It’s been a while since I’ve written something other than a review or personal experience on here. It’s been a while since I’ve felt so passionate about something that I felt like I should write it, even if someone else had already written about it or, even worse, written about it better. But here it is.
The Number of Orgasms Doesn’t Count
Read it a second time. Maybe in italic.
The Number of Orgasms Doesn’t Count
Orgasms are, generally, good. For more heterosexual sex, the man’s orgasm indicates the end of a session. The ability to finally attain orgasm is a big deal for many people, especially women. I understand. I like having orgasms. I wouldn’t last long in a sexual relationship with a person who didn’t care whether I was having any orgasms or who left them completely up to me without any (oral) assistance.
But, and this is a big but, sex shouldn’t necessarily lead to orgasm. That is, orgasm shouldn’t be the only goal. When you’re focused on getting off, your sex can become mechanical. Your eye is on the finish line, and you miss out on the journey. Now, this doesn’t always happen, but I frequently find that if you focus on enjoying the moment and feeling good over where you’re going, you’ll feel like your time’s well spent, even if you don’t get off.
Furthermore, focusing on achieving orgasm is the very thing that makes some people unable to orgasm. I notice that when I sufficiently distract my mind, I get off quicker and better.
I have literally had sex where I’ve had multiple orgasms, and it was unenjoyable overall. I’ve also had sex where I just didn’t manage to orgasm, but it was pretty much amazing. It felt more toe-curling, tear-inducing and intimate than sex where I achieved orgasm multiple times. I think, for some people, this doesn’t compute. They associate orgasms with pleasure. The more orgasms, the greater the pleasure except..
It’s just not true.
You can still feel pleasure without orgasm. Sex can be intimate. It can be rough. It can be carnal. It can teach you about yourself or your partner. It can just be a fun time — and all without orgasm.
And if either you or your partner is having difficulty achieving orgasm, the added pressure may just not be worth it.
Maybe someone will read this and something will click. Maybe they’ll stop pressuring their partner to cum or blaming themselves for their inability to bring their partner to orgasm an arbitrary number of times. Perhaps someone who has felt guilty over their inability to orgasm. Maybe you’ll let go long enough to just enjoy the moment. Because there are so many moments to enjoy and so many ways to enjoy them. Orgasm is not the only way.
You’ve made some very valid points here, great piece. I’ve definitely put unnecessary pressure on myself to orgasm or orgasm faster before, & it only leads to frustration.
And speaking of numbers, once I had an idea that I would count my orgasms for awhile. It was completely pointless. I found out quickly that I can’t really quantify my pleasure.
For me, one long, intense orgasm is much different than a quick one, and orgasms from masturbating are different than ones with partners. They aren’t equal or countable.
xxPenny
I am all about quality over quantity!
I totally know what you mean here. That’s one of the things I really like about having a long-term relationship; we don’t feel too much pressure to cum. It’s partially because we’ve communicated about it and partially because we’ve had sex with no or few orgasms before and we both have a great time every time.
As the pressure to perform via orgasming decreased over time, it became easier for both of us to actually achieve orgasm.
Your last point is dead on!
I totally think that makes sense, but I still am so eager to have my first orgasm. Most friends assume I’ve had one because I am incredibly sexual, but I’ve not yet had a partner that could help me with it and I still haven’t figured out much about myself like that. Being a transman makes it even harder because I feel I should have a penis instead.
I can imagine how that would be frustrating, and I recall feeling similar feelings before I had my first, too. I hope you achieve orgasm but I also hope you don’t forget to enjoy yourself in the process!
Denis Leary had a routine about that years ago: “sex is supposed to be about tenderness, and we’ve turned it into the Orgasm Cup.” Valid point, for sure!
I am a really lucky girl when it comes to orgasms – as long as I have the right stimuli I come very easily. I like to enjoy the journey and I’ve found that over the last few years the intensity of my orgasms has increased due to me prolonging the teasing. I once watched a documentary about sex from the female perspective and they interviewed a lady in her 50s or 60s who had her first orgasm very late in her life with a man she had an affair with. I remember feeling sorry for her and women who’ve never experienced an orgasm in their life in general, but now I think that as long as the person is satisfied with their sex life, I don’t have the right to pronounce their experiences less satisfactory than mine. It’s just that that woman’s self image was affected in such a negative way because of her inability to orgasm, it made me feel so blessed to not have that “problem”.
Thank you! This is an important thing to talk about. It took some doing to convince my partner that I can thoroughly enjoy sex even if I don’t orgasm. In fact, sometimes it gets to the point (tired, out of breath, raw) where if I were to keep going to try to orgasm, it would no longer be enjoyable. That doesn’t mean the “session” was a failure!! Also it is so SO true that the stress and pressure of “trying to get there” can make it harder to orgasm, turning the task into a chore, and that’s no good!
I came back to this post looking for a favorite and found it! A lot of sex seems to be focused on orgasms today, a past partners have been like that, so I really appreciate your post