It Ends Now

February 27th, 2010

I don’t know when or even why it happened but I do know that, somewhere along the line, I became power hungry and not even in a power exchange sort of way. I became obsessed with having power even though the drive usually had unwanted results and was detrimental to my relationships. It’s not just romantic relationships about which I speak. It’s grown into such a habit that I find myself looking for ways to control people and situations even if I know it will only send me two steps back. I become so focused on power in the present that I forget what matters in the long run and it is most certainly not that sort of power.

The friend with whom I am currently staying suggested I am building walls to prevent myself from being hurt but I know that is not the case. I am not changing how I act because of the current situation; I am only keeping up the behaviour I have been doing for some time regardless of the fact that it has never helped. If gaining the upper hand didn’t help me then, it certainly won’t help me now.

A family member of mine recently told me that there is no room for power in a relationship; we should simply focus on the fact that we love our partners. It was a simple piece of advice but one I think I needed to hear and still need to hear. The momentary satisfaction I may gain from having power is not nearly comparable to the satisfaction I could gain from learning to relinquish power to preserve my marriage (although, that is far from the only thing I need to do).

I suppose I have come to the conclusion while power is appealing and certainly healthy in some situations, my current situation is simply not one of those.

So, I leave myself with these words of wisdom:

Where love rules, there is no will to power; and where power predominates, there love is lacking. The one is the shadow of the other.

Carl Jung


I Write Stuff

February 24th, 2010

on EdenCafe. Most recently, I have been writing posts in my “column” – The Hard Way, which discusses how I’ve learned things.. the hard way: The Sensitive Guy, Did You Know I Eloped? and My Exes. I have attempted to share some of my personal experiences, honestly but without being entirely depressing (although my current trials make it difficult). I will be switching things up next week, however. Are you intrigued?


Kissable ice cream – strawberry

February 24th, 2010

At first, I confused California Fantasies with California Exotics but it’s a lesser known manufacturer which made the Kissable Ice Creme in strawberry which I had a chance to try. This cream is really a multitasker which promises to cool and lubricate while allowing your partner to taste its flavour when he or she goes to town on you. This product does succeed in a lot of ways, I am happy to say and the 2oz squeeze tube is pretty sizeable. It reminds me of a hand cream tube and there is a lot more product than any other sensitizing product I’ve tried.

Let me start by saying that this is not a lubricant. It’s a thicker cream which will quickly rub into the skin and while the taste remains, it has virtually no lubricating properties. It may moisturize but my vagina doesn’t really need that, I don’t think. Plus, the ingredients list contains both alcohol and sugars which can cause irritation for some which leads me to believe that this product would better be labelled as a sensitizing cream than a lubricating one.

The ingredients, as listed on the tube are:

  • de-ionized water
  • caprylic/capric triglyceride
  • octyldodecanol
  • glyceryl stearate
  • PEG 100 stearate
  • Emulsifying Wax
  • polydimethyl siloxane
  • decamethyl cyclopentasiloxane
  • cetyl alcohol
  • tricethanolamine
  • glycerin
  • sodium benzoate
  • diazolidinyl urea
  • potassium sorbate
  • polysorbate 20
  • hydrogenated collagen
  • methylethyl cyclohexyl
  • propanediol
  • flavor
  • carbomer
  • disodium EDTA
  • sodium PCA
  • Sodium Saccharine

It’s a long list and was painful to type up. While some of the ingredients I recognize, I wouldn’t mind if there were simply less and if there were fewer salts and sugars to boot. While cooling products usually contain some sort of menthol as the active ingredient, I am not sure what it is in the Kissable Ice Creme that makes it work.

As a sensitizing cream, Kissable Ice Creme passes with flying colours. It feels cool immediately and grows slightly cooler but not so much that it makes me uncomfortable like other cooling products I’ve used. It doesn’t quite tingle but I can feel the area to which it is applied growing more sensitive. This is a positive attribute when used on the clitoris but I would like to remind you that this product is also intended to be kissable which means your mouth, including lips and tongue, will become extra sensitive, too. Depending on your personal preferences, this may not be a positive thing. I find it a bit interesting but not necessarily distracting. I did not experience any amazingly powerful or easier orgasms while using this cream but my awareness was definitely heightened.

The Kissable Ice Cream is flavoured and scented. It’s definitely sweet and more of the unnatural strawberry “flavour” as opposed to tasting like real strawberries. The taste will grow weaker as it is licked away (although, the thick cream does stay in place well) and it does seem to have a bit of a sugary aftertaste. It’s not horrible but it is a little.. different. Fluids and a person’s natural taste may alter the sensation, of course. The scent is very sweet as well and gives you a good indication of how it will taste.

It does remove cleanly with licking or washing without leaving residue and even when it’s on your fingers, it feels creamy and soft without being greasy. Because it is thick, it stays where you put it and you do not have to worry about it dripping on your linens or carpet but, as it is water based, I do not think it would stain anyway.

In fact, since I bought it to use as a sensitizing cream and not a lubricant, I can’t really say that are a lot of strong negatives about the Kissable Ice Creme from California Fantasies. It does what it says in a noticeable but not overpowering way and I like that it does not smell or taste like mint because I am not a fan. Not everyone will love the taste (although there are also Cola and Colada flavours available) but I found it to be decent in the limited quantities I’d be using for play time anyway. I would like to see an ingredients list which isn’t quite so terrifying but I haven’t experienced any adverse reactions and do not intend to use it internally so I am really pretty satisfied with the Strawberry Kissable Ice Cream.

1 Comment


February 22nd, 2010

Sex, I want it. And I can’t have it. Which makes me want it even more. I see it in movies, on TV and read about it in books. It seems like everyone is having it. Everyone but me, of course. I think about my husband (who will hopefully remain my husband). I think about our sex and my body springs to life but no relief is available.

I remember his movements, his sounds, the feel of his touch and his body against mine. My real life becomes my fantasy and I long for the past. I do not simply want sex. I want sex with him. I want the sex I remember and, yes, the sex about which I all-too-often took a passive attitude in the past.

The past? Has it really been that long. Only a few short weeks. Yet, it feels like forever. It feels like a lifetime ago even though I know, logically, it has not been. But it has been too long and every day my desire grows. It is though I have never yearned for him as I do now or perhaps it is simply how I yearn for him because I have certainly wanted (but not been able to have) sex with him before. Before, sex was always an option in the future (albeit, not always the near future) but that is not the case now.

Regardless of how things turn out, I imagine he will be the object of my fantasies as long as I fantasize and as long as I cannot have him, I will certainly have to to survive.


Intimate Accessories Antibacterial Sex Toy Cleaner

February 18th, 2010

I’ve used a few toys cleaners, both sprays and wipes. My experience is that most of them are just okay, useful to have while they’re around but not something I’d rush to replace when it runs out. More often than not, I forget about these cleaners and revert to soap and water before the bottle is empty. Thus, I’ve several bottles at home and a half-used packet of wipes. As this realization sunk in when another bottle arrived in the mail, I offered one of those bottles to a friend. After all, how am I ever going to use them all myself? But because another bottle did arrive in the mail, I offer this review to you.

TabuToys offers Antibacterial Sex Toy Cleaner, a spray on cleaner in Dr Berman’s line of Intimate Accessories. The 6.28 FL oz bottle is clear, as is the cleaner itself, and is labeled with the familiar purple logo of Dr Berman’s toys. It’s easily recognizable for me but, at a distance or to someone who does not know better, it could pass as some random cosmetic bottle (although what would come in a squat bottle like this, I have no idea). The pump top itself is also purple (but not the same purple which I find slightly irksome LOL) and comes with a plastic cap, which makes it slightly more travel friendly. I didn’t bother to put it in a ziploc in my luggage and the cap stayed on the entire time. I’m sure the cap would loosen a bit with subsequent uses, as is usually the case.

The ingredients of Intimate Accessories Antibacterial Sex Toy Cleaner are listed in a rather tiny print and I immediately recognized Triclosan as (one of) the working ingredients. It’s common in many sex toy cleaners and some anti-bacterial soaps as well; although, there is a bit of controversy over it so if you’re anti-Triclosan, I’d stay away from this product.

The entire ingredient list as follows:

  • Deionized Water
  • Sodium C14-16 Olefin Sulfonate
  • Disodium Lauroamphodiacetate (and) Sodium Trideceth Sulfate
  • Cocamidopropyl Betaine
  • Propylene Glycol
  • Triclosan
  • Citric Acid
  • Methychloroisothiazolinone (and) Methylisothiazolinone
  • Tetrasodium EDTA

Some of the ingredients are pretty common as far as cleaners go and most of them are more than a mouthful. Folks who prefer shorter ingredient lists or have specific chemical allergies/irritations should defnitely give the list a once over before purchasing. Other cleaners also include ingredients like Aloe or Vitamin E to make them soothing or conditioning so this cleaner is perhaps a bit more “basic”.

Curiously enough, the ingredients list is exactly the same as that of CEN’s (California Exotics produces the Berman line of accessories) Anti-Bacterial Toy Cleaner which comes in a smaller 4.3 FL oz bottle with darker purple writing on it so if you’ve tried it and are looking for something else, this is not it. However, the “regular” version, which is also available from TabuToys is not quite the value in terms of price. If you do not have a need for the smaller bottle, I’d go for the Berman Antibacterial Sex Toy Cleaner, instead. This value difference is about the same on most sites, with the regular cleaner costing more per fl. oz than Intimate Accessories Antibacterial Sex Toy Cleaner. you’d think that adding a celebrity/doctor endorsement would make them make up the price even more.

All these ingredients combine to produce a clear, thin liquid which is easily squirted form the pump bottle onto any toy. However, the bottle gives no indication as to whether this product should be wiped or rinsed off, used as a soap or simply let to dry which is definitely nice to know. Although I frequently rinse any toys which tend to collect fuzzies, I tend to do a dry wipe with a cloth or tissue on the smooth surfaced toys which do not require special attention. But whether or not it’s really clean or safe to use is a mystery. Different online reviews suggest keeping it on for 2 minutes – which is way longer than I would naturally think to leave it on – but I could find nothing on the Berman Center websites to back it up. Your call, I guess.

The spray comes out in a fine mist which covers a wide area and it only takes a few pumps to cover an entire toy. There seems to be a slightly medicinal scent but I have to be honest; my nose is incredibly stuffed up and there’s no one I can ask to smell my sex toy cleaner to confirm. LOL! Because the target area is so broad, I’d maybe spray over a toy or just be sure not to spray in the direction of anything or anyone which you don’t want coated with the Intimate Accessories Antibacterial Sex Toy Cleaner. Despite attempting to do this, my cat ran directly into the line of fire as soon as I sprayed the cleaner, of course.

Fast forward two minutes (your choice) and it can be rinsed off (as some reviews suggest), taking any debris with it. If you choose to simply wipe it off, debris will be more of an issue but that is the case with any spray toy cleaner. Because I’d rather be safe than sorry, I opt to rinse it off and this makes it a less useful product to me than one which I know I can use without rinsing/wiping (or even directly on the skin) which is the case with both the Afterglow Wipes and Pjur “Med-Clean” Spray. For all I know, the intent was for this product to be used without rinsing but the total lack of instructions is off putting to me. I’m sure some people use it without rinsing at all and experience no adverse effects but I like to know exactly what I’m getting and how to use a product. Unfortunately, the “regular” cleaner by CEN also fails to list instructions for use which is exactly why I won’t be buying either from them in the future.


The Sexually Dominant Woman

February 10th, 2010

The Sexually Dominant Woman is a very basic guide to femdom by Lady Green, a pen name for Janet Hardy who has written and co-written several other BDSM books including The (New) Topping Book and The New Bottoming Book. Immediately, I was much more comfortable with Lady Green’s tone and approach; although, I found The Sexually Dominant Woman to be just a bit too basic.

Lady green uses a very friendly and approachable tone unlike the one used in The Mistress Manual. She does not appear to be preaching at you in role, which I appreciate. However, one of the downfalls of this tone is that Lady Green sometimes comes off as less professional than she could which can make the reader just whether or not we should be taking her advice. The large, un-standard font face used in the book also lends to this feel. I would prefer something that looks just a bit more “proper.” But this would mean The Sexually Dominant Woman would be much smaller in appearance. Indeed, much of the information has been covered on the internet in various communities and on many websites. It’s good to have all the information in one place but I think the Sexually Dominant Woman would almost be better as a PDF “book” than a printed book.

The Sexually Dominant Woman is subtitled as “A Workbook for Nervous Beginners” and much of it has a workbook feel. It could potentially be useful were it kept on hand during scenes (although, that could also detract from the scene itself). This guide is light enough reading that it could be used as suggested reading for partners, too, without overwhelming them.

This guide begins with a checklist to gauge a person’s interest in female domination and there are frequent black and white sketches included. Some of these illustrate tools or positions while others are just complimentary to the text. They are all amateur in composition and none of them are really appealing. This book would come off much classier with higher quality art.

What follows is a chapter defining sexual dominant in which Lady Green splits BDSM into several aspects including helplessness (bondage), roles and sensation. The next dedicates a chapter to each where she outlines tools, positions, tips and more. “Winding Down” discusses knowing when the session is/should be finished and she dedicates a few pages toward the feelings which may come after a scene and what they can mean. Through out the entire book, it feels as though the author is only suggesting things and there is a feeling that the reader can and should tailor the advice to be a better fit for her specific situation. Although The Sexually Dominant Female is intended for female dominants and male subs, there is a note in the beginning that recognizes that many women play with women and that most of the content can be altered for the purpose. I would have to agree that this book is more neutral toward the submissive’s gender because it does not play on the yin and yang of gendered Dominance and submission like the Mistress Manual. It also makes it that much more pleasant to read.

The chapters are all short, no more than a few pages each. As you can guess, The Sexually Dominant Woman does not go into extreme depth about any one topic but gives a brief and consistent introduction to each subject tackled within its pages. It is not a book I would solely rely on ever and I would encourage people to read other material along with The Sexually Dominant Woman. My suggestion? SM 101 is great but I will definitely pick up The New Topping Book after this. I especially suggest SM101 because it tackles many issues regarding safety and BDSM, an area which is a bit lacking in The Sexually Dominant Woman and novice players may not realize what is lacking. Although the chapter on Physical and Emotional Safety is one of the longest in the book, it’s still only a handful of pages long.

Where The Sexually Dominant Woman really stands out, in my opinion, is with the suggested “basic first session.” I have read several suggestions in several other books but none of them were ever appealing. Lady Green suggests a scene which has a dedicated beginning and end (and helps players get into and out of scene mode), which flows naturally and incorporates a variety of activities and tools (bondage, collars, clamps, blindfolds, flogging, etc) and has alternatives provided depending upon whether the reader wants to incorporate sex into the scene. Overall, this suggested scene is pretty much perfect for any BDSM newbie, with enough structure to keep it moving but not so restrictive that it feels silly. It is definitely a chapter I would recommend or reference in the future.

The Sexually Dominant Woman wraps up with “Some notes For Your Submissive” which can help a submissive understand how taxing a role can be a a dominant, especially a new dominant. This is followed by “Tips For Partner” finding which discusses perception and expectations that can aid in the search as well as a few suggestions of places to search. The advice is the sort of common knowledge that people can sometimes forget when setting off on a new adventure.

The appendix is the last chapter and Lady Green takes time to suggest further reading material, discuss kink aware professionals and warn about the internet. It’s a bit of a catch all which basically indicates that The Sexually Dominant Woman is not intended to be a stand alone source. As I finished the book, that is the same conclusion I reached. The Sexually Dominant Woman is not ground breaking and, to be honest, is probably old news to anyone who’s been on the internet a time or two. However, the approachable tone is refreshing for someone like myself, who has had issues with other BDSM books. If you happen by it, I would pick it up. Although, it seems like it may be going out of print so I’d probably looking for The New Topping Book instead.


The Cold Hard Truth is..

February 4th, 2010

Nexus Chloe is not nearly as amazing as she should be or looks. Read my review on EdenFantasys.