All The Things You Never Wanted to Know

January 24th, 2010

I don’t have a formspring account. I don’t love change and I don’t need someplace new for folks to ask me questions. You can comment here or e-mail me or ask me on Twitter or catch me in a chatroom or stalk me just fine, thank you very much. Actually, no one has asked me questions but that’s okay! Because I am so awesome, I will answer any questions you never asked right here, right now.

Has your husband ever drank your ejaculate?
Why, yes! Actually, I was able to finally achieve a decent squirt with him today and he was really eager to taste it but I don’t think it was his thing. Still awesome, though.

Do you stick to one or two toys as your go to insurance for an orgasm, or do you experiment a lot?
I tend to stick with one toy if the goal is orgasm. I used to default to Layaspot and occasionally the Miracle Massager when I just wanted to get off quickly but I think Tuyo will probably be my clitoral vibe or choice even considering the noise factor. If I am reviewing, I might grab a bunch of toys but then my goal is usually just to get a taste for the toys and not necessarily orgasm. I almost never use more than one toy at a time as I am just not very coordinated. I find that if I like a new toy, I will use it frequently for a while until I get something new and awesome.

How did you get into sex toy reviewing?
This is a hard question. I think I was shopping around and saw a notice on I contacted them about reviewing for my regular, personal blog and was sent my first free toy (Bnaughty). I still review for them on that blog, actually. But I was hooked so I searched for other sites with similar programs and found EdenFantasys. Soon after, I started this blog so I could review for places like Babeland.

If your husband came home and told you he had been discussing a MFM threesome with a coworker or friend, how would you react?
Okay, no one asked me this but I wanted to talk about it because the idea turns me on. I doubt it would ever happen but if, for some reason, it did, I might actually just throw caution to the wind and take him up on it. Of course, our tastes in men probably differ.

How can you be bisexual yet inexperienced? I could fuck or love any woman easily. It’s something I just know.

Why do you seem to be disappointed with squirting?
While fun and taboo and all, I don’t orgasm with it, Plus, it’s become so easy that even rather crappy toys can cause me to ejaculate.

Do you think Bad Company makes sex music?
Yes. Also Maroon 5. Very different, I know.

What makes you feel sexy?
The way my husband looks at and treats me but music sometimes gives me a sexual confidence that I don’t really take into the bedroom. It’s odd but I kind of feel silly about the way some songs make me dance or sing around with my hips all swinging.

Do you think that having sex with your husband right now is complicating things?
Yes. But right now I don’t care. I know I will regret it if we get divorced but I am still fucking him.

What sort of household items did you pervert?
I used to hump my Ken doll. (Sorry Mattel). I’ve broken a taper candle with my vagina muscles and I tried using my Venus razor handle but none of them were as awesome as my first vibrator.

Do you like ponies?
Of course, and so do you.

What sort of porn do you like?
I am not sure. I haven’t found any full length porn that I really enjoy. I do know that I like to watch girl on girl action and I enjoy it much more if it looks real, like the actors are really getting off and not just performing for the camera.

So are you dominant or submissive?
Who the fuck knows. Maybe I’m a switch but I have come to appreciate some submissive tendencies and playing with them really intrigues me. Still, power is thrilling as well.

Have any more questions? Ask them in comments and I’ll add them. For now I am dead tired and heading to bed!


EdenFantasys Affiliate Program

January 22nd, 2010

When I wrote this, I wasn’t aware of how shitty EF is as a company. Please consider these alternatives, instead.

The affiliate program at EdenFantasys is one which I am perhaps most familiar with so it shall be my first review. EdenFantasys uses a proprietary setup, not commercial software (as far as I can tell) which blends seamlessly with the rest of the control panel. Upon first registering, I was able to enter the affiliate code of another affiliate which I did (I just picked one from RetailMeNot – you’re welcome!).

The program at EF allows affiliates to earn commissions in several manners.

Partner Online
Users can grab content from any page and save it to their “desktop.” Product images, descriptions and titles are saved to the desktop for use in HTML or Flash widgets which affiliates can display on their websites. These widgets can serve as a “recently reviewed” list or as product comparisons, among other things.Alternatively, users can convert URLS, including products, reviews, forum threads, searches and more, by adding it to the “My URL” list. The URLs remain saved for future reference and I frequently use it to save intricate URLs which I frequently post. However, almost any page can be turned into an affiliate link by adding #pcode-yourpartnercode to the end of the URL. Few pages on EdenFantasys need special treatment. Search filters do require special treatment; thus I use the My URL tool.

Edenfantasys also provides nearly 250 different banners which affiliates can use with their Partner Online links to attract potential customers.

When a customer makes an order having click a Partner Online link, the affiliate earns 20% commissions (after discounts).

Partner Flyer
EdenFantasys provides printed flyers free of charge to affiliates. These flyers help affiliates spread the word to potential customers and advertise the 15% discount. Each affiliate has a partner code which can be entered an unlimited amount of times. This code is not unique to the actual customer so affiliates can spread the word of their partner codes via e-mail, blog or word of mouth as well.If a customer were to use both the link and partner code, the code would override the link providing a 15% discount to the customer and 5% commissions to the affiliate.

My Partners
Like other affiliate programs, users can earn commissions by recruiting others beneath them. Affiliates will earn 3% commissions on orders from new affiliates who sign up under them.

As I mentioned, the affiliate control panel is merged with the overall account options at EdenFantasys; however, when one signs up as a contributor, one is not automatically signed up as an affiliate. When viewing one’s account, there is a link for “Affiliate Program” and clicking it brings up all the options to use widgets, banners and URLs as well as the options to invite new partners, order flyers and view reports.

The reports contain a lot of information which can be difficult to take in at once. I usually just glance at the main reports which give a summary of traffic, orders, sales, estimated commissions and earnings so far. It’s easy to navigate to specific pages if an affiliate wants to track incoming links. For example I can click to see where my 92 incoming links originate. Most of my incoming links are from this blog (logically), Twitter and Google. Affiliates can adjust these statistics for a different time period. The default period is the current, open period. Additionally, affiliates can view orders/sales by program: partner online, partner flyer or my partners.

There are two pages within the reports section which cannot be accessed through the Main reports page – problem orders and payment history. Problem orders are orders which have been returned/refunded, thus the affiliates does not earn commissions. The payment history shows commissions earned for closed period, payments and remaining balances. Earnings are ‘stored’ in the partner account and can applied to orders on EdenFantasys via checkout. When used in such a manner, these orders show up as payments. Additionally, payment by check or Paypal will also be listed here.

Affiliates can choose to be paid in a variety of methods on the Registration for Payments page (Affiliates can also edit payee name, tax ID and address). Unlike other pages in the control panel, the link is the last under the “Settings” navigation and cannot be found with the affiliate program links. American affiliates can choose check or Paypal payout after reaching a $50 minimum. There are a few restrictions for international affiliates, however. Payments by check or wire transfer must meet a $200 minimum and wire transfers costs $15. International affiliates can select Paypal as an option to receive payments of $50 or more.

It’s important to note that earned commissions are not eligible for redemption until after the period has closed (the end of the month) and a month long cooling off period (in the event that an order is returned) has passed. Thus, an order placed on December 17th should become eligible for payout/redemption at the beginning of February.

Edenfantasys has one of the most comprehensive and easy to use affiliates programs, in my opinion. I rarely need to use the URL maker because it’s easy to add my partner code. Furthermore, I like being to link almost any page on the site, not just specific products and while I do not use all the tools provided (like widgets), the numerous banners allow options for all sorts of affiliates. Originally, I was confused by the payment process (and if you look on the forums, I was not the only one) but have come to understand it. Additionally, questions can be asked on the forums (where other affiliates can respond) or e-mailed. The different tools allow affiliates to attract new customers and affiliates . However, all the options can be a bit overwhelming and do take some time to get use to.

There is not much I would change about the affiliate program at EdenFantasys. It allows me to do things that other programs do not and has been the most profitable affiliate program I have joined. Although, there is way to reproduce the contributor widget I have on my sidebar in the control panel and it would be nice to change or at least see the referrer partner code. If you are already a contributor (or even if you are not), I would suggest you at least check it out. If you do join, my partner code is 9br.



January 19th, 2010

I have debated how much to talk about the relationship issues I am experiencing. I do not need to go in depth; I have done that many times in many other places, it seems. Suffice it to say that I love my husband and want him to continue being my husband but he is not sure and so is staying elsewhere for the time being. It’s going on 4 weeks now, 4 incredibly long weeks for the both of us, I’m sure; although, for different reasons.

In those weeks I have done a lot of thinking, come to a lot of realizations and had no fewer than 1 epiphany. In those weeks I have grown to miss my husband something awful. I find myself not just missing the good things but even the things that annoyed me or sometimes made me angry. I simply miss him, all of him.

I miss his love, of course, and all the ways he showed that. I miss the physicality of marriage: hugs, kisses and cuddles. I miss the sex like you wouldn’t believe. I spent so much time no making any effort to have it and now I consider life without it ever again. I dream of him every night and, more often than not, I dream of having sex with him. Then I wake up, here’s not there and I am not well sexed. I have become a perfect example of “you don’t know what you have until it’s gone.” It’s not really an amazing thing, really, because it exemplifies how I was too self absorbed, insecure and otherwise miserable of my own accord to appreciate my husband while he was here. I cannot blame his feelings.

Now, I can fully appreciate how attentive, patient and understanding my husband was, both inside and outside of the bedroom. He is no saint, I realize. We’ve both made our fair share of mistakes and mine, more often than not, was taking for granted the way he made me feel. I could never call him perfect but in him I had found a loving husband and a giving lover yet I remained ignorant of that fact even though there were reminders every single day.

I don’t really want to spend a lifetime appreciating something I let slip through my fingers but I fear the end of my marriage is inevitable.



January 18th, 2010


$15.99 from Amazon

I am a girl who loves pressure. Masturbation sessions which end with cramped fingers that can barely move are no strange in this house, sadly, and toys that are broad enough to press against my body with ease are rare. Small egg style vibes don’t have a lot of room for my fingers (so they still cramp), traditional vibes aren’t broad and it can be difficult to get quite the pressure I need from rabbits without detracting from internal stimulation. All of these reasons attracted me to Tuyo, a spherical massager which would certainly be broad enough and easy to hold (and press) for me. Mediocre reviews left me doubtful but I finally took the plunge and purchased one for myself right before Christmas.

Tuyo is packaged in a sleek black box and is actually housed inside another black storage box. The storage box is lined inside with pretty, purple satin material and the outside even seems to be lined with a similar material in black. On top, there is glued a small plaque with the Big Teaze Toys logo. The Tuyo looks elegant sitting in the cushy material when the lid is flipped open. The inside of the lid is lined in line purple as well, with the Big Teaze Toys logo printed on it in black. While the appearance is impressive, this box does take up much more room than the vibrator alone, which measures in at 5″ x 5″ x 3.5″. If space is not an issue or you want to present the Tuyo as a gift, the box is wonderful but I’m not sure if Tuyo will stay in it.

Tuyo is made of hard plastic with a silicone band wrapping around the center, both in black. The band has some give and slight texture which can help in grasping Tuyo. There are thin silver borders on either side of the silicone band and also around the button on top which could be metal or plastic. For the most part, these details do not create and crevices, except around the button (which isn’t directly pressed to the body anyway). The button sits directly on top, whereas I press the bottom 1/3 against myself. The only mark on the bottom 1/3 is a printed logo that is not discernible by touch.

At first, I struggled with the battery compartment. The top portion of the Tuyo unscrews slightly to allow you to insert 3 AAA batteries. However, there aren’t any finger indentations which would make it easier to take off. When it comes to replacing it, there are also no indicators to line up the pieces, which would be helpful. The batteries sit pretty tightly in the compartment but there is a ribbon which sits beneath them to assist in removal. Be careful of projectile batteries.

The round shape makes it incredibly easy to clean and, although it’s not waterproof, I washed it with soap and water without issue. There is no O-ring around the battery compartment but the unique cap seals well. The plastic could easily be sprayed with toy cleaner and a wipe would work as well. The silicone band does pick up a bit of lint.

It only took me about 30 seconds to realize that Tuyo is exactly what I require in terms of shape and size. It’s definitely bigger around than any toys I have with its 3″ diameter; my fingers are not long enough to wrap all the way around. However, this works really well to stimulate the entire vulva and I have plenty of room to grasp it, without squishing my fingers. It’s incredibly easy to press against myself without causing pain that other shapes can cause and, if it switches position, I needn’t worry. It’s still round on every side. I quickly found myself moving my hips against the Tuyo and orgasming.

It’s also incredibly easy to use. The button it about the size of my finger tip and makes an audible click when I turn it out. There does seem to be some slight lag after initially turning it on, however. There are 3 levels of steady vibration that are pretty diffuse; although they are centered toward the bottom of the toy. These are followed by a slow pulsation, a faster pulsation, a pulsation like a fast heartbeat, a fast-fast-fast-fast-slow pulsation and a throbbing pulsation. The settings are all really neat but I wouldn’t mind two buttons for back and forth options or even just a master power button because that’s 8 settings to cycle through and I find myself using the medium steady vibration most. The vibration is not super buzzy (it doesn’t tickle my hand), except on the highest level of steady vibration. It isn’t super deep either but, because of the awesome shape, I have to rely less on vibration to get off.

But my joy was overshadowed by something I could not ignore: the noise. Tuyo is easily the loudest toy I own. It beats for the Miracle Massager and Ideal hands down. It sounds like a fucking chainsaw. There is no way in hell I can use it if someone else were in my apartment and people outside my bedroom window or wall could probably still hear it even after I pulled the covers over myself to block some of the noise. And all on 3 AAA batteries. This is simply unacceptable.

Especially because this would become my go to vibrator (in place of Laya Spot) if only the noise were not an issue. I love the shape, the vibrations feel great (and I am usually not a fan of AAA), it’s easy to use and hold, has a solid feel and a comforting weight. It’s also versatile and could be used for body massage. It could be rolled or easily pushed across the skin, if that’s your thing. Even outside of its box, it doesn’t scream “vibrator” but.. and this is a big but, it’s so loud it’s just not practical to use.

The only thing I have left to say is this:

Big Teaze Toys, please make a Tuyo 2.0 which is quieter!


Not There

January 17th, 2010

At first, I don’t hear the key in the door. I am busy, distracted by the vibrations against my flesh and my soft moans. The door opens and when it closes, I hear it. I know it is him (who else could unlock that door) and that he will soon find me. I debate turning off and covering up but decide against it. I continue to thrust the toy in and out of my cunt, already slick with arousal and lube.

The atmosphere changes as he almost enters the room, stopping suddenly in the door way. My face is turned away and I pretend not to know he is there. I imagine his mouth hanging open and he’ll swallow his words to take advantage of the situation. I strain to hear him breathe just as he must be straining to control it, keep it quiet.

I moan for effect and slowly pleasure myself with the vibrator. I extract it leisurely from my pussy, running the tip along my lips and doubling back. I rest it against my clit, gasping at the sensation before sliding it back inside my body, angling against my most sensitive spots. I feel myself swell and back off, not yet wanting to release that flood gate.

Just in time, he distracts me, having moved from the door to the bed. His weight shifts the mattress and a shiver runs down my spine. From my position, on hands and knees, I cannot see him and I dare not look over my shoulder. I trail the vibrator from my clit toward my breasts, slowly circling my nipples. He moves closer and I can feel his breath, hot on my skin but not a word is spoken. We both know he is there, we both refuse to acknowledge it.

I tense, almost started at the touch of his fingers, lightly caressing my lips. I rest the toy on the bed, still on, and move my now free hand between my legs, careful not to touch his. I don’t want to break the spell. I plunge several fingers into my vagina. They are eagerly taken in and coated in my juices. I pull them out slowly, sure they are glistening and spread myself wide, sure he is watching. I retreat my hand from its revealed position, grasp the vibrator once more.

He takes the opportunity and I am surprised by his tongue on my clit, zoning in exactly where he needs to be. His tongue flicks and swirls; his lips surround my erect organ and he sucks it into his mouth. I respond with appreciative moans and he buries his face deeper, moaning as well, releasing soft vibrations against my flesh.

Still, we don’t speak, perpetuating the facade. He backs away and adjusts his position. I take the time to slide the vibrator back into my cunt, pushing it against my G-spot. This time I am ready and the pulsations begin the flow. Quickly removing the toy, I push the flood of ejaculate out in a healthy stream. I can feel a hand brush my thigh as he holds it between my legs but not for long. His mouth replaces his hands, drinking of me and he sucks and licks every last drop from my lips and my thighs, leaving them wet with his saliva.

I am empty, but not finished. Not yet. The vibrator finds it way between my legs once more, pushing at my clit. I rub, pressing feverishly to build myself to orgasm. This time he doesn’t touch, at least not me. There is the sound of a zipper, fabric rustling and I know his cock is in hand. I imagine its shape, its size, texture and taste. I am licking my lips without realizing, the sudden fantasy bringing me closer to the edge. I remember how his hard cock feels against me, inside me and pretend the vibrator is as good. It’s not but I pretend, anyway.

We pretend we are alone, he stroking his cock and me with the vibrator pressed against my sex. We are both hot and I am more than sufficiently wet. The bed moves with our movements but I ignore it. I am masturbating furiously as he breathes raggedly. We are both close. As I feel myself about to peak, he moans behind me. I imagine the look on his face as he does, a contorted mixture of pleasure and effort and am sent over the edge myself. I feel the contractions of my muscles, a quick succession of orgasm that fades not long after it begins. I am not immediately aware of the hot cum that he landed on the back of my thighs but it cools quickly and gravity pulls it down my skin.

I turn off the vibrator, drop it between my legs. We are still silent, except for the sound of our heavy breathing and his pants becoming zipped once more. He climbs off the bed and quietly makes his way toward the door. As my heartbeat slows and breathing quiets, I hear the door open and close, once more the sound of keys jingling in the lock.


Black Glove/Elegant Spanking

January 17th, 2010

One of the reviews for Amazon describe Black Glove/Elegant Spanking, a DVD containing two short films by Maria Beatty, as “like an artsy amateur porn video that the 2 girls should have kept private.” And I pretty much agree.

It’s not that the visuals aren’t stunning. Both pieces are done in black and white, with more than a subtle nod toward the silent film era (despite being released in 1995). The Elegant Spanking even features “title cards” showing dialoque between Mistress and slave. The filming is well done, if not simple, and it seems done a bit grainy to add personality. The Black Glove is especially heavy with shiny instruments and PVC clothing while garter belts can be seen in both. The image of pearls sliding between pussy lips in The Elegant Spanking is intriguing, if nothing else. Yet, the imagery is very specific, so specific that there can be very little middle ground with Black Glove/Elegant Spanking. Either you will love it or it will not be your thing. And it’s not mine.

I also can’t say that the acts aren’t realistic or intimate. Marie Beatty portrays a submissive in both films, expressing pain and pleasure well despite the fact that we can’t hear her voice or breath. In The Elegant Spanking, she lovingly partakes in watersports. It’s as though someone simply popped a camera into Beatty’s BDSM life and recorded these events. Believable and erotic (it’s hard to call anything with so much BDSM anything else), yes. But rising to any sort of climax (literally or figuratively) or otherwise following any sort of standard film time/plotline, no. We don’t know why anything is happening, just that it is, and it’s over without any real sense of resolution. Both movies are more like extended scenes than stand alone films and they move quite slowly. I’ll dare call it boring.

I would be lying if I said it wasn’t artistic. From imagery style, which I already discussed, to music/sound and the speed of progress, these films are both incredibly creative. Yet, that artistry can be difficult to understand of detract from the movie.

Such is the case with the music (by John Zorn) which generally reminds me of haunted house background music or the scores of 80s horror flicks. It suggests seriousness in a calm way, softly in the background. The over calmness perhaps negates any pique the films themselves have. In The Elegant Spanking, one can only hear the music and not any speaking; although, it’s obvious at several points that Maria Beatty is speaking. They flash title cards to suggest to the reader what she has said but it’s obvious that is not what she said (and I’m no lip reader!). In The Black Glove, we can hear some sounds from the scene itself – although no voices – which I prefer greatly. The sound of buckles and foot steps were appreciated. Yet, toward the second half of this scene, the background music/sound switches to something like burning or crackling. It’s much louder than the previous background music and I find it completely distracting.

And if kink is your thing, these films have plenty. The Elegant Spanking jumps into watersports pretty quickly. There is spanking, of course, as well as shoe/foot fetish. In fact, that plays an important role in both films. Too bad I hate feet. The Black Glove has lots of appropriate PVC; Maria Beatty is hog tied and a cane, a Wartenberg wheel, clamps, a knife and wax all make an appearance. Most of these implements are rubbed or run over Maria Beatty’s lingerie clad body, with focus on her ass and breasts.

Fans of bonus material will be disappointed. The DVD lists a catalog of other Beatty films and one can insert it into their computer to go to the website.. or just Google Bleu Productions. It’ll take less time.

So what I can say it this: While artistic, striking in imagery, BDSM oriented and incredibly intimate, it seems like these films would best be enjoyed by Beatty & Co themselves. The artistic eroticism is interesting and these films would probably lend themselves well to an intellectual discussion (perhaps of D/s dynamics) over tea and crumpets but their limited ability to arouse suggests that this film is simply art, not porn. I appreciate these pieces as works of art and I know that BDSM doesn’t have to include sex but porn probably should. Sometimes there is grey area between porn and art but the black and white films on this DVD suggest that is not a place Maria Beatty productions will ever be and that’s okay. I’m just not the sort of person who can appreciate these films. On the other hand, there were a couple scenes which would lend themselves beautifully to wall art (something which I can better intellectually appreciate). I would much rather have preferred a handful of stills which sum up the feeling of Black Glove/Elegant Spanking than actually view the DVD itself.


A little self discovery..

January 13th, 2010

One thing which I have been contemplating, which is appropriate for me to post about here, is that I may perhaps be a little bit, at least not quite as dominant as I thought I was. Okay, submissive. Domination is something which appealed to me but I struggled with. It took so much thought, sometimes too much. I strived for it because it was intriguing but also because I have always tried to over-control everything in my life for fear that lack of control would find it spinning helplessly out of control. Oh, look at that! It did so anyway.

My relationship issues have highlighted my tendency to be negative and the defense mechanisms I had grown accustomed to using to deal with my insecurities, most of which did me absolutely no good. And, you guessed it, trying to control everything was one of those. It’s damned exhausting but the idea of losing control was so scary that I never even let myself play a different role or, perhaps, be myself fully in the bedroom. I have decided to take a deep breath and let go with almost everything. To just let things happen and to not drive myself crazy when the little things don’t go my way. I have decided to relax and think positive, I suppose.

This has led to a few thoughts that were buried in my subconscious because I wouldn’t allow myself to have them. One of them, that I might want kids. Not now, but someday maybe and anyone who knows my stance on children will find that ground breaking.

The other thought that took me by surprise (and actually during sex) was that there may be a submissive side to me that would really like to come out. Maybe not all the time but I think there it something there that could thrive, under the right conditions. And it certainly takes the stress away from trying to impose something on my relationship that didn’t completely fit. Perhaps being open to something I was terrified of before will let me develop more fully and bring me back to the place I wasn’t ready to approach before. Perhaps not. It’s certainly eye opening either way.