Ina is a high quality toy, easy to use and offers a surprising amount of power. It will probably always remain the best G-spot vibrator I will ever try and I may now be a gusher but, as a rabbit? It completely and utterly fails. Anyone wanna trade me a Mona?
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March 31st, 2010
I have jokingly been creating a check list in my mind for future partners. I guess it’s just a way for me to let off steam regarding my husband’s behaviour, flaws and bad habits. It’s a little resentful but maybe a little smart, too.
Characteristics You Best Not Have
- Mommy Issues
- Daddy Issues
- Aggressive Driving
- Emotional Score Keeping
- Inability to recognize or express emotions
- Knee Jerk Reactions to Every Little Thing
- Inability to distinguish sex from love
- Inability to combine sex and love when appropriate
Characteristics You Must Have
- Sense of Humour
- Like for Dr Horrible
- Cat Love
- Ability to Remain Faithful
- Understanding of Commitment
- Fondness for hand holding, cuddling and other physical touch
- Healthy Interest in Sex
- Have already been in love
- Willingness to read books, go to therapy and do other things should the need arise
- Maturity
- Tendency toward Geekiness
- Love for dorky comedies
Hey, guess what? I’m tired and randomly capitalizing things. 😉
PS, I know I could more healthily and happily word all these things as positive “must haves.”
PPS, I’m not really a crazy bitch with a checklist.
4 Comments
Sex and Love
March 21st, 2010
I never felt like a typical female in regards to sex and love. I guess I didn’t really see them as necessarily connected; although, I thought they could be and when they are it can improve upon both aspects. While I have thoroughly enjoyed the sex I have had with my husband, there have only been a few times when I felt that sex qualified as “love making” and this did prove to be a bit disheartening at times.
I guess I hadn’t realized that the act itself was something I was able to enjoy, for the most part, because I do love my husband. As much as I enjoy sex in and of itself, I would not be able to enjoy it with a person whom I did not trust. I would not enjoy it were I not comfortable with my partner. It would not be satisfying if I doubted that person’s intentions or if I were worried about my safety. While not all of these things require a loving or romantic relationship, they do go well together and it does make me feel a greater connection between sex and love.
I am not entirely sure if my husband realizes that there is a connection at all. After all, our relationship started off on a sexual foot and while that is not entirely bad (previously, I had not known how to add sexuality to my relationships so getting it out of the way at the first has its benefits), I do think it left an inaccurate impression. To put it bluntly, I think my husband thinks of me as more promiscuous than I am (not that promiscuity if bad, just that I am not really). He does not realize how large a role that he, specifically, plays in my ability to be sexual. He views himself or any potential partner of mine as replaceable and I think there is at least some hard feelings because of it. It saddens me.
I suppose, if it weren’t him, it would have been someone else.. eventually but I think that eventually would have taken a few more years at the very least. I didn’t have any plan about losing my virginity. I wasn’t ready to give it away in middle school nor was I waiting for some biblically appropriate moment. The time simply felt right with him so I had sex for the first time with someone I cared for a great deal and, overall, it was a positive experience which has led to more positive sexual experiences.
But I do wish I had come to realize how intertwined the two can be for me earlier so that I could share it with him.
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Bad Thoughts
March 15th, 2010
The past few months have taught me a lot about relationships, expectations, love, perception and healthy attitudes. In some ways, I feel like a relationship expert (I’m not.. yet) and I know I have been and will continue learning skills that will not only help me have successful relationships (and that is worth imparting to my loved ones during their challenges) but I am developing skills to help me be happier no matter what my relationship status is.
As patient as I am trying to be with my husband, as hopeful as I am trying to be about this situation, it is difficult not to feel hurt and not to entertain thoughts that are simply not helpful. Ultimately, I feel a bit betrayed by my husband, my life and perhaps most importantly, myself. I feel so foolish for believing that this time would be different, that he would be different. I wonder why I ever thought it could work. What proof have I ever had that it could? Indeed, everything I have seen or experienced indicates that relationships just do not work. Ever.
I know, I know. It’s not productive. But I just cannot be productive all the time. At the very least, I can control it enough that I am not sobbing over Haagen Das. And I’m not screaming at my husband about how he’s hurt me and making it into an argument so that’s good. I am able to contain the thoughts that they are not quite ruining (running?) my life.
I feel especially silly when I think how far I’ve come in regards to my thoughts about marriage. I went from thinking it’s nothing but a sham to believing maybe it can work to wondering if maybe it is only a sham after all and I should have kept thinking the way I did because then I wouldn’t be hurting like I am. Except I know that you have to let people in and learn to trust again even if it means sometimes starting over. And as much as I hate feeling like I’m back at square one, the logical part of me knows that you cannot reap the rewards without taking the risk and I will take that risk again whether with someone else or whether my husband chooses to work on our marriage. Even if I don’t want to think about it now, cannot imagine ever being with someone else.
My bad thoughts creep up when I am alone and at night, right before bed. To combat them, I’ve been scouring the internet for inspiring quotes (I mention this in an upcoming post I wrote for EdenCafe), calling friends or sometimes distracting myself by jerking off. It’s still a work in progress, though.
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It Ends Now
February 27th, 2010
I don’t know when or even why it happened but I do know that, somewhere along the line, I became power hungry and not even in a power exchange sort of way. I became obsessed with having power even though the drive usually had unwanted results and was detrimental to my relationships. It’s not just romantic relationships about which I speak. It’s grown into such a habit that I find myself looking for ways to control people and situations even if I know it will only send me two steps back. I become so focused on power in the present that I forget what matters in the long run and it is most certainly not that sort of power.
The friend with whom I am currently staying suggested I am building walls to prevent myself from being hurt but I know that is not the case. I am not changing how I act because of the current situation; I am only keeping up the behaviour I have been doing for some time regardless of the fact that it has never helped. If gaining the upper hand didn’t help me then, it certainly won’t help me now.
A family member of mine recently told me that there is no room for power in a relationship; we should simply focus on the fact that we love our partners. It was a simple piece of advice but one I think I needed to hear and still need to hear. The momentary satisfaction I may gain from having power is not nearly comparable to the satisfaction I could gain from learning to relinquish power to preserve my marriage (although, that is far from the only thing I need to do).
I suppose I have come to the conclusion while power is appealing and certainly healthy in some situations, my current situation is simply not one of those.
So, I leave myself with these words of wisdom:
Where love rules, there is no will to power; and where power predominates, there love is lacking. The one is the shadow of the other.
Carl Jung
5 Comments
Craving
February 22nd, 2010
Sex, I want it. And I can’t have it. Which makes me want it even more. I see it in movies, on TV and read about it in books. It seems like everyone is having it. Everyone but me, of course. I think about my husband (who will hopefully remain my husband). I think about our sex and my body springs to life but no relief is available.
I remember his movements, his sounds, the feel of his touch and his body against mine. My real life becomes my fantasy and I long for the past. I do not simply want sex. I want sex with him. I want the sex I remember and, yes, the sex about which I all-too-often took a passive attitude in the past.
The past? Has it really been that long. Only a few short weeks. Yet, it feels like forever. It feels like a lifetime ago even though I know, logically, it has not been. But it has been too long and every day my desire grows. It is though I have never yearned for him as I do now or perhaps it is simply how I yearn for him because I have certainly wanted (but not been able to have) sex with him before. Before, sex was always an option in the future (albeit, not always the near future) but that is not the case now.
Regardless of how things turn out, I imagine he will be the object of my fantasies as long as I fantasize and as long as I cannot have him, I will certainly have to to survive.
