Fall 2020 Media Recommendations

October 30th, 2020

I’ve skipped right from spring to autumn, and I hope you all won’t mind! It’s been busy for reasons that I really should blog about! With that, I’ll leave you with some media recommendations that will keep you busy!

A content warning: the last several podcast recommendations mention sexual assault and abortion. I’ll mention the content warning again so you can skip to the next section!

Listen

I found the episode of American Sex with Catie Osborn about ADHD and sex to be interesting. It touched on some science and revealed how much more we have to discover. I only wish she had backed up some of her statements with sources.

Sunny and Ken also interviewed Ana Algos about being a BDSM switch,  teaching kink online, safety, and how COVID has made education more accessible to those people who weren’t privileged enough to participate in such things before.

There are several of Sluts, and Scholars episodes that were great listens for me! First up, Andre Shakti discusses wrestling fetishes, learning shame about sexual interests, and non-intimidating ways you can open up to a partner about sex. I also recommend you tune into the episode with Zoe Ligon, owner of Spectrum Boutique, who discusses her book about sex toys, sex education, and providing toys to shoppers during the pandemic.

I couldn’t write a post without mention Tristan Taormino’s podcast Sex Out Loud Radio, either. Tristan invited Dr. Nan Wise on her show to discuss her interest in neuroscience and sex, which is right up my alley and should be up yours, too!

Content warning: sexual assault and abortion mentioned below

I also LOVED Tristan’s talk with Jennifer S. Hirsch and Shamus Khan about their work on campus sexual assault. It’s the sort of research that I find fascinating, and they ask some tough but necessary questions.

I couldn’t believe how unethical and common pregnancy crisis centers are when I listened to Unladylike’s episode on the topic. The facts and firsthand knowledge shared will blow your mind in the worst possible way, but it’s absolutely worth a listen.

Finally, I want to recommend an entire podcast. Beyond Fear: The Sex Crimes Podcast by Alexa Sardina and Alissa Ackerman is full of the science I love and the compassion we need around the topic of sexual assault. I first heard Alissa on Unladylike in an episode about the American prison system but knew I needed to listen to her podcast with Alexa to understand more about sexual assault. Both women are researchers who have worked with perpetrators and survivors of sexual assault and are survivors themselves, and the knowledge they provide in this podcast is astounding. Every episode has been eye-opening; most have been difficult. I also appreciate what a good job they do with content warnings at the top of each episode. If you can handle it, it’s one of the most important podcasts I’ve ever listened to.

Watch

I came upon these two talks separately, so while they both deal with gender, it’s a coincidence.

In her Ted Talk, Karissa Sanbonmatsu discusses the search for a biological basis for gender and, more specifically, how epigenetics impacts gender. as she attempts to answer the question, “What does it mean to be a woman?” Epigenetics and the basis of gender are both fascinating on their own, but it’s genius to consider them together. Science can only take us so far, however, and the compassionate undertones in Karissa’s speech remind the listener that women don’t exist in vacuums. We’re part of society, which also gives meaning to being a woman.

To continue the theme, Emily Quinn starts her Ted Talk with “I have a vagina.” But she examines how we place people into boxes labeled “man” and “woman” and what it means to be intersex. Emily discusses natural human variation and the shortcomings of the sex/gender binary, and the harm it does to people.

Read

I’ve been busy reading other things but was so excited that my library picked up Kate Lister‘s A Curious History of Sex, which was released in February. I’m always impressed when a book surprises me with knowledge, and this one did!  It was funny and quick, and I hope to make time to review it shortly. If I don’t get around to it, I still recommend it!

One of the things about doing a semi-quarterly version of these posts is that I don’t feel the need to pad the posts. I really have a chance to consume some quality media, which doesn’t just make for good recommendations; it also keeps me entertained and informed. I hope these posts do the same for you, and if you think there’s something I ought to recommend or simply enjoy myself, please let me know in the comments!

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Categories: media recommendations

December 2019 Media Recommendations + 2019 Wrapup

December 31st, 2019

This month’s new media recommendations are all podcasts; although, there is some other media types to check out in my 2019 wrapup.

Dr. Lehmiller has made the rounds discussing his survey about sexual fantasies, but his spot on NPR’s What We Do was one of the best interviews about it, no doubt in part to the skilled host.

Another NPR podcast, Planet Money, ventured into the billion-dollar sperm bank industry.

Check out this episode of Sex Out Loud featuring Tina Horn, who discusses making comics about sexual freedom (in a way that I hope isn’t a bad omen) Then, check out SFSX.

Finally, in this episode of Speaking Out Loud, the Pleasure Mechanics tackle the myth of the hymen.

2019 Wrapup

I also wanted to highlight some of the media I consumed over 2019 that have stayed with me. The best books have already been linked in my “Best of 2019” post, so this focuses on podcasts and video content.

In one of the last episodest56 of the apparently-defunct Science of Sex podcast, Joe and Dr. Zhana interviewed PhD candidate Christina Parreira who actually worked in a brothel.

Science Vs broke down whether the fertility cliff is real.

Speaking of Lehmiller, he interviewed Ari Tuckman about his book ADHD After Dark. They discuss the very real ways ADHD can play out in sex and relationships.

Outward’s episode about bi culture has stuck with me in subtle ways, even if I don’t remember any particular quotes.

Another episode from Science Vs that was an amazing and emotional listen is The Abortion Underground.

I love how Sex Ed School teaches kids about sex in realistic, age-appropriate, and fun ways. This would never fly in the US, which is so frustrating, but perhaps some educators will find these videos helpful.

Unladylike dove into the rise (and fall) of lesbian bars around the world.

I grew so much respect for Amber Heard when she was on Sluts & Scholars.

I’m so glad that I received an email about Something Positive for Positive People. Courtney tackles the issue of herpes in a way that I can only hope to emulate. I particularly recommend episode 92.

You all know how much I love learning about the science of sex, so my mind was blown when I heard Nicole Krause talk about research I’d never heard of on American Sex.

The 8-part podcast Sold In America is about selling sex is amazing.

And if you prefer visual content, Philosophy Tube’s episode about sex work was highly-regarded and for good reason!

Although not about sex, I really enjoyed the episode of Freakonomics featuring Geena Davis, who talked about Hollywood’s princess problem.

I’d also like to recommend the audiobooks of the LOTR series as narrated by Ron Inglis. They were so good!

If you click no other links, you absolutely must check out the free series Mercy Mistress on YouTube. Based on the memoirs by Mistress Yin, it’s a lovely, erotic, and more realistic take on BDSM than we’re used to.

Finally, my readers should check out the nerdiness that is this American Sex podcast with erotica writer and tabletop gamer Shanna Germain.

 

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Categories: media recommendations

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June 2019 Media Recommendations

July 1st, 2019

June flew right past in a flurry of red tape, phone calls, and health concerns, so this post is later than it typically would be. However, this gave me a chance to binge a few podcasts and watch a few episodes so I can recommend more to my readers!

Listen

I was enthralled with the very first episode of Unladylike that I listened to once I came across it.  Cristen and Caroline, who formerly hosted Stuff Mom Never Told You, have been working on their podcast that tackles a variety of issues from a feminist POV since early last year. They’re all about smashing the patriarchy and encouraging women to do whatever the hell they want. It’s not a podcast I’d listen to every episode of, but I haven’t regretted any I’ve listened to. Of note are episodes titled How to Get a Rape Kit and How to Find a Lesbian Bar.

Note that none of these episodes are “how-tos.’ The naming mechanic is annoying.

The episode of Sex Out Loud with Yin Q introduced me to Mercy Mistress on Youtube but also her other projects including Red Canary, a sex worker organization that focuses on Chinese migrants who work at massage parlors. Yin Q describes to Tristan how selling sex work under the guise of licensed massage is actually a felony and describes the danger of being detained by ICE.

Just recently, Sluts and Scholars was removed from iTunes podcast list, and Shameless Sex had their IG account removed. I made a point to listen to both.

S&S had two great episodes with Amber Heard, with whom I was only really familiar because of her marriage to Johnny Depp. I loved learning more about her. Amber seems to be a strong, feminist who is very aware of her privilege.

I tuned in to the bonus Shameless Sex episode title Sex For Curvy Folks With Laura Delarato because I only had a little time. Laura discusses body positivity and practical sex advice for anyone who is curvy or having sex with a curvy partner.

Honestly, I listened to most of these tonight because I’ve been obsessively listening to Hello From the Magic Tavern for the last three weeks or so. It’s a nerdy, improv podcast that has successfully distracted me from the current stress of my life.

Watch

The Cut presents Sex Probz, a web series featuring sex educators Dirty Lola and Francisco who help people improve their sex lives. If you ever wanted to see someone’s sex life get a makeover, here you go! The pair provide simple solutions to issues such as long-distance relationships, having sex with a disability, exploring kink, and reclaiming your sexuality after having kids. Although the episodes are too short to go super in-depth, viewers can implement these practical changes in their own lives.

Samantha Bee’s Sex Ed for Senators is a hilarious, cutting, and enraging look at the misconceptions some politicians have about pregnancy and abortion. It’s probably old news for many of my readers but still entertaining.

I discovered Mercy Mistress when creator Yin Q was on Sex Out Loud. It’s a sexy series on YouTube. Each episode is short (under 4 minutes) and steamy without sacrificing reality (a huge criticism of Bonding on Netflix) as it takes a look at various aspects of a professional Domme. The music and visuals are both so well done. I love seeing kinky POC getting screen time! There are also bonus videos that introduce viewers to the different tools used.

Read

I focused on reading things unrelated to sex during the month of June, namely A People’s History of the United States and Grunt: The Curious Science of Humans at War, both of which I recommend. I also read a few comics/graphic novels. After thoroughly enjoying Good Omens on Amazon, I picked up the graphic novel adaptation of American Gods.

I also enjoyed the first two volumes of Man-Eater, a story about how cis girls who reach the age of menstruation become werecats that eat people. It highlights the mistrust and mistreatment of women in society. However, right around the time I discovered this series, author Chelsea Cain backed herself into a corner in response to critique that the comic ignores trans people. She’s since deleted her Twitter account and the future of Man-Eaters is unknown. I think the premise is interesting but agree that the comic is limited because Cain’s white feminism isn’t inclusive or intersectional. The experimental format also leaves each book feeling a little light. Perhaps we’ll see some less problematic feminist comics in the future.

I’m still reading A People’s History, so sex may take a backseat, but I welcome any of your suggestions.

What media did you consume related to sex last month?

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Categories: media recommendations

A Lover’s Pinch: A Cultural History of Sadomasochism

December 15th, 2018

A Lover's Pinch: A Cultural History of Sadomasochism
%18.70 (Kindle) from Amazon

Although there are many books about S&M, most of them focus on the erotic or instructional. This isn’t the case with A Lover’s Pinch: A Cultural History of Sadomasochism, a book by kinkster Peter Tupper. This means that A Lover’s Pinch fills a void, and it dives to depths I couldn’t have imagined before I started reading.

A Lover’s Pinch is a deep dive that goes far beyond Leopold von Sacher-Masoch the Marquis de Sade. Admittedly, I wasn’t expected to read analyses of how religion, war, and slavery impacted our sexualities (and relevant imagery is included on some pages), but the author of this book is not afraid to broach those subjects.

I wouldn’t say that tricky subjects aren’t handled with care within these pages or that it’s un-PC, but the tone is sometimes decidedly frank. If you’re especially religious or still experience trauma from war or slavery, then A Lover’s Pinch might not be a book you wish to pick up (or you may wish to skip those specific chapters).

With this in mind, the book starts with a strong historical tone. The author touche on worldwide (sometimes longstanding) stereotypes of sex and power including the Orient as well as Nazis (and the strange, erotic movies inspired by them).  It’s, thorough and interesting to learn but definitely dry and perhaps not applicable to modern kinksters.

I found that A Lover’s Pinch really picked up as Tupper dove into Victorian England’s relationship with sex, one that is similar to that in modern America: both obsessed and prudish. As he analyzes the (not-so) secret kink in this era, describes the lives of specific individuals and introduces the reader to publications that deal with S&M, you really get a feel for how long we’ve been into power exchange in our sex (and lives). Of course, these ongoings are generally fragmented, and there isn’t much to speak of in terms of community.

The reader watches the community come and build together in the 20th century, and this is where I think Tupper does the best at describing how things really were. Yes, some men returned from war, donned leather vests, and continued to live within the structure they’d grown to know in the service by practicing S&M with other men. But the author describes how, for some, the leather community was not one that was sexual.

As the book — and time — progresses, we learn how the kink community overlaps with the gay community and how, slowly but surely, gay women and, eventually, straight people join the S&M community. Tupper discusses some of the better-known groups from across the country and world, including DC’s Black Rose, Janus, and the many gay and lesbian communities that supported — and sometimes opposed — such activities.

I was especially struck by the way that the book describes how some feminists railed against S&M as something that was misogynistic. I learned of similar opposition from feminists to sex toys, especially dildos when I read Buzz.

Tupper’s analysis of gay, lesbian, and straight S&M is important, and he impresses upon the reader how these communities are still separated in ways — and even the division within the leather/gay S&M communities due to an entire generation succumbing to AIDS. If there is a more overarching theme of A Lover’s Pinch, I don’t know what it is. While many people are into S&M, and there are groups in many major cities, it’s still as fragmented as the Android market.

Still, S&M has followed a similar trajectory as homosexuality, first ignored and denied, then pathologized and illegalized, next slowly decriminalized, increasingly understand, and, to some extent, accepted. Tupper skillfully draws the parallel.

It was interesting to see the progression from haphazardly-created communities and risky scenes to planned organizations (and to learn the origin of munches) to the adoption of the “Safe, Sane, Consensual” creed, which was never intended to guide an entire sexual subculture. In some ways, BDSM became commodified alongside these other cultural shifts.

My favorite chapter in this book may have been that on “Alt.sex”. Although I am too young to have used Usenet, I remember the days of HTML-based chatrooms, which may have been my own introduction to BDSM. Tupper discusses the usefulness (and lack thereof) of capitalization conventions and how S&M relationships have existed solely in the online realm. He touches on Gor communities and online roleplaying. I remember many of these things fondly, and while they’re in relatively recent past when it comes to the overall history of S&M (as this book does a good job at pointing out), my own memories from 15-20 years ago seem so long ago.

As the book wraps up, Tupper reveals his own interest in S&M and coming out, and how coming out is different for kinksters than those in the LGBTQIA+ community, especially when it comes to the still-existing ramifications for those who might like their sex on the kinky side. Tupper discusses specific cases as recent as 2001 in which S&M interests left people ostracized and unable to find employment. And this is all despite the strides society has made to accept those who practice consensual S&M.

Finally, the author makes the case that S&M has both expanded sex and brought the idea of consent to the forefront in sexual and nonsexual interactions. He makes a nod to Fifty Shades while arguing that thanks to its popularity, BDSM is more visible than ever but still not part of the mainstream because the story wraps mild kink in a package of acceptable hetero romance. In comparison to this and other pop culture representations, BDSM can much more extreme, and mainstream portrayals still struggle to get it right.

On the other hand, Peter Tupper has worked hard to “get it right” in A Lover’s Pinch. His hard work is noticeable. It’s easy to appreciate the research that went into making this history of sadomasochism.

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Categories: Books, Reviews

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Sex Toy Sales + Coupons

April 28th, 2018

Below you’ll find the best deals on sex toys from all the shops that I work with and support. I’ll earn a commission if you click and shop. Thanks for supporting me!

Check back frequently for new sales on sex toys, lingerie and BDSM goodies — not to mention freebies!

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What I Wrote in 2017: Sex Ed, BDSM Guides, Relationship Advice + More

January 12th, 2018

Although I might have been uncharacteristically quiet on Of Sex and Love last year (I sometimes managed only to post a monthly Science of Sex post and certainly didn’t write enough reviews to post a best or worst of list!), I have not been quiet elsewhere.

Last year I continued to write for two other venues: Bad Girls Bible and Cirilla’s. I write dozens of pieces between the two of those, not to mention other clients (interested in someone writing for your own sex blog or sex toy store? You can hire me!).

The result includes some articles that I am pretty proud of. I’ve curated a list of posts that I think are especially helpful, well written or otherwise worth sharing.

For  Cirilla’s

I discussed 12 Things Porn Gets Wrong, which probably isn’t news to many of my readers, but many of these stereotypes are still perpetuated.

I also wrote about the Ways That Sex Changes In Your 30s, some of which are surprisingly awesome!

You can also check out my post called Why You Should Care About Sex Toy Materials. Again, this is old-hat stuff for some, but a reminder is always welcome. One thing I wanted to delve into but didn’t have the opportunity to do so is how green our sex toys are and where materials are sourced from.

Finally, I tackled 12 Sex Myths About Sex That Aren’t True. There are a lot of ideas that we believe to be true. But when you seek out accurate sex education that is also sex-positive, you quickly find that these ideas aren’t self-evident at all: they’re unhealthy and potentially harmful.

For Bad Girl’s Bible

I’ve been able to write more about BDSM, bondage and D/s lately, and I enjoy educating people on how these things can be sexy and healthy.

You’d think that I’ve been around the block enough to have tried — or at least known about — all the positions that facilitate orgasm. Then again, you’d be wrong.

Another element of safety in BDSM is aftercare, which I outlined in this post.

Writing about the hymen is similar to writing about virginity. Our current sex ed teaches us a lot of the wrong stuff, and this so-called knowledge can damage us in all sorts of ways.

Another post regarding the risk and safety involved in BDSM activities. Can there be too many?

There are so many negative views on porn, and the idea that men (people) in relationships shouldn’t enjoy it is definitely one of them. It’s all bogus, of course.

I quite enjoyed researching different styles of harnesses and rope bondage for this post. In fact, I wasn’t really a rope fan before writing it, but that has perhaps changed.

I am not personally one for more sensual styles of BDSM, but many people are. I hope this post encourages them to find their perfect flavor.

It’s no wonder that so many of my favorite pieces from last year were those that busted through stereotypes and myths surrounding sexuality.

Here’s to whatever 2018 brings!

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Categories: Articles

BDSM: A Guide for Explorers of Extreme Eroticism

October 31st, 2016

BDSM: A Guide for Explorers of Extreme Eroticism
$12.99 (Kindle) from Amazon

One of my goals this year was to read more, and I’m poised to finish about three dozen books by the end of 2016, which is a number with which I am quite happy. Few of these books are “assigned” reading a la reviews, and most of them actually aren’t about sex. I wanted to branch out into hard science and nonerotic fiction, so few of the titles on my bookshelf or Kindle were related to sex.

As you can guess, BDSM: A Guide for Explorers of Extreme Eroticism doesn’t break that mold, but it does stand apart from other books that I’ve read this year.

Now, I am no stranger to BDSM books. You can check out my reviews for As Kinky as You Wanna Be, Decoding Your Kink: Guide to Explore Share and Enjoy Your Wildest Sexual Desires, and S&M 101, among others. There are even a few in there that I forgot. BDSM: A Guide is not one that I will soon forget.

Part of this is because it’s a tome of a book. With over 600 pages, it might be the longest book I’ve read this year — or during the past several. There is a wealth of information provided by the author Ayzad.. if you’ve the time to peer between the pages. I do think this book could be intimidating to some because of its size and other reasons, which I will touch on later.

First, let me introduce you to Azad, an Italian and self-proclaimed pretentious European who wrote the first version of this book over a decade ago. Ayzad’s experience and connections have resulted in something that could be described as the ultimate BDSM textbook. If it’s not in this book, it’s either urban legend, frowned upon by conscientious kinksters or has been invented since this summer.

The original Italian book has been translated and updated for the world at large, and I was fortunate to review a copy on my Kindle. As you can imagine, a 500+ page book is one that could easily become overwhelming. I recommend the Kindle version not just for ease of searchability but also because it’s about half the price of the soft cover on Amazon and, I would imagine, a sure bit lighter!

I don’t normally comment on Kindle formatting, and there’s nothing terribly wrong with BDSM: A Guide for Explorers of Extreme Eroticism, but a lack of numbered chapters — both within the table of contents and the pages themselves — makes it a bit hard to determine where you are in the book. A bit of tweaking with the different headings would also aid this, but it’s certainly not the biggest thing that would prevent someone from picking up this book.

BDSM: A Guide for Explorers of Extreme Eroticism is, well, daunting. If you read the original, want a complete BDSM library or only want to read a single book on the subject ever, then this one is for you. On the other hand, I might recommend something a bit more specific to readers who are already well-versed in BDSM but wanted to learn more about a particular niche or something more accessible for those who are new to the subject or perhaps unsure whether BDSM is for them.

Ayzad doesn’t coddle his readers, and I must admit that I agree with when he describes himself as pretentious. Initially, this was offputting, but there is no doubt that the usefulness of this book overshadows that eventually.

As a resource, BDSM: A Guide for Explorers of Extreme Eroticism stands head and shoulders above other BDSM publications and certainly above most things you’ll see online (where many people are seeking answers to specific BDSM questions). I’ve written guides myself, but this book delves far deeper than typical BDSM activities and terms, introducing the reader to ideas that they never knew they wanted to try (or perhaps never realized they wanted to avoid!).

Indeed, Ayzad lists potentially dangerous activities such as choking out of due diligence, even while advising against them. He goes beyond a quick warning not to flog a person’s kidneys and provides ample advice for dealing with a scene gone wrong. In short, Ayzad emphasizes safety and consent in such a manner that shames traditional sex education for a lack thereof.

Ayzad includes a level of detail that’s not merely impressive. It’s almost magnificent. You can see this in charts, which explain to the reader just how much weight certain body parts can hold, how to care for BDSM implements of different materials, the effect of electricity on the body, and how much saline solution you can inject into various body parts. You can easily learn basic knots and how to create rope harnesses (not to mention the difference between Eastern and Western rope bondage) from the words and photos in these pages despite the fact that it’s just one element of BDSM.

BDSM: A Guide for Explorers of Extreme Eroticism isn’t dry, however. Stunning photos are peppered throughout the pages; although, positioning might be a little less than ideal if you use custom font sizes on your Kindle as I do.

The photos themselves are not the only thing that will arouse a reader’s mind. If you’re into any particular kink, this book will likely have your heart beating faster when you discover the section that’s closest to your deviant heart. For me, that was reading about needles, which I found particularly inspiring. Ayzad writes in a way that I imagine could inspire creativity in most readers who have a serious interest in BDSM. I found it difficult not to imagine myself shopping in a medical supply store looking for items that could be perverted for this very purpose.

There is such a wealth of information that Ayzad frequently refers the reader to his website to learn more (you’d be hard-pressed to find a more comprehensive list of BDSM websites than in the resources section), and I often found myself performing quick searches when I would discover something new (such as what a tawse is). I must admit humility upon learning how much there was yet to know about BDSM. In fact, he tries to introduce the reader to the Internet and the role it plays in learning about BDSM and finding like-minded individuals and partners. This is a worthy cause but seems a little futile to me given how frequently the Internet changes. The best place to

This is a worthy cause but seems a little futile to me given how frequently the Internet changes. The best place to read about using the Internet is simply online. These final pages seemed rush and lacking in the detailed information found previously in the book probably because of these the ever-changing nature of the Internet.

I’ll wrap this review up because, while nowhere near the length of BDSM: A Guide for Explorers of Extreme Eroticism, it’s certainly lengthy. There is little this book doesn’t touch on that falls under the umbrella of bondage, discipline, domination, submission, sadism and masochism. If you’re all at all familiar, some of the content may be redundant, which is why I recommend the Kindle version for ease of use.

For those people who are unsure about BDSM or need a friendlier tone, I might recommend As Kinky As You Wanna Be to pique your interest and quell any worries you have about consensual BDSM.. before eventually adding BDSM: A Guide for Explorers of Extreme Eroticism to your collection if it felt lacking.

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Categories: BDSM, Books, Reviews

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