Booty Parlor Seduction Kit

July 31st, 2011

Booty Parlor Seduction Kit

Booty Parlor Seduction Kit

This is an archived review of a discontinued toy.

Booty Parlor makes a whole line of sensual items that come in fairly cute packaging. It’s all very feminine and reminiscent of Pure Romance, if you ask me. You didn’t ask me but I’ll tell you anyway.

This kit consists of lip gloss, lube, massage oil and a scented candle. Each has a clever little moniker like the “light my fire” candle. If I had read closer, I might not have opted for it because I’m not a fan of mint and the lip gloss is mint. It’s the super sweet type of mint (and the gloss tastes sugary in itself) so I actually don’t mind it. Unfortunately, if you are a fan, you’ll be disappointed because the scent and taste don’t last more than a few minutes. Then, you’re left with a waxy residue that would be a whole lot sexier, in my opinion, if it were still scented.

On the other hand, I kind of wish the scent of the massage oil would fade because it honestly reminds me of something burning or.. burned. Like they overcooked something in the process. It also smells a little dusty. It’s not super strong but it’s just too weird and unpleasant for me to enjoy the massage oil. I.. don’t know how this got past quality control, honestly.

The “add magic” lube doesn’t have a smell. It’s my favorite part of the set. It’s a thinner gel that runs a bit but nothing too bad. It’s slick enough and I didn’t have to reapply. The bottle is pretty small but comes with a pump and a cap so it’s easy to use and mess-free. It’d probably be great in your purse or suitcase.

Praise is over now. The candle is generically floral scented in an overpowering way. Also, it’s not a massage candle. It simply exists for atmosphere. Not that I entirely mind that, but since I don’t enjoy the scent, it doesn’t do much for me. Sadly, this also means I haven’t burned it to its end to see how long it lasts.

This set comes in a box with a clear plastic color. Pinks, red, and white are the main colors, and it all feels a little Victoria’s Secret. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised to see it in a store.. but I wouldn’t buy it and now I’m not sure that I want to try any other Booty Parlor products, either. =/

Thanks to SheVibe for letting me try it, though.

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L’Amour Premium Weighted Pleasure System

July 23rd, 2011

L'Amour Weighted Pleasure System

L'Amour Weighted Pleasure System
$9.99 from Amazon

Using vag balls is not quite like riding a bike. Yes, you can lose that skill. I guess the fact the getting back on the horse, or bike as it were, does share one similarity with vag balls: doing it wrong hurts.

Now, I can’t even remember the last time I’d used vaginal balls. It may have been two years. I did credit them with helping me locate my G-spot but I didn’t particularly enjoy using them. However, it’s been long enough that I was willing to jump back into the game when I received my most recent Sexpert assignment. L’Amour Premium Weighted Pleasure System is an awful lot like the vag balls in the Couture Collection, and we all know that I think the two are pretty redundant. The balls themselves are hard plastic, with an elastic silicone connector and a long (3″ or 4″) silicone retrieval cord. They’re available in pink, purple, or blue, and while the blue is actually pretty cute, I received pink. The plastic is quite shiny and smooth, although there are raised “stripes” around the length of the oval-esque balls. The raised portion doesn’t feel sharp like a seam, however.

The balls measure about 1.5″ from end to end, length-wise. They seem comparable to other balls I’ve used and, even then, I remember them being large and a bit unwieldy. So I loaded up the Premium Weighted Pleasure System with some water-based lube (Frolic, if you’re interested), dropped the drawers and popped a squat.. and found myself completely unable to insert these things. I probably used a bit too much lube but the smooth plastic was definitely not working for me. That’s where Smartballs or K-Balls tend to win out: they’re better for grasping.

So I leaned one foot up on the bed and was able to insert one ball but not without stabbing my labia with finger nails and pulling on my hair. Man, how the hell did I manage it so many times before? When I was finally able to get the second ball in, it kept slipping out completely or just nudging at the opening to my vagina uncomfortably. I’d get it in, think it was staying, and it’d move right back down. I finally jammed both balls up there and they seemed to stay.. It’s kind of like the opposite of giving birth, you know.

The Premium Weighted Pleasure System is pretty damned effective at stimulating my G-spot if only because of their sheer size. They touch everything in my vag so if they managed to miss my G-spot, it’d be almost miraculous. I noticed almost immediately that I could feel the inner weights moving around. I mean, there’s no mistaking this. You don’t need to do jumping jacks or go for the job. Those suckers just move! I feel them when I walk, I feel them when I do chores, I feel them when I shake my hips back and forth just ’cause I can. I don’t remember any of the kegel balls I’ve tried before making such an impression. And after the initial movement, I feel the inner balls bouncing around a bit as they settle back into position. These are the vag balls I’d want to use during spanking.

I still don’t entirely love the concept, however. Because I’m not G-spot orgasmic, the constant pressure becomes a bit annoying. Sure, it makes it easier to squirt, but it doesn’t exactly feel good. The balls, once in place, aren’t necessarily uncomfortable, but if I move my muscles, they can be.

Because of the lack of texture, these balls slide ride out easily. They wash up with soap and water, but those decorative ridges create seams in the balls, and I’m curious why California Exotics wouldn’t just choose to use a silicone coating. In addition to that, if you really pull on the separator, you can pull it out of the balls further than it should be, and see the beginning of a loop. Granted, I was being pretty aggressive, but the construction left a little to be desired.

So, if you’re more into the idea of vag balls than I am, I’d probably recommend the L’Amour Premium Weighted Pleasure System.

CEN Sexpert

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Bijoux Indiscrets cosmetics for better sex

Defense Protection lubricant

July 22nd, 2011

Defense Protection lubricant

Defense Protection lubricant
$14.92 from Intimate Earth

PSA: Intimate Organics is now known as Intimate Earth and sells this product as their Defense Protection Glide.

Thus far, I’ve had about a 50-percent chance if liking any Intimate Organics product that I’ve tried. Their Hydra Lube? Eh. The shower gel? Yea! G-spot Gel? You betcha! Their defense protection lube? I think I’ll pass on this.

I was really intrigued by the product description. Intimate Organics uses only natural ingredients, including those that are FDA-certified organic, in their line-up. The important ingredients in this lube are carrageenan and guava bark extract. Carrageenan has been gaining popularity in lubes and apparently interferes with infectious viruses like HPV, while guava bark is known for treating and preventing yeast infections. If you’re thinking Defense Protection Lubricant sounds ideal for anyone prone to infections, you’re right. Luckily that’s not me and I’m not entirely sure that I’d want to be prone to infections just to write a better review. Sorry? You’ll notice that this water-based lube is free of glycerine and propylene glycol, ingredients that can cause irritation in some people.

Anyway, this lube comes in a green bottle with green-tinted packaging. It’s a far cry from the typical pink and purple color schemes and is simply interesting. The lube itself isn’t actually green but I wouldn’t be quite surprised if it were. It would certainly make me think “natural.” It’s sort of a thin gel. It won’t stay exactly where you put it but it doesn’t run all over the place, which I can certainly appreciate with toys.

However, I expected the same issues with Defense Protection lube as I did with Hydra. The lubricant has a tendency to quickly rub in, rather than staying on the surface long enough to reduce friction. This is pretty much the worst possible characteristic that a lube could have when I’m using clitoral toys because I use short and fast movements but, even when I tried to use it with the First Mate Dildo. I added more and more and it just never seemed like enough. It’s the wrong kind of wet for lube.

Not surprisingly, this lube leaves virtually no residue but, you’ll probably still want to wash your hands and other parts after using it because it stinks to high heaven. It has a cosmetic/natural scent that is funky and strong and smells clean but really unpleasant. It’s also very strong, so strong that I found it to be a turn off during play and strong enough that I’d be afraid to use it with a new partner lest they ask “What is that smell?” That’s no good.

While I really, really like the idea of defense protection lube and natural ingredients, I’d much rather have a chemical-laden lube that works. It looks like Intimate Organics lubes just aren’t meant for me.

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First Mate Silicone Dildo

July 9th, 2011

First Mate Silicone Dildo

First Mate Silicone Dildo
$99.99 from Good Vibes

Even though the First Mate silicone dildo is smaller than the captain, it’s still quite a large dildo. Were it made of a firmer material/composition than it is, I probably wouldn’t enjoy it very much. However, I was thrilled to note that the silicone is softer than I was expecting. While this isn’t VixSkin, it certainly feels more realistic than any of the Tantus dildos I’ve tried. It squishes a bit when I squeeze it in my hand and I can bend the shaft a few degrees either way. This is definitely aided by the length of the toy. I haven’t even gotten around to fully inserting it and won’t even try because my cervix isn’t a big fan of that.

The First Mate measures in at 7 3/4″ and all but 1/2″ is insertable. This dildo has a width that varies between 1 3/4″ and 1 1/2″. It falls firmly in the realm of medium/large toys and is larger than most toys I’ve tried so that gives you quite the idea about the captain dildo. I had to use quite a bit of lube and then some more and, finally, more lube. The design is realistic and features veining and a drastically contoured head. Even though the shaft is quite straight, the bulbous head should provide enough G-spot stimulation from most, if the bulk doesn’t do it by itself.

It may have been the type of lube I used, but I found the First Mate a little difficult to use, and I had to keep reapplying. It was just a bit too big to glide easily so I found it better to use stationary with the use of a clitoral vibe. However, the contoured head was pretty great for clitoral stimulation, too. It felt fairly realistic to me.

The silicone of this dildo is a softer, more velvety finish as opposed to shinier silicones. It’s available in multiple flesh tones ranging from pale to pure black–which I received [Editor’s note: The First Mate is now available in a dark brown and dark purple only]. The plastic blister pack is the only packaging/storage material that it comes with, and it’s too bulky to be functional. Like any silicone, it tends to collect lint. It washes with soap and water but the base of the toy is slick — not slick enough to function as a suction cup, though — and hair and lint is more difficult to rinse off from this part of the toy.

Although the First Mate dildo isn’t perfect for me, I enjoyed the softer texture of the sex toy and think my readers will as well.

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Babeland Massage Oil

July 8th, 2011

Babeland Body Massage Oil

This is an archived review of a discontinued product.

Once upon a time, I received a Babeland Massage Cube for review. It happened to be summer and so it arrived a melted mess. A melted mess that smelled amazing. However, the only place where the scent was labeled was on a sticker that I promptly threw away or fed to the cats or something, so I was in agony, not knowing what scent I liked so well. But Babeland, they’re on the ball. Despite going through several program managers, they knew their shit and offered to send me a bottle of their Babeland Body Massage Oil in the same scent: lavender vanilla. Seriously, pretty awesome.

So the bottle arrived and I was all excited to smell it but couldn’t get any to come out. Turns out, Babeland uses a clear plastic seal that’s pretty hard to see. I know because I checked and couldn’t even see it. It wasn’t until I touched with my finger that I realized it was there. This is not life or death. It’s actually kind of amusing for sort of frustrating for all of five seconds.

After those five seconds, my nose was busy sniffing the massage oil to see if it smelled as I remembered it. It didn’t, not exactly. As I recall, the massage bar was a lot sweeter because the vanilla was stronger. It’s the opposite with the massage oil: the vanilla takes a backseat. Interestingly enough, there is a noticeable citrus-like scent. I’m not a big fan of citrus scents. The overall impression is sometimes medicinal. It could just be my nose but I have a pure lavender massage oil from System Jo that also smells like a medicinal citrus.

I’ve noticed that Babeland’s lavender vanilla massage oil smells different in the bottle, in the air and on my skin. This is frequently the case with scented products, and I wish they were a bit more consistent. The result is that I like the massage oil a bit less than I like the bar itself. I dug out the bar from the drawer it’s been hiding in for months? years? and, sadly, it barely has a scent at all. I kept it in its box, which is hardly airtight, so I’m not entirely surprised.

The oil, which lists just three ingredients: sweet almond oil, vitamin E and fragrance, has a slightly off-white shade. It comes out of the bottle in a super controlled amount, thanks to the push-top cap. It’s a bit runny; Kama Sutra’s Oil of Love is thicker if I recall correctly. It feels great rubbing into my skin as a moisturizer, which is what I wind up doing with all my pretty smelling things. It leaves my skin with a pretty sheen and enables my hand to glide easily over different body parts. I feel like I’m using a lot, but my bottle barely seems to be used, so I’m probably just over-estimating on my part.

You may feel like washing your hands after using Babeland’s Body Massage Oil. They’ll feel a little greasy, and opening tight jars may be difficult, but it feels lighter than the System Jo Massage Oil. It’s not quite as slippery which I expect means I’ll wind up using more of the Babeland Massage Oil for long or intense massages but I like that it doesn’t feel as residue-y after usage. It’s a toss-up, really, depending on your needs and preferences.

Babeland’s massage oil comes in a giant 5.25 fluid-ounce bottle, compared to the tiny bottles I have from other companies and even other Babeland products. I figure it will just about last forever. I could probably give away all my other massage products and keep this one. I won’t, though.

You can pick up your own bottle for $14, making it the most wallet-friendly massage oil option that Babeland carried at the time–and perhaps ever. It’s too bad it’s now discontinued.

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Here’s the Plan

June 23rd, 2011

I’ve finally decided to stop trying not to fall for the adorable geek even if he’s not into me. Even if he never will be. It’s a risk that feels incredibly unlike me but also feels right at the same time. So, while not exactly rushing in blindly, this is a risk but a calculated risk, I have decided to let myself fall. I feel alive when falling in love. I feel alive, albeit miserable, when my heart is broken. I can’t help but think of him as the type of person who’s worth being broken hearted over. I never thought of my ex in those terms and, at the end of the day, he’ll never know and our amazing friendship will continue.

Oddly enough, as soon as I gave myself permission to fall for him, I started feeling a little less enamored. Is it the thrill of the chase? Or am I just not the type who can prolong emotions unrequited for extended periods of time? Perhaps I simply do not see him frequently enough and I forget how good he smells and how silly he is and how amazing his arms feel around me when I do see him?

You know what? Scratch that last paragraph. Damn.

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Crazy Girl Mist

June 21st, 2011

Crazy Girl Mist Plumeria

Crazy Girl Mist Plumeria
N/A from

This is an archived review of a discontinued product. 

For whatever reason, I’ve really been into the scented products lately. I suppose this is how I went from no sprays to six bottles in just a few months, eh? I wasn’t sure if I would love the Crazy Girl Mist with pheremones but I thought I’d give it a try. Crazy Girl is a line up of body sprays, lotions and shaving products from Classic Erotica. I opted for Plumeria because I generally like floral scents but perhaps I would have enjoyed Seduction–a mix of fruity and floral–better.

The initial spritz of this product smells very generic, a bit heavy and, well, old. I like my health and beauty products to smell young and fresh. There’s something in this heavy floral scent that just comes off as dated. Initially, there is a lot of perfume, as if to overwhelm the nose. I’m a fan of more sophisticated scents, generally. Although, after a few moments, it settles and becomes more pleasant (less unpleasant?), the product is still very forgettable. I wouldn’t remember this body spray from any other brand that makes plumeria scented products or even from most general floral products.

Of course, if I did love it, then I would want the scent to be long-lasting. Unfortunately, that’s not the case here. Even a generous four or five sprays isn’t going to last you more than a couple hours. I guess it’s a good thing that the body mist comes in a large eight ounce spray bottle. I’ve already used quite a bit and just for testing purposes. I was hoping it would grow on me but it really hasn’t.

The reason this product is sold by sex toy retailers is the supposed inclusion of pheremones. Now, I don’t really buy into the pheremone aspect too much; I think it’s mostly the power of suggestion and I’m not going to feel a whole lot sexier when I’m using a product that doesn’t necessarily smell good to me. I can’t say that anyone took particular interest in me because of Crazy Girl Mist–nor did anyone even compliment the fragrance. I have to say that the “sexy alert” on the back of the bottle is not only overstated but it’s ridiculously tacky, too.

I also must comment that the complete lack of ingredients to be interesting. I wonder if alcohol may be one of the components of this spray but the bottle doesn’t want me to know. The official website doesn’t list anything either so I guess I’m just SOL. The bottle does advertise that you can even use it upside down but.. who does that? Why is that even an advertising point? I guess I could say that it sprays well enough right-side-up and the cap is nice.

Oddly enough, Classic Erotica also made the ginger+pomegranate massage candle and the Silky Sheets spray that I didn’t like. I think, from here on out, I’ll be staying away from any of their scented products if I have not already had a chance to smell them. Really, that’s my advice to you. Unless you’re a die-hard fan of the passion flower/plumeria scent or you have the world’s least pickiest nose, I’d stay away, too.

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Image © MisterUnlucky; used with permission.