Happiness and Love, Totally Mutually Inclusive

September 7th, 2010

I know, I know. A post with a title like that has potential to be all sorts of fucked up. This one’s not. Trust me.

I’m not one of those people who needs love in order to be happy. I have been one of those people but I am not now. Being in love makes things better, I admit, but things can be pretty awesome with it.

Yet, when I feel happiness, I feel love. I feel more love for everyone and everything. My friends, my family, my cats, my possessions, Republicans. It’s true. I feel happy and, by default, I feel and give love. I also feel a lot of gratitude. It’s probably the most awesome way to confuse a group of emotions.

It makes me even happier to think there is such love, that it even exists in the world. That I ever felt it. That anyone else does. It’s kind of a positive catch 22, an upward spiral, if you will.

I think this is making me a better person but even more importantly, a better friend and loved one. That makes me happy, too.

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Categories: Everything Else

Sex and Love

March 21st, 2010

I never felt like a typical female in regards to sex and love. I guess I didn’t really see them as necessarily connected; although, I thought they could be and when they are it can improve upon both aspects. While I have thoroughly enjoyed the sex I have had with my husband, there have only been a few times when I felt that sex qualified as “love making” and this did prove to be a bit disheartening at times.

I guess I hadn’t realized that the act itself was something I was able to enjoy, for the most part, because I do love my husband. As much as I enjoy sex in and of itself, I would not be able to enjoy it with a person whom I did not trust. I would not enjoy it were I not comfortable with my partner. It would not be satisfying if I doubted that person’s intentions or if I were worried about my safety. While not all of these things require a loving or romantic relationship, they do go well together and it does make me feel a greater connection between sex and love.

I am not entirely sure if my husband realizes that there is a connection at all. After all, our relationship started off on a sexual foot and while that is not entirely bad (previously, I had not known how to add sexuality to my relationships so getting it out of the way at the first has its benefits), I do think it left an inaccurate impression. To put it bluntly, I think my husband thinks of me as more promiscuous than I am (not that promiscuity if bad, just that I am not really). He does not realize how large a role that he, specifically, plays in my ability to be sexual. He views himself or any potential partner of mine as replaceable and I think there is at least some hard feelings because of it. It saddens me.

I suppose, if it weren’t him, it would have been someone else.. eventually but I think that eventually would have taken a few more years at the very least. I didn’t have any plan about losing my virginity. I wasn’t ready to give it away in middle school nor was I waiting for some biblically appropriate moment. The time simply felt right with him so I had sex for the first time with someone I cared for a great deal and, overall, it was a positive experience which has led to more positive sexual experiences.

But I do wish I had come to realize how intertwined the two can be for me earlier so that I could share it with him.

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Categories: Everything Else

I’m Happy

October 9th, 2009

You may not be able to tell; after all, I’m a picky bitch through and through. And it certainly isn’t in every aspect of life but, lately, when it comes to love, I can say that I’m happy.

The other day, we were sitting in our armchair (which is nice and big) and doing something related to cuddling. It suddenly struck me just how much that is exactly where I wanted to be, perhaps needed to be, and how glad I was to be there. Since then I’ve been thinking about all the little things and being more appreciative for him doing what he does for me and us. It doesn’t hurt that we haven’t argued in some weeks, either.

Sometimes I have issues recognizing my feelings. Sometimes I don’t even realize it until they’re long gone. His deployment took an emotional toll, of course. Yet, it wasn’t until the end that I realized how far down I’d sunk. I didn’t realize that my constant fears about mortality and my complete lack of motivation to do anything in life were so closely connected to my husband being gone. I just thought “I’m fine, not perfect, but I’m fine” until one day I realized that I wasn’t fine. I was worried about not being able to make anything of myself ever so much that I didn’t even want to try and I was worried that not doing anything would mean I would live a pointless life so death became a very real fear.

I guess I also didn’t notice those thoughts slipping away, too. Even if it’s only slowly happening. I hadn’t realize it’s been a day, two days, a week since I last focused on those thoughts. I hadn’t realized how much of a foundation he provides, how much direction he gives me. How much he makes me want to live and, for that, I am happy.

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Categories: Everything Else

Sex With My Love

August 20th, 2009

My husband is home and, of course, that mean sex. Unfortunately, it’s not as much sex as either of us would like but, on the other hand, I’m really glad I still want lots of sex after having it. Before he was deployed, I just thought too much about sex without actually doing it. I would think about the effort and the messes and I would actually ignore my body’s physical response to his touch because of the nagging thoughts. It was a miserable mindset and while I haven’t relished the fact that we have been apart for most of this year, I’m glad of the motivation it has provided.

When I think about sex, talk about sex, or blog about sex I tend to do it in a rather objective way. There’s definitely emotional disconnect even if I’m talking about my sex life. It’s not entirely unusual for me to get lost listening to my inner voice talk about the mechanics of sex and totally not be into it and.. that frequently leads me to think that I don’t really like sex and then I don’t want to have it but it’s not true. My inner voice really just needs to STFU sometimes and, right now, it’s pretty much drowned out by the rest of my body’s sexual needs. I touched on this on the EdenFantasys forums and, sadly, I don’t have much of a “cure” for this, at least not something that can be used on a frequent basis.

Anyway, this all sort of leads me to think that sex is very separate from emotion for me and that’s just not true. And I’m glad it’s not true. Maybe it can be and I’d be lying if I said a large part of my sex life doesn’t revolve simply around attraction and physicality but that’s not all of it. And maybe it’s not even the important part of it and maybe I’m just too wrapped up in my head to realize but, obviously, it’s nearly impossible to not have super emotional sex after your husband returns from deployment.

It’s good to feel that connected even if it feels awkward to cry during sex. It’s good to hold eachother that tight. It’s good to feel when you spend so much time not feeling. Sometimes I have such a hard time reconciling my thoughts with my feelings and all the feelings come pouring out so strongly that I just can’t think. Can’t. Despite the fact that so much of me thrives on control, I really do appreciate those moments and desire more of them when it comes to my relationship and sex.

In spite of the situation that has led to it, I’m grateful to be reminded that I like sex, I want it and having it is an emotionally charged experience. It’s shocking how easily that can be forgotten.

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Categories: Everything Else

Clarity

April 18th, 2009

My hair is matted to my face with sweat. In the movies, it would swirl around my face in perfect waves but this is not a movie. It’s messy and tangled and it suddenly dawns on me how erotic that is.

I am covered in sweat, the sheets beneath me are warm with it. I always sweat more when I masturbate than during sex. I could say I don’t know why but I would be lying. It’s not because you do all the work, either. It’s because during masturbation, I feel it so entirely. I move my entire body. My back and hips lift from the bed. Some might use words like “gyrate” to describe the movement but I prefer “hump.”

I’ve always wondered if it’s the same for other women. Or am I unique in the way I pleasure myself? It’s a constant increase in effort. It’s a lot of work and it’s not explosive when I get off. It’s almost angry in a sense, as though my body were screaming.

I’ve masturbated so hard my arms and wrists have hurt for days. Sometimes I cannot help but laugh when I remember why I hurt. I moan and sigh and blood rushes to place no one else has experienced. No one but you.

Without fail, my fantasies turn to you. Sometimes things we have done. Sometimes things we have yet to do. In my mind, we’re fucking. In reality, my legs spread to let even the thought of you penetrate me.

I try to remember the last time we had sex. It’s been too long and I don’t know the date anyway. I can never remember how frequently we hace sex. Is it once a day or once a week? I remember, the orgasm though. I remember your body, slick with sweat, atop mine. I remember my fingers working furiously at my clit and feeling my orgasm. I remember looking up at you and commanding you.

“Look at me. Look at me!”

And you did. You looked at me as I came, your cock thrusting into my pussy and I worked it for all I was worth. It was the first time I ever really let the orgasm take control. My hips bucked beneath you and it just kept coming, my pussy contracting around your cock. I don’t know if it was the longest orgasm I have yet to experience or simply what can be only be called a clusterfuck of orgasms. But I know I came and my face was intent on yours as I did.

It was a bold move on my part, commanding your attention. It took so much, more than any other time I ventured to try something new. For years, I had avoided eye contact. Eye contact, I thought, showed vulnerability and I could not afford that. I remember you, early on, lying in my bed and wanting to look me in the eye but I simply stared at the ceiling instead.

It changed. Somewhere along the way, it was okay to be vulnerable with you, to look you in the eye, to cry when the need arose. Isn’t that a testament to our bond? But it still took years to break the barrier that prevented me from making eye contact during sex. How could we been having sex, been married for years without ever doing this? Why didn’t I push for it earlier? Had I known..

Had I known how deeply I would feel my orgasm. Had I known how deeply connected I would feel to you. Had I known how it would make you orgasm with me. We should have been doing this all along. I should have let myself experience this all along. I should have let us.

My revelation is short lived. You’re not here to share now and my heart feels heavy, my pussy shockingly empty. I can’t count the days until your return, either. It’s like I’m stuck in limbo.

And so I return to fantasizing about you. It’s like I have been rewired and every erogenous zone, every lustful thought connects straight to you. I imagine making up lost time. I throw myself into our love making, in my mind, straddling, kissing, stroking, touching you. Loving you. I don’t have to imagine to know that nothing has ever come so naturally to me. There were times I wanted to fight it with every fiber of my being yet I can’t imagine why. I can’t imagine fighting it anymore. Ever again.

I fantasize about you. See your body, hear your voice, feel your skin in my mind. I moan your name aloud as I cum, as though you are there with me. You’re not but I promise you all of my fantasies – and more – when I see you again, love. I don’t need to close my eyes to you anymore.

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Categories: Stories

When Sex Isn’t The Best

February 16th, 2009

Sometimes sexual intimacy, even with those we love the most, is a bit of a letdown. It can be disappointing for everyone involved. A caring partner wants his or her lover to feel pleasure and it can be just as frustrating when the pleasure we seek is just out of reach. Nevertheless, it’s completely normal and there are a lot of factors which can occasionally put a dent in our sex lives. The important thing is to recognize there is nothing “wrong” with either partner and allowing these instances to bring down our sex lives in general does no one any good. But before you go and get all hotheaded, keep these things in mind:

Sex will sometimes disappoint
It happens. It has happened before and it will happen again but letting a handful of instances erase your memory of dozens which are excellent won’t make you feel any better. On the other hand, is the ratios are reverse, perhaps your sex life can use some sprucing up.
Sexual performance is not always linked to attraction, emotion or even physical pleasure.
Your health, lack of sleep, stress level, medication, anxiety to perform and mental preoccupation with anything can all lead to less than desirable sex. If you have been busy, overworked, under nourished or are suffering from a medical ailment, sex may suffer, too. If your mind is elsewhere, too busy to focus on pleasure, how can you expect sex to be wonderful? Rest assured that if some sessions in the sack are less than perfect, it doesn’t mean you don’t find your partner attractive, love them or enjoy what they do and the same applies when roles are reversed!
We all have off days.
Maybe you’re an excellent speaker, writer, artist, performer, mathematician or scientist. Even experts have “off” days and they learn to take them in stride. Few, if any, people are at their best 24/7.
We learn from our mistakes.
No one who ever did anything amazing stopped after their first set back. Some kept up, failure after failure, until they came up with something that worked. I doubt Einstein or Steve Jobs or DaVinci gave up just because the job was tough and neither should you.
It doesn’t have to hurt your relationship.
Sometimes we take it personally when our partners aren’t experiencing as much pleasure as we’d like them to but communication goes a long way. If you couldn’t orgasm don’t storm out of the room; let your partner know that he or she did everything you expected and more but, hey, it’s just “one of those days.”

When you’ve taken a deep breath and accepted these facts, then it might be time to figure out why sex was lacking but do not assign blame.It might be one of the issues highlighted before or something else completely. When you recognize the issue, you can do more to fix it? Stressed? Lay off the caffeine, cut out projects which are unnecessary and stop spreading yourself so thin. Take more time for you (take a bubble bath, do a crossword or nap), add more foreplay and focus on your senses rather than just getting off. Interference from your health or medication? Talk to your doctor. Preoccupied? Take time to unwind after your day before hopping into bed. Once you shut the bedroom door, keep your worries out there.

If it helps, have a conversation with your lover to let them know what’s going on inside your mind. Maybe they can help you de-stress, get healthier and wind down after a rough day. Sex is a two-way street and no one expects you to walk it alone.

I know I sometimes (okay, always) have a tendency to focus on the bad and can use a reminder every once in a while: disappointing sex is not the end of the world! One bad session may lower my interest in sex in the recent future but, the truth of the matter is, if you’re too busy focusing on what’s bad, you’ll never feel motivated enough to work toward the good. The sooner you get back on the proverbial horse, the sooner you’ll be enjoying sex again. There’s no use causing further disappointment in your sex life by lamenting over something which is easily fixed and completely normal.

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Categories: Articles

Happy Valentine’s Day, Or Is It?

February 15th, 2009

Valentine’s Day has always been stressful. Lovers strive to please those with whom they share intimate moments and, usually, their beds. Recipients paste on fake smiles as gifts don’t measure up or fail to come at all. Sometimes, the surprise is ruined by emergencies and unexpected intrusions by life’s practicalities. Of course, Valentine’s Day is always full of mass produced trinkets, cards and waxy chocolates which can sometimes seem to reduce the sincerity of the holiday. And sometimes, just sometimes, it’s as perfect as we all wish it to be (I haven’t experienced yet but my sources tell me this is the case).

Those perfect days are few and far between, judging from the what the internet has to say and the advent of “Single’s Awareness Day” which we all know is simply a holiday somebody invented because Valentine’s Day made him feel down in the dumps; most people are not fans of this holiday. I could go either way, myself. If you have someone and care to make it special, it can be despite the capitalistic spin it’s taken. On the other hand, it’s easy to look at as simply another day out of the year.

But why is it that Valentine’s Day and other similar holidays (New Year’s Eve Kiss, anyone?) cause so many to feel so much spite and, yes, even intense hatred? I’d say it likely has much to do with the fact that these celebrate love and praise the status of being “taken.” Now, I have nothing against love or finding someone who compliments you so well that you want to dedicate (at least a portion of) your life to them but, in praising this status, Valentine’s Day suggests that those who have not obtained such a status, regardless of the reason, are somehow inferior.

And no one wants to feel inferior. So we do everything in our power to be apart of the “in” crowd from sending ourselves flowers to lying about the lack of a someone special in our life. Of course, some people take a different route and, instead of lying, simply write off Valentine’s Day and even the idea of love itself. I would advise against this because love can be a wonderful thing; I just don’t find it necessary. I think we all should be open to finding love but not desperate to do so.

Furthermore, no one wants to be reminded of the fact that finding a special someone has proven more difficult than we first suspected. Or of our tumultuous previous relationships. Or of exes who broke our hearts (and maybe stole our money, too). Or the one who got away. When our coworkers and classmates get flowers at work or school from lovers to secret admirers, it’s too easy to feel spiteful or to even shed a tear or two – even if we wouldn’t otherwise care.

No matter your hookup status, it does us all good to take a deep breath and remember that Valentine’s Day doesn’t need to be a day where we torture ourselves with unnecessary pressure by trying to find the perfect gift, the perfect dress, the perfect date or the perfect ice cream to sooth our souls. At the end of the day, it is just another day. If you choose to view it as something special, good for you. If you’re enjoying the role of being single, good for you, too. If you’re somewhere in limbo, I hope you come out on top. There’s nothing wrong with treating yourself to flowers to tide you over until next year and don’t forget to take the time to stop and smell them.

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Categories: Articles

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