Personally, Passionately, Anonymously Yours

October 1st, 2009

I write about sex here, on this blog, because I want to and I can. It’s really as simple as that and the internet has created a place where I can do it. What’s more, people seem to want to read what I have to say and this is great motivation to keep doing it.

Although the internet has prompted a lot of discussion and behaviour that aren’t exactly positive or productive, it has certainly created a forum for discussion of a sexual nature and I appreciate it. Whether someone finds a sympathetic shoulder, reassurance or even advice to seek medical attention, the internet has allowed people to come forward with their ideas, thoughts and concerns. This is important because sex is such a private topic that people are sometimes reluctant to discuss it even when they should, sometimes especially when they should. Not to be too dramatic but I do think that the internet has helped people make some positive decisions regarding their sexual health and that’s a priceless benefit in my opinion.

As I said, sexuality is a private thing and a personal thing. That fact makes it so interesting to so many people. Because I literally cannot replicate every possible experience, I am limited to my own mental and physical responses to sex. Even though these may (and have!) change over time, I will still only have experienced the tip of the iceberg in my lifetime. The internet allows us to share these personal experiences more freely than we might have, because of anonymity. We can see how others are more like us than we may have imagined and how others are far more different than we ever might have thought.

This sharing can affirm that, yes, we have had fairly typical experiences or that, no we haven’t. The internet can help to show us that our experiences are not typical, for better or worse, and help us to appreciate them anyway. Sex is one of those areas in which almost any discussion is good discussion. The internet offers priceless aid in this, especially if our personal lives otherwise prohibit discussion.

Of course, sex is also a passionate subject. Sure, some people could go either way but their are advocates speaking loudly on the behalf of sex as well as those who speak, just as loudly, against it. All of these opinions can be heard on the internet. If you can’t tell, I am for sex, for discussion, experimentation and understanding sex. It has become an important part of my life and I wish for others to have positive experiences like mine.

Which brings me back to why I love being able to blog here and participate in sexuality communities. It allows me do that, to help others, to offer than sympathetic shoulder or to urge medical assistance. It lets me feel as though I am helpful.

Unfortunately, the anonymity of the internet also makes it easy to say and do things without much, or any, repercussion. People can behave in ways that are not helpful and they do not need to take responsibility of their actions. Feeling passionate about a subject can illicit responses which aren’t so strong in the productivity department, even if the intent is not malicious. The anonymity of the internet can further excuse such behaviour until it eventually turns malicious.

This is what happened with some recent comments on another article of mine. I understand that the sharing on the internet sometimes winds up with messages we’d rather not hear, experiences which we do not share and opinions with which we disagree. I respect that for that is part of what makes the internet great. On the other hand, just because sex is a personal and passionate matter does not mean we have to respond in unfruitful ways. We can still agree and be productive.

We can disagree without coming off as defensive, rude or ignorant. We can read experiences which differ from our own (and share ours as well) and both experiences can be valid. Jumping to the defense or offense or posting hastily (which is often done in such an immediate environment) can prove detrimental to the positive experience of the internet, especially when it comes to sex. It is the opposite of the support some need when exploring their sexuality. That can be a difficult move for some and I commend them. In fact, negative responses can start a hurtful chain of behavior, succeeding in only exacerbating the problem.

It’s important to remember that differing opinions and experiences do not invalidate your own. Your voice is no less worthy and, in fact, being unique can be a strength, not a weakness.

The internet is big enough for all and, whatever your experience, it’s okay. It’s okay if you’re straight, gay, bi, queer or unsure. It’s okay if you’re male, female or trans. It’s okay if you experience great orgasms, multiple orgasms, difficult orgasms or no orgasm at all. It’s okay if you enjoy oral, anal or vaginal sex – or if you don’t. It’s okay if you like to masturbate, have tried it and don’t like it or if you have no descire. It’s okay if everything came naturally and easily or if you’ve struggled to explore your sexuality. It’s okay if you’re vanilla, slightly kinky or a hardcore fetishist. It’s okay if you fit the trends of break the mold. Whatever you are – it’s okay.

Let that be a message you pass on personally, passionately and anonymously, on the internet.

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Categories: Articles

What is Cheating?

August 6th, 2009

At first glance, a question like this might be easily answered by naming a specific physical activity. Most might consider sex to be cheating. Yet, anything more than a cursory glance will illustrate how difficult it is to define cheating. After all, even the definition of sex has become blurred over the years. There is vaginal, anal and oral. Then there’s phone and cybersex.

Still, others wouldn’t be comfortable with the idea of their significant engaging in an overly friendly hug. A kiss would be off limits. I would be lying if I said that certain non-physical acts would also fall under the umbrella of cheating, for me. My partner doesn’t have to touch someone to be cheating. Every relationship has actions which would make the parties involved feel cheated.

42-15701022Moreso, the advent of the internet has created new ways for people to communicate with one another and while there have been many benefits to this, there is also no doubt that it has also had negative and confusing effects. Where do online relationships and cybersex fall into the grand scheme of cheating? Do they not count because there is no physical contact or even because the parties involved may never even meet face to face?

As the number of activities one might consider cheating pile up, it becomes less clear just how to define it but perhaps that is because what activities are cheating is not the real issue. Furthermore, some couples don’t follow the standard definition of “sex equals cheating” at all. Where might polyamorists fall into the mess of things? Rather, focus on why these are activities considered being unfaithful not only sheds light on the dynamics of individual relationships but how society, in general, works. It also helps us to define cheating, at least as much as we need to.

I believe a universal definition of cheating would focus on committing any violation of the terms of the relationship, especially in regards to emotional and physical relationships with others. Doing so abuses trust that one party extends toward the other, resulting in one person feeling cheated. It is, perhaps a vague definition but it leaves it open to negotiation between the parties involved (and no one unnecessary). I think this definition works well for several reasons, highlighting important components in deciding what is right, or wrong, for your relationship.

Communication
Boundaries implies communication which means both parties have a chance to express what they are or are not comfortable with in their relationship. Because different people are comfortable with different aspects, communication clears up any grey areas. I don’t believe many people engage in accidental cheating. I don’t buy the “I slipped and fell on his dick” story. Consequently, I don’t think anyone should. 😉 Yet, I do think that some people cross the line unknowingly because they don’t set limits with their partner(s). Of course, we’re only human and cannot predict every possible turn of events so should grey area arise, I believe it is best to err on the side of caution. For example, if I said I would one day be open to a threesome and my partner brought home a third tomorrow, this would cross boundaries.
Honesty
Let’s be honest, here. People can and do talk the talk without walking the walk. Setting boundaries is pointless if we are not honest to our partners and ourselves with which things we are uncomfortable. While discussing with a friend she said she could agree to a threesome but still feel as though her husband was cheating. I gently pointed out because she was not being honest when she agreed to the terms. If she were, she would not agree.
Beyond the Physical
When I inquired to my friends and Twitter followers as to what they wanted to see, the replies about emotional infidelity were overwhelming. Not surprisingly, these comments came from women. I cannot help but wonder if this is because women are more likely to commit emotional affairs (but that is not the focus here). One thing was clear: many people consider intimate emotional relationships to be an offense just as egregious as physical adultery. In fact, some of the responses indicated that a long term emotional affair was worse than a one time physical one, with which I would have to agree. As you can surmise, both men and women also take a similar stance on about emotional or sexual relationships developed online. Unfortunately, many people feel as though they are skirting boundaries, not crossing them, when it comes to those type of liaisons because of the grey area. They use the ambiguity to their advantage, much like the zip code rule or the belief that “it’s not cheating if it’s with the same sex”. Again, if you care about hurting your partner, err on the side of caution, not cheating.
It’s you and me, baby
One thing I find crucial to defining cheating and dealing with it within our relationships is that no one but the parties involved can define cheating. This means that what is okay in your relationship it up to you, the same for me and mine. So if your definition of cheating is maybe a little more conservative than some, that’s fine. On the other hand, if you’re a little more open minded, that’s certainly okay, too. While your definition may differ from mine, it doesn’t matter. The definition of cheating doesn’t need to be universal. It just needs to work for the parties involved. There’s no one to please and no one has a right to judge. I recently participated in a conversation with the same friend from before where she felt that even if my partner and I decided to engage in an open relationship, she would still see it as cheating. I didn’t understand how it could be if we were both absolutely honest and comfortable with the situation. If neither of us felt cheated, how could it be cheating? I think I gently persuaded her that her issue was not about cheating at all but other issues and, were she able to resolve those issues, she wouldn’t feel the need to label someone else’s activities.

So what is cheating? It’s whatever you are uncomfortable within your own relationship. No one can define it for you and no one definition applies to every relationship.

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Categories: Articles

“Help! I Can’t Orgasm”

July 7th, 2009

I remember a time when I was a girl talking to a boy and I thrived on our sexually charged interactions but, when the time for us to actually have sex loomed on the horizon, I felt as though I needed to clear the air between us. I felt like a liar even though I’d never explicitly said it, I’d given him the impression that I was capable of orgasm and, because I was incapable of having an orgasm, I felt like a failure. It was almost traumatic, telling that boy my deep, dark secret and, even though that boy now teases me as the girl who used to think she would never orgasm, those same fears of failure, disappointment and even the guilt over lying are commonplace among women who are not able to achieve orgasm (yet).

You’re Not Alone

It’s frustrating to feel that way, certainly, but it’s not uncommon. The women who are in that situation vary. One common denominator is that these women often feel their age has something to do with it. Forums and chatrooms and inboxes and talk radio are full of “I’m X years old and I’ve never had an orgasm!” with X ranging from 18 – 80. There’s a certain sense of living life unfulfilled, especially the older they are. The younger women often seem to feel that, because they are apart of a generation which considers sex a given and information is so freely available via the internet, that they must be broken if they have not been able to orgasm.

Either way, women of all ages (and elasticities and locations and sexual orientations, so on and so forth) are no stranger to lack of orgasm. It’s neither a young woman’s problem or an old woman’s problem or a white woman’s problem or a straight woman’s problem. It’s not even a problem that affects only those who do not masturbate or only those who are lacking proper sex education or only those who have selfish partners.

And advice which assumes any of those things tends to come off as too general to be helpful. They tell you “practice makes perfect” so get to masturbating and, that’s true, unless you’re practicing incorrectly. They tell you communication is key and that’s also true, unless you don’t know what to communicate or your partner doesn’t care. They tell you it’s easier with a caring partner but that doesn’t make it easy. They tell you to be comfortable with your own skin but they don’t tell you how. I think you get the picture.

You’re Not a Freak

What they don’t often tell you is that it’s okay not to orgasm. The fact is, that some women and, yes, even some men cannot and will not no matter how much time they spend at it. Of course, it’s hard to believe that when everywhere we turn, we’re told that the goal (maybe even the point of sexuality) is orgasm. That’s what movies tell us when beautiful stars erotically explode – and simultaneously, no less! – on screen. It’s even reflected when sex ends as our male partners orgasm. If their end-game is orgasm, shouldn’t ours be? It’s a belief deeply steeped in tradition.

I’d like to challenge that belief. If you stare to fixedly on that goal, you’ll miss the other pleasures – both physical and emotional – sex has to offer. Does oral sex feel any less good if I don’t orgasm? No. Does orgasm necessarily make intercourse more worth the while? No. Does lack of orgasm detract from emotional intimacy? Again, no. I’d like to stress that sex can still be highly rewarding for all parties despite a lack of orgasm. In fact, many people consistently enjoy having sex without having orgasm, without even thinking that something is lacking from their sex lives.

Because it’s not.

Orgasm is bonus and even though I’ve had my fair share, it’s not something I rely on. Even if I feel frustration, and it’s certainly human, I’ve learned to let it go. Maybe next time, maybe not. Either way it’s okay. And it’s that letting go which is essential. More than one woman has been able to experience orgasm only after she stops trying for it. Orgasms have surprised the unexpecting during long and luxurious sexual sessions with no goal in sight just as they have come upon women who are doing no more than the laundry or reading a book. And a welcome surprise it is but it’s only the cherry on top of the sundae.

Not only is it normal to have difficult achieving orgasm or to not be able to but it’s okay if that doesn’t change. It’s okay if that’s not your goal. It’s okay if it is, too, but you shouldn’t spend so much time working toward it that sex actually becomes a negative, unpleasant experience. It’s okay to be however you are.

Experimentation is Key

Sometimes it’s the case that women who are struggling with orgasm have masturbated and just haven’t gotten much from it. They may not have experimented with different styles or focuses of masturbation, which I have touched on before. The same can be said for sex.

  • If you have previously focused on internal, vaginal stimulation, try clitoral stimulation or even stimulation of other areas of the body like the nipples.
  • If you’re focused on fingers or a penis, try a sex toy.
  • If you’re tried vibration to no luck, try stroking or tapping or twisting.
  • If you normally masturbate lying, try sitting, leaning, squatting, or on all fours.
  • If missionary sex is your repertoire, expand it to include doggie style, girl on top, spooning, or side by side sex.
  • If you only participate in PIV, try oral, manual stimulation, anal or a combination of several.
  • Try stimulating the back wall of the vagina, instead of the front, or the areas around the clitoris instead of the clitoris itself.

But don’t do anything if it’s uncomfortable, stressful or otherwise unpleasurable. Remember to enjoy yourself.

Check Your Head Space

Unfortunately, orgasm is that much more likely to happen if you do experiment so reluctance to engage on sexual activity is not very conducive to achieving your goal. If you have mental hang ups regarding your body, your relationship or your sexuality, you will need to work through them and some of them may even be bigger than you alone can handle.

I highly recommend talking to your partner about the feelings and thoughts you have; our partners can be our greatest resources (especially when it comes to feeling good about ourselves) when it comes to sexual frustration and often desire no more than to make us happy but don’t always know how. On the other hand, if you are unwilling or unable to talk with your partner (or they are), then your inability to orgasm could easily be linked to unhappiness stemming from your relationship. Especially for women, happiness inside the bedroom starts outside of it.

Sometimes simply discussion with family or friends can relieve what has plagued us for years. Connecting with others who share your concerns may be key to unlocking the issue and you may be able to find a support group either locally or online – like these on WebMD. Just browsing the internet or reading a magazine which is sex positive can help you realize that sexuality and exploration are both normal and healthy, and by association, so is exploration of those facets of your life.

Whatever your issue, a self help book, which enables you to delve deeper into the root of the problem instead of simply the symptom (inability to orgasm), may do the trick; they can be especially helpful with tips to help improve self image. However, sometimes problems are so large that we need to seek outside, professional help. Although taking that step can be frightening and finding a professional who is right for you can be frustrating in itself, and involve its own trial and error, it can open to doors to being a more fulfilling satisfaction in your sex life and other areas.

Of course, in today’s world where information is freely available online, many of these resources from books to support groups to professionals can be had from the comfort of ones own home (and without the apprehension one may feel at reaching out). You might try Googling “Sex Positive Professional in [Your Location]”, “sexuality support groups”, “improving self image” or “communication about sex with your partner” for starters. There are absolutely no limits to finding information just as there should be no limits when it comes to expressing your sexuality in a healthy and pleasurable manner, whether or not orgasm is included.

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Categories: Articles

The Ins and Outs of Female Masutrbation

June 9th, 2009

It’s been a while since my last article and I apologize. Inspiration is sometimes fleeting. Also, I admit it: I think the title is pretty clever.

In one of my previous articles, I touched on just how unknown female sexuality is to males and females alike. Female masturbation is a sometimes overlooked aspect of female sexuality and although I like to consider myself somewhat enlightened about sex, much of the world is is still in the dark about the subject.

While some of us are avid connoisseurs have been masturbating for what seems like a lifetime, there are a few who aren’t even aware that, yes, females can masturbate. Some women stimulate themselves without even realize what they’re doing. It’s likely that some of those ladies are the ones who don’t know females can masturbate.

Heads up!

Females can masturbate. Without exploration, some women would never know about these powerful little buttons which can be so key so sexual pleasure. We can touch ourselves or use objects like vibrators or even pillows or teddy bears to make ourselves feel good. And you may have been doing it since you were just a little girl, developing you masturbatory style subconsciously. Many times, these styles focus on one external sweet spot, as opposed to internal stimulation: the clitoris.

Unfortunately, the clitoris isn’t really stimulated during sex, without making a point of it. Sex doesn’t simulate masturbation. Nor does masturbation tend to simulate sex (although some females focus on internal masturbation, the clitoris usually takes center stage). This leaves all parties involved confused as to just how get a woman off. The media portrays men as having not a clue and, in order to perform well, they need instructions like the secret book in American Pie. Unfortunately, it’s not just the men who don’t understand their partners; females have just as difficult time understanding their own bodies and the masturbation techniques which can work best for them.

The fact of it is, male masturbation is pretty obvious. It’s easy to simulate intercourse and it works. That’s not to say that it can’t be expanded upon but it doesn’t need to be and there’s a lot less grey area. Female masturbation, on the other hand, isn’t always so cut and dry. Mimicking intercourse doesn’t necessarily cut it for a lot of women, yet that is the accepted expectation. Although it seems like that are a lot more variations to female masturbation, it may take more work to uncover them than with male masturbation.

Female Masturbation
I wonder just what she’s doing?

The aforementioned teddy bears and pillows are high on the list of what a young girl may have used to masturbate. I preferred a blanket and never considered using my stuffed animals for such intimate matters but I was apart of the humping school of thought. Sometimes I gravitate back toward the ol’ blanket method, balled up between my legs, but these days I also find a lover’s thigh or even face make wonderful humping instruments as well – and away I grind – for humping involves a lot of hip.

Of course, like males, we also have built in masturbate toys: our hands. Using a palm for diffuse pressure or fingers to stroke, tap, pinch and rub provide various methods of stimulation. Another popular selling point of fingers any hands are that they’re super portable; if you dare it, you can masturbate just about anywhere.

Another group of female masturbators have come to love water play. Whether it’s the spray of a removable shower head or the flow of a tub faucet, women have been using water to creatively stimulate genitals for who-knows-how-long. And what better place to get dirty than when cleaning up privately, in the bathroom?

Another popular method of masturbation (which is not just limited to the vaginally-enabled like) is thigh and muscles squeezing. Although I could never get off from squeezing my thighs alone, I recall doing so whilst sitting in class, prompting arousal while no one else was none the wiser. Some believe that squeezing thighs muscles indirectly stimulates the clitoris but I personally felt arousal within – it was G-spot stimulation. This could be a result of squeezing PC muscles (subconsciously) along with thighs muscles.

I would not pretend that internal stimulation isn’t pleasurable for many women, because it is, and I know I wasn’t the only girl who experimented with a taper candle. Honestly, the jokes about bananas, cucumbers and hot dogs did have to start somewhere. They’re just a sampling of the objects girls have perverted into makeshift dildos and almost anything with a handle can work: brushes, lint rollers, ice cream scoops, razors and flashlights all serve nefarious purposes that some would never suspect. But while others were discovering which buttons to press vaginally, I soon found myself traveling a different road.

Let us not forget the ever popular vibrator. Internal, external, dual stimulators (and sometimes more) are staples in many a nightstand. While I would never presume to downplay the significance of these instruments, as many women who have been sexual frustrated have finally found release through mechanical friends, it is usually not the first step in our natural progression of masturbation. At least, I find myself using vibrators (and dildos) in ways that can be used similarly to how I masturbated without toys.

This article by no means covers every method of female masturbation. I knew of a women who would lean forward, one leg in front, while she ground her clit against her heel. Women have been enjoying the vibrations of household appliances (spin cycle, anyone?) for years. Many women are turned on and can achieve orgasm through the seam of their jeans rubbing against their vulva. And masturbation is not limited to genitals, alone. I would hazard a guess that nearly all body parts can be stimulated to produce orgasm.

Female masturbation is still a more taboo subject than its male counterpart which is unfortunate because even the tip of this iceberg is more vast than some male masturbation routines ever will be. I can personally attest to the merits of every method listed, even if I prefer some over the others and I invite all women to do so because masturbation is healthy.

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Categories: Articles

Firsts

May 6th, 2009

From birth, we are trained to commemorate our “firsts.” There is an entire self-publishing platform marketed for these firsts. It is called a babybook. And into these books for locks of hair and hand prints and those first tiny baby booties that seem too small to be real. Other, less tangible and sometimes more bulky, memories fit into the baby book in the form of photos or stories and we fawn over the books almost as much as the babies until, somehow, someway, they wind up in the bottom of a drawer or in the back of the attack, gathering dust.

But that is neither here nor there. However it does go to show that, as a society, we obsess over firsts. It’s in our veins, if you will. Sex is no exception, either. In fact, it might be the epitome of firsts. The “big one”. Virginity. Of course, we don’t put pictures of that in a book (well, some might).

There is a fine line to walk. Certainly I think making that the decision to lose one’s virginity should not be done so lightly. On the other hand, it placing too much significance on the cherry poppin’ can cause a lot of unnecessary stress.

I told all this to a good friend who felt a bit left out. Perhaps “left out” is not the right way to describe it. She was sick and tired of the world saying “But you don’t know what you’re missing!” and feeling like a freak. Yet, she was also afraid of all of that inevitable stuff; you know, the pain and bleeding, the emotional trauma and heartbreak after he leaves. She wanted it to be perfect, like in the movies.

Having sex for the first time is a lot of things, but perfect isn’t one of them. I told her that. I told her that if she waits forever she may miss out on something worthwhile but if she really wasn’t ready, she didn’t have to prove anything to anyone, not even herself.

“It’s easy for you to say,” she responded. Maybe it is easy for me to say. Maybe the decision was easier for me. After all, I lost it to someone who I loved and who loved me in return. I was in a happy, long term and, until 3 days before the act, long distance relationship. There was never any doubt as to whether or not it would happen, just when (quickly, if you didn’t catch on).

And I married my first, which some might think as a happy ending. Although, truthfully, there’s some sacrifice to it, too. I probably won’t ever have the opportunity to explore my sexuality with anyone else, a fact which is both comforting yet frightening at the same time. Of course, one could argue that he does not get to explore anymore of his sexuality with anyone else but we all know that I am the best he’ll ever have in all ways. 😉 (And really, I like to think that what we bring to the table for one another makes it worthwhile in the end.)

I guess I was lucky, too. My first time wasn’t painful or bloody. It wasn’t necessarily pleasureful and while it was awkward and not glorious, it felt right. It wasn’t a drunken one night stand. He didn’t break up with me the next day and while it wasn’t all fireworks, I wouldn’t call it disappointing. But I think I went into it with realistic expectations. I think that’s harder for females to do. Sex mimics masturbation for guys and most of them have done so by their first time but it’s not like that at all for girls. We hear the horror stories and we expect to feel like a chainsaw is ripping us apart. Apprehension runs rampant when you fear for your life.

I didn’t expect anything to change, and it didn’t. Except that we were now having sex all the time and I could talk about it with my other deflowered friends (Hey, it was cool). That is crucial to making a memory of your first time that will make you smile rather than haunt you from there on out. My friend, like many people, thought that sex will change something, sometimes something that has been horribly wrong with the relationship as long as anyone can remember.

But sex is not a miracle cure. To be cliche, sex is like putting a band-aid over a bullet hole. Even if it does seem to work, at first, it won’t be long term. Frequently, the wound festers even more because of the superficial healing. When everything comes out, it’s that much worse.

Which was why I shied away from telling her to go for it. In a healthy relationship, sex can do a lot for you but he had been pressing for sex for months and she had simply wanted him to apply himself to their relationship. I had my suspicions and, like the good friend who lets others make their own mistakes, kept my mouth shut. Needless to say, I wasn’t surprised when the outcome was a little disappointing. Things may have seemed better initially but the same problems resurfaced.

And she felt hurt. She had given him something you could never put a price on and his actions seemed to disregard her gift. Her feelings, while understandable, also reflect the disappointment of countless people who expect too much for sex, either out of desperation or because they simply don’t know what to expect.

In the end, no one can prepare you. You can be prepared for the worst but, then, you won’t ever be able to reap the benefits of sex. You can expect Hollywood with perfect bodies and simultaneous, screaming orgasm. You can put your life on hold waiting for the impossible. Or you can accept that it will happen how it happens, knowing that the fantasies we entertain can never be reality.

A little awkwardness will not ruin everything. It may even make the memory sweeter. In the end, you won’t be left with a photograph of what went wrong, but of the feelings of the moment. If you’re too busy lamenting and picky at the faults, it won’t be much of a feeling.

You only have one “first” with sex but, just like anything else, you have plenty of time to get it right, even if things don’t turn out as expected.

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Categories: Articles

The Mysteries of Female Sexuality

April 19th, 2009

The female body, ever mysterious; men have been trying to divine its meaning and function for years to no avail. This fact is often a point of laughter among those who wear said body and a point of frustration among groups of men who share their foibles. Sadly, the mystery of the female body, while alluring, is not one to just the lesser sex (I kid) but to those who have spent their entire life in the body as well.

I can’t tell you the number of times a woman my age has shown ignorance about her own body. Worse yet, woman the age of my mother and grandmother seem to know even less and these are the women who are passing on knowledge to the woman who will come after them. Fortunately, sex and body education is growing increasingly more helpful and accurate but it means not all women have the same information regarding their bodies. Indeed, some women even have inaccurate information which was fed to them as a means of deterring them from sex. They believe their genitals and even their sexuality is something which is dirty and shameful and should be treated with such regard. They are not encouraged to explore or enjoy themselves. They are simply a receptacle for production and while I could never belittle the strength it takes to be a mother, I can also never stress enough how important those same parts and systems are to female sexuality and how beneficial it can be. Thus, it’s no surprise that I do encourage healthy sex education.

I am surprised, however, when I hear from people near my age who still carry with them inaccurate or incomplete sexual information. After all, my own sex education, while not the best ever, seemed to be far ahead of the pack in many aspects. So, when a female peer looks at me in shock when I mention that, yes, females can masturbate, I tend to return just the same look. Why is it that women seem strangers to their own bodies? What is the big gender difference that makes being a man and having a penis more acceptable than being a woman with a vagina?

I think a large portion of our misunderstanding when it comes to the female body is due to the fact that it is simply less accessible than the male body. Whereas males can easily find and manipulate their sexual parts, location and successful stimulation for females can be much more difficult. Consider that there is a generally acceptable mode of masturbation for men but not so much for females; perhaps this is simply due to the fact that it is easier to understand what we can see. After all, fear of the unknown is nothing new to humankind. Our internal parts are not the only ones difficult to spot; even our external genitals are less obvious than those of our male counterparts.

I have read, on multiple occasions, that females should take the time to get to know their body with their eyes. For those of us who are not astounding gymnasts, I would suggest using a small hand or makeup mirror to become more familiar and comfortable with our parts. If a mirror is out of the question, it would also work to take a picture. If you have a digital camera, you can examine and delete it without anyone else discovering it.

However, there’s one big disadvantage to being female and knowing your body well and that is menstruation. While I know there are some women who feel blessed to be female and are ecstatic over menstrual bleeding, I am not one. And I’m not alone in dreading the one week a month when my body seems to want to work against me and my hormones fluctuate without warning.

The drawback to knowing your body is knowing what it can do and not all of those things are pleasant. When bleeding is a prominent component, it’s easy to apply the word “dirty” to female sexuality. Even if no one around us holds those negative attitudes, it’s easy enough to think negatively about ourselves. When you add in moodiness and irritability that menstruation frequently causes, it can easily become a downward spiral and add negative overtones to our sexuality. Shame is only a short step away, especially if those about us enforce those attitudes.

Of course, this alone does not have to be a road block to exploration and understanding of our sexual selves. While I do not relish menstruation, I do not hate my body or sexuality either. If nothing else, I grew tolerant of the way my body worked despite its differences from my male peers.

Those differences can also enforce negative attitudes and the proliferation of false truths about female sexuality. Men and women have always had their differences and only in the recent past has the idea of “different but equal” arose. True, men and women excel in different ways but for too long these differences were seen as irrefutable proof that the male gender exceeded the female gender. These differences were used to control and own people in a way that most would now agree is unethical.

For thousands of years, women were told they could not work outside the home, be members of the military or even vote. For thousands of years, women were taught to be subservient and to please their husbands. Their wants and their needs always coming in second place, if they even placed at all. It took many generations for these ideals to become ingrained in countless societies and I have no doubt it will take just as many generations for new ideals to be adopted, no matter how contemporary we may think ourselves to be.

And these differences? These inequalities? They must exist for a reason. Women must suffer with the “monthly curse” for a reason. Instead of our differences being used to further society, women dealt with the stigma that they were intrinsically inferior to men because of some historic sin (perhaps the forbidden fruit?), rendering them less important, less human than men. Why would they explore these differences when they represent such shame?

At surface level, I am shocked by just how far we have to go in understanding the female body and by association, female sexuality. Still, when I consider all the contributing factors, such as how women have been regarded for thousands of years, the attitudes which have become second nature to us and how our bodies can sometimes feel like our enemies by “hiding” our most sexual parts or bleeding once a month, the mystery begins to unravel. When we see that, we can also see that there is nothing wrong with exploring our bodies and sexuality.

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Categories: Articles

What to Say When She’s Tied Up

March 29th, 2009

The other day, a newbie joined a community of which I am a member. This person posted on the forums asking for help. You see, his wife had recently expressed to him her desire to be dominated and while he wanted to help, he wasn’t exactly sure how. I suspect this loving husband was not the only one who was confused. It seemed as though the wife, although she had acted as a “freaky lady” (his adoring words, not mine) was also confused about what she wanted. Perhaps she felt shame or embarrassment or was simple as uncertain about what steps to take to explore this new side of her sexuality.

She was able to eventually explain that while, yes, the physical was a turn on, it was really the words that got her juices flowing the most. As a fellow word lover, I can understand. Her husband, as eager as he was to assist, just didn’t know exactly what to say in the bedroom in order to give his wife the dominance she desired.

I found his plea for help refreshing and the way he wanted to work with his wife to explore this was touching. Although no expert in BDSM, I have been interested for many years. I might also I have played out many a BDSM fantasy in my head (sometimes as masturbation fodder, yes) and I thought I would give him a few suggestions.

  • Use words and nicknames which designate that she is the one without power. IE: little, girl, mine, bitch, slut, whore, etc (“Daddy’s girl,” “You’re such a slut for me,” “What do we have here? A cock hungry little girl?” “Do you like it when I do X”)
  • Require permission for things like switching positions, stopping oral, taking off clothes (yours, hers or both), getting in a certain position, etc and inflict punishment when this is ignored. (“Did I say you could do that?” spank when she does not ask permission or ignores)
  • Require her to address you in a certain way (“Sir” “Master”)
  • Tease and/or offer things in a manner which reminds her who is in charge (“wouldn’t you like that?” “you want me to go down on you, do you?” “Do you think you deserve X?”)
  • Use words like “allow” “give” “permission” “acceptance” when referring to letting her do/have something while she uses terminology which says she wants you to do X rather than “we do X.”
  • Make her “earn” treats such as oral, vaginal or anal sex, massage or her favourite position and show gratefulness for what you do (If you grant permission, require her to say “Thank You” or show it! “What do you say when I allow you to do X?”).
  • Require her to be ready for sex in a certain room and position at X date and time (“I expect you to be spread eagle, naked on the bed this Friday as soon as I return from work.”)
  • Suggest (and enforce) how you want her to appear (shaved pussy or not, panties/bra, other clothes, makeup and hair). Give her a “check” every X days.

The fact is, exploring anything new can be difficult, especially if you have a routine which works. We fear sounding or looking silly or unattractive even if we find new ideas to be arousing. The first time I wore something especially ‘sexy’ for my husband, I was terrified even though we were already married. I knew he would ultimately still love me and find me attractive even if he didn’t like what I put on but what if he just found me to be stupid?

And I’m not alone. Taking the first steps to incorporate BDSM into your sex life, wear a sexy costume, do a strip tease or role play can all be daunting tasks. Fortunately, I have some advice for all of these things. Sometimes you just have to fake it ’til you make it. As cliche as it sounds, sometimes we have to push ourselves to do uncomfortable things and fake the confidence until we actually develop it and can enjoy these activities.

On a more specific level, the mechanics of movement and words to use during specifics situations are things with which many struggle. People want to know what to say and how to say it and having a guide to work with can also bolster confidence. A lot of times, we can fudge our way through uncomfortable situations if we have something to work with. Remember the oral sex manual from American Pie? It was revered not only because of the content but because of the impact is had on those who used it.

So, for this doting husband who wasn’t sure what to say in order to dominate his wife the way she wanted, I suggested he say these things.

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Categories: Advice, Articles

Image © MisterUnlucky; used with permission.