Down The Rabbit Hole

January 31st, 2010

I really wanted to like Bcurious and, truthfully, I love the design, the quality, the ease of use and the pretty lights. I love that it’s so quiet, waterproof and although it’s not designed for the broad side to be used, it could be. And I would if only the vibrations were stronger and deeper. After only a few moments, my clit couldn’t feel a damned thing and was barely aroused. In fact, I personally feel that it has no more than 1 “Vroom” but I suspect others would disagree so marked it as 2 to be extra fair.

For $80, I better be getting off. It’s really a waste of design and craftsmanship.


Babeland Affiliate Program

January 29th, 2010

In my second installment of affiliate program reviews, I’d like to introduce you to Babeland Affiliates. When browsing Babeland’s site for affiliate information, visitors can find this affiliate FAQ which, while generally helpful, isn’t amazing. For instance, if you’re wondering when you’ll be paid, the page indicates to look at a list of dates that doesn’t exist. Furthermore, interested bloggers and website owners (who are 21+) can sign up via a form which is embedded into Babeland’s shop site; however, once approved affiliates must log into a different site – – to manage their states. This really is my biggest complaint about the content of the affiliate program at Babeland – it’s confusingly spread on two different sites.

While affiliates can link to pretty much any page on Babeland’s site including individual products, guides and specials via the link creator on the Babeland site, the affiliate site only offers premade links to specific products and pages. There is no link creator at all within the affiliate site. And if there is a way to link to the affiliate site with an affiliate link, I do not know how. Furthermore, sometimes Babeland no longer sells products and I believe visitors are redirected to the main page without notice of why this is happening.

It’s also great to see seasonal banners from Babeland and they are conveniently displayed below the link creator but guess what? There are also banners in the affiliate control panel and they are not always in sync. As long as I’ve been an affiliate, it seems like seasonal banners are quickly removed from the link creator page on but there’s no real indication in the affiliate control panel about the status of certain banners. If that weren’t confusing enough, there is actually a third page with more banners on the Babeland site. Sure, affiliates have lots of options but they also have to exert a lot of effort to find the tools available to them. Now, I have nothing against having to use an external site for affiliates as long as that external site is all encompassing which is not the case for Babeland.

Banner and linking issues aside, the commercial software they used to track impressions, clicks, orders and commissions is easy enough to use (and set my date). Affiliates can also view The “View Reports” page does not have as much in depth information as the EdenFantasys affiliate program but it’s easy to see that I am owed some commissions. However, I’m not entirely sure when I will paid (remember, the Affiliate FAQs weren’t so helpful in that area) and the “Training Center” link in the affiliate control panel is a broken link. I do believe I will be paid next month because I have over $25 in commissions this month. It would be great if that question could be answered in the control panel, however.

The specific software BabelandAffiliates uses does have some interesting, tools. For instance, there is a page entitled “Marketing Material” which shows the banners I have in use along with their impressions, clicks, click-thru ratios, number of sales and commissions. Ironically, all of my commissions are via text links and not banner clicks. (= This affiiate setup also allows users to create Sub-IDS which are defined thusly:

Sub-IDs are a tool that will allow you to track specific placements of our links and view the performance of each. For example if you have a website and an email newsletter, you can create a sub-ID for each like site and news. You can then view the reports below to determine how your site and your news links are performing.

Although I don’t personally have use for this feature, I can see how it would be useful, especially for networked sites.

It’s also to see previous payments. Because of the $25/month commissions rule, it’s been some time since I got one but it’s still listed which is nice. This is helpful if you move because Babeland only pays out by check and sometimes moving or mail issues can prevent that money from reaching your hands.

I briefly touched on the limited links which are available through this control panel. There are only a handful of text links available, one of which points to G-spot toys, one to the Babeland store and one to the SaSi product listing. It’s pretty meager and having the link creator here would be awesome, am I right? There are more options with banners (and these are separated into categories by size or promotion) but, as I mentioned before, some of the banners are “time-sensitive” and no longer useful to affiliates because the promotion has ended or, in the case of the 2008 election, is completely irrelevant now.

Affiliates can easily change their personal information in the dashboard, thankfully, and that wraps up the control panel. It’s doesn’t include everything and the kitchen sink, like the control panel for EdenFantasys affiliates but it does meet all basic needs and then some. It would just be that much more useful if the powers that be focused on the control panel instead of spreading affiliate content across several sites and pages. As it is, it’s more than a little frustrating because the goal is so clearly within reach.

I’m not entirely who the powers that be are anymore. I believe that both the the affiliate program and the reviewer program fall under the same management (and the review newsletter includes affiliate information also) but there have been some changes recently. While I understand employees come and go, I am not the only person who is thoroughly confused as to whom to contact. Even when I thought I knew whom to contact, replies were very inconsistent. Some folks were constantly getting e-mail and phone calls replies in a timely manner whereas others, like myself, have heard absolutely nothing back. I don’t pretend to understand the kind of stress that these folks are under and I also know I’d concentrate on improving the customers experience before worrying about affiliates so I don’t like to make a big deal out of things. However, I do know that it’s easy to set up an automatic reply to the extent of:

So and so, the affiliate manage at Babeland has received your message but due to an influx in correspondence will only be replying to e-mails which require a reply.

And we’d really be happy with that. In addition, since affiliate newsletters go out on a weekly basis anyway, it wouldn’t hurt to add a little blurb “Hi, my name is Bob and I will be taking over correspondence with affiliates.” To be fair, I was told that someone would be taking over affiliate correspondence which I absolutely appreciate but I don’t think this message was spread consistently to all affiliates.

With a little tweaking around the edges, I think the Babeland Affiliate program would be quite formidable but it is currently quite clumsy.


The Mistress Manual

January 26th, 2010

The Mistress Manual, “the good girl’s guide to female dominance,” is a pretty iconic book when it comes to BDSM guides but it is not a general dominance/topping book and it will be most useful to a specific sort of demographic. If you’re curious if you fall into that demographic, ask yourself these questions:

  • Are my femininity and domination closely connected?
  • Have I already found or created a willing male submissive?
  • Does my idea of domination center around the house?
  • Am I looking for help developing my dominance style and, if so, do classic dominance archetypes (nursemaid, governess, queen, amazon, goddess) appeal to me?

If you answer to any of these questions is “No,” I would direct you in another direction. Perhaps the New Topping Book; although, I have not read it myself. If all your answers are “No,” I would not encourage you to open The Mistress Manual with a 10 foot pole because, while the advice given by Mistress Lorelei will probably work quite well for those whose styles of domination mesh with her views, the scope is limited enough that it will be extremely frustrating if not entirely futile for anyone else. Here’s why.

The keyword is female.

Mistress Lorelei, whom the reader learns is a professional writer from a blurb at the end of the book but whose expertise on the subject is never fully established, seems to see female dominance and male submission as a complimentary pair, sort of yin and yang-y. And I can dig that. It many ways, it makes sense and, thus, it’s pretty much the running theme of this guide.

In some ways, however, it doesn’t make quite so much sense. Although there is advice in The Mistress Manual which can be used by any creative person or couple, the unique dynamics of a lesbian power exchange relationship may not benefit quite as well from Lorelei’s words. I would also argue that she focused on the idea of “female dominance” a bit too much but I’ve never been much of a feminist. I don’t need to roar because I’m a woman and while being female can certainly add unique aspects to power, power itself is not hinged on my gender.

In fact, there are several reviews on Amazon which voice my critiques much more eloquently than I ever could:

Most of this book is tainted with this woman’s petty revenge fantasies. She can’t seem to seperate [sic] the idea of a well balanced BDSM relationship, founded on ideas such as trust and respect, from her indignacy [sic] at her perceived “second class citizen” status because she is a woman.

The Mistress Manual could have done much more to help craft or find a submissive.

While chapter 3 talks about finding or creating a submissive, it was sorely lacking. The information to determine if one’s partner is open to female dominance is based on many assumptions. For example, Lorelei suggests that positive reactions to nipple pinching, being told to perform oral sex or to woman-on-top sex are indicative of domination fantasies and they can be, in the right situation. On the other hand, those things are all pretty vanilla these days and I wouldn’t think someone is into BDSM simply for liking those things.

If your partner does happen to have fantasies of female domination that takes little to encourage, you probably won’t find this as problematic as I did. Furthermore, if you live in an area where it’s easy to find an already submissive partner, you’re set. Just don’t rely on The Mistress Manual to be much help if either of those speed bumps apply to you.

“Domestic Discipline”

Mistress Lorelei describes her brand of dominance as “Domestic Discipline.” While I’m no expert, she defines this term (and others) uniquely. I have only ever seen Domestic Discipline defined as a relationship between husband and wife where the husband is dominant. Female dominance does not fit that definition at all. Somehow, Lorelei has found a group of people who have altered the traditional definition and this can be misleading. It’s like she decided to say, for the purposes of her book, that “empty means full.”

Semantics aside, my domination tastes center around general BDSM not domesticity or discipline, exclusively. In the beginning of the book, Lorelei is quit to state the differences between her idea of domestic discipline and the BDSM/leather scene which did put me off for the rest of the book. However, if the idea of of domestic roles or discipline-dependent S&M is this thing, you will probably enjoy this book much more than I did.

She’s a stickler for archetypes.

Admittedly, I do not put much stock into the “archetypal” female dominance roles which she lists as nursemaid, governess, goddess, queen and amazon. Relying on established fantasies can certainly help the creative juices flow for planning a scene and help to develop a style of dominance if someone is not sure how to proceed but I find my tastes to be a bit more eclectic than these roles sometimes allow for. It goes without saying that all these fantasies closely tie femininity into dominance as well which makes them either a great fit or.. a sore fit. I do find the references to these roles throughout the book to be distracting.

If you still find yourself interested, he is a brief rundown of the Mistress Manual:

Separated into thee parts – Becoming a Mistress, the Mistress in Action and The Five Archetypal Fantasies – this book is well suited for absolute beginners or perhaps women who have struggled to get their BDSM fantasies off the ground but it does not offer the mental or emotional assistance that some people require. Furthermore, the chapters waver in depth, with Lorelei including much information about spanking inplements but never quite explaining how to bring out submission in a reluctant partner.

The chapters in the first section explain the appeal of female domination, how to get over hang ups about the idea, finding or creating a submissive male and balancing fantasy and reality. The chapters in the next section discuss establishing authority, planning a first scene, the art of discipline and “bondage, humiliation and other forms of control.” The Mistress Manual wraps up with a chapter each on what Lorelei calls the 5 Archetypal Fantasies of female domination – Nursemaid, Governess, Queen, Amazon and Goddess – with an introductory chapter about fulfilling fantasies of both the dominant and her male submissive.

There are some strengths to this book. An entire chapter is dedicated to “The Reluctant Mistress” to aid newbies who are uncomfortable with the idea of female domination. It outlines reasons that women shy away from domination such as guilt, repression or unwillingness. Additionally, Mistress Lorelei helpfully describes how language, props, costumes and acting can all aid in this endeavor. Some of these things I hadn’t given enough thought and I could see why this could be detrimental to my play. Plus, Mistress Lorelei knows her impact play props and even talks about sting versus thud as well as offering concrete information about methods of spanking. Furthermore, there is a list of ways to aid in “Combining Power and Pleasure” with tips on how language, position and other things can affect the perception of power. Lastly, the author does advise discussing thoroughly what all parties want out of domination (and the archetypes might help in determining and discussing this).

Yet I would be aware of the fact that The Mistress Manual is dated, like SM101. The author suggests finding potential partners in the meeting places of yesteryear (ads and clubs). I did not find the suggest first scene to be appealing. Rather, it was bland and didn’t flow in a way that I find to be natural or satisfying. This may only be personal preference, however.

Ultimately, The Mistress Manual is not the book for me and the points which I found helpful are few enough that I may remember them without ever needing to open it again. I would certainly steer someone toward other books (like SM101 or The New Topping Book) over The Mistress Manual. The pretentious and overly wordy style Lorelei used also detracted from my enjoyment. By the end, I was skimming the book if only because I could not longer force myself to read it word for word. In short, The Mistress Manual is a good book if you are like Mistress Lorelei but not as good if you are like me.


Paul and Paulina

January 25th, 2010

Let me preface this by saying I’d like this rabbit style vibrator much better if it were called Pauley Perrette because that’s what I always think instead of “Paul and Paulina.” And I love Pauley.

All that aside, Paul and Paulina is an adorable vibrator. I’ve seen it in a beautiful blue, a bright green and the colour I received: baby pink. Both the insertable portion and the clitoral stimulator are shaped like worms or caterpillars which are coming out of an apple and the soft silicone which coats the toy has ridges to add to the effect (and add texture, too). There are some artistic ‘dimples’ in the apple which may prove to be effective finger holds but did not aid me in use. The worms appear to be smiling and have two embossed dots for eyes. If animal toys are not your thing, then this vibrator will not be for you. The silicone around the shaft is a little loose so there is give when squeezed but there is less give around the clitoral stimulator.

Because of the ridges on the shaft, I would recommend using lube (water based only). The soft silicone has a slightly velvety texture which increases drag. While I found I could feel those ripples, they were not entirely stimulating. Someone with a more sensitive vagina might find otherwise, however.

Like most soft silicone, Paul and Paulina picks up lint, fur etc. Storing is in a ziploc/toy bag or wrapped in a scarf may help. And using a microfiber towel to dry it after cleaning isn’t a bad idea, either/ Because of the design of the battery compartment, I would definitely not take this in the bath or shower. A soap and water washing should be safe as long as you keep the battery end out of the direct flow of water. Sprays and wipes may not help to rid this vibrator of the lint that it collects.

From end to end it measures just under 10″, 5.5″ of which are insertable. It’s bulky, the way many rabbits tend to be and that can sometimes hinder maneuverability, especially if you have short arms like I do. The clitoral stimulator is thinner than many and seems a bit shorter. It’s situated quite close to the shaft and while the angle can be increased if your anatomy requires it to be further away, this may cause it to fall short. It was a bit short on myself and didn’t feel like I could “force” it to sit in the positions I like, the way I can with other rabbits.

The controls are unique but easy to use. There is a master power button and on small, red indicator light when the toy is on. The light confused me at first because it fades very slowly after turning off the vibrator. It looks like the toy is not turned off but 3-5 seconds to fade before pressing the button a million more times and wondering what’s going on. Both functions has a separate dial which are similar to the volume wheel on my personal CD player (or even on a laptop). It’s easy to use – slide up to increase speed or power and, when it stop’s, it’s on high. Sliding it the other way decreases speed/power until it stops and the function is turned off. These wheels are incredibly easy to use and have The functions can be used separately, of course.

The rotating shaft and vibration are pretty run of the mill; although I’d like to add there do appear to be ball bearing type beads toward the bottom half of the shaft. I can feel them but cannot see them because of the opaque silicone. Paul and Paulina is powered by 4 AA batteries which usually is a good indication of power but I found that just wasn’t the case here. For starters, the bullet inside the clitoral stimulator is pretty small and emits a high pitched vibration and, no matter what position the wheel is in, it seems like there is only one setting. In my opinion, it’s totally useless to have any sort of setting control. The shaft rotation is also on the lackluster side.

The shaft rotates in fairly small circles and doesn’t seem to be bendable to increase that circumference of rotation. In use, I couldn’t feel the difference between the beads and rotation. I did squirt but it wasn’t as impressive as when I’ve been able to ejaculate with toys which have more powerful rotation. The control wheel for the shaft increases the rotation speed. Unfortunately, when both functions are on, the clitoral stimulator seems to lose a little power and I wouldn’t expect this to stand up to super strong muscles, either.

For 4 AAs, I expect a lot more. Layaspot runs on AAAs and this isn’t that much more powerful. Hell, for Fun Factory, I am incredibly disappointed. They are my favourite company and have created several dildos and vibrators which have left me satisfied but Paul and Paulina just does not measure up at all. I suspect it will be enough for many people and it has received positive reviews. It’s not a piece of just exactly; I just cannot help but notice how it falls apart when it comes to the details. But I do know that Fun Factory has some more contemporary rabbits coming out and I wonder if they will be an improvement over this.

1 Comment

All The Things You Never Wanted to Know

January 24th, 2010

I don’t have a formspring account. I don’t love change and I don’t need someplace new for folks to ask me questions. You can comment here or e-mail me or ask me on Twitter or catch me in a chatroom or stalk me just fine, thank you very much. Actually, no one has asked me questions but that’s okay! Because I am so awesome, I will answer any questions you never asked right here, right now.

Has your husband ever drank your ejaculate?
Why, yes! Actually, I was able to finally achieve a decent squirt with him today and he was really eager to taste it but I don’t think it was his thing. Still awesome, though.

Do you stick to one or two toys as your go to insurance for an orgasm, or do you experiment a lot?
I tend to stick with one toy if the goal is orgasm. I used to default to Layaspot and occasionally the Miracle Massager when I just wanted to get off quickly but I think Tuyo will probably be my clitoral vibe or choice even considering the noise factor. If I am reviewing, I might grab a bunch of toys but then my goal is usually just to get a taste for the toys and not necessarily orgasm. I almost never use more than one toy at a time as I am just not very coordinated. I find that if I like a new toy, I will use it frequently for a while until I get something new and awesome.

How did you get into sex toy reviewing?
This is a hard question. I think I was shopping around and saw a notice on I contacted them about reviewing for my regular, personal blog and was sent my first free toy (Bnaughty). I still review for them on that blog, actually. But I was hooked so I searched for other sites with similar programs and found EdenFantasys. Soon after, I started this blog so I could review for places like Babeland.

If your husband came home and told you he had been discussing a MFM threesome with a coworker or friend, how would you react?
Okay, no one asked me this but I wanted to talk about it because the idea turns me on. I doubt it would ever happen but if, for some reason, it did, I might actually just throw caution to the wind and take him up on it. Of course, our tastes in men probably differ.

How can you be bisexual yet inexperienced? I could fuck or love any woman easily. It’s something I just know.

Why do you seem to be disappointed with squirting?
While fun and taboo and all, I don’t orgasm with it, Plus, it’s become so easy that even rather crappy toys can cause me to ejaculate.

Do you think Bad Company makes sex music?
Yes. Also Maroon 5. Very different, I know.

What makes you feel sexy?
The way my husband looks at and treats me but music sometimes gives me a sexual confidence that I don’t really take into the bedroom. It’s odd but I kind of feel silly about the way some songs make me dance or sing around with my hips all swinging.

Do you think that having sex with your husband right now is complicating things?
Yes. But right now I don’t care. I know I will regret it if we get divorced but I am still fucking him.

What sort of household items did you pervert?
I used to hump my Ken doll. (Sorry Mattel). I’ve broken a taper candle with my vagina muscles and I tried using my Venus razor handle but none of them were as awesome as my first vibrator.

Do you like ponies?
Of course, and so do you.

What sort of porn do you like?
I am not sure. I haven’t found any full length porn that I really enjoy. I do know that I like to watch girl on girl action and I enjoy it much more if it looks real, like the actors are really getting off and not just performing for the camera.

So are you dominant or submissive?
Who the fuck knows. Maybe I’m a switch but I have come to appreciate some submissive tendencies and playing with them really intrigues me. Still, power is thrilling as well.

Have any more questions? Ask them in comments and I’ll add them. For now I am dead tired and heading to bed!


EdenFantasys Affiliate Program

January 22nd, 2010

When I wrote this, I wasn’t aware of how shitty EF is as a company. Please consider these alternatives, instead.

The affiliate program at EdenFantasys is one which I am perhaps most familiar with so it shall be my first review. EdenFantasys uses a proprietary setup, not commercial software (as far as I can tell) which blends seamlessly with the rest of the control panel. Upon first registering, I was able to enter the affiliate code of another affiliate which I did (I just picked one from RetailMeNot – you’re welcome!).

The program at EF allows affiliates to earn commissions in several manners.

Partner Online
Users can grab content from any page and save it to their “desktop.” Product images, descriptions and titles are saved to the desktop for use in HTML or Flash widgets which affiliates can display on their websites. These widgets can serve as a “recently reviewed” list or as product comparisons, among other things.Alternatively, users can convert URLS, including products, reviews, forum threads, searches and more, by adding it to the “My URL” list. The URLs remain saved for future reference and I frequently use it to save intricate URLs which I frequently post. However, almost any page can be turned into an affiliate link by adding #pcode-yourpartnercode to the end of the URL. Few pages on EdenFantasys need special treatment. Search filters do require special treatment; thus I use the My URL tool.

Edenfantasys also provides nearly 250 different banners which affiliates can use with their Partner Online links to attract potential customers.

When a customer makes an order having click a Partner Online link, the affiliate earns 20% commissions (after discounts).

Partner Flyer
EdenFantasys provides printed flyers free of charge to affiliates. These flyers help affiliates spread the word to potential customers and advertise the 15% discount. Each affiliate has a partner code which can be entered an unlimited amount of times. This code is not unique to the actual customer so affiliates can spread the word of their partner codes via e-mail, blog or word of mouth as well.If a customer were to use both the link and partner code, the code would override the link providing a 15% discount to the customer and 5% commissions to the affiliate.

My Partners
Like other affiliate programs, users can earn commissions by recruiting others beneath them. Affiliates will earn 3% commissions on orders from new affiliates who sign up under them.

As I mentioned, the affiliate control panel is merged with the overall account options at EdenFantasys; however, when one signs up as a contributor, one is not automatically signed up as an affiliate. When viewing one’s account, there is a link for “Affiliate Program” and clicking it brings up all the options to use widgets, banners and URLs as well as the options to invite new partners, order flyers and view reports.

The reports contain a lot of information which can be difficult to take in at once. I usually just glance at the main reports which give a summary of traffic, orders, sales, estimated commissions and earnings so far. It’s easy to navigate to specific pages if an affiliate wants to track incoming links. For example I can click to see where my 92 incoming links originate. Most of my incoming links are from this blog (logically), Twitter and Google. Affiliates can adjust these statistics for a different time period. The default period is the current, open period. Additionally, affiliates can view orders/sales by program: partner online, partner flyer or my partners.

There are two pages within the reports section which cannot be accessed through the Main reports page – problem orders and payment history. Problem orders are orders which have been returned/refunded, thus the affiliates does not earn commissions. The payment history shows commissions earned for closed period, payments and remaining balances. Earnings are ‘stored’ in the partner account and can applied to orders on EdenFantasys via checkout. When used in such a manner, these orders show up as payments. Additionally, payment by check or Paypal will also be listed here.

Affiliates can choose to be paid in a variety of methods on the Registration for Payments page (Affiliates can also edit payee name, tax ID and address). Unlike other pages in the control panel, the link is the last under the “Settings” navigation and cannot be found with the affiliate program links. American affiliates can choose check or Paypal payout after reaching a $50 minimum. There are a few restrictions for international affiliates, however. Payments by check or wire transfer must meet a $200 minimum and wire transfers costs $15. International affiliates can select Paypal as an option to receive payments of $50 or more.

It’s important to note that earned commissions are not eligible for redemption until after the period has closed (the end of the month) and a month long cooling off period (in the event that an order is returned) has passed. Thus, an order placed on December 17th should become eligible for payout/redemption at the beginning of February.

Edenfantasys has one of the most comprehensive and easy to use affiliates programs, in my opinion. I rarely need to use the URL maker because it’s easy to add my partner code. Furthermore, I like being to link almost any page on the site, not just specific products and while I do not use all the tools provided (like widgets), the numerous banners allow options for all sorts of affiliates. Originally, I was confused by the payment process (and if you look on the forums, I was not the only one) but have come to understand it. Additionally, questions can be asked on the forums (where other affiliates can respond) or e-mailed. The different tools allow affiliates to attract new customers and affiliates . However, all the options can be a bit overwhelming and do take some time to get use to.

There is not much I would change about the affiliate program at EdenFantasys. It allows me to do things that other programs do not and has been the most profitable affiliate program I have joined. Although, there is way to reproduce the contributor widget I have on my sidebar in the control panel and it would be nice to change or at least see the referrer partner code. If you are already a contributor (or even if you are not), I would suggest you at least check it out. If you do join, my partner code is 9br.



January 19th, 2010

I have debated how much to talk about the relationship issues I am experiencing. I do not need to go in depth; I have done that many times in many other places, it seems. Suffice it to say that I love my husband and want him to continue being my husband but he is not sure and so is staying elsewhere for the time being. It’s going on 4 weeks now, 4 incredibly long weeks for the both of us, I’m sure; although, for different reasons.

In those weeks I have done a lot of thinking, come to a lot of realizations and had no fewer than 1 epiphany. In those weeks I have grown to miss my husband something awful. I find myself not just missing the good things but even the things that annoyed me or sometimes made me angry. I simply miss him, all of him.

I miss his love, of course, and all the ways he showed that. I miss the physicality of marriage: hugs, kisses and cuddles. I miss the sex like you wouldn’t believe. I spent so much time no making any effort to have it and now I consider life without it ever again. I dream of him every night and, more often than not, I dream of having sex with him. Then I wake up, here’s not there and I am not well sexed. I have become a perfect example of “you don’t know what you have until it’s gone.” It’s not really an amazing thing, really, because it exemplifies how I was too self absorbed, insecure and otherwise miserable of my own accord to appreciate my husband while he was here. I cannot blame his feelings.

Now, I can fully appreciate how attentive, patient and understanding my husband was, both inside and outside of the bedroom. He is no saint, I realize. We’ve both made our fair share of mistakes and mine, more often than not, was taking for granted the way he made me feel. I could never call him perfect but in him I had found a loving husband and a giving lover yet I remained ignorant of that fact even though there were reminders every single day.

I don’t really want to spend a lifetime appreciating something I let slip through my fingers but I fear the end of my marriage is inevitable.