lotion Archives - of Sex and Love

Wanna Be Dazzling Sparkling Body Lotion

January 30th, 2012

This is an archived review of a discontinued product.

So Classic Erotica sent me the matching body lotion scent to go with my snazzy new body mist because those folks are all a bunch of BAMFs. There’s a lot of the same stuff going on between these two products, and that’s a good thing. They smell nearly identical, and that’s important to me. I hate buying a product, falling in love with the scent, and buying another in the lineup only to find out that it smells completely different. That’s so not the case with the body lotion; although, it might smell slightly more berry-like.

The body lotion is slightly longer lasting, too. I put it on one night and could smell it the next morning. It was a great product to smell as I slept but, even during my waking hours, I find myself always sniffing the lotion.

The packaging is almost the same for the lotion. Pink with a cap. The lotion bottle was locked when I first received it. This is a good feature but the height of the pump is slightly shorter than other pumps and I had a hell of a time turning it to get it unlocked. I definitely will be keeping it “open” from now on,

The lotion is thin enough to work well with a pump bottle but this also means it’s not thick enough to do heavy duty. It’s more cosmetic. It does make my hands feel softer and does last through at least one washing. It also doesn’t simply rub over/around the skin like some lotions. That bugs the crap out of me.

As the name suggests, this one contains little sparkles. They’re harder to notice in the dark but super easy to spot in bright light and outside. Because of this, I will mostly be saving this for a night-time product. I don’t usually wear a lot of glitter during the day. It’s not my thing. On the other hand, your arms and chest can bling out if you apply this there.

But while I like this lotion enough, I don’t love it, and the price of nearly $10 for six ounces seems a bit outrageous. It’s not widely available yet, either. Perhaps if more retailers carry it—which I would recommend—the price might drop. It may be a slightly cheaper option if you’re a fan of Victoria’s Secret sweet lotions; however, Bodycology offers a pretty sweet-smelling vanilla cupcake lotion for less than half the price at Target.

I better end this review, though, before you all become HANGRY.

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Categories: Reviews, Sexual Health and Beauty

Cake Body Butter

December 28th, 2011

Cake Body Butter

Thankfully, this terrible product is no longer available.

It’s fucking perplexing is what it is. How did TopCo come up with the Cake line of body products? How did they design them so gorgeously? How did they plant the idea into my head that I needed them? And how the hell did they create body butters that smell rancid?

If you don’t live in a barn or Afghanistan, then you know I’ve been wanting to try these products for a while. I did try the lipgloss and it was all right. It didn’t put me off, though! I’ll just try a different product, a different scent. Surely I’ll like some of it?! So I was pretty damned excited when the folks at OurNaughtySecrets scent me not one but three of the body butters. I was all kid-in-a-candy shop when I opened the box because, in my opinion, Topco really struck it out of the park with this line.

The packaging is all feminine colors and cartoon pin-ups, reminiscent of a simpler time. Each scent features a different girl and color scheme. For instance, red velvet is pink and boasts a bosomy blonde who reminds me, ever-so-slightly, of Nancy Drew. Y’know, if she were a bosomy blonde who wanted to suck my cock.

The lotion comes in jars but the jars themselves sit in little cardboard boxes that open from the top, like bakery boxes. Except for the Angel Food Cake. That one has some weird hanging box design that is awkward. Still, the design is cute and the jars themselves have metal lids which already remind me of something you’d find in the kitchen or bakery.

Then you open them up and SWEET MOTHER OF JESUS CHRIST WHAT THE FUCK IS THE ATROCITY I AM GOING TO KILL MYSELF THRICE!!!! AAAHHUYTTRFDQWGWQGARGLE! And that is putting it nicely. Something went horribly, horribly, God-awfully wrong with the actual formula. The body butters smell rancid. There’s no other way to put it. I’m not entirely sure that the ingredients didn’t somehow start to ferment as the product sat in a warehouse and on trucks during shipping. Or maybe no one smelled the products after the final testing phase. Either way, it.is.bad.guys.

The Devil’s Food cake smells like rancid chocolate. Like you made some pudding, let it rot for a year and a half while you were in a coma, came home and thought “Hey, maybe it’s still good.” It’s not. The red velvet smells startlingly similar; although, it’s more generically sweet and rancid. To be honest, it’s kind of hard to pin down what red velvet actually smells like and I couldn’t even describe the taste but I’m sure this is not it.

The Angel Food doesn’t actually smell rancid. It could be getting there, though. There’s just a hint of something that I don’t like so while I am going to throw away the body butters in the other scents, I will probably try to use this one. Once I put it on, the scent seems much more balanced. It’s got a kind of vanilla/white-cake smell going on but there’s a definite hint of something like hazelnut which doesn’t belong. I had the same complaint about the lip gloss so.. at least they got it wrong consistently? It’s not awful, though, just nuttier than I’d like.

The body butter is thick and whipped. It’s fun. It rubs into the skin nicely, rather than slathering about on top of it, and does leave my skin faster. However, the containers are only about half full. Perhaps Topco meant to only fill it to below the brim but it’s shifted in transit and has moved to only one half of the jar.

So, the jars are super cute and after I empty them, I will definitely want to put stuff in them. Like pennies, except I have this awesome change counting jar. What the hell should I do with the cute containers from the awful atrocities Topco calls Cake?