All The Things You’ve Given Me

March 22nd, 2015

In 2015, I am in the middle of a heartbreak. I know it will not last forever. I know that it may not be my greatest to date. And it may not be the greatest I’ll ever experience. That knowledge offers solace in its own way.

But now is not the time for solace. Now is the time to be grateful and to achieve that, I have been musing over all the things that the bartender has given me throughout our long and tumultuous triste. And I can think of no better way to do this than by saying “thank you.”

Thank you for surprising me. I am no psychic. I cannot see the future, and sometimes I assume that my inability to do so means that nothing good will ever happen. You proved me wrong. You proved that good times and amazing memories and even love, the type of loves that pushes you to the ground and knocks the breath out of you and leaves your vision in swirls, can come from unexpected places when you least expect it. It gives me hope that the future truly is better than I can imagine and that something good might just be around the corner.

And you are just the latest in a parade of people, flirtationships, partners, almost lovers and more, who have give me perhaps more than I deserve.

To the first one after my divorce — so many years after my divorce. Thank you for being comfortable, for being a kind person with whom to experience such a terrifying experience anew. You gave me the confidence and the assurance that it wasn’t so terrifying to be with someone else. You made me feel desirable.

Thank you you for liking me as much as you did. I needed that. I am sorry that I couldn’t provide the same for you in return. I hope you will have fond memories anyway.

Where would I be without the hot geek, the guy who felt like he would be my one who got away for years? Despite the fact that I know this is no longer the case, I wouldn’t be even a fraction of who I am without his accidental assistance.

Thank you, then, to him who taught me I am a nice person. I had never dared consider that about myself before him. Thank you for flirting and laughter and cuddles and the best kisses of my adult life. Thank you for allowing me to (re)discover my geekery. Thanks for being humble despite being such a treat for my eyes to feast upon.

I hope the woman you found does all of this for you and more!

To my ex-husband, the person who deserves thanks in various and confusing ways. I know I will miss things that could be added to this list, but four years is a long time to remember all those little things.

Thank you for the inside jokes, your adorable silliness and for being the first person with whom I could express my sexual side without hiding it. Thank you for, literally, showing me the world. The time away from my home town and my family made me appreciate them all the more when it was finally time to return to them.

Thank you for making me believe in the institution of marriage, for the first time in my life, if only for a little while. Thank you for bringing a sense of calm and serenity to my life and for being the first person to hold me together, physically and emotionally.

I am forever in your debt, not only for sharing a life, money and a home, but for the pets we would adopt together. Thank you for allowing me to keep them. During out time together, I was finally able to feel like I wasn’t facing this world alone. I felt like I was part of a team, and that other people understood the same struggles we were going through.

And, finally, thank you for leaving me. I am not sure when, or if, I ever would have had the courage to leave our marriage. I loved you so much, but you were slowly killing me. Although I still disagree with your reasons and ultimately think that our marriage could have worked had we better worked together, the sudden change in the direction my life went in is the single greatest motivation I’ve ever had to be happy. And I needed that.

It was through our separation and divorce that I finally found a counselor who clicked and a counseling style that I still rely on to this day. It was through those trials and many, many errors that I would build the foundation of the adult that I am today — well-adjusted, compassionate, caring, helpful, three-dimensional, sex positive and more.  While I cannot say for sure that it wouldn’t have happened anyway given time, thank you for pushing it to happen more quickly. I am glad to have the worst behind me.

Thank you for showing me that I needed to believe in myself so that I could avoid the same mistakes we made with future partners. I hope you’ve learned anything at all from us. Without you, I am not sure I would be able to feel grateful to anyone who came after you.

Thank you.

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Categories: Dating, The Bartender

Statistics

March 1st, 2014

There are 7 billion people on this planet. And even though I haven’t met all of them — I can’t possible meet all of them in a single lifetime — there’s only one person who makes me feel like you do. Out of everyone who I’ve ever met, there’s only you who has made me feel

  • Safe
  • Accepted
  • More myself

I cannot say that others haven’t come close. Or that someone else might make me feel the same. Or that someone might even do it better. I am not a fortune teller but, as of this very moment in time and space, you are one in 7 billion.

And I don’t even think you realize this.

Without you, I am less me.

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Categories: Dating, The Bartender

lingerie

Honestly

August 3rd, 2013

The truth is.. I thought that we were incredibly close to something real, something comfortable and sexy, something unbreakable once we got to that point. I don’t want that to slip away, and I want you to say the same thing.

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Categories: Dating, The Bartender

It’s Raining Men

March 11th, 2013

The number of guys who have stepped up to tell me that they do/have liked or want to fuck me is ridiculous. I’ve never felt this surrounded by men before, and it’s flattering. It’s also frustrating. Almost all of these people are those who I’d pursue romantic or sexual interactions enough to see where they go.. if everyone could somehow just wait in line. I can’t ask that of anyone, of course, but I’m worried that if I pursue one person, they will be the wrong one, and the right will slip away because I was too busy. This is a little paranoid, of course, but that’s how I roll.

The problem is, I need to either do or don’t with the bartender, which is what I shall call the friend from this post. I want there it to be do — sexually and emotionally. At some point, I became ready to commit to him without realizing it. I literally woke up one day not wanting to wait any longer, but he wants to take things slowly. This is incredibly flattering because he doesn’t take things slowly. He wants to explore and see. I think he wants to play it safe to prevent hurting me. I respect this. It’s touching. It’s just not getting me sex or cuddles in nearly the quantity that I’d like.

In the meantime, I’m trying not to be clingy because I can feel myself moving in that direction, and I’m almost regretful that so many other opportunities seemed to have present themselves. Surely some of those nice and interesting guys would volunteer for cuddles and sex at my request. It’s not that I don’t like him or even like him enough, but I definitely know he’s a risk and these “safe” prospects make me doubt myself.

Roses are red

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Categories: Dating

Sex -and- Love

March 4th, 2013

Do you ever sit down to write a blog post only to realize that you have so much to say that you don’t know where to start? This is exactly me right now. To begin with, I’ve had an incredibly busy week that involved seeing friends and family every single day. I’d hang out with one group only to leave and go someplace else. There’s no doubt that it’s been fun, but I’ve hardly had time to keep up with any of my blogs, including of Sex and Love.

Some other things have been sucking up my time, namely, Facebook games like Candy Crush Saga and Tumblr. In an interesting twist, a guy who I would consider having sex with hung out with me and a friend, and we began discussing Tumblr. My account has mostly existed to look at nerdy stuff and porn, so exchanging links has been enlightening. We have similar interests and both seem to be similarly single, which has led to some late-night texts and messages while he’s drunk, lonely and horny.

If this had happened just a month ago, I’d take him up on the offer. Who knows where it could lead? However, I haven’t because..

I recently started talking to a friend with whom I’ve had a falling out. Via some honest conversations, I discovered that he’d liked me for quite a long time, and after having sex with the emo guy, I find myself wanting more sex. I initially got ahold of this old friend in hopes that we might develop a physical/sexual relationship only; however, things seemed to be getting more emotional than that. We’ve had fun hanging out and flirting, and he’s obviously still into me.

What I didn’t expect to happen was to develop feelings for him as well. This all culminated in a wonderful night of cuddling on my couch, making out and some much-needed licking on his part. A couple orgasms later and we were sleeping in one another’s arms in my bed.

It might sound silly, but the last time I had sex was disappointing. I actually forget about it, so spending intimate time with this friends feels like the first time since my ex-husband. That’s true enough for the emotional part, I think, but not necessarily the physical. The difference is, of course, that I was to continue having a romantic and sexual relationship with this guy.. and it’s a relief. After coming out of my relationship with my ex, I found it difficult to imagine that I’d find someone to whom I was attracted, wanted to be physical and felt affection for who might also reciprocate. I fretted about the first time I would kiss or fuck another. I worried about my body image and self esteem, doubting if I could ever be comfortable enough with another person again. I doubted my experience, thinking that people would somehow label me the inexperienced girl. For the most part, I am sure that these are issues many people experience during a breakup, but those last two years have been so long that it seemed like it would never happen for me.

And now? It’s happening. Fooling around, and the guy still wants to talk to me, to do more with me. He likes pleasing me, he enjoys my body. It almost seems silly to think that I worried about those things, but the feelings are still too recent to forget them entirely. It’s very teenagery, these feelings, but I can’t help it. I spent most of my adult life married and doing things with one person — one person who was way far less able to make me feel comfortable and loved than my friend-with-more-than-benefits. It feels good to feel normal like everyone else. I’m in the game.

Maybe, now, I can finally get this blog back on track.

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Categories: Dating

I’m Not a Magic 8 Ball

December 5th, 2011

Earlier today I had a helpful conversation with a good friend. We both talked about our current boy/girl woes and he helped me feel like I’m not crazy. It’s not that I feel like I am crazy but I sometimes suffer from self-doubt. Not the helpful type (“Hey, maybe this isn’t the best idea”) but the unhelpful type (“OMG what if this isn’t the best idea?!?!?”). I’ve been wondering if I’m setting myself up to be hurt, if I need to draw the line with the Hot Nerd, cut out all the cuddles and silliness and seriously cut back our amount of communication. Some of my friends think I should have a long time ago and even those who don’t are sick of me talking about him because nothing has changed, I know.

But my friend suggested that maybe I’m doing things right. He agreed that it seems like there’s something there with the Hot Nerd and, after I explained everything that had happened with him, he suggested that maybe my friend had more issues with opening up and connecting than I had realized. I assumed that the Hot Nerd would be able to do so because he readily admitted he was a sensitive guy — it was one of the first things he said to me — but maybe I was expecting too much and too much too soon. We both agreed that I could be a safe place for the Hot Nerd and that I could potentially help him to learn to connect, even if he wound up connecting with someone else. Either way, I’d learn something about myself.

I hadn’t really given thought to the fact that the Hot Nerd might be insecure of have trouble connecting and I’ve probably glanced over his lack of experience more than I should have. Perhaps our issues are due far more to his insecurities and his own issues than I realized. He’s nothing like my ex-husband in the way that he handles things (he’s definitely more accepting of himself) but I do see to be attracted to the sensitive, silly type. My friend thinks that, given what I’ve told him, it seems like there’s something there.

His advice to me is to wait and see how things progress. If I’m a safe place, things could work out. I may get hurt but it might not even be because of the Hot Nerd. I should keep my other options open but, as I’ve explained, nothing more appealing than the Hot Nerd has presented itself. For now, I’m content to be in the confusing and somewhat frustrating situation with the Hot Nerd. After talking with my friend, I feel like it’s something I can do. I can be patient and I can guard myself just enough that I won’t necessarily be torn asunder should things turn out less than ideal. He complimented the fact that I’d even go that far for the Hot Nerd.

It was a validating and eye-opening conversation all around. I’m glad we had it.

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Categories: Everything Else

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Here’s the Plan

June 23rd, 2011

I’ve finally decided to stop trying not to fall for the adorable geek even if he’s not into me. Even if he never will be. It’s a risk that feels incredibly unlike me but also feels right at the same time. So, while not exactly rushing in blindly, this is a risk but a calculated risk, I have decided to let myself fall. I feel alive when falling in love. I feel alive, albeit miserable, when my heart is broken. I can’t help but think of him as the type of person who’s worth being broken hearted over. I never thought of my ex in those terms and, at the end of the day, he’ll never know and our amazing friendship will continue.

Oddly enough, as soon as I gave myself permission to fall for him, I started feeling a little less enamored. Is it the thrill of the chase? Or am I just not the type who can prolong emotions unrequited for extended periods of time? Perhaps I simply do not see him frequently enough and I forget how good he smells and how silly he is and how amazing his arms feel around me when I do see him?

You know what? Scratch that last paragraph. Damn.

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Categories: Everything Else

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