It didn’t take long for me to feel miserable about having sex. I tried to convince myself that it was “just” sex. I tried to be grateful that I was having it at all, especially considering that I won’t be having it anytime soon. But I couldn’t. I just don’t operate that way. Deep down, I knew I was doing it just to be close to him. Or maybe, just so we wouldn’t fight. If I was making him happy in some way, at least we weren’t fighting.
It got to the point where I cried every time. It got harder to orgasm and, when I did, it wasn’t satisfying. It was harder to accept his advances because I knew I was selling myself out. I don’t even know if he noticed that I was crying or, maybe, he just didn’t realize why.
It’s not his fault. I didn’t say “no.” Part of me did want it. Yet, it hurt. So I did start rejecting him. He stopped asking. I was miserable because I felt like we had lost our only connection. Yet, I knew it wasn’t much of a connection to begin with.
He left on Saturday. I’ve been decent, save for some computer problems. It’s amazing how quickly my desire for any stimulation has come back now that I don’t feel guilty or used. Earlier, I was missing oral. I considered texting him to come over. It’d be hot, I know. But would it be worth it? Probably not. I didn’t text him. I think.. that I’m glad of that.
Sex stopped being an awesome thing when it stopped being about love. It stopped being pleasurable. It stopped being appealing. It stopped being something I need and.. I may be okay with that.
I am very guilty of using sex to remain close to people that I’ve broken up with. I regret it afterward every single time, I feel used, yet I always say yes, knowing it’s the only way I can have them. It’s emotionally draining, and everyone in my life always tells me not to do it, but only you can make that decision. And I completely understand why you did. But I’m also really proud of you for being strong and not calling him this time.
*hugs* I’m glad you’re doing okay.
Oh, you. (((hug))). Everything will be alright. As painful as it is, I’m glad you are getting the strength to say no to him and stop letting him use you.
I’ll give you oral ;). But seriously good for you babes. I know it has to be hard, but fucking awesome job.
I did this too – with the one person I’ve ever truly loved. He’d pull away, I push for some sex. It just hurt me more.
I found it hard not to use the power of sex to keep him close, but eventually I just felt bad.
Kuddos to you for being so strong. <3