Although it has been several months since my divorce and even longer since I really communicated with my ex, I am still surprised at how affected I remain to be by him. I have gained much insight into myself, his self and us as a couple and, perhaps, I thought I had gained all that I could from the situation. But, even now, I discover things that I would not have discovered if only because I was too close to the situation.
Lately, I am re-examining myself and the impression I have developed, which was frequently based on how he saw or treated me. My latest realization focuses on the fact that, frequently, he was not describing me or seeing me as I was but he was seeing things through a filter that had everything to do with him and little with me. One thing I have come to consider is that perhaps I am not the God-awful bitch that he described me as. Perhaps he said those things and looked at me in that way because he was an unpleasant individual and, while uncomfortable with this, was unable or unwilling to change the fact.
Lately, people have commented on my sweetness and I have had a hard time accepting this. After all, I could not be sweet, could I? Not if the person I loved always called me a bitch. I couldn’t be. I could not be the things if he did not see me as those things. And he didn’t. Why would I have questioned him? But time and space has left me questioning him and the way he treated me. No longer am I questioning myself and my own value. No, I am finding self confidence and assurance that I am a worthwhile person and much of this is due to the fact that others are taking the time to tell me that I am sweet or otherwise boost my self esteem. I would be remiss to forget to mention the truly wonderful people who have, indirectly, motivated me to discover these recent insights.It is people treating me like I am worthy and the knowledge that I deserve no less than that, that has brought me here and I am sure insights will continue to come to me.
The moral of the story is that even really smart girls can develop a fucked up complex because of douchebags.
I am so glad you are realizing this. You -are- a very sweet person. I think guys like him, assholes, try to bring you down to their level by telling you such untrue things that make you feel like shit. How many times have you heard someone say their ex told them they were awful and no one would ever love them. It’s a form of emotional abuse.
This post makes me so happy for you. <3
I don’t even think he did it on purpose. That’s the sad thing. His perspective was just that fucked up. And thank you!
Ohhhh how true that last statement was. Very insightful post, I’m happy you realized you are better than he treated you/told you you were! <3
I am happy for you that you can see so clearly that you count and matter. I wish you happiness, joy, peace and real true love.