Moving with Sex Toys

September 11th, 2012

I recently moved, and I’ve just now finished unpacking all my sex toys. Unpacking went far more quickly than packing. I knew exactly what I had and exactly where it was going. The bulk of them went into a rolling luggage thingermajib that was pretty heavy. I’d already gotten rid of plenty of toys. I mailed off eight or so boxes for swaps, gave some things to the former roommate and finally bit the bullet and threw away a lot of jelly/TPR shit. Slowly, I whittled my way down to a single drawer of toy swaps from an entire dresser full. It felt  awesome.

Unfortunately, I wound up with a drawer of toys I’d hoped to swap and forgot about when moving day came. While I was dropping off my cats at the new place, my aunt’s boyfriend opened the drawer to check that it was empty, and it wasn’t. He specifically dragged my roommate aside to point out what he’d found, but I don’t know how much of a big deal he made out of it. She told me when I came back, and everything that was in that drawer simply went into the trash. Unfortunately, my sister saw the Santa duckie and was all “oh! why don’t you want people to see this drawer?” I said I’d explain later, and my aunt quickly ushered her out.

Later, the aunt’s boyfriend brought it up in the truck, but he said “at least it wasn’t that bad. He’d lived with another couple and the wife had a penchant for carrots.” That was an entire story I’d like to avoid. I don’t know who else saw the toys, and most of them were in boxes, anyway, but there’s a lesson to be learned here: if you’re going to move, don’t forget sex toys in a dresser drawer. If you do, make sure you’re not there when people find them.

There’s a secondary lesson to this post, too. If you’re going to use a storage container like the locking case and it happens to get bumped during moving, make sure you included the default combination and the way to reset the combination lock on your sex toy review blog. You’ll thank yourself later.

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Big Boss

September 10th, 2012

Fun Factory G4 Big Boss

Fun Factory G4 Big Boss
from

Fun Factory currently offers the Big Boss G5 and the Boss dildo. 

I know, I’m ridiculous. This review has been a long time coming. A long time. But it’s one that I wanted to write for a couple of reasons, mostly because I quite like this toy and also because the comparison to the Big Boss is necessary. With a capital N. I loved my original Boss. In fact, that was the very name of the review. It remains a toy that’s pretty firm and pretty large, something that usually makes me hate all other toys, but I like the Boss. I like Fun Factory. I liked the vibrations. I liked the little clitoral nub, and I liked fucking myself with this vibrator. Got it? Okay.

So, I wanted to see if I’d like the Big Boss better. And was it really bigger? And would it be stronger or buzzier as a rechargeable version?

First things first. The Big Boss is bigger than the Boss. I’ve read more than one review that claims otherwise. Shut the fuck up. The Boss has a slightly smaller 1.6″ diameter. The Big Boss upgrades this to 1.75″. Neither are the biggest toys ever, but the silicone remains the same on both models. You can bend the shaft slightly, but it’s pretty firm. Fun Factory’s finish also creates a lot of drag that makes insertion pretty difficult. Not everyone likes it. I’m not going to lie to you all: I barely got this thing in. If G-spot stimulation were the end-all and be-all, this toy would have failed. It really would have. The Big Boss is too big for my tiny vagina (vaginy?!?) at this point. Now, if I were having sex or constantly using insertables or didn’t develop spasms at the thought of warming up, this wouldn’t be the case, but the Big Boss is a solid toy, and I just can’t do it. But that’s my fault, not its fault.

By the time I got anything inserted, I felt like I’d used an entire bottle of lube. It was only like 1/4, but, you know, I was all sorts of slippery. This was a freakin’ masturbation adventure, and who doesn’t like adventures?! The contoured head of this and a little lube and my clit is, like, the best adventure I’ve ever been on. I know, I know, this is an internal vibrator, but it works pretty damned well on my clit, and that’s precisely why I’ll be keeping it around. Even if it doesn’t work for its intended purpose, the Big Boss works damned well for other purposes. Multitasking motherfucker.

The Big Boss is also molded differently from the original. You might not even realize it from the pictures, but I noticed it. The one feature that I really liked with the Boss is that little clitoral nub. The shaft curves slightly, and on the inside of the curve is a little nub. It’s the result of two ridges that run parallel gently swooping together toward the handle/base of the vibe.. and it does nothing if you insert this straight, but I would insert the boss only halfway and, then, pull the rest upward, which allowed my clit to enjoy the pressure of the nub.

Unfortunately, the Big Boss pays homage but fails at offering any clitoral stimulation. The Big Boss has a ride on the outside of the curve, and I couldn’t feel it at all. On the whole, the Big Boss is straighter, while the original has a relaxed “S” shape. There’s this decorative ridge that gives the impression of a nub toward the base, but it does jack shit for my clit. I am ranting in rhymes. That’s how much it sucks. I don’t know why Fun Factory deviated but they were wrong.

However, I like the move to rechargeable. The original used the same buttons, with the addition of a boost button. I don’t know about you guys, but I don’t want to have to push down an extra button when I want extra juice. All the buttons were frustratingly difficult to press to boot. This isn’t the case with the Big Boss. The buttons are soft and responsive, and the base has that light that turns on when you touch it. All in all, it’s a vast improvement. I do find the looped handle better in theory than practice. My arms, hands, and fingers just don’t work at the right angles to work it, but it’s not like I can’t use the vibrator.

This used Fun Factory’s magnetic charger. It means the thing is waterproof if you want to go deep-sea diving with your Big Boss–I joke. The charger is finicky, though. You need to line it up just right and make sure not to bump it. You’ll probably want to check on it every so often to make sure it’s still charging. I say this from experience.

So does this produce a vibration that satisfies me? Yes. The Big Boss is definitely stronger than its predecessor. When I hold them both, I can feel it. The Big Boss is also a little buzzier. Normally, this would be a con, but I can’t fault it. Most manufacturers only give us strong and super buzzy, so I’ll accept this level of vibration. The comparison makes me realize, however, that giving the original a 4/5 stars for vibration was really generous. It’s probably only a three; although, the vibrations are the deep kind that I like. The newest model is a buzzy 4-ish. It’s no Hitachi, but it’ll do pig, it’ll do.

The Big Boss also slightly annoys me with the digital motor whine. Mine doesn’t seem cheap, per se, but it seems like something is loose-ish. I can’t say if it’s just mine or the whole line. My G4 Calla didn’t seem that way at all. Regardless, it wasn’t anything so distracting that I couldn’t enjoy the Big Boss. Ultimately, I have a lot of little complaints, and they would have resulted in a negative review for any other toy. The Big Boss didn’t do what I expected, but after a night with it, I was still flushed and sweating and on the other side of several orgasms. Who am I to complain?!

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What Every Online Sex Toy Store Needs To Have

September 9th, 2012

I’m surprised I haven’t written an article like this in the past, but I feel qualified to write one. If you run a store, if you want to, if you work with a sex toy retailer, run social media for one or are otherwise associated, take heed.

New Additions

I always know that SheVibe will show me new arrivals and change product order!

Listen, I’ve been around the block a time or two, so I know what’s already out there. What I want to know, especially if I’ve been a loyal customer of yours, is what’s new. You need to let me organize your categories by date added, at the very least. What I really prefer, however, is a “recent additions” page, or something similar. Plus, this makes your website look updated, which it should be.

Social Media Prescence

Social media isn’t rocket science, but it does take time. With it, you can build relationships and bill yourself as personal, a face behind the company. As a consumer, I sometimes use social media to verify whether you’re a legitimate business. When you’re on Facebook, Twitter, or Instagram, you instantly have access to your followers, who are often doom scrolling, anyway. Tell us what’s new or highlight product features. Give us coupons on Twitter, and we’ll shop at your site. Tell us when something’s on sale, and we’ll love you forever.

A Review System

Now, if no sex toy store had a review system, I’d be okay. After all, that’s sort of why this website and my reviews exist. And plenty of people don’t use on-site review systems to get their reviews, or they supplement them with reviews from sites like mine.

Lovehoney’s reviews put helpful information right at your fingertips!

But if you put those reviews right on your site, you provide an extra reason for consumers to use your website. You provide a form of interaction that cements your store in the customer’s mind. It gives you a good idea of products that are worth selling and putting on sale and those that you should drop. Reviews: you can’t go wrong with them.

People Skills

One of the websites that has frustrated me the most does so because the staff lacks people skills. There’s no understanding. There’s no polite asking. There’s only demanding and dictatorships. There are strict rules that change on a whim and a total breakdown of communication. You do not want to be that company.

Basic and Luxury Toys

I don’t always recommend a luxury toy. After all, I’ve tried plenty of Lelo and Jimmyjane toys that just didn’t do it. My favorite bullet isn’t luxury, and we don’t all have deep pockets. Yet some people do have a larger budget. Or choose to live in crappy apartments but splurge on sex toys. Some people save up all year. Others comb the Internet for sales like these. If you only focus on the super cheap or the amazingly expensive, you’re missing out on a large demographic. You’re making consumers go to other retailers to meet their needs and doing yourself no good.

Updated Stock

Just like I wanted to see what’s new, I want there to simply be new things. Add new toys and remove those that are no longer in production. If you have the resources, give us a system that lets us set alerts. Tell us how many are in stock (which can even encourage sales). Nothing’s worse than ordering from a company only to find out that the product doesn’t exist except, maybe, seeing ten-year-old toys that you know aren’t actually available on a site.

Babeland offers in-person and virtual sex education workshops that prove they understand sex (toy) safety!

Sex Toy Knowledge

I appreciate that many retailers have taken the time to remove vagina-tightening creams and toys with phthalates. Before they could make that decision, they had to know what items could potentially be harmful. My personal favorite? Toys described for anal play that obviously aren’t safe for the backdoor. When you know about toys and aren’t simply trying to make a quick buck, you know how to categorize them, pass on bad toys, and better answer customer questions. Win-win, right?

A God-damned Search Feature

Please let me search your every page with a little form on your every page. Please do not use a search plugin that does not respond immediately and interrupts or erases my typing.

So you want to know which (mostly) shops do these things? SheVibe, Good Vibes, and Lovehoney.

This is, by no means, a definitive list. There are plenty of things that a sex toy store should have. There are even more things that a store should have–and plenty of things it shouldn’t—if it also wants to run a successful community. What would you add to the list?

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Facts You Didn’t Know About Sex Toys [Infographic]

August 20th, 2012

Adam and Eve scandalous facts

Presented by Adam & Eve – Scandalous facts you didn’t know about sex toys

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Make love to your long distance lover online

Body and Soul Connection Vibrator

August 18th, 2012

Body & Soul Connection

Body & Soul Connection
from

This is an archived review of a discontinued item.

This vibe either looks like the eyeball guy from Aah! Real Monsters or a laser robot from the video game Portal. The latter is exactly why I requested to review it, even though another model in the line up looks slightly more turret-like. Unfortunately, all the reasons that would have caused me to pass up this sex toy are exactly the reasons I should have.

It took me less than thirty seconds to realize this, honestly. The vibrations, powered by 2AAA batteries are super buzzy. Although it’s easy enough to switch through them with the single button, there’s not much difference between any of the settings, except for the horrible whine that I could hear over music that I was listening to at the moment. This was common in Lelo’s old toys, but it bugs me whether a toy costs less than $50 or more than $100.

The vibrations are so buzzy that I wouldn’t be surprised if someone told me this was powered by watch batteries. In fact, my body simply stopped being able to feel the vibrations after a few seconds. I kid you not. While the rabbit-ear-like attachments are flexible and rounded in a way that surrounds the clitoris nicely, but the depth of the vibrations is simply too high-pitched to to anything. Honestly, I think I might have liked this a bit more, if the vibrations had been deeper. I’m not surprised that they weren’t. Some folks would suggest that this is “Great for newbies”, but I just can’t see how this vibe is all that good for anyone. Does a person exist who is really, honestly that sensitive?!

Still, while I don’t normally like fluttering rabbit ears, the arms on this guy are a little less flexible. They don’t flop back and forth, and they’re wider, so they really hug my clit in a way that could be effective. I usually like pressure, though, and this design really doesn’t offer that. However, I do like that the single push-button works well when you turn the toy around. There’s technically two ways you can hold this flat against your body/around your clit, and this lets you find the best position for the button.

Connection's annoying battery packThis toy is kind of like the less awesome version of the Form 2, which I already didn’t like and have recently swapped away. The plastic base is round, and this toy is bigger so it’s easier for me to hold. However, you have to twist the bottom directly off from the top to insert the (useless) batteries. The whole thing is awkward, and it uses that quarter-twist style that I always have trouble lining up. Plus, the batteries sit in there vertically, without much support. They fall out pretty easily. Obnoxious, dudes.

At least Jimmyjane got the quality down. The Connection has soft silicone up top and shiny plastic on the bottom, and it’s not seamless in the least. In fact, there’s a visible line between the two portions of the toy, and it looks like a gout line full of gunk. Upon closer inspection, it’s not filled with gunk–thank God!–it’s just that the cut of the plastic is super sloppy. This toy feels low-quality now matter how you cut it.

Given the vibrations and the poor quality, I’m surprised by the MSRP. Luckily, sellers on Amazon offer this for less than half. I don’t know if I’d even spend $25 on this, but that’s a smaller hit to your wallet, if you’re convinced this will work for you.

Am I surprised though? Eh, not really. I almost always need something that uses AAs. The shape here does have some redeeming qualities, but it can’t overshadow all the things that bother me about the Body & Soul Connection.

CEN Sexpert

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Bondage Boutique Faux Tiger Fur Spanking Paddle

August 10th, 2012

Faux Tiger Fur Spanking Paddle

Faux Tiger Fur Spanking Paddle

Lovehoney has since discontinued the Tiger Fur Paddle, but they still have other items available under their Bondage Boutique line, including some plan furry ones.

I’m into the tiger things lately. Remember those cuffs? Well, this paddle is better. Ultimately, they were pretty cheap, and not stripey in the right way. It’s probably a complaint you don’t often hear. You’re welcome.

The only real negative I can state is that it smells. Out of the package, there was an overwhelming fake leather smell. You’ve smelled it before, I’m sure, and it might not even bother you. I just don’t love it.

Otherwise, it’s on to the pros. This is actually smaller than expect. The span of the fingers on my tiny hands is bigger than the paddle, but that’s not a horrible thing. For one, you can control is easily. It’s also good on petite behinds.

I was impressed with the plushness of the fur. The stripes are great–not exactly realistic but appealing to my eye. To my hands, this fur is way plush. Sticks up and over and offers a lot of padding. It’s much more plush, for example, than this fur slapper I reviewed a while back. When you smack someone’s ass with this, it’s soft and thuddy. The impact spreads out, rather than landing in one place.

Even if I give it my all, I can’t do much damage with that side; although, you can flip it over and use the fake leather side. Still, the paddle is just a little bit flexible, so I find that this lessens the impact. It doesn’t impede performance necessarily, but it makes this paddle on the lighter side of bondage. On LoveHoney, the review system asks you to rate kinkiness. I guess I chose about 3.5 because, to be honest, it doesn’t seem that kinky to me.

The handle is bordered in metal rivets to add to its hardcore appearance, but this tiger is really a kitten. Technically, you could use the handle as a paddle to get more stimulation, and it would be more acute than using the furred paddle.

At the end of a handle is a leather strap, which helps you keep your grip while using the toy and makes it easy to store. I’d wipe it down with a damp cloth if you have any cleaning to do.

Although I haven’t had a chance to really use this, it seems like a well-made toy at a decent price. It delivers both in looks and feel, and it’s non-intimidating if you’re just getting into impact play. I’m definitely interested to see what the rest of the Bondage Boutique has in store!

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Categories: BDSM, Reviews
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STD Testing: The Real Deal

August 7th, 2012

The Real Deal

Courtesy of The Real Deal

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Image © MisterUnlucky; used with permission.