Below you’ll find all of the sex toy reviews I’ve written at Of Sex and Love. Find my opinions on vibrators, dildos, media (sex education books, porn, DVDs and erotica), bondage and BDSM gear, lingerie, anal toys, lube, massage products, and more!
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Scoop Vibrator
N/A
from
This is an archived review of a discontinued product.
The last few reviews focused on items that are available to win from my anniversary giveaway, and this post is no different. Well, it’s a little different: it’s not for a book. The focus of this is a newish vibrator from Company Screaming O.
This toy is also a bit of a departure for ScreamingO, a company you may know better for vibrating cock rings that are generally single-use and, well, kind of chintzy. I have used a similar toy exactly once, and that might have been too much. It wasn’t by ScreamingO, but I decided that the concept of the flimsy ring with attached bullet was worth no one’s time. In my head, I associated low-quality rings with a low-quality company.
So what made me change my mind and decide to review the Scoop for Screaming O?
I think we can break it down by those points pretty much.
The shape of the Scoop reminds me of a large tongue. It’s much thicker at the base and curves and tapers toward the tip, which is a wide “point.” Scoop looks quite plush, and the silicone is dense. I would hesitate to call it soft because it’s so dense. There’s some give at the tip, but I honestly suspected it to be softer. You can use the Scoop with a lot of pressure without doing any damage, however. A toy such as the Tango feels much sharper when I press it against my body.
However, the Scoop’s shape does fail to really wow me. Perhaps the rounded edge lacks something pinpoint or the density of the tip dulls the pressure and sensation. Another reviewer mentioned using Scoop on its side rather than the tip.
The rounded base makes the Scoop easy to hold, and the single button is just as easy to use. However, it’s near the base in a location that I just don’t love. I actually wish the button was closer to the tip. I don’t know if I am alone in this, but buttons located near the base of toys have almost always been awkward for me.
The Scoop is curious from other vibrators in one way, however: when you press the button to turn it on, it jolts into life after you hold the button. I mean, the vibrator actually seems to jump. It doesn’t take away from use, but it does make the Scoop seem like it lacks a bit of finesse. The vibrations of this toy are moderately rumbly at first.
Scoop has twenty functions, and you need to press the lone button to cycle through each of them. Although you can simply hold the button to turn it off, there’s no easy way to cycle through the settings. And to move past steady vibration, you need to press the button ten times. I have never needed ten separate modes of vibration, and the higher ones are impossibly buzzy and blend together.
I am used to this with vibrators but wish it wasn’t the case. My hand absorbs a lot of the vibrations during use. The vibrations are strongest on the inside of the scoop and not the tip, perhaps because of the density of the silicone. This isn’t the spot I’d imagine most people would press against their sensitive parts. It’s particularly awkward for clitoral use but could work for nipple stimulation.
These all seem similar to describe, and they feel that way, too. Y’all know that I’ve never been a huge fan of settings, but someone who enjoyed them would likely find them too similar and be annoyed by having to press the button the Scoop twenty times to get to a single one. It would be nice if Scoop remembered the last-used setting.
According to the description, you can get an hour’s use out of the Scoop. I didn’t time it, exactly. It’s in that range. But there’s a definite loss of power as it happens. Some vibrators do promise longer use time, however. I also find the charger finicky. Scoop is like a few vibrators that simply have a hole in the silicone that covers the port and makes the toy waterproof. The plug doesn’t always line up (you’ll know because the LED lights up), and it usually takes me two attempts to line it up. Not a huge deal, but a little annoying.
My next concern is one shared by many: what the hell is True Silicone™? If it’s actually silicone, how is it trademarked — and why? Many toy lovers and bloggers are tired of the gimmicks. Screaming O sent me a data sheet that showed at True Silicone had been tested by a lab, but I was still curious. So I lit it on fire or, rather, I tried. The Scoop passed the flame test without a mark. I just wish ScreamingO was more transparent.
Despite some of my qualms about the Scoop, I think it is a decent option, especially at under $50. It’s not perfect, and it takes a lot to get me off with the Scoop. I think this is mostly a shape issue, and I now wonder if perhaps the Moove might be a better toy for me shape-wise. At the very least, I would be open to trying other ScreamingO toys, so I think the company is headed in the right direction (if stumbling there).
Sex Q&A is aptly named because the format, other than a few asides, in-depth tutorials and quizzes, is simply question-and-answer. A quick Google of Anne Hooper shows that she has been a columnist for several outlets including Cosmo and the Daily Mail. Ms. Hooper’s introduction states that the questions in the book are based on the many questions she’s received as a columnist; although, some of them could very well be reprints. It does seem as though the questions in Sex Q&A are specifically worded to hit on a variety of sexuality subjects.
This book is split into eight chapters, each of which ends in a quiz that tests your knowledge and skills about the subject of that chapter: sex in relationships, questions men ask, questions women ask, sex when you’re single, spicing up your sex life, pregnancy and beyond, questioning your sexuality, and your sexual health.
As I mentioned, each chapter ends with a sort of skills test. It’s all very Cosmo, but I didn’t find it particularly revealing. In fact, I skipped right over the quizzes. Some people might find them entertaining or perhaps useful if they’re struggling with sex in their relationship or are less well versed in this subject than I am.
Most sections also have a “Case history” or two where Anne describes specific problems experienced by couples or individuals and how the general advice can specifically be applied. But some of these cases don’t show how the advice actually helped; they’re just Ms. Hooper describing what could help. Without proof of improvement, the advice can seem a little weak,
Although printed nearly 20 years ago, Sex Q&A manages to be ahead-of-its-time in some ways. It’s incredibly sex-positive, accepting of casual sex and masturbation, and pretty body-positive, too. It’s not homophobic, and Anne does a good job at answering questions about what is “normal.” She recommends a variety of sexual activities and doesn’t just focus on the man’s pleasure like so many sources. Anne also mentions science and theories about science that have only recently come across my radar. They certainly would have been new to be 17 years ago!
But Sex Q&A isn’t perfect. First, I would have liked a dedicated section on kink. Ms. Hooper does mention some kinky activities and related concepts such as contracts and negotiation, but she doesn’t explicitly introduce certain ideas or tools. For example, she casually mentioned caning during a section on impact play without discussing how many consider caning to be a more extreme form of impact play. I think she could have recommended a paddle or flogger that might have been more beginner-friendly, especially because the target audience of Sex Q&A doesn’t seem to be especially kinky.
Similarly, I would have liked to see more information on toy and lube safety as those two topics have come a long way since the early 2000s. Aside from recommending them in general and advising against using oils with condoms, Anne doesn’t include a lot of specifics. She does try to define a fewtypese of toys, but it doesn’t seem incredibly inclusive, and there’s so much more information to be had these days. One thing I note, in particular,r is how Ms. Hooper defines a clitoral stimulator only as a part of cock ring and not as a standalone toy.
Although it’s not homophobic, it certainly is cis-normative. The assumption is that men are having sex with women, and they’re cisgendered. I realize that there has been a lot of advancement in the last two decades, however. For the time, I’m sure those conservative attitudes were pretty contemporary. Sex Q&A is also dated. For example, more recent research has cast a shadow of doubt over the significance of testosterone on sex drive, and most people now consider the G-spot as part of the clitoris. These answers could use some clarification.
There are a few topics that were all the rage when this book was published but proved to be fads since then: penis piercings and autofellatio, among them. The distinct lack of information on the contraceptive sponge is also indicative of the time when this book was printed.
Despite being a bit dated, Sex Q&A is full of a lot of information. Because it runs the gamut, Sex Q&A is not ideal for everyone. But the generalized advice would be great as part of a sex ed library or perhaps for young adults and the sexually inexperienced.
Tell Me What You Want
$13.99 - $20.99
from Amazon
For the past year — or perhaps it’s closer to two — I’ve been a fan and follower of Psychology of Sex, a website run by PhD Justin Lehmiller. Dr. Lehmiller updates his website with news about recent sexuality research, provides insights into why humans have sex the way we do, and sheds light on older studies, too. If you’re interested in the science of sex but don’t want to read the studies yourself, Dr. Lehmiller does a fantastic job of getting to the point and presenting it in an accessible way.
His work is right up my alley if you couldn’t already tell. When I found out he was releasing a book this summer, I knew I had to read it. I was excited for him and just as excited when I realized I’d have a chance to review it, despite 2018 being a busy year for book reviews.
Dr. Lehmiller’s recently released book is Tell Me What You Want (subtitle: The Science of Sexual Desire and How It Can Help You Improve Your Sex Life). The book is based largely on a 4,000-person survey administered by Lehmiller to Americans about their sexual fantasies. Lehmiller uses his book as a vehicle to explain how common some sexual fantasies are — not to mention fantasizing in general — and to help the reader better fulfill their own desires.
Right from the beginning of the book, Lehmiller reveals results from his survey. The most popular American fantasies include BDSM and group sex scenarios but fewer celebrities than you might have imagined. The introduction whets the reader’s appetite for the numbers while reminding them that this research can be beneficial to their own sex lives. This is followed by a chapter that briefly defines a sexual fantasy and outlines the seven most common themes that Justin found in his survey.
The next chapter takes an in-depth look at those categories with multipartner sex, BDSM (including consensual nonconsent) and novelty/adventure being so common that he describes them as the three fantasies nearly everyone has. This long chapter continues with the four next-most common sexual fantasy themes: taboos (include voyeurism and exhibitionism), swinging/polyamory/partner sharing, intimacy, and homoeroticism and gender-bending.
Dr. Lehmiller relies on specific comments from people who took his survey to detail the scenarios that played out in their heads. For example, Dr. Lehmiller found that the people who had BDSM fantasies imagined scenarios in which care and consent were significant, not nonconsensual play (which would be abuse). This insight into how common these fantasies are as well as the details that are crucial for enjoyment is fascinating. He explains the different fetishes in a clear way so that readers can follow. I personally think it’s rather calming (although no one would describe me as sheltered or a prude). I think that readers who are not as well-versed in the topic of sexuality would take something out of this book.
I know that I followed intently as Dr. Lehmiller moved into a chapter that explained differences in fantasies between the genders. He touches on the greater range of sexual flexibility that most women exhibit as well as some biological differences between the sexes. Justin also makes a point to explain how societal influences can play out in our fantasies. Some of the sex differences were typical. Yes, women tend to have more passionate and romantic fantasies, but they also fantasize more often about BDSM while men more often fantasize about group sex. Women more often view themselves as a submissive in fantasies than men.
I found Dr. Lehmiller’s conclusions were interesting, too, pointing out that women may be more flexible in their fantasies than men and that women often view themselves as an object rather than a subject when fantasizing. He also explains how taboo fantasies may be more common in men because if their greater propensity toward compulsive sexual behavior. Finally, He’s quick to point out that while one sex may have certain fantasies more frequently, the opposite will frequently share those same fantasies.
Throughout the book, I found the results of this survey intriguing, but Lehmiller includes plenty of information from other sources and previous surveys to support his conclusions and sometimes to contrast the differing survey results. I have nearly 50 bookmarks added, many of which highlight his sources that I wish to examine in the future myself.
The next chapter provides the reader with 15 questions, each of which provides insight into their probably sexual fantasies. The list includes age, gender, sexual orientation, political affiliation, religiosity, sexual dysfunction, sexual assault victimhood, sexual compulsivity, relationship satisfaction, attachment style, “Type A” personalities, extroversion, compassion, stress coping, and self-esteem can also reveal a person’s likely fantasies. You get the feeling that if you revealed just a bit of yourself to Dr. Lehmiller, he could fill in the blanks and make some accurate assumptions about your fantasy proclivities.
I do think that this chapter seemed a bit out of place because the next two focus on who we fantasize about (frequently current or past lovers and celebrities such as Channing Tatum and ScarJo) and the settings of our fantasies (usually less common than activities and participants but still telling). I did find the analysis of how exposure to porn alters our desired fantasy partners (and own bodies) to be quite compelling; although, Lehmiller does not have an anti-porn stance. He simply highlights how it affects the way we view and engage in sex. The results and commentary about how people of different sexual orientations and races approach partners in their fantasies is also telling. It’s really the conclusions that Dr. Lehmiller was able to draw that painted a picture of our larger sexual conscious.
The last few chapters in the book focus on the personal, however, with Lehmiller providing guidance for the reader to express rather than repress their sexual fantasies. He provides advice for communicating fantasies to sexual partners as well as for when acting on those fantasies would not be advised. Dr. Lehmiller emphasizes that the some sexual fantasies are so common that partners may be share them… if they’re just able to talk about them.
In the following chapter, Lehmiller explains how those people who have been able to live out discuss fantasies were by and large able to act them out and enjoyed doing so; although, a few people were met with rejection outright and some did not attain the satisfaction that they expected from engaging in their fantasies. This chapter reads as a pragmatic guide to getting what you really want in bed.
As Lehmiller ends his book, he makes arguments for more comprehensive sex education in America (inspired partly by his trip earlier this year to the Netherlands), open communication about sex, and experimentation as a way to improve relationship satisfaction. Although Tell Me What You Want is about sexuality, the book includes many pieces of advice that would strengthen relationships. He reminds us that porn is not the problem (although it may be a symptom of one), that there is no perfect partner for any of us, and that sometimes our problems are difficult but can still be resolved.
The final chapter in this book reiterates Lehmiller’s calm and logical approach to understanding sexuality and improving sexual satisfaction, which is exemplified on nearly every page of Tell Me What You Want. It’s difficult to disagree with this.
Not only did I find the information in this book to be interesting and useful, but I found Dr. Lehmiller’s casual tone to be approachable and entertaining. Tell Me What You Want was enjoyable to read, never dry or judgmental. He navigates potentially controversial topics thoughtfully. Although I can imagine there are those who would bristle at the results of the fantasy survey — as well as the conclusions that could be drawn from them — Lehmiller takes care to avoid that as much as possible.
If I have one complaint about Tell Me What You Are, it’s that this survey isn’t a representative sample. However, Lehmiller makes it clear that these percentages refer to his sample and not the country or world at large. If he was interested in what I want, I would say that I would love to see the statistical breakdown for at least some of the data. Otherwise, Tell Me What You Want really sated my desire to look inside American’s bedrooms and brains.
And, yes, Dr. Lehmiller does make a reference to the Spice Girl’s song.
If you want to read Tell Me What You Want, you can buy the hardcover, softcover, or Kindle version on Amazon.
Some of you may not read as many educational books about sex as I do, so you may not realize that this year has been pretty active with releases (this does not actually include my last book review, Becoming Cliterate, which was released last year). It’s why I’ve been reading about sex non-stop for the past several months. It’s been a few years since this has been the case; although, the break from reading about astrophysics certainly was welcome.
Check out all my book reviews before you leave.
Even though Better Sex Through Mindfulness was just published a couple months ago and I was able to get my hands on a digital copy immediately, the author came across my radar last year. You see, Lori Brotto, a psychologist, is one of the women I wrote about in my post about women who study sex. Let me refresh with the description of her work because it leads us directly to the theme of Brotto’s book:
Lori Brotto has studied the disconnect that women often experience between mental and physical arousal. Brotto’s research suggests that the way that women multitask and tend to be detached from their bodies contributes to this. Brotto suggests mindfulness as one possible solution
So her work and research have led her to write a book directly about how mindfulness can help women overcome their sexual issues. Brotto is one of many who are adamant that the solution to low sexual desire cannot be fixed simply by a little pink pill (Emily Nagoski, who wrote the foreword, shares similar views). And while the tagline of this book focuses on desire. Better Sex Through Mindfulness goes beyond how mindfulness can be helpful with sex drive and focuses on topics such as heightening pleasure and reducing the impact from pain as well.
As a researcher, Brotto has worked with women to help them solve and alleviate the symptoms of their sexual issues, and she draws heavily from her own research when she makes conclusions in Better Sex Through Mindfulness. When she tells you that women have increased sex drive as well as pleasure from sex due to a something as small as mindfulness, you believe her and wonder if we’ve been treating sexual complications wrong all along. At one point, Brotto mentions how “mood, sense of well-being, body image, self-esteem, and how a woman feels about her partner turned out to be far stronger predictors of her level of sexual desire than a single hormone,” which really drives this point home (later she highlights how opinions about sexuality can also be more significant than hormones). Not only may some treatment options for sexual dysfunction be misguided, but the focus of hormones as cause and treatment for sexual dysfunction after menopause may also overestimate the function of hormones in sexual function.
But let me back up because by calling mindfulness ‘small,’ I am being quite reductionist. Really, mindfulness can be life-changing, and Dr. Brotto takes time to explore the definition and use of mindfulness as well as its history (the word wasn’t using when Masters and Johnson were teaching about sex, for example, but their sensate practices were certainly mindful!). She compares and contrasts mindfulness with cognitive behavioral therapy, with which I was familiar from my own experiences.
Furthermore, mindfulness can be difficult for some people, and Dr. Brotto emphasizes that willingness to try and practice mindfulness as key to its effectiveness. As someone who has struggled with meditation and mindfulness in the past, I think this is especially pertinent. It struck me that getting help to master mindfulness might be the catalyst to success in people who similarly struggle. Indeed, Dr. Brotto points out how trying to force yourself to relax is a misunderstanding of mindfulness and can be counterproductive.
Brotto often points to others’ research as well. In her book, she talks about studies that have highlighted differences in the brains of women who have healthy versus low sexual desire. One difference may be smaller amounts of grey matter in the brains of women who have low sexual desire. Brotto explains how women with low sexual desire spend more time monitoring their sexual performances rather than enjoying sex — and research backs it up!
Better Sex Through Mindfulness isn’t all about the argument that mindfulness can be helpful, however. Scattered through the books are practices that readers can use to (try to) improve their own sex lives. Admittedly, I am not currently struggling with sexual issues, but I found the reminder to be mindful during my everyday life useful. Of course, this book also offered something to sate my appetite for sexual science. Of particular note was how mindfulness can assist women who suffer from pain during sex due to various conditions. While mindfulness does not lessen the pain (and in some instances, medical professionals are not sure how to do this), it does enable women to enjoy sex and intimacy by reducing the intensity of their perception of pain and by encouraging a wider variety of intimacy.
I also highlighted a blurb regarding how sexual concordance differs between men and women. Women experience a lower level of +.26 than men’s level of +.66 (with 1.0 being perfect concordance between mental and physical arousal). This book was full of interesting tidbits like that.
In Better Sex Through Mindfulness, Brotto makes the case for her mindfulness programs by revealing the results of surveys filled out by the participants. She states that “sexual satisfaction increases by 60 percent” from prior to the program. She also illustrates how learning mindfulness can equate to long-term sexual improvement and not just improvement in the present. Even women who were dubious about the effects of mindfulness found it to be helpful. Certain groups of women (those who were the most distresses prior) even benefited the most.
In the end, Dr. Brotto’s book shows that not only is there hope when it comes to sexual dysfunctions such as low desire or pain but that the solution might be easier and more accessible than people realize, all without needing pharmaceutical intervention. Although geared toward women, I can imagine men would benefit from this book, too.
Better Sex Through Mindfulness ends with an appendix full of resources, either for women to get help to improve sexual function. This book is ideal for any woman (or man) who wants to get more out of her sex life, but some professionals might also benefit from reading it and incorporating mindfulness into their treatment and coping strategies.
If you think you might benefit, you can buy it at any number of retailers. A hard copy might be especially useful for partaking in activities, but I usually prefer Kindle versions for highlighting and taking notes. Get the digital version for less than $10. It’s only a couple bucks more for physical!
BENEBRIGHT
€129..99
from beneLIGNI
Today’s product for review by supplied to me by Unbound Babes, a formerly box-only retailer that landed on my retailer about a year ago. They no longer sell the beneLIGNI BENEBRIGHT, but I wanted to give them a shoutout for being innovative, advocating for equality and sending out the single most entertaining newsletter that I have ever had the pleasure to receive.
Unbound still has subscription options, but you can also shop directly from them. The stock is small because it’s a curated collection and one that I think it worth checking out. The folks at Unbound have been hard at work at producing their own brand, too. Not all items are luxury, but they’re generally high-quality. So it’s no surprise that the beneLIGNI BENEBRIGHT did make an appearance on their site.
It has been years since I used a wooden dildo. I lusted over one before I was able to acquire one, I believe through a giveaway: the NobEssense fling. I was so excited to use it, but then.. I didn’t like it. I never wrote about it here; although, I did post a review on EF that I am loathed to link. So I’ll just give you the highlights.
The Fling had a very narrow neck and a head and base that curved in different directions, not uncommon for toys by that brand. Because of where my pubic bone sits, this made using the toy very uncomfortable.
While I do not think that I have especially large fingers, the finger holes in the handle were too small to be useful. I wound up having to hold the toy around the base. This in itself isn’t a deal-breaker but finger holes in toys are almost always too small for me, a ciswoman, to use as intended (never mind that finger holes are almost always positioned differently from how I hold my hand during use). Considering how rigid this material is, there’s no give there.
I am not sure what I expected when it came to how wood would feel, but I was not immediately a fan. It’s both inflexible and light, and the result was a toy that felt hollow. I know that it wasn’t, but it felt weightless and empty. I felt empty. The lack of weight to guide during use resulted in a lackluster experience. But that’s putting it lightly. The way the Fling felt was distasteful. I felt nearly offended. It was such an emotional reaction to an inanimate object. I felt cold because it left me feeling that way, a feeling that is unusual considering that wood normally has such a warmth.
You can see why it took me so long to get around to trying another wooden toy, but I am glad that I did.
beneLIGNI is a European company, and the name translates to “good tree.” They sell themselves as a company that doesn’t use plastics, and this is true right down to their packaging. They make a line of attractive dildos including some that would work well as anal toys.
I received the BENEBRIGHT made from “nut” wood. I am not sure which nut but am inclined to wonder if it’s nut as the description says the wood exists in North America, Europe, and Asia, but I am no wood expect. The dildo is also available in olive, cherry, mahogany, and maple, all of which are quadruple sealed. I actually would not have chosen nut as the material of choice. I am a bigger fan of mahogany and darker woods. Nevertheless, the lighter color lets the wood grain (“even to wild grain”) shine through nicely.
Other than that, the appearance of the BENEBRIGHT is not particularly interesting, especially compared to some of the companies other dildos or even those by NobEssence. The dildo has a gentle curve with one side more tapered than the other. The narrower end has a midrange diameter of 1.4 inches while the thicker end is just under 1.7 inches wide. Both are usable as is the case with most of the toys made by beneLIGNI The toy is neither notably large or small. beneLIGNI has a comparison chart of toy sizes on their site, and this dildo falls pretty much in the middle lengthwise as 81/4 inches long.
There are some important ways that the BENEBRIGHT stands out, however. First, I was floored by the presentation. The box comes wrapped in a brown paper, tied with twine, and sealed with wax. My longtime readers know that I am not swayed by packaging, much of which winds up in the trash, but the wax seal was such a unique touch that I had to comment on it.
The box that BENEBRIGHT comes in is actually recyclable because it’s made from cardboard and matches their plastic-free ethos. Fitting. The layers remind me of paper mache. There is no storage pouch, but unless you plan on storing your dildo with sharp objects, this should be no issue.
The BENEBRIGHT has virtually no learning curve. I started with the tapered end because it seemed like a better fit. I used a nice dose of lube as it seems to spread out more on wooden toys. Insertion is was easy due to the tapered design, and handling was stress-free. There were no awkward finger holes that I had to avoid (a couple beneLIGNI toys have a knobby base that I bet would work awesomely), and the gentle curve of the dildo placed the other end comfortably within reach. Although, I can see it becoming slippery if your hands are full of lube.
This dildo didn’t change my life, but it did help sway my mind regarding wood. It might be that a different wood feels different in terms of density and hardness. Or it may simply be that BENEBRIGHT was easier to use than the Fling or even that my body’s preferences have adapted. Either way, I certainly don’t mind this one. But it’s one of those toys that stimulate my G-spot without necessarily being pleasurable. I wouldn’t reach for it first.
Since my initial use, I have used the larger end of this dildo for penetration, too. It’s not my preferred way of using it. The small end works for a handle while the larger end is more impressive at filling you. It just doesn’t really do anything for me.
My experience with BENEBRIGHT is a step in the right direction, however. I’m willing to experiment with it more to see if something improves my experience. And I’m certainly going to consider more beneLIGNI toys in the future. There are some intriguing designs for sure.
Although you can no longer get BENEBRIGHT from Unbound, you can buy it directly from beneLIGNI. Note that different woods have different costs. This dildo costs the least in maple (approximately $105) while the nut model is just over $150.
And if you don’t find what you like on their site, don’t forget to check out the toys for sale at Unbound Babes.
Becoming Cliterate
$11.99
from Amazon
Becoming Cliterate is a book that I read a while back and intended to get around to reviewing much before now. Arg. But here I am, with my thoughts on the book that was graciously provided to me by the author herself to review.
So, who wrote Becoming Cliterate? Laurie Mintz is a Ph.D. author and therapist who is also a professor at the University of Florida. She’s about as qualified as they come to write this book, and the only reason she didn’t wind up on my post dedicated to the women of sexology is that I didn’t discover her until just after I posted it. Had I known of her and Becoming Cliterate, I certainly would have wanted to include her on that list.
The subtitle of Becoming Cliterate explains exactly what the book is about: Why Orgasm Equality Matters — And How To Get It. Dr. Mintz wants to crush that orgasm gap and bring more pleasure to women. To do so, we’ve got to think about sex differently as the description explains.
We’ve been thinking about sex all wrong. Mainstream media, movies, and porn have taught us that sex = penis + vagina, and everything else is just secondary. Standard penetration is how men most reliably achieve orgasm. The problem is, women don’t orgasm this way. We’ve separated our most reliable route to orgasm—clitoral stimulation—from how we feel we should orgasm—penetration. As a result, we’ve created a pleasure gap between women and men.
I cannot say that I argue just reading thus far. In fact, these are some of the very same things that I try to teach my readers, so I was excited to see how Dr. Mintz tackles the issue in Becoming Cliterate. I frequently found myself nodding along as Dr. Mintz explained how many women require clitoral stimulation and that our traditional idea of sex misses the mark. I followed as she explained female anatomy, a subject I’ve even written on myself, felt fire rising within as Dr. Mintz discussed our difficult and shame recognizing female sexuality, and nodded approval when she provided suggested “Scripts” for sexual encounters that would leave both partners orgasmic and ecstatic (these three sections make up the bulk of the book).
I also found myself surprised at the new information that I gleaned from this book (a response that seems pretty common in anyone who has learned something from the good doctor!). I’ve read many books that I am more apt to recommend to people who are less familiar with sex than I am. I’ve seen a lot of repeated information, and, sure, there is some of that in Becoming Cliterate. But I was still pleasantly surprised while reading Becoming Cliterate. Bits of new-to-me information include:
Dr. Mintz really did her work, and this was especially apparent when she discusses searching for information about the clitoris and where/how it attaches to the inner lips. Dr. Mintz reports sources that state it attaches in one, two or either one or two spaces. In her search for the truth, Dr. Mintz even wound up contacting them, and one source updated their information. I suppose what I am saying is that even if you think you might know it all already, you don’t (neither I nor a so-called expert did!), and Becoming Cliterate might be a good resource.
While I learned a lot from Becoming Cliterate, one of Dr. Mintz’s main goals is to change the way we think about sex, a manner of thinking that leads to orgasm and pleasure disparities and pain or worse at worst. She touches on how we define sex, casual sex, and masturbation. After setting the groundwork for thinking about sex in a healthy way, Dr. Mintz proceeds to tell the reader how to actually change their actions to follow. She writes as though she’s directing a play with options for the plot; although, she precedes the four play options with “Act 1,” which can be a bit confusing.
Dr. Mintz follows this with a crucial chapter about communication, which can help readers discuss their needs for orgasm with their partners and to have better sex in general. She makes arguments against faking it, for scheduling/orchestrating sex and asking for what you need. In short, Dr. Mintz talks the real talk that will help readers have realistic sex that provides the pleasure they seek.
Her real talk continues as she closes the section of the book for female readers and segues into more practical advice for their partners. As you can tell, I feel pretty good about recommending Becoming Cliterate as it wrapped up.
Now, I have seen complaints that Becoming Cliterate does not talk about G-spot pleasure, but I do not think this is a valid critique, at least not the way that I saw it. I am not sure what readers expect: it’s right there in the name. Furthermore, Dr. Mintz explains early and frequently that both published surveys and her own experience show that most women need clitoral stimulation to achieve orgasm, including a portion of women who prefer clitoral and vaginal stimulation simultaneously to get off. The book also challenges the idea that vaginal orgasms are better in any way, so this angle is not only to be expected but completely understandable!
At best, this complaint stands only because Dr. Mintz could have used the opportunity to explain how the G-spot is simply the internal portion of the clitoris and that orgasms achieved through G-spot stimulation are just another type of clitoral orgasm.
In fact, if I have a criticism of Becoming Cliterate, it’s that the focus is on orgasm (Dr. Mintz says at one point that “quality sex means orgasm equality”) when we all know very much that is it not the only vehicle of pleasure and sometimes focusing on orgasm as a means to pleasure can be shooting yourself in the foot. To be fair. Dr. Mintz does touch on this, explaining that she wants to close the orgasm gap while recognizing the very point I just made. I understand that this may be the only way you can write a book like Becoming Cliterate. But her point comes near the end of the book where attention may have waned and after people may have already gotten the wrong idea. I would simply like to see her reiterate it toward the beginning while keeping the notes toward the end just to ensure that readers understand that this emphasis doesn’t intend to exclude non-orgasm-based pleasure.
But my critiques are few and far between. Dr. Mintz wrote a book that’s approachable and easily digested. It’s not intimidating. Dr. Mintz is personable and, at times, funny. She includes a chapter for (male) partners to read to increase their own cliteracy and help their female partners become more orgasmic. Although the focus is on heterosexual partners, Becoming Cliterate doesn’t exclude any other pairing.
Perhaps best of all is that the advice in this book is both actionable and fun. I’ve read books that erred too far on the “fun” side, resulting in a loss of information. I’ve also read books that were informative but lacked ways for readers to incorporate that information into their lives. With Becoming Cliterate, I think Dr. Laurie Mintz succeeds at both, and I feel confident in recommending this books to my readers.
Get it now on Amazon for your Kindle in hardcover or in the newly-released paperback version!
Real Nude Helio Silicone Suction Cup Dildo
$38.99
from SheVibe
If you’ve been around a while, you probably know that silicone dildos are really hit or miss with me. Few have stolen my heart, and the ones that have done so in a big way.
I feel a bit like Goldilocks when it comes down to it. While velvety textures work well for vibrators, I am not as enthused about them for my dildos. So, too, have I enjoyed large vibrators, but I wasn’t sold by Tantus’ Goliath. Speaking of that dildo, the silicone was nearly rigid, something I like in glass, but apparently not in silicone. It wasn’t until I tried VixSkin that I really fell in love with silicone – and then had my heart broken when I accidentally used silicone lube with my Spur and ruined it.
One of the more recent silicone dildos to earn my whole-hearted (whole-vagina’ed?) approval was the Unicorn Horn Dildo by Split Peaches, which comes in both iridescent white and two Pride-appropriate rainbows. Several years before then, I appreciated the Tantus Faerie; although, I rarely use it.
So it was about time for me to try a new dildo, and the Real Nude Helio Silicone Suction Cup Dildo is it. SheVibe sent me this dildo to review, and I must admit that I am behind the times. I hadn’t realized how many companies were making dual-density dildos, which I seem to enjoy more than traditional single-density silicone. Nor did I realize that Ducky Doolittle had joined the company, a large part of their overall improvement, I am sure.
So you have dual-density silicone in fun and realistic designs with fanciful colors. Sounds like a good deal, right? And I do like several things about the Real Nude Helio]. First, the dual-density silicone is the shiny type (yup, it’s going to attract any hair, fur or piece of lint within arm’s length) with a squishy outer layer. To be honest, I think the core is softer than other dual-density, but it still manages a steady thrust. If, however, you’re the type who uses your dildos more vigorously, then the Helio might not cut it for you.
Helio has some serious give
I enjoyed the squish and think I could take a larger toy in diameter than the Helio because of it. It’s only [measurements], so it doesn’t seem intimidating. A good middle-of-the-road dildo.
I am hesitant to recommend it as a G-spotter because while I was able to achieve some G-spot stimulation, mine is quite easily reached and it was the pressure from insertion more than the size or angle that helped me do so. Helio does have a very slight curve of the shaft as well as a contoured head, but I am not sure that the design of these two makes that much sense. You see, if you insert this dildo so that the curve is facing your G-spot or P-spot, the contoured head is not. You’re making contact with the smoother side. For someone who requires that hook or bulb to get the job done, Helio is probably not going to be the right toy.
There is another perk, however, as you can see in you see in my photos. It does have a suction cup base, so you can stick it on our shower wall or even a window to use as you see fit. It’s not a feature that I make much use of other than for taking photos, but I know some of my readers will like it.
Overall, my opinion of the Real Nude Helio Dildo is hotter than lukewarm. I think it feels nice, but the shape isn’t as specialized for G-spot stimulation as I or many of my readers might prefer. A more curved shaft and a head that contours to stimulate your G-spot would make more sense. Otherwise, I think a larger shaft might make this a winner for someone who fancies themselves a size king/queen.
My first impressions with blush’s real nude line were enticing enough that I would try another in the line, and I’ll certainly keep my eye out for pieces in the line that have more interesting shapes. But it’ll take more than what Real Nude offers to dethrone my favorite VixSkin toys. But at less than $40, they’re not really in competition.
