My Mini-Miracle Massager Pleasure Kit

October 12th, 2011

My Mini-Miracle Massager Pleasure Kit

My Mini-Miracle Massager Pleasure Kit
from

This is an archived review of a discontinued toy.

Sometimes, toys make it to the shelf with such a design flaw that I really have to wonder, “What were they thinking?” Such is the case with the My Mini-Miracle Massager Pleasure Kit. I was perplexed as soon as I opened the box but, you see, the description is kind of misleading. According to the website, “This complete kit contains 2 soft pliable attachments with the world famous Mini Miracle Massager.” So you would expect to receive a Mini Miracle Massager with some attachments and that, that I can live with. I would expect not to love every attachment but have a functional massager, nevertheless.

Wrong.

The problem is that it’s not a Mini Miracle Massager with some attachments (although, that already exists). It’s a model based on the Mini Miracle Massager, but there’s a permanent fixture on the head onto which you place attachments. The attachments are not part of a cup that goes over the head; rather, they both have a little hole that slides onto an awkwardly placed knob on the side of the wand. Perhaps it wouldn’t seem so awkward if you only used the pleasure kit for vaginal/internal stimulation because then you can aim the extension up and hold the handle perpendicular to your body. Unfortunately, I think of this type of toy as clitoral by default –and the tongue-shaped attachment certainly supports my conclusion — so I don’t want to do that.

Mini Miracle Massager Probe AttachmentI tried anyway. I put the little nubby attachment on first after giving it a good scrubbing. From the side, it looks like a character with a cartoonishly large nose. While the TPE attachments may be Phthalate-free, they freaking stink. I mean, pew! As suspected, the placement was awkward, and the shape was less than ideal for clitoral stimulation. I didn’t get off.

I had even less success with the tongue shape. I couldn’t figure out what I was supposed to do with it. The most comfortable way to hold it implies internal stimulation, but I don’t like tongue-shapes inside of me. To align the tongue with my clit, I’d either have to point the end of the handle between my knees or down toward my abdomen, so that was a no-go either.

My Mini Miracle MassagerI’d like to say the massager itself was redeemed, but it’s not because you can’t use it by itself. There’s a sticky-offy knobby thing that not only gets in the way but feels pretty unhygienic, too. The knob itself is unfinished, so water can get into it. The same is true for the extensions. You have a little less room to get in there and dry things off when you clean it, which I don’t like.

California Exotics has kept the same springy head and easy to use controls as the regular Miracle Massager, which I still love. There’s two speeds and an off. Unfortunately, this toy is pretty loud and not discreet at all. The vibrations are quite strong but not as deep as the Miracle Massager.

I’m not a fan of the detachable cord because it’s easy to mix it up with something else. If I can remove a cord, the toy should be rechargeable, which this isn’t. I don’t understand the point. This one is pretty long — upwards of three feet — but the adapter itself is overly large, clunky and annoying.

Annoying just about sums up the My Mini-Miracle Massager Pleasure Kit. Just buy your Mini Miracle Massager and attachments separately.

CEN Sexpert

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Simply Blown G-Glass Dildo

October 10th, 2011

G-Glass Dildo

G-Glass Dildo
$160 from Simply Blown

I drooled over Simply Blown’s products when I first saw them. I delighted whenBabeland started carrying them and pretty much squeeled when they sent me one for review. I could have cried when I saw they were no longer carrying them and while Babeland didn’t require me to write a review, I wanted to because these are awesome products.

The thing that draws the eye is that Simply Blown somehow fills their glass pieces with a bright color, like red or blue, and there’s a layer of clear glass around this. It’s breathtaking and, let me tell you, even more amazing in person.

I received a red G-Glass dildo and if the piece itself is a work of art, the box is understated. It’s a simple grey box with a formed foam insert that highlights the sex toy inside and nothing else. Not surprisingly, my piece was heavy. Heavier than any rabbit or the Pure Wand. Heavy enough that I will never use it for extended periods of time lest my arms fall off.

But I won’t have to because the weight and the gentle curve of a Simply Blown glass dildo are perfect for hitting the G-spot, for applying pressure in just the right way and getting the job done in no time. In fact, I was squirting before I even had time to try both sides. I’m pretty sure the wider end is intended more for insertion, but the smaller end is usable, too, especially if you’re not quite ready for the 1.59” diameter. This toy is already heading toward larger status, but the rigid glass definitely makes it feel huge. The girth stays about the same for most of the length. The smaller end is actually just about as wide, with no tapering, but it does slim down to about 1.27” about 1” into the toy.

The dildo I have measures around 7.5” from tip to tip. Unfortunately, Simply Blown doesn’t provide any storage options, and I find boxes to be bulky, so I’ll probably adjust my toys so I can steal a padded bag from something else.

Like all things glass, take care when washing and storing. Dropping could break the toy, your floor, or a toe. Ouch! Go easy with lube because it’s already so slick, and if you’d like, apply warm or cool water for temperature play, but go slowly so avoid burning yourself or stressing the glass.

You can find the G-glass dildo and other striking toys on the Simply Blown website.

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Zebra Print Satin Babydoll

October 7th, 2011

Zebra Print Satin Babydoll

Zebra Print Satin Babydoll

This is an archived review of a discontinued product.

The Zebra Print Satin Babydoll is super pretty and I really wished it worked for me but this is a case of both-sizes-probably-only-fit-if-your-breasts-have-been-surgically-enhanced.

This is sad because the piece of really cute. The mesh is fine and soft if not quite as silky as some other mesh I’ve owned. It’s stretchy and seems pretty strong. The zebra striped satin accents are bold and cute. The bottom hem features a straight 1″ or so border of this satin and will all toward the upper part of your thigh. In the model’s images, it’s significantly wider so that may be a difference between the sizes. The cups are also cute and there’s an unobtrusive black satin bow between them. It’s a simple design that will

But when you take a closer look at the publicity images, you can see that the cups are just designed hugely and, because they’re a non-stretchy material, it’s hard to arrange them artfully. There is actually elastic on the sides of the triangle material which means, if you happen to have midgets taped to your chest, they’ll fit. But I’d gander that, with the queen size, anyone smaller than a D is going to feel pretty overwhelmed with the amount of material. I mean, if I just compared my bra (C-cup), the babydoll has twice as much material per cup.

Even if you are larger in the chest and thinner at the waist, the cups don’t offer any support really. The empire waist isn’t reinforced so if you don’t love the natural shape or sag of your breasts, you might be disappointed, too.

So that made me sad but also confused because it’s obvious that the model has huge fucking boobs and that the cups are just out of proportion to the rest of the piece because I really don’t see how — even with the stretchy mesh — the queen would fit more than an XL and many women with breasts naturally that large have some extra weight. The standard size isn’t even that loose on the model and she’s pretty thin.

Unfortunately, there’s a couple quality issues with the Zebra Print Satin Babydoll, too. First, the strap adjusters are really super hard to move. I feel like I need to chew on them or that my nails are going to break. It’s a total pain. Secondly, the stitching is coming out of the bow after one wash. So the bow has lost it shapes and, because it must have been slightly attached to the bottom of one cup, the satin has started fraying. There’s also some fuzzies coming off of the satin trim at the bottom. Overall, the satin seems kind of cheap.

The queen size comes with a giant thong. Again with the enlarged proportions? It’s elastic and mesh and your typical thong-included thong. Replace it with a comfortable, fitting black or white panty and you’re good to go.

So while this isn’t my favorite piece, it’s not that expensive either. If you’re blessed with the breasts and like the design, you might give it a try. If you’re not so well endowed, look for something a little more forgiving.

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Deep V-Neck Polka Dot Baby Doll

October 1st, 2011

Deep V neck polka-dot baby doll

Deep V neck polka-dot baby doll

This is an archived review of a discontinued product.

The most recent addition to my lingerie collection is the Deep V-Neck Polka Dot Baby Doll by Elegant Moments, a manufacturer whose designs have really attracted my attention. They strike me as super cute and feminine, as opposed to just barely there. It’s a baby pink, with poolk dots, babydoll that flows and has a medium pink ribbon that ties in a bow and falls delicately down the front. The epitome of femininity.

I do suspect that the images have been photoshopped. You do get an idea how sheer it is because you can see the model’s nipples through it but the pink is so light that the polka dots don’t contrast as much as the publicity photos. This isn’t bad.. it just is.

The piece is made of a super-stretchy and light polyester. It feels cool against the skin. The hem along the bottom edge and sleeves is done so it’s a little ripply, not straight. The ribbon is satin and all the edges are finished and the bow is sewn in permanently. It’s only attached from one side in the front to the other; it doesn’t extend across the back. However, the way it’s sewn makes the empire waist the tightest part of the babydoll.

All the stitching seemed secure until I tried this one, for the second time, and I realized the ribbon was doing that fraying thing away from where it was sewn on both sides. Because it’s sewn along the top and bottom edges, too, it will stay on but it’ll bug me forever

Fraying ribbonFortunately, or unfortunately, for me, I’ve been losing weight. The result is the XL that I ordered is actually too large for me me. The babydoll is designed so that the V-neck will sit at the widest parts of the shoulders, revealing most cleavage, than closer to the neck. The cut of the neck is quite low and dips well below where the bottom of my bra would sit, especially because my shoulders are not broad enough. It seems to me that the XL is intended for someone with at least DDs but then it’s so stretchy that it really offers no support.

This babydoll is designed with long, ruffly cap sleeves and I guess I could do without quite so much material. It doesn’t look bad on the model but, on me, I felt as though the sleeves were ginormous. It could just be because I need a smaller size but then I worry that the waist would be too tight on me because that was the snuggest part of the outfit… but the model for the plus-sized version doesn’t look all the appealing in it either, to be honest. It definitely seems like there’s far too much fabric for even her well-endowed top side.

Included thongOn the other hand, I do like the thong even though it’s got an interesting aspect. The front consists of the same fabric as the babydoll with a darker pink trim. There’s contrasting stitching that’s pretty adorable. The strange thing is that the back of the thong actually loops around the waistband and is movable from side to side, along the waistband. Also, the tag is sewn to the back piece which is just plain odd. Usually, with thongs, it’s sewn to the front panel. You’ll definitely have to cut it off. Still, it’s cute.

Ultimately, the sizing issue still would have resulted in an okay review from me because I do like the feminine design, the ribbon and the cool, silky feel of the material. But it’s obvious that the quality is lacking and the manufacturer just didn’t know how to make this fit a variety of body shapes and sizes. Even if I loved it, there’s no way I’d pay MSRP for it and this makes me hesitate buying from this manufacturer again.

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Lelo Massage Candle

September 29th, 2011

Lelo Massage Candle

Lelo Massage Candle
$43.29 from Store.OfSexAndLove.com

When it comes to the design of Lelo’s massage candles, they’re really quite solid. Each candle sits in a black ceramic (I think) glass that is just a tiny bit translucent. The candle has a metal lid with a looped handle on top. The handle is made of an amber-colored plastic that, in my opinion, is the low point of the design. It’s probably just because it’s not my favorite color.

When you first open the candle, there is a piece of foam with an attached ribbon. I’m not entirely sure what functions this serves. Perhaps it helps to seal the easily melted wax in place? Or keeps the scent for longer? It’s a bit like the cotton wad at the top of a pill bottle.

The wax itself is soft and white. It’s not difficult to rub some off with a finger but it is noticeably more firm than any other massage candle I’ve tried. This means that you will have to burn the candle either hotter or longer than others and it’s peculiar, to say the least. However, perhaps Lelo wanted to stress the longer burn time over the massage properties. There’s certainly a balance to be achieved, and I think this product just missed the mark.

The scent I requested to review was vanilla & creme de cacao. I’m not exactly sure what that should smell like. Red velvet cake, maybe? I’m also not entirely sure how to describe what it does smell like. The unlit candle isn’t pleasant in the least. After lighting, it smells better and I can detect the vanilla.. but it almost smells like spoiled cake batter. It’s almost like something snuck in there with the good smell.

Even if I loved the smell, I’d still have to complain because it’s virtually impossible to detect unless I hold the candle right under my nose. It doesn’t waft through the air. It’s nearly impossible to detect.

Perhaps Lelo has still created a product that works well even if it doesn’t smell amazing, you ask? No, they didn’t. I don’t know what to say about this one, but I lit the candle to melt before I started writing this review, and even after letting it burn for several minutes, there’s barely enough wax melted to give a hand massage, let alone a full-body one. I can also feel that the wax is much hotter than other candles, and I suspect it burns so hot that the wax is literally melting away rather than melting into oil. Plus, the candle doesn’t burn evenly. There’s still plenty of wax on the sides.

The cylindrical container, while cute, isn’t actually ideal for pouring what oil there is because there’s no lip or spout to direct the oil. That’s why I have drip lines of wax down the side. You have to hold your hand directly next to the jar (and flame) and risk burning to avoid spilling. You’d think a premium company would have considered this detail. It’s not my ideal choice, but my furniture is more expensive than my skin, so there’s my choice.

Unfortunately, the list of moisturizing ingredients doesn’t include aloe–even though it does include vitamin E, soy wax, shea butter and apricot kernel oil–so I can’t use this handle to heal the wounds it causes. Just kidding. It’s not that hot.

If you’re patient enough to wait and then use this too-hot product, you’ll probably still be disappointed. It’s probably the greasiest-feeling massage product I’ve ever used. It rubs into the skin quickly and has a thick feeling that actually seems to cause drag. Lelo’s massage candles really make me want to wash my skin as quickly as possible.

I can’t wait to burn this up so I can put something useful, like pennies, in the container. Other than that, there is not a single redeeming quality about the Lelo massage candles.

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BSoft Burgundy

September 23rd, 2011

bsoft in Burgundy and Pink

bsoft in Burgundy and Pink
N/A from

This is an archived review of a discontinued product.

To say that I like the new Bsoft rather than the original would be a drastic understatement, I think. Yet, I’m not entirely sure why I like it so much better.

Perhaps it is because the exterior is now coated in a super silky silicone that feels a little less.. clinical than the hard, smooth plastic of the first go-round. It’s definitely friendlier, somehow. It also seems to decrease the feeling that this is a hollow piece of crap. The super light and hollow feeling of the original was a let-down. Now, a sex toy doesn’t need to be heavy to work well but it just cheapened the feel.

While the shapes are definitely related, there are some definite improvements. The ridge on the bottom of the new Bsoft is more pronounced and runs the entire length of the bottom of the toy, rather than flattening out toward the end. In use, I find this makes it much easier to apply pressure the way I like; however, the tapered bottom still fits well between labia.

The old model had three buttons and this uses the bubbly buttons like on the BCurious. I like the buttons. They’re easy to find, are surrounded by an LED light and made an audible clicking noise when pushed. Great feedback there. Of course, one button servers as a master on/off while the other pages through settings so it’s not as intuitive as it could be but, hey, at least you can turn it off quickly.

The vibration settings on this one include three steady modes and four varieties of pulsation. One’s really quick, and the other is one of those buzz-buzz-buzzzz types but they’re kind of forgettable, in my opinion. I believe I wound up using the highest constant vibration setting and, let it be known, that this setting isn’t that high. For example, I’m still more impressed by the vibration of BSwish’s original bullet and, like many toys, the new Bsoft has moderately shallow vibrations that only get more shallow as you turn it up. Still, they don’t feel as shallow and empty as the original.

I think it has to do with the way the silicone transmits them and all that the new Bsoft uses its real estate better. What I mean by that is it’s not as big and hulking as the original (Kayla has some comparison pics here). Although they both seem to be the same length (I no longer have my original to verify), the second edition is just so much more compact. There’s not as much surface space to disperse and dilute the vibrations. Even though they’re clearly focused at the tip, away from the button, you can still feel them on the other end. It’s also much easier to wield. The bottom line, for me, is that the new Bsoft can get me off. Sure, not without some work, but its leaps and bounds better than the original.

For the strength of this toy, I do find the noise level to be a little high. Not wake-the-dead high but hmm-that’s-a-little-loud high.

I also like the design better. You can get it in a burgundy, like mine, or a dark blue with burgundy details. One improvement over the design is the location of the USB port. It used to be on the end of the toy with an oddly angled cover that rarely stayed in place. It’s been moved to the side of the vibrator with a flat port cover that lies flush with the toy. It sits in place much better and makes cleaning so much more easy!

While this sophomore attempt is a definite improvement, and I like it far more than the BCurious as well, it’s not the toy I’m going to reach for by default. Still, it’s also not one of those toys that I’ll never reach for again. How’s that for middle ground?

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Turtle

September 8th, 2011

Turtle

Turtle
N/A from

This is an archived review of a discontinued product.

Papaya Toys garnered a lot of attention when they first emerged. Folks loved the whimsical designs, body-safe silicone and bright colors. I was not immune to this and lusted over the toys for some time. After the initial wave of toys went out to reviewers, the presses halted as the folks went back to work to tweak their toys a bit. I was impressed with a company who was actually listening to people like myself and was finally able to try out a Papaya Toy, the Turtle, recently. I want to say thank you to Pam and everyone at Papaya Toys for being so awesome for providing the product.

My first impression of Turtle, in its white and pink box, was positive. The packaging was pretty and the bright green turtle sat atop a black satin back. My package included a business card and the box itself had an introduction to the company and a separate manual for the toys (which all use the same controls). I didn’t take the time to read the instructions and I wish I had.

You see, the Turtle and its siblings have a unique bow-tie control that contains “two” buttons. The quotations are due to the fact that there’s obviously a third button in center.. or one of my buttons is off or extends too far to the middle. Regardless, this extra button clicks all on its own and seems to share some functions with the “+” button but doesn’t act as a master power button. So I spent a whole bunch of time trying to figure out why the hell they’d use three buttons.

I was doubly confused because the buttons function differently than most vibrators. I kept trying to push the buttons to increase vibration strength when pushing them changes modes (pushing the “-” button once actually turns the Turtle off) and holding them increase or decreases strength. This is a method that I don’t mind but usually throws me for a loop in the beginning.

So here I am, completely befuddled. It just doesn’t make sense. Two buttons would make perfect sense: the buttons would each be placed on the widest ends of the bow tie. Five buttons would be confusing but not as much as three: each vertex would house a button. But three? There’s a button on either end and one in the center, but the buttons are along one of the long edges of the bowtie, so it just feels.. confusing. Should there be more buttons along the other edge? Is this actually a button? Why does the power button not turn this thing off?

Then I read the instructions and realized there’s only supposed to be two buttons and either I’m missing the center just right to make the “+” button work (even though it clicks separately) or.. I don’t know. Defect? Poor placement on my model? I can’t even begin to answer the question, but once I figured out how it worked and tried to keep my finger from the center, it made a little more sense.

Unfortunately, this is when the Turtle completely failed to whelm me proportionately (you know, instead of underwhelming me). There is one mode of steady vibration and two pulsation modes. The pulsing is interesting, but the continuous vibes are pretty lackluster. I’ve used a lot of toys that rely on 2AAs, and they’re much deeper and stronger than this toy. This is one of those vibrators where you can easily mistake the highest setting for the low (like the Getaway Luxe). Even though I can hear the difference when changing the toy, there isn’t much difference to be felt. In my hand, it tickles more on high because the vibrations are more shallow but in use? Can’t tell.

It’s frustrating because the toy is thick enough that it seems like you could get another battery in there and that would really make a difference. However, this might mess with the reversible battery pack. I like that it doesn’t matter which direction or orientation I place it in, but I’d gladly sacrifice that for stronger vibes. Plus, the battery cap–which is just the end of the toy–is damned fickle. You really have to push it down onto the toy before you can screw it on. It’s a two-hand job.

I find the size of the battery pack/controls to be awkward in itself. It reminds me of some of the rabbits I’ve had and it’s pretty hard to control with my short arms. It has a total length of 9.3″ and three or so inches is dedicated to the battery cap. At its widest (where the battery cap meets the shaft), the diameter is 1.65″. We’re talking some bulk and the silicone makes it feel quite heavy.

The silicone also has a wonderful velvet texture, and I absolutely adore the turtle design. The lines remind me of a lower shell, and there’s a small nub on the head of the Turtle that should be ideal for G-spot stimulation. Not my G-spot, apparently. Because it’s so shallow, this vibrator completely misses it when resting comfortably inside. The narrowest part (around 1″ diameter) of the shaft sits parallel to my G-spot but, because it’s narrow, doesn’t touch it. I have to awkwardly angle it forward in order to get G-spot stimulation. Although the shaft has some give, the awkwardness makes it hard for me to bend it.

I also can’t feel the Turtle design internally. Sadness. However, I did enjoy the rounded head for clitoral stimulation, and I did squirt a ton after all that wrangling. Odd.

So, the Turtle is one of those toys that looks great. I love the idea of it but it’s just awkward in practice because of its size and bulk, finicky battery cap and whatever is going on with the buttons. If it hadn’t been so awkward, I would have loved to recommend it to anyone whose G-spot is more traditionally located. I’d love to see a new line of Papaya Toys that are slimmer and sleeker, with more power and.. buttons that do what they should.

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Categories: Reviews, Vibrators

Image © MisterUnlucky; used with permission.