Good Sexual Citizenship

October 25th, 2019

Good Sexual Citizenship: How to Create a (Sexually) Safer World
$17.95 from Amazon

Although I do not generally list the chapters in every book review that I write, I think it’s important to so to explain how Good Sexual Citizenship strives to create a “sexually safer world.”

  1. The Bases for Our Biases
  2. Standing Up for Sex
  3. Consent – (I Promise) It’s Not That Complicated
  4. Little Kids, Big Questions
  5. The Teen Sex Situation
  6. Getting to Good Sexual Citizenship

Whu do I list these? Because I consistently struggled to understand the overall structure that the author, Ellen Friedrichs, was aiming for. I am not sure if it’s the examples the author uses to introduce each chapter that makes them feel so disjointed rather than work in congress, but it’s so distracting. I don’t want to be stuck on the author’s organizational choices over her words, especially when I agree with what she has to say.

This begins with the first chapter, which delves into sexism. Honestly? I understand why discussing sex (and gender) and sexism is a sensical place to start when it comes to discussing the issue of a safer sexual world, but others may not. Some people may be on the word but haven’t fully formed their thoughts on the subject. It seems a bit presumptuous to me that the reader should have to already know this. At the very least, it could be overwhelming to the reader. There is room to make the argument and it may be necessary to do so that we cannot start a book without first examining gender. Perhaps the author things the entire first chapter accomplishes this, but it would not hurt for the point to be more explicitly, either in the introduction or at the start of the chapter itself.

As Friedrich moves into a history of sex culture and education (and the lack thereof), she paints the bigger picture of how we got to where we are. including casual sex and hookup culture, and what’s wrong with that if you want to build a sex-positive society. I suspect this is where many people would expect the book to begin. From there, it makes more sense to move onto the topic of consent, which includes discussion of how it plays out in college hookups and established relationships as well as how we define sexual assault, in the next chapter. Framing consent as a simple but essential solution to sexual assault is so important. The questions Ellen asks readers to consider about consent at the end of the chapter are especially poignant.

But the segue to teaching children about sex is almost nonexistent. It would be so easy to explain that if we teach children about sexuality and consent from a young age, providing them with age-appropriate information so that we can impress upon them the importance of consent. The chapter that follows, on teenaged sexuality, is the clearest transition in the book.

Her final chapter does reiterate why we are where we are as a society and ties together how all the misinformation or simply lack of education has contributed to that in a way that makes the preceding chapters make more sense. I just wish there was more of a common thread throughout the pages.

With that said, each chapter in this book relies on research, which is referenced throughout the book and listed in the notes, to make points that I do often agree with. And as readers move through those chapters, there are asides that help to challenge the unhealthy, harmful, and sex-negative messages we may have absorbed from living in a society that has created such a dangerous culture around sex. Each chapter also ends with a worksheet containing questions to gauge the reader’s knowledge, opinion, and comfort with the topics discussed in the chapter that encourage the reader to consider the topics on a personal level and rethink the ways they navigate sexuality.

As Ellen Friedrich makes her points and educates the reader to dispels myths, she makes sure to include LGBTQ+ members and to point out how sexism and these ideas about sex hurt men as well. However, she’s careful to point out how these limited narratives depict sex and gender at the same and a binary and how sexism against women has allowed the current sexual culture to proliferate.

The author also takes the time to point out the actions people can actually take not just to change their own minds but to impact sexuality in society from their interactions with other people on a daily basis to how they vote. Good Sexual Citizenship doesn’t just describe a problem without offering solutions. It didn’t leave me feeling hopeless as it very well could have. At points, the advice might have been a little superficial, but the reader is given enough information that they can seek out other resources, which they will have to do on their own because aside from references used, Friedrich doesn’t list any resources that her readers may want to read in addition to her book.

One thing that I found was interesting was that Friedrichs initially uses a couple of footnotes to define terminology with which the reader may not be familiar. I mean literally two in the introduction, and then she never does this again in the book. It’s confusing. But there were also places where I thought that those definitions would be incredibly useful to a reader who has maybe never heard a term before or isn’t quite sure what it means. “Slut-shaming” is a good example; yet, the author quickly seemed to forget about using definitions or decided that the only two terms that would benefit from them were in the beginning of the book.

Although there are many points with which I agree in Good Sexual Citizenship, and I’d like to see them made more often and vocally, I still felt that the book lacked an overall narrative to help the reader progress from one chapter or point to the next. Although I could draw some conclusions because the content was familiar to me, this might not be the case for others. The reader shouldn’t have to make assumptions or have a ton of prior knowledge to understand the overall argument made by a book. That’s the point of the book.

I wonder if the imperfection of Good Sexual Citizenship would leave others frustrated or cause them to set it aside, perhaps before they even pick it up, rather than just leaving them confused like I was. However, I still recommend this book, perhaps just as a starting point. And it’s not only that there are some weak points in Good Sexual Citizenships, it’s just that no one book or source can provide all the information we need to truly become good sexual citizens. As long as the reader understands this and that the onus is on each of us to create a sexually healthy world after reading the last page, I think this book will ultimately be helpful.

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Science of Sex: Vaginal Bacterial Transplants

October 1st, 2019

vaginal microbiota transplantation

According to recent estimates, our bodies consist of as much — or even more — bacteria than they do our own cells. While the exact numbers can vary, and researchers may occasionally disagree, bacteria help us function. Without the bacteria in our bodies, our bodies don’t work correctly. However, a bacterial imbalance or introduction of the wrong type of bacteria can lead to problems, namely, infections.

When it comes to sexual health, many people think of sexually transmitted infections. However, these are typically caused by viruses. Bacterial infections include bacterial vaginosis (BV) and infections of the cervix. These infections have traditionally been treated by antibiotics; however, this can lead to antibiotic resistance, which is an increasing concern especially given how frequently these infections reoccur. Furthermore, antibiotics can contribute to yeast infections.

Researchers are considering a new treatment option: vaginal bacterial transfers or vaginal microbiota transplantation. This would transfer the bacteria from a healthy vagina to a vaginal that has a bacterial imbalance. This procedure is not yet in practice and may never come to be. However, researchers are studying what would need to happen to make it a reality.

First, the ideal donor would have just a few bacteria. Specifically, there would not be a lot of Lactobacillus, which is what causes BV. People would need to be screened to see if they are a good match first via questionnaire. Then, swabs would take vaginal bacterial samples. Samples were tested for HPV and HIV before researchers moved on to bacterial analysis. It’s proposed that donors abstain from sex for 30 days before providing a donation, which can be self-collected.

This screening is important because samples could contain bacteria that would do more harm than good. For example, you might have read about two cases earlier this year where patients who underwent experimental fecal transplants, which has been undergoing experimentation as a possible treatment for rectal issues such as C. difficile infections, died. They received material from a donor that was tainted with E Coli. The specific train was antibiotic-resistant. Furthermore, the patients both had weakened immune systems.

With proper screening, this could be avoided. Since bacterial transplants of any form are still in their infancy — the fecal transplant hasn’t received FDA approval yet — now’s the time to eliminate the risk for when these procedures eventually become approved and used on patients.

A similar procedure known as vaginal seeding occurred when doctors would take samples of a birth parent’s vaginal bacteria and apply it to a newborn infant who was born through cesarian section. This practice started because it was believed that vaginal delivery transfers bacteria that can boost an infant’s immune system. While one study initially found limited success from the practice, a more recent study suggests that there is little evidence that vaginal seeding provides microbial benefits to infants and that health difference between vaginal and cesarian-born babies may be due to the antibiotics administered to the parent during birth.

Thus far, results from fecal transplants have been more promising, and vaginal microbiota transplantation may prove the same. However, it’s incredibly early in the game to make that assessment.

Further Reading

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Bijoux Indiscrets cosmetics for better sex

Media Recommendations September 2019

September 28th, 2019

Whether you like to listen, read, or watch content that discusses sexuality in humans (and occasionally other creatures), you’ve come to the right place! I gave myself an extra day to write this, which meant I could add three stellar podcast episodes to my media recommendations. I realized that September is almost over I recently learned as I typed “August” into the title field, checked my calendar, and remembered I was off by a whole month. Welp!

Listen

NPR’s Hidden Brain tackles the intersection of sex and tech that will eventually usher in sex robots and has given hookup culture a facelift via apps such as Tinder and how that affects intimacy. If you don’t want to listen, you can read the accompanying article.

In his podcast, Dr. Lehmiller interviews author and psychologist Dr. Ari Tuckman who recently wrote the book about ADHD and relationships, including how it can affect sexual relationships.

I started listened to Peepshow Podcast last month. As I was scrolling for episodes that seemed particularly interesting, this one featuring Nicoletta and Simone from Sluts and Scholars, which I have previously recommended. The pair discuss starting their podcast and balancing their day jobs with communicating about sex in a world where that’s still a boundary-breaking thing to do despite the fact that’s the very stigma they’ve set about to break. Simone also talks about becoming an abortion doula

The first of two Slate podcasts I’ll recommend this month is is their queer podcast Outward, which recently tackled the issue of what makes us gay after the recently-released study about how much our genetics influence sexual orientation. This episode really got me thinking about what it means to be gay, including the importance of community. It made me think about my own sexuality and my struggle to be part of a community.

Finally, Slate’s feminist podcast The Waves discussed a chapter of journalist and podcaster Malcolm Gladwell’s recently-published book, How to Talk to Strangers. It was a book I thought would be interesting but now am not so sure about. The chapter looks at sexual assault and drinking in the great context of knowing whether a person is being duplicitous, but Gladwell’s privilege shines through when he makes the case that no one can ever know the truth. The hosts of The Waves point out how weak this argument, which shames victims, truly is.

Read

I haven’t managed to get very far in Screwed: How Women Are Set Up to Fail at Sex, but I’ve enjoyed almost every word that I’ve read thus far. Lili Boisvert challenges gender roles, sexual scripts, slut-shaming, and more in on cohesive argument about how society has done women dirty when it comes to sex.

Watch

In this short snippet from the BBC, a gentleman discusses the abuse he receives because of his HIV+ status.

I somehow managed to miss this older TED talk, which delves into why humans are among the few species that menstruate.

I was thoroughly impressed with the Sex Ed School series by Shaftesbury Kids. The eight episodes in the first season follow Eva and Nadine as they provide real, age-appropriate, and fact-based sex ed to kids on topics such as anatomy, consent, orientation, and more. They even use dolls and toys to teach students in a way that would neeevvver be allowed in any but the most progressive schools, American or otherwise. It makes me a bit sad for the state of sex ed, but this is really how it could look.

Hopefully, I’ll have a chance to read a bit more next month, but I think this post really covers it.

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Science of Sex: What’s New In Sex Research (Summer 2019 Edition)

August 31st, 2019

What’s New In Sex Research (Summer 2019 Edition)

While I prefer for each entry in the Science of Sex archive to be a deeper dive into a specific topic, I’ll be taking a break from that this month. There’s simply so many articles that have recently come across my dashboard that I want to write about them. We’re always expanding our knowledge about sexuality, gender, and related topics, but this summer ushered in a flurry of news that really exemplifies this. It’s so exciting!

Let’s jump in. Note that relevant links are included in each section and not at the end of this post per usual.

The most recent of those articles is one about how genetics can explain same-sex behavior. Researchers concluded that there is no one “gay gene” but that several genes do connect with homosexual behavior. Furthermore, gay men and women (presumably cisgender) are affected by different genes. The survey has a few week spots including focusing on behavior versus attraction, but it’s fascinating nonetheless.

Another discovery that’s gotten a lot of media attention is how scientists isolated a gene that, when activated, would create sperm that resulted in male offspring. They successfully applied this to the sperm of mice to produce a higher ratio of male offspring than usual. They believe this applies to all mammals.

In a positive turn for preventing HIV transmission, one studies found that repeated exposure to semen can change vaginal tissues and actually make a ciswoman less susceptible to contracting the virus.

And in other STI news, there could be a chlamydia vaccine on the way! A study of the effect of the drugs on people has been found to be safe. This is good news for the 100+ million people who contract the STI globally each year.

A team looked into why men send dick pics, finding that men who do tend to be more narcissistic.  However, they determined that “he unsolicited dick pic phenomenon cannot be viewed solely as a sexist campaign, nor as a positive outlet for sexuality; instead, cases must be considered on an individual basis.”

After surveying over 2,000 polyamorous people, researchers discovered they were less likely to be religious and more likely to support political third parties. While poly folks were more likely to be nonbinary or bisexual and pansexual, they were not more likely to be gay or lesbian than monogamous people. Poly people were also more likely to make less than $40,000 annually. Research Justin Lehmiller states that,

While our results do not come from representative samples, they suggest that the stereotype of polyamorists as young, White, wealthy liberals doesn’t necessarily match up with reality. Indeed, compared to monogamists, polyamorists were not any younger, Whiter, wealthier, or more likely to identify with the Democratic party.

Surprisingly, women who were married multiple times have more surviving offspring than men who do found researchers after analyzing data about the community of Pimbwe in Tanzania.  This seemingly contradicts the idea that men achieve greater reproductive success by having a variety of partners.

According to his recently released book, ADHD After Darker, Dr. Ari Tuckman has found that a woman who has ADHD have sex 25% more often than when the man in a couple has ADHD due to ADHD’s correlation with sexual eagerness. This can lead to greater sexual satisfaction than when the man has ADHD and this leads to a great discrepancy in sex drive.

Finally, one last study finds that women who take hormone replacement therapy for menopause relief have an increased risk of breast cancer, even more than a decade after they cease the medication. The longer a woman is on HRT, the greater her risk for breast cancer. This is potentially concerning as estrogen and other hormones have been prescribed to help women cope with the symptoms of menopause and to enable them to continue enjoying sex. There was not a similar risk for women who were obese, however.

 

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July & August Media Recommendations

August 26th, 2019

I missed out on posting a media recommendation last month. Like always, the month rushed by and the end whizzed past me without my say so! This means I’ve got a good selection of recommendations this month; however. Perhaps I could make this bimonthly?

Watch

You might be familiar with Dr. Mintz’s book Become Cliterate, which I reviewed. Dr. Mintz recently gave a TEDx talked about the orgasm gap based on the same research she used on her book.

Listen

The last two months have been full of amazing podcasts, some of which were new to me.

Sold in America is an eight-part series about sex work by journalist and activist Noor Tagouri. It’s incredibly provocative and powerful.

On a related note is the recent Sex Out Loud episode featuring Audacia Ray. Tristan talks to Audacia about the movement to decriminalize sex work.

An email came across my screen about Something Positive for Positive People by Courtney Brame. Not only is he a POC, but he’s tackling the stigma and stress surrounding herpes and other diagnoses. Courtney is humble and vulnerable, perhaps never more so than in the episode “You Are Necessary.”

Stuff Your Mom Never Told You’s two-part series about bisexuality hit me hard. The ladies tackle misconceptions, bisexual erasure, and the confusion that can be involved.

I’m so glad I waited to pot this until after I took my walk. The most recent American Sex episode features sex researcher Nicole Prause, and I was amazed by what I didn’t know.  We’re just getting started folks!

Read

Good Sexual Citizenship: How to Create a (Sexually) Safer World will release next month, and I received a preview copy from Cleis Press. It’s definitely left-leaning but tackles issues of consent and sex education that are sorely lacking.

I’m also waiting for a copy of A Queer History of the United States to come back around. I recently finished the original A People’s History.. by Howard Zinn who admits, ina post-script, how he overlooked queer history. This book fills in the blanks and is a bit more enjoyable to read – plus, a lot shorter!

 

 

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Turned On: Science, Sex and Robots

August 13th, 2019

 

Turned On: Science, Sex and Robots
$9.99 (Kindle) from Amazon

Writing about science, sex, and robots is a daunting task, but one that Dr. Kate Devlin, computer scientist and AI expert, proves she is up to in Turned On. Almost immediately, I found Turned On to be a delight, mostly because Kate Devlin is funny and uses her humor in this book. However, that specific brand of British humor that I became accustomed to when reading authors such as Douglas Adams is also present in this book, which made it all the more entertaining for me.

Rest assured that while Turned On is entertaining, it’s also incredibly educational. Whether Devlin is writing us about the current state of sex dolls and robots (hint: less advanced than some people would have us believe or fear) or examining the implications of sex dolls that might look like minors, Kate Devin did her homework. Devlin’s research took her around the world, and she brings the reader with her to attend English conferences, speak with sex doll connoisseurs in Michigan, meet the manufacturers in California, and more. In this way, the reader gets an overall picture that sex tech is truly a worldwide affair.

Before diving into where we are right now, Kate Devlin writes about the history of sex toys and erotic representations and breaks down the myth that vibrator was created to cure hysteria in women. Rather, its use as a sexual device was known but not discussed. This wasn’t news to me and wouldn’t be anyone who is familiar with the history of sex toys, but the myth is pervasive. I’ve read it in more than one book. Devlin doesn’t settle for pervasive myths, however.

Even if you are intimately familiar with sex toys and their sex toys, you may not really know the current state sex robots or what is on the horizon for teledildonics. This is where Devlin’s research sheds new light on the subject. She goes back to basics when she defines robots and discusses the reality and implication of them. In many ways, robots have improved our lives, and the reader gets the feeling that Kate Devlin thinks they can improve our sex lives as well. As she dives into computers and how machines can learn to think, and the relationship between man and machine, she illustrates the finer details and outlines the broad context that helps the reader understand the significance of sex robots.

While this book is ostensibly about science sex and robots, you can’t help it feel like it’s actually about what it means to be human and to interact with other people. I think that’s the crux of the sex robot debate. When Devlin delves into the more recent history of sex dolls and those who purchase them, she doesn’t fall into the trap of picking fun at the people who choose to use them. She approaches the subject with a kind of necessary sensitivity. Yes, these people are mostly men, but they’re still human, after all, even if their companions are robots.

Turned On isn’t the only book I’ve read recently that tackles how technological changes will affect us. However, it’s the only one that’s thought to broach the topic of sex let alone sex robots.  Devlin gives the subject its due respect. It’s not something that everyone can do well or would even be willing to do, yet Devlin does. Judging from the public’s obsession with sex robots, it’s difficult to understand why so many academics ignore the subject. Kate writes about how the 2016 Love and Sex with Robots conference she attended was moved twice before finding a home at Goldsmiths, University of London.

The questions that she attempts to answer and even those that she admits cannot be answered at this point in time are those that anyone who has given any thought to sex robots has entertained at one point or another:

Just what is sex, and is sex with a robot masturbation? Can sex robots mitigate violence, especially sexual violence, against humans or will it worsen objectification of women? If robots become sentient, will we need to protect them from violent offenders (the author busts the incorrectly reported myth that robot “Samantha” was “molested” at one con) or protect ourselves? How will sex robots affect sex work? What are the legal implications of sex robots or someone else using your likeness to create one? Will people want to marry robots and, if so, what will that mean? Is sex with a robot still sex? Do robot opponents have a point when they say that sex robots only contribute to further objectification of women? Will we see sex robot brothels like the doll brothels that already exist in Japan and Europe?

In Turned On, Devlin spends some time examining why sex robots so often look and sound like women (at least one misunderstood study has been cited by those who choose to use female sounding voices) and the implications of this. Again, she pulls back the curtain to reveal how the state of robots is a commentary on the state of humanity.

Fembots are designed to play to cultural stereotypes, generally taking an eroticized form: shapely, sexy and obedient. There’s an essence of the Femme Fatale about some of them – the perfect woman, but without an underlying potential for danger.

The author’s background in technology is never more apparent than when she considers the privacy risks that sex robots present. She points to the vulnerabilities of one of We-Vibe’s smart toys that were revealed by hackers in 2016 who were able to access information collected from toys. There are so many implications of sex robotics, and Devlin leaves out none.

Perhaps the most important question of all and the one that Devlin ends the book with is where we go from here. After reading Turned On, I found myself curious and hopeful but also with a side of trepidation. Like any technological breakthrough, sex robots have the potential to change the world. But if humanity misuses that power, those changes could be awful instead of awesome. Kate makes a plea at the end of her book for designers to think abstract and fantastic — outside of the box — when creating sex robots. She implores the world to focus on how a robot can give pleasure and why they don’t have to imitate women to do so. It might surprise some that Devlin believes the current fembot style robots will remain a niche market and that true innovation can go much further when those limitations are lifted.

And those changes are happening. In fact, Kate added an epilogue after she wrote the initial bulk of the book about how technology had already changed so much. Turned On may not be accurate for long if changes keep occurring at this pace. Yet it’s still a good resource for anyone who wants to know how we got to where we are. Kate Devlin makes you laugh along the way, which helps balance any worries you may have about sex robots and the influence of technology on our sex lives. Her writing similarly balances education and entertainment, and I’m glad to recommend Turned On to anyone who has an interest in the subject.

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HPV, Pre-cancerous Cells, and Me

August 8th, 2019

Two and a half months ago, I scheduled an appointment at the reproductive health clinic to have an overdue pap done. I also was excited to get my first HPV vaccine thanks to the CDC’s age limit changes last winter, and I needed a pap, also overdue by half a year. I was worried they wouldn’t let me do it all at once or that it would be overwhelming to do all of that at once but nothing else.

The appointment went as well as it could have save for switching to Kyleena (they no longer keep Mirena in stock), and my cervix being more sensitive than ever before. My first two IUDs were a breeze, but I practically levitated off of the table this time around.

I left feeling accomplished and with instructions to come back in 5 weeks later for IUD check and my second vaccine. I was honestly a little surprised to receive a phone call and already anxious as I listened to my voice mail. People who have gone through paps understand why: no news is good news. The news? My pap came back normal (false negatives are apparently common enough, however), and positive for HPV-16, one of the high-risk cancer-causing strains.

Honestly? I didn’t take it well. This year has already been so difficult with my sick cats, my dramatic family, my tight money, my bodily injuries. It all so consistently kept coming. The day after the bad news, I got a cold sore. Stress: 1, immune system: 0.

They wanted me to come back in for a colposcopy and biopsy, procedures I’d had done over a decade prior when I was first diagnosed with HPV. Knowing that the virus can resurface in time of stress, I wondered if that meant it was the same one. I made a few phone calls and contacted my ex-husband for the first in years to try to get information from the military clinic that had last treated me. As it turned out, they didn’t have any answers, so I needn’t have contacted him.

This all brought all the feelings I had after my first diagnosis. My ex had cheated on me and an abnormal pap indicated HPV. Except.. the doctors didn’t say that initially. They just told me to come back for monitoring. It was at a subsequent appointment when they mentioned me having HPV in passing. I was so shocked because this was the first I had heard of it. I kept a straight face but cried as I left and walked to the bus stop.

Two months ago I was dealing with the same thing and possibly still for the same reason. I resigned myself to not knowing, however, and went to the biopsy, which I scheduled for the next week to get it over with. Fortunately the terrible cramping and bloating I’d experienced after the IUD insertion had stopped on the morning of my biopsy. I am not sure I would have been able to handle both and was shocked; my first two were relatively easy!

The nurse practitioner who handles those was different from the gentle provider I’d had before. She’s rough in technique and demeanor. She’s a bit older and perhaps understands how much women can take, but I’ve heard from friends who have left her office in tears. When she later gave me my second Gardasil injection, she didn’t so much insert the needle as she did punch me with it.

My cervical discomfort remained despite taking more ibuprofen than I ever had before — so much, in fact, that I got home and developed a temporary case of tinnitus. HPV and hearing loss? Great!

I had to sign a waiver that they wouldn’t replace my IUD if it came out during the procedure, knowing that I wouldn’t be able to afford a new one if that happened. During the biopsy, the NP noted three places she wanted to sample and did so. She commented that the cell abnormalities were mild, and my fears were somewhat assuaged. I thought I could perhaps just get away with monitoring and not need additional procedures.

I can be a bit of a bleeder, and she struggled to staunch the bleeding with Monsel’s Solution. When it finally stopped, I was provided a pantyliner and free to leave.

While biopsies aren’t fun, I was more annoyed by the tinnitus than anything else. Over the next week or so, I experienced discharge from the Monsel’s Solution. After the bulk of it was discharged, I began spotting and didn’t stop until last week.  But because it was generally light and I didn’t have any other negative side effects (fever, etc), I waited to mention it until my IUD checkup.

After two weeks, I went back in for my results: moderate dysplasia, not mild. Not cancer but pre-cancerous. Not healthy enough to simply monitor. Not the best-case scenario.

I had to be referred to a different provider to receive treatment, and the NP recommended a Loop Electrosurgical Excision Procedure. A LEEP is essentially electrical cauterization of the cervix. I called up the OBGYN clinic at one of the hospitals and scheduled an appointment, but it was quite far out.

During this time, I went back for my IUD check and second HPV vaccine. Ironically, the medical student who performed that was much gentler than the nurse practitioner. Of course, I wasn’t spotting that day so they couldn’t check where the blood came from. But IUD looked okay, and I received the second shot. Fortunately, there were no symptoms — the first one caused a bit of discomfort at the injection site. Once that appointment was done, I simply had to wait for my LEEP.

I had initially been nervous. There have been so many appointments this summer. I went in to see the dentist in June because of some jaw pain I’d been having for about a month only to be told that I’m clenching because of stress. Knowing that I didn’t have some terrible infection eating away at my teeth was a relief, and I’ve made a concerted effort to relax my jaw since then. I also started therapy last week. I have followup appointments for both over the next week. While I am hopeful that therapy will help, just having so many appointments makes me anxious.

But by the time my LEEP appointment rolled around, I was more annoyed at filling out so much intake paperwork than I was anxious. I strode into the hospital, asked for directions, and took the elevator to the OBGYN department. I’ve never before been called as fast as I was. Yet after taking down information and instruction me to strip from the waist down, the nurse left me alone for what must have been thirty minutes. My appointment was only scheduled for thirty minutes, and the friend who drove me was waiting on me the entire time.

The doctor entered, explained the procedure and Monsel’s solution and got to work, first fiddling with a painfully ill-fitting speculum before swapping it out for another. A grounding pad stuck to my leg, I listened to the machine turn on. They applied a numbing gel that the nurse had informed me would make my heart race, and it started almost immediately. It’s difficult to remain relaxed when your heart is beating a mile a minute. Talk about a way to trigger anxiety.

On top of that, it made my legs shake, so keeping them in the stirrups was hard enough let alone being relaxed. I found out later that the gel was a mixture of numbing agent and epinephrine to prevent too much bleeding. Aside from the racing heart, epinephrine made my mouth taste awful for several days, a side effect that I had to search.

Unfortunately, I was not completely numb when the doctor turned on the LEEP machine and started cauterizing my cervix. I was on the way but definitely felt the first touches and seized up. As the numbing agent kicked it, it became easier, but the doctor still had to remind me to relax every thirty seconds.

LEEPs are short, much shorter than the time I’d spent waiting for the doctor to even make an appearance. Even though she had to apply extra Monsel’s to stop the bleeding, which hopefully means less spotting this time around (I’ve yet to start bleeding, so who knows).

I walked out frazzled because of the epinephrine and feeling discouraged that the sample would indicate I needed to go in for another procedure. I cannot stress enough how anxious this all has made me. My sleep has been terrible, and I’ve felt all the worse knowing that stress will limit my immune system, which I need to kick into overdrive to suppress this strain of HPV so I can maybe stop worrying about getting cancer.

This whole thing has had me thinking so much about my mortality. My healthiest years are likely behind me. Injuries will be more common. Sicknesses will last longer. This was all a very real reminder of that. I couldn’t remain ignorant. But sometimes ignorance really is bliss.

The shitty thing is knowing I may be okay for now but that this all could happen again someday. I could become sick or stressed, and the virus could pop back up, wreak havoc on my body.

Like it’s already wreaked havoc on my sex life. It took weeks for me to want to masturbate after my biopsy and similarly after my LEEP. Of course, penetration was off the table, but I didn’t want to touch my clitoris. I felt betrayed by my body, dysphoric. It was alien.

On top of that, I wouldn’t want to have sex with any new partner while HPV is still active in my system. While someone who has received the vaccine wouldn’t be at risk, I don’t even want to get my hopes up only to find that a potential partner isn’t vaccinated. I don’t want to think that I could transmit a virus that can give someone cancer. That’s heavy.

All of this has led me to do a lot of mesearch — research pertaining to things about myself. I’ve actually avoided looking up things this year. I wanted to remain blissfully ignorant. It didn’t work.

What may help is knowing that my LEEP results came back good. I don’t need to go in for another procedure. I will need to schedule an exam a year after my last (next May), but I can breathe a little easier for now. I hope that my anxiety can abate, my immune system can suppress this virus, and I can get on with my life. But it’s hard not to worry, to wait for the shoe to drop. 2019 has thrown me more than a few curveballs, and while I wish I was more resilient, I keep finding myself on the lookout for more danger.

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