Your Online Sex Toy Store Sucks

April 12th, 2010

Don’t deny it.

  • There is no “new additions” page.
  • There is no way to arrange products by price.
  • Options for product arrangement exist but do not work.
  • Users cannot tell which category a toy falls into.
  • All your prices fall in the under $30 dollar range.
  • All your products fall in the over $75 range.
  • Both of the above.
  • Any category contains less than five items.
  • There are no page navigation links (“Page 1”, “Page 2,” “Next,” and “Previous”) on both the top and bottom of the page.
  • Links take the user to a different part of the site without indicating how to return to where they were before.
  • Different colors are listed as separate products. (Personal comment: cut it the fuck out!).
  • You have no concept of material safety.
  • Items are described with manufacturer-supplied images or descriptions.
  • And the generic supplied information isn’t even listed with the correct toy.
  • Toys that are in no way safe for anal play are recommended for anal play.
  • Your site is just an affiliate shop.
  • Your site has only been tested in one browser.
  • The home/index page links to sections that cannot be found via any other page.
  • Every toy is made of jelly.
  • Every porno you stock is straight.
  • You rename products from their box name.
  • The images in your shop: do not work, have been resized until the subject is unrecognizable, are taken in light that even bats would find low, are only icon sized, are of the wrong product, include more than 2 products which are not included and/or are intended to grossly misrepresent the size of the product.

Let’s be honest here, all of these things fall into one of two categories: site usability and product selection. If your site is so horrendous that we cannot use it, we sure as shit ain’t buying from it. And while I don’t expect every toy store to stocks tens of thousands of items, having variety in styles, prices and toy materials is a must. In fact, I would never suggest only stocking high end items because that puts your shop in a niche which I will never have need for. Me? I just want a site which I can browse and enough product variety that something will catch my fancy.

5 Comments

Categories: Shopping

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Zone Bliss Purple

April 10th, 2010

Zone Bliss Purple

Zone Bliss Purple
N/A from

The Zone Bliss is a uniquely designed vibrator which automatically earns brownie points for a couple characteristics:

  • It looks like a rocket ship
  • It can be used hands free
  • The base is made of sturdy plastic while the insertable portion is a removable silicone sleeve
  • It’s surprisingly strong
  • The controls are super easy to use

But it falls short in several key ways:

  • The design blocks access to the clit (when used vaginally) unless it is turned so the buttons are unreachable
  • It’s too short for me to actually kneel over
  • The base is too large for me to sit on
  • The texture does not add stimulation
  • The shape is not ideal for storage

The design, although original, is straightforward. A cone shape points upward, resting upon tripod. As I mentioned, the base itself is plastic, and the cone is sheathed in a removable silicone sleeve. This makes cleaning a breeze; you can wipe down the plastic and wash the sleeve with soap and water or clean it with a bleach solution. I was worried about lubes or liquids finding their way beneath the sleeve but, thus far, it has not been a problem. It’s perfectly ‘sealed.’

However, this toy is far from problematic. From the initial insertion, I struggled to find any position in which I could use the Zone Bliss comfortably. I tried kneeling and sitting to no avail. I could not kneel low enough for even half insertion, and the hard plastic of the base pushed uncomfortably when I tried to sit. Some bodies might work better for this, and then, conceivably, the Zone Bliss could rest on an even surface (the legs all have little rubber feet on them, which also dampens the noise of it vibrating against the surface). I bet this would work better in a kneeling position over a firm-ish pillow (perhaps one of the Liberator shapes).

I could use it a little more successfully on my back, with legs up. I was also able to achieve full insertion with this method, but even with the Zone Bliss fully inserted, I experienced more issues.

The two buttons to control this vibrator are on one of the legs. To reach the buttons, I situate this leg so it’s in front of me, but then it blocks access to my clit, and the side legs fight for position where my thighs are. So I can rotate the toy so that no legs are directly in front of me, but then the buttons are not really accessible. It seems to me that it would make more sense to put the buttons on the bottom.

Other than that, the soft plastic buttons are decently sized and easy to find because they’re thick. One turns the toy on and cycles upward while the other turns it off. That’s all it does: turns it off. I wish this button cycled downward, too. There are three speeds of steady vibration, which are a little buzzier than I’d like but surprisingly strong. Then again, it better be for a power source of 3 AAs. In fact, I think I’d like to see more vibrators require the extra battery. Then there are multiple pulsation modes:

  • Short-short-long pulse
  • short repeating pulses
  • This short escalating pulse thing
  • Escalation

After escalation, the steady vibration continues again instead of the toy shutting off. It’s kind of confusing. As you can guess, this toy is not the quietest I have ever owned. Most of the base seems to be hollow plastic, so the vibrations sort of reverberate through it. It’s quieter than it would be when resting on a hard surface because of the rubber feet, but this one just might be heard through a closed door.

If I could find a comfortable position, I might like the way the Zone Bliss feels inserted. I could not detect the embossed “chevron” shapes, but the short, squat shaft was appropriate filling for me without being horrendously long. It stimulated my G-spot, but it is short enough – 3.5″ – and lacks the curve that many women need for G-spot stim. Even if it weren’t a bit of a hassle, I could not recommend this toy to newbies or women who like smaller toys. At the base, the shaft has a diameter of 2″. It does taper slightly toward the tip, but much of the shaft remains around 1.5″ in diameter.

In case you were wondering, this vibe is not meant to be submerged. The battery pack clicks in and out like most remotes, so it’s definitely not waterproof.

The Zone Bliss has a lot of depth, too, which means it cannot be stored just anywhere. Your best bets are in a drawer, on a shelf, or in a deep box. I would not store it in any sort of bag. The Zone Bliss also arrives in a rather large, cylindrical plastic container, which is not at all practical for storage unless you collect unique-looking “hat boxes.”

The Zone Bliss is really the sort of toy that is best for people who like to have novelty toys but don’t necessarily mind if those toys are not all that practical.

2 Comments

Categories: Reviews, Vibrators

Ina Nutshell

April 9th, 2010

Ina is a high quality toy, easy to use and offers a surprising amount of power. It will probably always remain the best G-spot vibrator I will ever try and I may now be a gusher but, as a rabbit? It completely and utterly fails. Anyone wanna trade me a Mona?

3 Comments

Categories: Everything Else

lingerie

Lelo Lily

April 6th, 2010

Lily

Lily
N/A from

Lelo is now on the Lily 3, which you can buy here.

Now, I have never had one of those hot stone massages, but I’ve seen pictures or maybe seen it in the movies, and the Lily by Lelo absolutely reminds me of those small, ergonomic stones. Except this tiny vibrator is designed to caress your most intimate parts while in the palm of your hand, not to do whatever it is that hot stone massage actually does. The black version, which I bought, does remind me quite a bit of a small stone. Granted, Lily is much lighter than any stone would be.

Lily is my first vibratory purchase from Lelo. I had admired it for quite some time but the complaints of low power turned me off. Still, I could not distract myself from a vibe that might work perfectly during sex.

Lily does not come charged, and because I like to use toys right away, I was a bit miffed to have to break out the charger, which sits beneath the tray. Charging was easy; there was an indicator light on the charger itself, and the buttons on Lily flash during charge. The manual indicates that Lily should not be charged for more than 24 hours, and the charge should last up to 2 hours. I took a quick look through the user manual, but Lily is incredibly easy to operate, so it’s probably not necessary.

Right out of the box, I was surprised by Lily’s size. It is only 3″ long and 2″ wide, so it easily fits in the smallest of hands. The Lily is displayed in the box so the side with the buttons faces up. There are two soft, plastic buttons: one button turns on/up the vibrations while the other turns them down/off. When the Lily is charged, the buttons will be ringed with white light. This light turns red when the vibrator needs charging. I like that the buttons are just shy of finger width which makes them easy to find and press.

Below the buttons, the world “Lelo” is embossed. Further down, on the rounded edge is the charger port. This port seems incredibly large to me so I always make sure to cover it when washing (although, a wipe or damp cloth is probably smarter than using soap and water). It would be nice if there were some cover over this port, however.

The exterior of Lily is plastic, which feels almost silky. The appearance is matte as opposed to Nea, a similar vibe that is slick, shiny plastic. I chose Lily specifically for that reason (added friction) but might have been better off choosing Nea.

Lily’s shape reminds me something of a giant bean. The back, which will sit in the palm of the hand, curves softly, while the front is more angular. The functional end comes to more of a point than the curved end where the port is, and Lily’s lines are sleek and contemporary. In use, I can hold Lily so that my thumb can reach both buttons, but the most comfortable and functional way for me to hold it actually prevents me from reaching the buttons. In addition, if Lily is cupping my mons, this completely blocks button access unless I angle it up and away from my body. This seems especially problematic when you consider how many people use vibrators like these during sex. In missionary position, with Lily between two partners, it would be difficult to push the buttons. Otherwise, Lily is only about 1/2″ thick, which makes it pretty unobtrusive during sex.

Lily’s curved shape is generally body-friendly, but I think it would be friendlier to a less fleshy body than mine. If I simply lay it over my mons, Lily will barely graze my clit. I have to apply pressure for it to fit more comfortably between my labia. I am not super fond of pointed toys, generally preferring a broad surface that I can use to stimulate my pubic bone area as opposed to simply my clit. If you like pointed toys, however, Lily might be right up your alley. Quick, wrist movements can somewhat imitate oral sex; however, this leaves me incredibly sore. So sore, in fact, that my arm muscles will hurt the next day.

Once I got the Lily situated and started playing with the vibrations, I was quickly accosted by a high-pitched whine from the motor. As I understand it, this is pretty common for digital motors but, FUCK! it’s annoying. I feel like I now know what it feels like when dogs hear noises people cannot. Aside from that, Lily only ever operates at a low hum, even on the highest setting. You might even get away with using it in the same room as someone else!

Lily does not have an amazing amount of power. The high-pitched vibrations match the high-pitched whine quite well and are entirely focused on the pointed end (another plus for pinpoint lovers). There seem to be multiple levels of continuous vibration (around 7), but they’re so close together that it’s hard to tell. There are also additional pulsation and escalation modes. For the most part, these modes lack the oomph of stronger toys. Lily is definitely best for sensitive clits or warm-up.

One of the nice functions of Lily is that it can be locked when not in use by simultaneously pressing both buttons for 5 seconds. However, I think it might be far more practical to be able to lock it during use because it’s small enough that my fingers struggle for purchase. Still, when Lily is locked and in its storage bag, it’s pretty easy to hide or even travel with.

Lily is incredibly well crafted, without a doubt. Yet, the size and strength of vibrations are not as rewarding to me as the more affordable Layaspot. I cannot honestly see myself reaching for this one frequently – a shame, considering how much I spent on it.

6 Comments

Categories: Reviews, Vibrators

Image © MisterUnlucky; used with permission.