Science of Sex: The G-spot

June 26th, 2018

This month’s Science of Sex is even later than usual, but I hope you don’t mind. I am continuing with the theme of female sexuality and contentious subject. What better topic than the G-spot?

Don’t forget to check out the Science of Sex archives if you’re new here!

science of sex the g-spot

The G Spot: And Other Discoveries about Human Sexuality by Beverly Whipple, Alas Ladas, and John Perry was published four years before I was born, and it’s still one of the most highly rated books about the G-spot. It introduced sexual people to the Grafenberg area, or the G-spot, inside the vagina. Despite over three decades in publication and a long list of glowing reviews lauding the book for its wealth of information, the G-spot is still treated by some people as a myth. This ignores thousands of reports of people who have successfully located and stimulated their own G-spots.

It’s understandable why. The science of the G-spot is frustrating at best. There seem to be more reviews wondering whether the G-spot exists than there are studies arguing either for or against its existence. Even trained scientists seem unsure what to do with the results of studies. Titles include words such as ‘myth” and “fantasy.” Have we really learned so little about the G-spot after so much time?

There have been several small-scale studies that investigated the location and the very existence of the G-spot. Unfortunately, many of them have either produced inconclusive results or declared that the G-spot does not exist as an entity. One of the most notable of these studies was released only in 2014, 32 years after Whipple published her book! One study looked at twins and stated simply that there is no “genetic” basis for the G-spot. Many people rely on these reports to scream, ‘See!? The G-spot doesn’t exist!”. But they’re not looking at the bigger picture.

You’ll find some sex educators remarking that this is technically correct because the G-spot isn’t distinct, an orange unto itself and the researchers understand its form and function (as well as that of the clitoral). Rather, it’s a location within the vagina through which the clitoris can be stimulated internally to elicit a sexual response. That is, the G-spot isn’t a spot, after all. This also goes to show that people misunderstand the clitoris and underestimate how large and impressive the entire structure is.

Some studies do suggest the existence of the G-spot, including one from 2012 that described it as “a distinguishable anatomic structure that is located on the dorsal perineal membrane, 16.5 mm from the upper part of the urethral meatus, and creates a 35° angle with the lateral border of the urethra”.

But just because some women experience a response through the front vaginal wall in a location identified as the G-spot doesn’t mean that others do — or even that this response will be positive or lead to orgasms or squirting (remember that I covered female ejaculation in a previous installment of Science of Sex). My own responses vary and are sometimes surprising. To expect that every person with a vagina will have a G-spot or enjoy G-spot stimulation oversimplifies the issue.

Further research is clearly necessary, and I am glad that researchers continue to look into the G-spot. I also encourage my readers to continue their own experimentation into G-spot stimulation as part of a healthy sex life.

Further Reading

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Becoming Cliterate

June 11th, 2018

Becoming Cliterate
$11.99 from Amazon

Becoming Cliterate is a book that I read a while back and intended to get around to reviewing much before now. Arg. But here I am, with my thoughts on the book that was graciously provided to me by the author herself to review.

So, who wrote Becoming Cliterate? Laurie Mintz is a Ph.D. author and therapist who is also a professor at the University of Florida. She’s about as qualified as they come to write this book, and the only reason she didn’t wind up on my post dedicated to the women of sexology is that I didn’t discover her until just after I posted it.  Had I known of her and Becoming Cliterate, I certainly would have wanted to include her on that list.

The subtitle of Becoming Cliterate explains exactly what the book is about: Why Orgasm Equality Matters — And How To Get It. Dr. Mintz wants to crush that orgasm gap and bring more pleasure to women. To do so, we’ve got to think about sex differently as the description explains.

We’ve been thinking about sex all wrong. Mainstream media, movies, and porn have taught us that sex = penis + vagina, and everything else is just secondary. Standard penetration is how men most reliably achieve orgasm. The problem is, women don’t orgasm this way. We’ve separated our most reliable route to orgasm—clitoral stimulation—from how we feel we should orgasm—penetration. As a result, we’ve created a pleasure gap between women and men.

I cannot say that I argue just reading thus far. In fact, these are some of the very same things that I try to teach my readers, so I was excited to see how Dr. Mintz tackles the issue in Becoming Cliterate. I frequently found myself nodding along as Dr. Mintz explained how many women require clitoral stimulation and that our traditional idea of sex misses the mark. I followed as she explained female anatomy, a subject I’ve even written on myself, felt fire rising within as Dr. Mintz discussed our difficult and shame recognizing female sexuality, and nodded approval when she provided suggested “Scripts” for sexual encounters that would leave both partners orgasmic and ecstatic (these three sections make up the bulk of the book).

I also found myself surprised at the new information that I gleaned from this book (a response that seems pretty common in anyone who has learned something from the good doctor!). I’ve read many books that I am more apt to recommend to people who are less familiar with sex than I am. I’ve seen a lot of repeated information, and, sure, there is some of that in Becoming Cliterate. But I was still pleasantly surprised while reading Becoming Cliterate. Bits of new-to-me information include:

  • the fact that doctors have injected collagen into the G-spot
  • that the upper two-thirds of the vagina may lack sensation enough to perform surgery without anesthetic,
  • that many women experience easier and better orgasms solo than with partners
  • that antihistamines can dry up vaginal lubrication, that vibration may increase the number of nerve endings on the clitoris
  • that some water-based lube is not compatible with polyisoprene condoms

Dr. Mintz really did her work, and this was especially apparent when she discusses searching for information about the clitoris and where/how it attaches to the inner lips. Dr. Mintz reports sources that state it attaches in one, two or either one or two spaces. In her search for the truth, Dr. Mintz even wound up contacting them, and one source updated their information. I suppose what I am saying is that even if you think you might know it all already, you don’t (neither I nor a so-called expert did!), and Becoming Cliterate might be a good resource.

While I learned a lot from Becoming Cliterate, one of Dr. Mintz’s main goals is to change the way we think about sex, a manner of thinking that leads to orgasm and pleasure disparities and pain or worse at worst. She touches on how we define sex, casual sex, and masturbation. After setting the groundwork for thinking about sex in a healthy way, Dr. Mintz proceeds to tell the reader how to actually change their actions to follow. She writes as though she’s directing a play with options for the plot; although, she precedes the four play options with “Act 1,” which can be a bit confusing.

Dr. Mintz follows this with a crucial chapter about communication, which can help readers discuss their needs for orgasm with their partners and to have better sex in general. She makes arguments against faking it, for scheduling/orchestrating sex and asking for what you need. In short, Dr. Mintz talks the real talk that will help readers have realistic sex that provides the pleasure they seek.

Her real talk continues as she closes the section of the book for female readers and segues into more practical advice for their partners. As you can tell, I feel pretty good about recommending Becoming Cliterate as it wrapped up.

Now, I have seen complaints that Becoming Cliterate does not talk about G-spot pleasure, but I do not think this is a valid critique, at least not the way that I saw it. I am not sure what readers expect: it’s right there in the name. Furthermore, Dr. Mintz explains early and frequently that both published surveys and her own experience show that most women need clitoral stimulation to achieve orgasm, including a portion of women who prefer clitoral and vaginal stimulation simultaneously to get off. The book also challenges the idea that vaginal orgasms are better in any way, so this angle is not only to be expected but completely understandable!

At best, this complaint stands only because Dr. Mintz could have used the opportunity to explain how the G-spot is simply the internal portion of the clitoris and that orgasms achieved through G-spot stimulation are just another type of clitoral orgasm.

In fact, if I have a criticism of Becoming Cliterate, it’s that the focus is on orgasm (Dr. Mintz says at one point that “quality sex means orgasm equality”) when we all know very much that is it not the only vehicle of pleasure and sometimes focusing on orgasm as a means to pleasure can be shooting yourself in the foot. To be fair. Dr. Mintz does touch on this, explaining that she wants to close the orgasm gap while recognizing the very point I just made. I understand that this may be the only way you can write a book like Becoming Cliterate. But her point comes near the end of the book where attention may have waned and after people may have already gotten the wrong idea. I would simply like to see her reiterate it toward the beginning while keeping the notes toward the end just to ensure that readers understand that this emphasis doesn’t intend to exclude non-orgasm-based pleasure.

But my critiques are few and far between. Dr. Mintz wrote a book that’s approachable and easily digested. It’s not intimidating. Dr. Mintz is personable and, at times, funny. She includes a chapter for (male) partners to read to increase their own cliteracy and help their female partners become more orgasmic. Although the focus is on heterosexual partners, Becoming Cliterate doesn’t exclude any other pairing.

Perhaps best of all is that the advice in this book is both actionable and fun. I’ve read books that erred too far on the “fun” side, resulting in a loss of information. I’ve also read books that were informative but lacked ways for readers to incorporate that information into their lives. With Becoming Cliterate, I think Dr. Laurie Mintz succeeds at both, and I feel confident in recommending this books to my readers.

Get it now on Amazon for your Kindle in hardcover or in the newly-released paperback version!

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Real Nude Helio Silicone Suction Cup Dildo

June 4th, 2018

Real Nude Helio Silicone Suction Cup Dildo
$38.99 from SheVibe

If you’ve been around a while, you probably know that silicone dildos are really hit or miss with me. Few have stolen my heart, and the ones that have done so in a big way.

I feel a bit like Goldilocks when it comes down to it. While velvety textures work well for vibrators, I am not as enthused about them for my dildos. So, too, have I enjoyed large vibrators, but I wasn’t sold by Tantus’ Goliath. Speaking of that dildo, the silicone was nearly rigid, something I like in glass, but apparently not in silicone. It wasn’t until I tried VixSkin that I really fell in love with silicone – and then had my heart broken when I accidentally used silicone lube with my Spur and ruined it.

One of the more recent silicone dildos to earn my whole-hearted (whole-vagina’ed?) approval was the Unicorn Horn Dildo by Split Peaches, which comes in both iridescent white and two Pride-appropriate rainbows. Several years before then, I appreciated the Tantus Faerie; although, I rarely use it.

So it was about time for me to try a new dildo, and the Real Nude Helio Silicone Suction Cup Dildo is it. SheVibe sent me this dildo to review, and I must admit that I am behind the times. I hadn’t realized how many companies were making dual-density dildos, which I seem to enjoy more than traditional single-density silicone. Nor did I realize that Ducky Doolittle had joined the company, a large part of their overall improvement, I am sure.

So you have dual-density silicone in fun and realistic designs with fanciful colors. Sounds like a good deal, right? And I do like several things about the Real Nude Helio]. First, the dual-density silicone is the shiny type (yup, it’s going to attract any hair, fur or piece of lint within arm’s length) with a squishy outer layer. To be honest, I think the core is softer than other dual-density, but it still manages a steady thrust. If, however, you’re the type who uses your dildos more vigorously, then the Helio might not cut it for you.

Real Nude Helio Dildo

Helio has some serious give

I enjoyed the squish and think I could take a larger toy in diameter than the Helio because of it. It’s only [measurements], so it doesn’t seem intimidating. A good middle-of-the-road dildo.

I am hesitant to recommend it as a G-spotter because while I was able to achieve some G-spot stimulation, mine is quite easily reached and it was the pressure from insertion more than the size or angle that helped me do so. Helio does have a very slight curve of the shaft as well as a contoured head, but I am not sure that the design of these two makes that much sense. You see, if you insert this dildo so that the curve is facing your G-spot or P-spot, the contoured head is not. You’re making contact with the smoother side. For someone who requires that hook or bulb to get the job done, Helio is probably not going to be the right toy.

There is another perk, however, as you can see in you see in my photos. It does have a suction cup base, so you can stick it on our shower wall or even a window to use as you see fit. It’s not a feature that I make much use of other than for taking photos, but I know some of my readers will like it.

Overall, my opinion of the Real Nude Helio Dildo is hotter than lukewarm. I think it feels nice, but the shape isn’t as specialized for G-spot stimulation as I or many of my readers might prefer. A more curved shaft and a head that contours to stimulate your G-spot would make more sense. Otherwise, I think a larger shaft might make this a winner for someone who fancies themselves a size king/queen.

My first impressions with blush’s real nude line were enticing enough that I would try another in the line, and I’ll certainly keep my eye out for pieces in the line that have more interesting shapes. But it’ll take more than what Real Nude offers to dethrone my favorite VixSkin toys. But at less than $40, they’re not really in competition.

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Science of Sex: Female Sexual Dysfunction

May 19th, 2018

Welcome to my latest installment of Science of Sex. I’ve officially be doing these for more than a year and have more planned! If you want to check out my archives, click here. Otherwise, enjoy this month’s post!science of sex - female sexual dysfunction

Today we’re venturing into the realm of female sexual dysfunction, just what it is, and why that title might not actually be helpful.

At its heart, female sexual dysfunction is an issue with sexual functioning in a woman. This can include a number of conditions and concerns, but four of the main ones are:

  • Desire : Many women and sometimes their partners describe their lack of spontaneous desire as a dysfunction. However, studies show that women are more likely to have responsive desire than men. This is not a dysfunction as much as it is a difference in sexual function. Furthermore, some have suggested that the traditional stages of arousal may not apply as well to women whose arousal process is more cyclical. It’s also important to understand that a woman’s sexual brakes are often quite touchy (learn more about this). Finally, low desire often corresponds to relationship issues, so it’s not so much a sign of sexual dysfunction as it is one of relationship dysfunction.
  • Arousal: Female sexual dysfunction can also present as a lack of physical arousal. This highlights further incorrect assumptions or beliefs about female sexuality. First, it doesn’t take into consideration that women are much less likely to experience concordance – an alignment between mental desire and physical arousal – than men and, secondly, it ignores the variance in a woman’s natural lubrication.
  • Orgasm: Some women may describe their inability to orgasm through sexual intercourse as dysfunction, but multiple surveys have found that the majority of women need clitoral stimulation to orgasm and very few achieving orgasm solely through penetration. At least one study reports a group of women who prefer penetration/sex with their clit stim as a way to get off.
  • Pain: Too many women experience pain during intercourse (in fact, at least one study has found that the bar for good sex for women is so low that they simply describe it as sex that is not painful). This is often remedied by increasing foreplay to encourage arousal, using lube and improved sexual communication. While conditions such as vaginismus and endometriosis can lead to pain during sex, painful sex can also be a symptom of poor technique and can often be ameliorated by changing the script.

Of course, there are other types of dysfunction, including those that center on physical issues and are not rooted in psychological or romantic distress. But the solution or treatment to any one of these “dysfunctions” may not be at all alike to the treatment for any other dysfunction.

The problem is that the term sexual dysfunction itself is not well-defined, and female sexual dysfunction is even more poorly defined because the umbrella term lumps together so many potential issues, including those that may be easily rectified by a better understanding of female sexuality. Furthermore, having a stronger grasp on female sexuality would show that some so-called dysfunctions are simply functions of sexuality in women that do not need to be pathologized. Of course, it’s not like men don’t suffer from this. It’s not a dysfunction if men ejaculate within ten minutes — it’s the norm — but the deep-seated misunderstanding of female sexual function had led to a lot of suffering.

Fortunately, doctors have devised questionnaires such as the aptly-named Sexual Function Questionnaire, and other tools to more readily diagnose sexual dysfunctions and focus on the root of the problem, whether it may be physical, relational, or a combination of factors. Sex therapists and educators are also making great strides in adjusting public and personal views of normal and healthy sexual function. For example, Dr. Emily Nagoski has written about desire and arousal in her book Come As You Are, Dr. Laurie Mintz shed light on clitoral stimulation in her own book Becoming Cliterate, and Dr. Lori Brotto helps women experience greater sexual function in her recently-released book Better Sex Through Mindfulness.

It should come as no surprise that women working on sexual research and providing sex therapy offer unique insight into female sexuality and what truly is dysfunction. If you’re interested in that topic, check out my post on  about the Women of Sexology

Further Reading

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Celebrating #MasturbationMonth and Solo Sex

May 10th, 2018

We’re less than halfway through Masturbation Month, and I am quick enough to write a post celebrating it! Inconceivable!

I can’t remember the first time I masturbated. I know that I was making my Barbies have sex and contemplated my own pleasure when I was in the single digits. I thought of my vagina as the place that was supposed to give me pleasure, but I enjoyed clitoral friction. Like so many girls, my young masturbating often involved humping a pillow or blanket to sate this desire.

Nor do I recall the first time I masturbated with a toy. I know that I was 18 and living on my own for the first time. I purchased a vibrator online and soon followed this with a Rabbit Habit and then a second when that one broke because of the way that I liked to bend the toy during use.

Sometime between these two firsts, I had masturbated for the first time in someone else’s house. In fact, I think I have masturbated in nearly every home I’ve ever had the opportunity to sleep in, not to mention several hotels.

The first time I tried anal masturbation was shortly after I got my first vibrator, a purple behemoth that was likely made from jelly. I wanted to try anal insertion in the shower, so snuck it in the bathroom without my roommate seeing. I don’t know if I even owned lube at the time, and I certainly didn’t realize that jelly toys shouldn’t be swapped between orifices like that. In hindsight, it’s embarrassing but also a testament to my willingness to experiment.

I used those toys when I masturbated vociferously over the phone with my fiance (a naturally leap from our previous cyber sex) with whom I had partnered sex for the first time. He was also the first person I masturbated in front of, both on purpose and accidentally.

I was living overseas when I masturbated in public for the first time. Although, it was a limited definition of “public.” I was in the very last row of an otherwise empty bus and quickly rubbed one out through my jeans. I would not do that again.

The first time I squirted was during masturbation. My then-husband was deployed once more, and I was alone. I had inserted Ophoria’s K-balls and pressed a vibrator (the Miracle Massager). against them. This created intense G-spot stimulated thanks to the size of the balls. And the inner balls bounced around as the K-balls vibrated.

I remember the first time that I cried during masturbation. Things had recently ended with The Bartender. Every time I masturbated, I missed him and our amazing sex. I wasn’t ready to be back to doing it solo. I would often come or ejaculate and sometimes cry. I also recall the first time that I cried during masturbation that didn’t make me feel distressed. I was using the Unicorn dildo, and it seemed to pull an emotional catharsis as well as ejaculate out of me.

More recently, I tried my hand at bringing myself to orgasm as many times as possible in a single session (I typically advise that the number of orgasms doesn’t count). I typically get off three or so times during any session but this time, I wasn’t going to call it quits until I actually couldn’t stand it anymore. I had ten or eleven orgasms before the muscles in my forearm were sore and stiff and needed relief.

It was only several months ago when I used my right hand to masturbate for the first time. It had taken me over thirty years to try it, mostly because I am so laterally-handed. Since then, I’ve tried right-handed masturbating a few more time, but I will never be an ambidextrous masturbator.

I am an avid fan of masturbating. Whether single or in a relationship. In fact, I might even jerk off more when I have someone to send sexy messages to or with whom to have phone sex.

At any given time, I’d prefer to masturbate over having sex if I am unsure of the quality of the sex. If I was positive that partner play would be satisfying, I would prefer it. I occasionally miss a sensual or erotic massage where my partner lightly tickles my upper back. But having sex for the sake of having sex? Doesn’t cut it. I am not so enthralled by novelty that it’s enough to make up for the quality of sex that most straight guys seem to bring to the table.

In fact, I am not really swayed by novelty much at all at this point in my life. Although people like Epiphora have discussed how sex toy reviewers must sometimes force ourselves to use subpar toys when we’ve rather be playing with anything than else, I mean something more than that. More often than not, I do not want to use any toy. I started an orgasm spreadsheet earlier this year, which is now collecting dust because I almost always rub on out manually through my underwear, usually getting off two or three times. It’s so routine. I certainly don’t want to use multiple toys. It all just sounds like so much work.

Of course, I do try new toys and partners. I do sometimes crave toys specifically — often only to realize they have dead batteries because it’s been so long since I last reached for them. I do wonder whether another person or another toy can do it better. I usually write about them on this blog. I wouldn’t be much of a sex toy reviewer if I didn’t!

But sometimes it’s nice to return to my old standby. To get off without needing to prepare or worry about a partner’s pleasure. And isn’t the one of the great joys of masturbating?

This is a sponsored post but all words are my own.

Psst, if you’re looking to pick up some new toys to celebrate Masturbation Month, check out my list of sex toy sales!

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Sex Toy Sales + Coupons

April 28th, 2018

Below you’ll find the best deals on sex toys from all the shops that I work with and support. I’ll earn a commission if you click and shop. Thanks for supporting me!

Check back frequently for new sales on sex toys, lingerie and BDSM goodies — not to mention freebies!

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Science of Sex: Female Ejaculation

April 28th, 2018

Guess what guys?! I’ve been writing the Science of Sex once a month for over a year. That’s pretty awesome! I am definitely glad to take suggestions like I did with this post. Just leave a comment, and it could become next month’s topic!

science of sex female ejaculation

To be honest, I didn’t really want to write a post about female ejaculation, but this is a request from a friend, so I decided to dip a toe into the water — if that’s what it even is.

Therein really lies the issue with female ejaculation, FE for short. Researchers have yet to prove what exactly is it; although, at least one study have claimed it’s just pee. Whenever a science team makes this claim, however, women are not so happy about it. It’s similar to when reports arise claiming that no G-spot exists.

Let’s start with what we do know:

  • All women are able to squirt a small amount of liquid, prostatic secretion, which contains prostate-specific antigen, that’s created in the Skene’s glands, also known as the paraurethral glands. The fluid is milky and white.
  • Some women are able to ejaculate a larger amount of liquid. It also comes from the urethra but is much greater in volume. This liquid is stored in the bladder before ejaculation.
  • Some women may be able to ejaculate but do not, so the liquid moves backward. This is known as retrograde ejaculation.

Here’s something else we know: FE in porn is often fakes. A woman’s vagina is filled with water, and she pushes it out. It looks good from the camera, but it’s not coming from the urethra.

But let’s back up. There’s one survey that I cannot ignore when talking about female ejaculation. In this survey, researchers used ultrasounds to view bladders. The women used the bathrooms to empty their bladders, and this was verified by the ultrasound. The women began stimulating themselves. After these women had orgasms, researchers collected samples from the liquid. Researchers used the ultrasound to show that the bladder was again empty. Although, we aren’t aware of how long it was between scans.

Some of the liquid contained PSA, but researchers determined there was also urine by looking for urea, creatinine, and uric acid (although, there were no trends between levels measured before, during and after FE). They concluded that squirting prostatic fluid and gushing were two different activities. This was not the first study to come to this conclusion.

However, at least five previous studies have also looked for these chemical markers and found no sign of creatinine in FE.

The one thing that struck me, assuming the newer French study is accurate, was that perhaps any fluid in the bladder would contain trace amounts of the chemicals that scientists tested for in the FE. Could it be not that this means these chemicals are markers of urine but simply markers of fluid that has been contained in the bladder? If that were the case, how would we absolutely define what is urine and what isn’t?

According to Dr. Debby Hebernick, female ejaculate is very diluted urine. This is backed up by anecdotal evidence that FE has a different smell/taste from urine. Dr. Grafenberg also described FE as having “no urinary character.”

I’ve also read from medical professionals that this diluted urine has not been filtered by the kidneys and perhaps could not be due to the volume of fluid.

I don’t know of any studies have that tested the following claim, but it’s worth mentioning. Medications that affect urine do not necessarily affect FE, perhaps because it’s not filtered by the kidneys.

The only thing that remains for sure after the 2015 study is that more research must be done, especially with a control group larger than seven women. And scientists must ask more specific questions than “Does FE contain these chemical markers?”.

Some studies have asked better questions than this one. For example, the writers ponder whether FE might serve an antimicrobial purpose, which could spell good news for people who struggle with UTIs from sex.

Other papers remind us that female ejaculation was readily accepted as a sexual function thousands of years ago, but society seems to have forgotten this a time or two.

But as it the case with so many aspects of female sexuality, we need to spend more money and time to learn more.

More information about female ejaculation

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