Who Should Read Sex Toy Reviews

December 31st, 2011

At first glance, it might seem that reviewers like me are writing only for people who might be interested in buying sex toys. But many more people can benefit from reading these reviews, and y

Consumers

Whether it’s your first and you have no idea which direction to go in or it’s your fiftieth and you want to know if a specific toy will work for you, reviews are helpful. Hands-on descriptions of sex toys and similar items are so important and can help you determine if a toy is for you or not. Plus, reviewers can include photos and images that give more detail and show things in reality, unlike planned publicity photos with expensive cameras, photoshopping, and extensive lighting.

Sexy toy haters

One of the things I’ve learned about sex toys and sex toy reviewers from reading reviews is that we are normal people. We are your neighbor, teachers, boss, or friend. Sure, some people have kinks that are further out, and others lead alternative lifestyles. However, this doesn’t make them any more devious than you are with whatever secrets you surely have. Enjoying sex toys is a healthy and normal thing, and analyzing them with reviews shows how they are similar to every other consumer product.

Retailers

Retailers who pay attention to what they sell and have guidelines about what they don’t sell can benefit from reading reviews. If you simply want to know whether a product is truly luxurious or whether your consumer demographic would actually purchase a toy, read some reviews. Debating a new line to carry, check out some reviews. Want a unique angle for pitching toys to customers? I think you see where I’m going with this.

Sex toy manufacturers

This one is a given, but many times, I feel like the creators don’t listen to me, even if they’re the ones sending me toys. I’m not telling you to pull a toy from the shelves, but if you do (I’m talking to you Papaya Toys!), I respect that you respect me and are listening. Maybe you’re not going to go that far, but you’re going to release newer, better versions of your toys, like SI did with the WeVibe, and reviews are going to show you room for improvement. I don’t think I’m alone when I say that you can pump out hundreds or thousands of products, but if you keep making the same cheap toys and the same mistakes, we’re going to buy from other manufacturers.

(Potential) reviewers

One of the awesome things about sex toy reviewers, is we’ve really developed a standard, unlike a lot of product industries. Reading reviews is one of the best ways to learn what other people want to know because we tend to write about the things we would want to know when we read reviews. Reading reviews can help you develop your voice, strengthen your writing skills, and even make friends.

So I guess I better let you get back to reading my reviews, eh?

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Cake Body Butter

December 28th, 2011

Cake Body Butter

Cake Body Butter

Thankfully, this terrible product is no longer available.

It’s fucking perplexing is what it is. How did TopCo come up with the Cake line of body products? How did they design them so gorgeously? How did they plant the idea into my head that I needed them? And how the hell did they create body butters that smell rancid?

If you don’t live in a barn or Afghanistan, then you know I’ve been wanting to try these products for a while. I did try the lipgloss and it was all right. It didn’t put me off, though! I’ll just try a different product, a different scent. Surely I’ll like some of it?! So I was pretty damned excited when the folks at OurNaughtySecrets scent me not one but three of the body butters. I was all kid-in-a-candy shop when I opened the box because, in my opinion, Topco really struck it out of the park with this line.

The packaging is all feminine colors and cartoon pin-ups, reminiscent of a simpler time. Each scent features a different girl and color scheme. For instance, red velvet is pink and boasts a bosomy blonde who reminds me, ever-so-slightly, of Nancy Drew. Y’know, if she were a bosomy blonde who wanted to suck my cock.

The lotion comes in jars but the jars themselves sit in little cardboard boxes that open from the top, like bakery boxes. Except for the Angel Food Cake. That one has some weird hanging box design that is awkward. Still, the design is cute and the jars themselves have metal lids which already remind me of something you’d find in the kitchen or bakery.


Then you open them up and SWEET MOTHER OF JESUS CHRIST WHAT THE FUCK IS THE ATROCITY I AM GOING TO KILL MYSELF THRICE!!!! AAAHHUYTTRFDQWGWQGARGLE! And that is putting it nicely. Something went horribly, horribly, God-awfully wrong with the actual formula. The body butters smell rancid. There’s no other way to put it. I’m not entirely sure that the ingredients didn’t somehow start to ferment as the product sat in a warehouse and on trucks during shipping. Or maybe no one smelled the products after the final testing phase. Either way, it.is.bad.guys.

The Devil’s Food cake smells like rancid chocolate. Like you made some pudding, let it rot for a year and a half while you were in a coma, came home and thought “Hey, maybe it’s still good.” It’s not. The red velvet smells startlingly similar; although, it’s more generically sweet and rancid. To be honest, it’s kind of hard to pin down what red velvet actually smells like and I couldn’t even describe the taste but I’m sure this is not it.

The Angel Food doesn’t actually smell rancid. It could be getting there, though. There’s just a hint of something that I don’t like so while I am going to throw away the body butters in the other scents, I will probably try to use this one. Once I put it on, the scent seems much more balanced. It’s got a kind of vanilla/white-cake smell going on but there’s a definite hint of something like hazelnut which doesn’t belong. I had the same complaint about the lip gloss so.. at least they got it wrong consistently? It’s not awful, though, just nuttier than I’d like.

The body butter is thick and whipped. It’s fun. It rubs into the skin nicely, rather than slathering about on top of it, and does leave my skin faster. However, the containers are only about half full. Perhaps Topco meant to only fill it to below the brim but it’s shifted in transit and has moved to only one half of the jar.

So, the jars are super cute and after I empty them, I will definitely want to put stuff in them. Like pennies, except I have this awesome change counting jar. What the hell should I do with the cute containers from the awful atrocities Topco calls Cake?

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Categories: Reviews, Sexual Health and Beauty
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Make love to your long distance lover online

Fetish Fantasy Series Beginner’s Ball Gag

December 17th, 2011

Beginner's Ball Gag - Black

Beginner's Ball Gag - Black
17.99 from Pipedream

Welp, my first ball gag experience was not beginner-friendly. It’s not necessarily the fault of Pipedream; although, the generic copy they provide to retailers doesn’t explain that this is a 1.75″ diameter gag and that’s pretty important information if you have a tiny mouth like I do. So, I can’t even get this in my mouth. I’d have to shove it in there and there’s no way it would come out without breaking some teeth or bones. Not cool.

But if you know you can use a ball gag of this size, it’s cheap and decently made. The ball is made of rubber and strung on a nylon strap. It’s not fixed in place so it can slide to the left and right a few inches but the length of nylon to which the ball is attached is actually attached to another piece of strap with D-rings that are attached via rivets. These pieces stop the ball from moving forever. Technically, this ball gag comes in 3-pieces.

The point of those detachable straps is confusing if you buy this product, but if you realize that Pipedream makes a ball gag training set, it’s likely that they once made a similar set that reused some of these parts. Of course, they’re only snaps, so they’re not locked in place but they actually do require a bit of effort for me to unsnap. You have to use both of the straps in order to create a full loop, though.

One of the straps ends in two D-rings, while the other is just the strap that you loop through both, then back through one like you would with children’s belts. At least, that’s the one application that easily comes to mind. It’s secure but quick to take off by moving the outer ring.

It’s also somewhat adjustable. At its tightest, the gag has a circumference of around 15″, including the ball itself. The straps offer about 5″ more of leeway if you require it. A quick measure of my own head indicates that this will fit my head with a couple extra inches but those with larger heads may need to modify the design for their needs.

Because I was not able to successfully wear it, I can’t say if it’s comfortable. The nylon isn’t the softest and it may irritate those with sensitive skin. The ball gag won’t completely block airflow but can cause a drooly mess; however, that may not be a negative for you. It does block access to the mouth, of course.

The rubber ball does offer just a bit of give when you apply pressure to it. You may be able to damage it if you’re biting down especially hard but I wasn’t able to leave any marks by gently biting or using my nails. I do wish that you were able to remove the ball from the strap to clean it better, however. You also can’t sterilize it because it is a porous material and I’d worry about bacteria building up after a while on the strap/instead the hole. I would probably replace this gag every so often for those reasons. If you want a permanent tool, I’d consider the Tantus fantasy gag, instead.

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Categories: BDSM, Reviews
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My Favorite Sex Toys, BDSM Gear, Lube, Lingerie, and Erotica

December 15th, 2011

I recently did a count and have realized I’ve written over 450 reviews. 467 to be exact (plus a handful on other sites). Most of those items are vibrators but I’ve become a dildo convert, have test driven probably a dozen lubes, burned a handful of candles, played with some BDSM gear and and put on an ever-growing collection of lingerie. In short? I’m closer to saying “I’ve done it all” than 99% of the population.

But we all know it’s not about numbers and I definitely have come to appreciate quality over quantity. People rarely ask what my favorite toys are. Okay, no one has really ever asked. I don’t know why. You’d think it would be one of the questions I hear all the time but I don’t. Maybe you’re not asking it but you’re thinking it which is exactly why I’m going to tell you anyway.

Clitoral Vibrator

Layaspot, Desire clitoral vibe and Siri 2
Laya Spot and Siri 2 are among my favorite vibrators

Internal Vibrator

Dildo

Lingerie

Massage

Lube

Becoming Cliterate
Phantom now knows more about female pleasure than most humans

BDSM Implement

Erotica

Non-Fiction Book

Miscellaneous

Of course, the list of my favorite things is bound to change, especially as new things take the place of what I used to love.

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I’m Not a Magic 8 Ball

December 5th, 2011

Earlier today I had a helpful conversation with a good friend. We both talked about our current boy/girl woes and he helped me feel like I’m not crazy. It’s not that I feel like I am crazy but I sometimes suffer from self-doubt. Not the helpful type (“Hey, maybe this isn’t the best idea”) but the unhelpful type (“OMG what if this isn’t the best idea?!?!?”). I’ve been wondering if I’m setting myself up to be hurt, if I need to draw the line with the Hot Nerd, cut out all the cuddles and silliness and seriously cut back our amount of communication. Some of my friends think I should have a long time ago and even those who don’t are sick of me talking about him because nothing has changed, I know.

But my friend suggested that maybe I’m doing things right. He agreed that it seems like there’s something there with the Hot Nerd and, after I explained everything that had happened with him, he suggested that maybe my friend had more issues with opening up and connecting than I had realized. I assumed that the Hot Nerd would be able to do so because he readily admitted he was a sensitive guy — it was one of the first things he said to me — but maybe I was expecting too much and too much too soon. We both agreed that I could be a safe place for the Hot Nerd and that I could potentially help him to learn to connect, even if he wound up connecting with someone else. Either way, I’d learn something about myself.

I hadn’t really given thought to the fact that the Hot Nerd might be insecure of have trouble connecting and I’ve probably glanced over his lack of experience more than I should have. Perhaps our issues are due far more to his insecurities and his own issues than I realized. He’s nothing like my ex-husband in the way that he handles things (he’s definitely more accepting of himself) but I do see to be attracted to the sensitive, silly type. My friend thinks that, given what I’ve told him, it seems like there’s something there.

His advice to me is to wait and see how things progress. If I’m a safe place, things could work out. I may get hurt but it might not even be because of the Hot Nerd. I should keep my other options open but, as I’ve explained, nothing more appealing than the Hot Nerd has presented itself. For now, I’m content to be in the confusing and somewhat frustrating situation with the Hot Nerd. After talking with my friend, I feel like it’s something I can do. I can be patient and I can guard myself just enough that I won’t necessarily be torn asunder should things turn out less than ideal. He complimented the fact that I’d even go that far for the Hot Nerd.

It was a validating and eye-opening conversation all around. I’m glad we had it.

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18″ Classic Leather Whip

December 2nd, 2011

18" Classic Leather Whip

18" Classic Leather Whip
$22.95 from FunWares

My impact play collection is small but growing. I have a rabbit fur flogger that feels design but isn’t effective at transmitting pain or staying together. I have the paintbrush flogger that is mostly a novelty. I do enjoy Babeland’s riding crop and now I have a very traditional leather flogger. Perhaps I can clear up some misconceptions that maybe no one has.

Actually, it seems that this flogger was made by the same folks who made my rabbit fur flogger — Touch of Fur. This one is much higher quality, though. The 18″ whip is about 2/3 tails and 1/3 handle. I can fit just about two fists on the handle but it’ll be a comfortable fit for those with larger hands, too. The handle is uniformly wrapped in leather and there’s a plastic cap over the end, through which a small D ring is attached. It’s really small, though and I think it could stand to be a bit larger because this will only fit on long, slender hooks. Either end of the handle is secured with hardware, the name of which is completely escaping my mind. But don’t expect this piece to come apart too easily. Plus, the silver on black looks smart.

Even though it’s labeled as a whip, it’s a multi-tailed tool. There’s 12 to be exactly. and they overlap in two and a half rows around the rounded handle. The leather tails are cut with perfectly straight ends and the outside is finished to a shine while the inside of the tails is soft and unfinished. They both feel nice, actually. The leather does not smell as amazing as I like my leather to smell but it won’t kill me.

This flogger is actually the most.. severe that I own. It’s not that you can’t flog someone lightly but it creates delicious welts, small ones albeit, with surprisingly little effort. In fact, its bark (welts) may even be a little bit more intense than its bite (pain) and this could be good for a novice. I like finally having an impact toy that will leave some marks and can easily be felt.

This one is pretty balanced, to my inexperience hand, and aims fairly well. The tails mostly stay together when swinging and it’s not long enough that you’ll have to worry about too much wrap around, which can mean pain in a negative way. I don’t like things that require too much arm strength or practice so this flogger is right at my level.

I don’t even remember if it came with a plastic bag. If it did, I threw it out right away. I also don’t remember any instructions but I’d wipe this with a damp cloth, pat dry and let it hang to air dry completely. The hook, which is too small in my opinion, will work for some storage solutions. Vertical storage really is where it’s at, folks.

My experience with the 18″ Classic Leather Whip has been far more enjoyable than with their rabbit fur flogger but I’d love if it FunWares and similar sites gave more information about the manufacturer. d=

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VixSkin Tex

November 30th, 2011

Tex

Tex
$72.99 from SheVibe

If the house were on fire and I had just enough time to grab one sex toy (assuming the cats, laptop and Mountain Dew were safe), I’d grab the Vixen Tex. I’d be sad to leave some behind, like the Yooo or Tango but I’d replace those. I probably wouldn’t replace any of my Lelo toys. I’d opt for cheaper G-spot vibes in general.

The reason is simple: VixSkin is awesome. It’s soft without being floppy. It’s surface isn’t perfect so it’s more skinlike. It’s squishy and it just feels good. There are few materials that I can comfortable thrust with. My vaignal walls and cervix don’t like rigid or aggressive movements so unless I used a harder toy slowly, it kills me. So I can thrust with Tex and it feels good. It also feels fantastic when I’m orgasming. Generally, I hold it in place while that occurs, and the way my muscles contract around it feels more like sex than any toy I have. During thrusting, it’s just a tad too soft to feel real but, my God, it replicates the feeling of cumming around a cock amazingly.

So that’s my case for VixSkin but I really like the size and shape of Tex, specifically. I bought this one (gasp!) after I accidentally ruined my Spur. Spur was a smaller thing. Tex is larger but it’s not super long, which is something I also like (re: cervix). Tex measures in at 5″ long with a diameter of 1.5″ at the widest part of the shaft. Tex has a rounded, realistic head with a split down the center. Below the corona is another slight ridge that I can’t necessarily feel in use but looks realistic.

The shaft increases slightly in diameter toward the base, which is flat, round and perfect for use in a harness. Tex would also be okay for anal use, I think but you might find it a bit short with a strap-on. This isn’t a problem for me and I find the base super easy to hold on to or to hold in place between my thighs.

Tex does have a slight curve to it which is a-okay for hitting my G-spot. I don’t tend to use this one for squirting as much as I do vibrators but it’s great for that. Tex is filling enough that it’ll sit against my G-spot with no finagling at all and the curve ensures it’ll hit the spot even when you’re thrusting and not holding it in place.

The squishiness of Tex does make it feel slightly smaller and less abrasive than harder toys but this special formula from Vixskin is a little more demanding than regular silicone. You should reaaaally stay away from silicone based lubes. I used just a tiny packet when I ruined my Spur. The softer formula is more reactive. Silicone is a lint attractant so I actually store my Tex in the cylindrical container it came in. It’s a little bulky but always easy to use and, if you have multiple Vixen toys, you can see through it to pick one out. Tex is still non-porous and you can clean it with soap and water.

Tex is available for around $70 from some retailers and it’s worth every fucking cent. Especially if you think the size will work well for you. Vixen makes this dildo in several skin-tone shades, including vanilla, chocolate and caramel. Hell, why not get one in every color?

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Image © MisterUnlucky; used with permission.