Jopen Key Comet II

July 14th, 2014


$79.99 from Burlesque Toy Shop

Have you ever just wanted something so bad? You couldn’t help but think about it?

In this case, it wasn’t that I wanted the Comet and the followup, the vibrating Comet II.

I wanted to love them the way that other people did. The way that people loved the Pure Wand.

Perhaps I should have known better.

Why wasn’t my love affair meant to be? Perhaps it’s because the curve of the Comet II is so round. I guess I prefer an angle. And the shaft is so rigid. There’s no give at all to make it work with my anatomy. There’s no give or pliability to that 1.5-inch knob at the end.

And if I was built like everyone else, I’m sure I wound love the curve and bulbous head. Most people are going to find this heavenly as the curve pushes the head of the toy directly toward their G-spot rather than just sort of gliding past it like it did with my shallow G-spot.

The buzzy vibrations are particularly unacceptable to me considering this is a rechargeable toy. There’s no excuse for them to not be anything other than causes-your-hand-to-go-numb.  Yet, they are. And the vibrating patterns are lackluster and utterly forgettable because of it. Seriously? It’s 2014. What the hell is wrong with you people that this made it off the drawing board let alone the assembly line?

Ugh, okay.

And marketing, packaging (it does come with its own storage bag) and waterproofiness just aren’t going to sway me when a toy doesn’t work for my anatomy. But even if I loved the shape, I would likely be disappointed by the vibrations. Especially because there’s a single continuous vibrating mode. That’s it. Not even a confusing high-medium-low. You can’t go up or down. Well!

If you’ve read reviews from anyone who has tried both, you’ve likely head that while the Comet II does add vibration to the design, it doesn’t do so in a way that makes both of them necessary. In fact, I would argue that the shallow vibes are so insignificant that they don’t warrant even the price jump between the two. This is especially true because the motor replaced the translucent part of the handle with plastic that is much tackier looking in my not-so-humble opinion. The glass looked much prettier. It might have been weightier, but I don’t have the original to compare.

Okay, so what might you like? The silicone has a bit of drag to it. Good for g-spots, maybe? If yours give a second thought about that kind of thing. I personally like that the entire length of the Comet II is less than the Pure Wand, which curled right into my belly button in the weirdest way. Like, how do other people even use it? There’s a knobby end on the Comet II where the button is, easy to use. Others have complained about it being a bit hard to grasp, however. Certainly, the slickness of lube makes it more difficult, but it’s not like this wasn’t an issue with the Pure Wand.

I can’t bring myself to love the Comet II, but I am the exception and not the rule. You might want to check out Epiphora’s favorable review of this vibrator.

10 Comments

Categories: Reviews, Vibrators

So Silicone Dildo by Marc Dorcel

June 29th, 2014

So Dildo by Marc Dorcel from

This is an archived review of a discontinued toy.

I’ve had my eye on items in this line for a while. I think it’s because the product images are all weirdly Photoshopped, so I could never quite tell everything I wanted to from photos. For example, this dildo looks almost like plastic. It reminds me of some sort of plastic toy that I had a child. I remember it has some sort of “bones” with joints and you could bend it to keep its shape.

So every time I look at this dildo, I imagine that’s what it’s like.

It’s not. But that’s what I imagined.

To be honest, it might have been better to have some sort of bones. Because what the So dildo is.. is just a giant hunk of silicone. Thicker on one end by far, thinner on the other. You could argue that it offers versatility but, wait! Nope. It doesn’t. The silicone is so soft that the thin end is virtually floppy. It makes it harder to use, and means you’re using the floppy end as a handle if you take the larger side. You can see all the sad clown faces. It’s like Dali’s “The Persistence of Memory.”

Hypothetically, if the silicone were more firm/dense in the thinner neck, this would be a functional dildo — and a more affordable alternative to the Njoy Eleven, which is essentially the same design with an extra ridge on the thicker end of the shaft. If the Eleven is too big for you, the softer silicone might be easier handle, but it’s still large.

I’ll be honest, it’s too large for me to comfortably insert without previously having sex. Even working up to it with other toys is a hassle, and the overly flexible neck (I’m not the only one who’s noticed ) doesn’t help. At its thickest — at the corona —  this dildo is wider than the 1.5 inches stated on SheVibe. A measuring tape comes up with 6 inches exactly around The head isn’t exactly round at the lip that provides G-spot stimulation. So it’s more like 1.75 inches at the widest and a bit more narrow arrow the dildo. The silicone is firmest here in the toy. This makes it more difficult to take than you might guess.

The matte silicone will likely take a lot of lube, and those poorly ‘shopped photos (I know! I’m using one but I so desperately need a nap. I cannot help it!) make it look smoother. This is not the case. In person, in fact, this reminds me a bit of the Fun Factory Curve. That’s a better dildo, hands down. Legs up (in the air). Whatever.

The rounded head makes way for a smooth shaft that gently bends for a very lazy “S” shape. On the other end is a smaller head with 2 ridges along the shaft. The size allows for a more noticeable G-spot “hook.” It’s significantly smaller with a diameter of just. The neck is something more like 1 inch in diameter at the thinnest. And this dildo tops out at 9 inches with a weight that’s no doubt less than the Eleven but more than I want to deal with on a regular basis and especially not for a dildo that wasn’t designed with things like, you know, physics in mind.

Marc Dorcel, whoever he made be (okay, Wikipedia says he’s a French dude who makes porn. I hope it’s better than his sex toys), packaged this in a cardboard box with plastic tray. No storage or anything memorable. Wash your silicone dildos with soap and water for two minutes while humming “Twinkle Twinkle Little Star” Or is that brushing teeth? Whatever. A run through the dishwasher, bleach wipe or 3-minute boil would get it cleaner.

But I don’t think I recommend actually using this for sex stuff. Just use it to hit your stupid UPS driver or smack the wall when the neighbor in the next apartment over is too loud. Maybe a toy for your dog to play fetch.

11 Comments

Categories: Dildos, Reviews

That Time I Broke My Tooth During Sex

June 20th, 2014

I don’t have many crazy sexual stories. I like to have sex in bed for no reason other than it’s comfortable. I like being comfortable.

I also like occasionally getting slapped, and the bartender doesn’t mind obliging.  The last time we had sex, we enjoyed an open-palmed hit to my face. Later that day, I enjoyed some dinner with my little sister, but my mouth felt strange. I have one tooth that sometimes scratches my inner cheek because it’s sharp, and it feel like this was happening.

Upon investigation, part of it crumbled right off. My dentist confirmed that this tooth — my wisdom tooth — had broken. I am waiting for an extraction appointment. In the meantime, it doesn’t hurt. Thankfully. Though, I did spit out more pieces of tooth the other day.

The tooth was already in poor shape due to it being a wisdom tooth that there was never room for to begin with. It would eventually have broken; although, I’m sure the bartender helped it along.

And now I’m getting taken care of, which is just fine. However, I am certainly going to tell this story as that one time when I broke my tooth during sex should anyone ask.

2 Comments

Categories: Everything Else, The Bartender

Minna Limon

June 16th, 2014

Minna Limon
$119.00 from Good Vibes

I don’t think I can write a glowing review for the Minna Limon without writing a scathing paragraph or two about the Minna Ola, which I reviewed over a year ago but I’m not quite sure I was able to express my distaste for this toy then. And it’s only grown since then.

Both the Limon and Ola use ‘touch sensitive’ controls. The harder you squeeze it, the stronger the vibes. In theory, I like this. In practice, it’s a very specific sort of control that’s different from any other toy and when done poorly, well, you have the Ola. The problem with the Ola would simply be solved if the part that you squeeze

  1. Wasn’t a horizontal
  2. Wasn’t “flat”

Because of this design, you have to awkwardly turn your and learn how to use a new toy. Minna should have gone ahead with a bulbous/round squeezy part to begin with. That’s exactly what they did with the tear-drop-esque Limon, and that’s why I love it.  I can comfortable grasp from just about any angle, so there’s no right way to hold the Limon. This makes the vibrator heads and tails more friendly than the first toy from Minna.

Now, within the round part you grasp is a flatter mechanism so you could maybe grab it at exactly the wrong angle and not be able to get good vibes out of it, but this seems pretty unlikely, and it’s much easier to adjust without messing up the point of contact. While the Ola had a specific shape for the G-spit — you’d ideally keep it oriented one way — Limon is, well, lemon shaped. The nodule at the top is kind of nipple-like, and there’s no right or wrong. You can also lie it against your vulva, clit, nipples or what-have-you so you get more pressure from the sides.

The silicone is plush with give, which makes it comfortable to hold, and I can certainly grind right against it without worrying about sharp corners or cutting myself with my sex toys, which I’ve been known to do in the past.

What I really really really fucking love about the Limon is that squeezing doesn’t even need hands. You could squeeze it in your elbow. Or between your partner’s body and your own. Or between your thighs for hands-free stimulation. I don’t think this was the company’s intent, but Minna Limon works extremely well when used like this. Perhaps you couldn’t make it work if your thigh gap is huge, but I can just lie there, position the Limon between my legs and squeeze my thighs about it. It actually reminds me a lot of the sort of thigh squeezing I would do during adolescence when aroused. There’s something reassuring about going back to old ways.

Like Minna’s Ola, Limon has a bit of a learning curve. There are essentially 3 modes:

  • Free
  • Recording
  • Playback

Squeeze harder or play with squeezing and letting go to create a freeform masturbation jam session in the first setting. This is the one I use the most. As per usual, I squeezed the thing like I was The Mountain and it was Oberyn. But I love the option to squeeze and release and create unique pulsations. If you’re the type who maybe likes the unexpected, “recording” a setting like this might be up your alley. It’s more difficult to immitate escalation, but that’s fine by me.

I found your green lantern, Hal Jordan

I found your green lantern, Hal Jordan

With a single button, Limon is easy to use. Turn it on, cycle through the modes and turn it back off. When you turn it on “Minna” lights up beneath the plush silicone. This is cute but not functional.  The light also flashes pretty brightly during charging. I can’t charge this in my bedroom while I sleep. I’d go insane. But you could use it as a freakin’ nightlight.

I’ll be honest — Limon isn’t a surprising little powerhouse.  It’s certainly stronger than some USB-powered toys, but it doesn’t come anywhere near some of the battery-powered toys I’ve used, either. No one would make a comparison with the Hitachi. And the first time I used it, I was pretty impressed with the strength of the vibrations given the size. They’re rumbly-ish.

However, the vibrations seemed much weaker the second time around, like the Limon wasn’t quite holding charge right. I also had a weird issue where it wasn’t quite responding right. I’d had it on for some time (30 minutes?), and it was fine after I turned it off and back on, but it would be worth noting if others run into this. Of course, I could just have a slightly glitchy vibe.

Limon has two magnetic points and comes with a little based to charge. It reminds me an awful lot of the Form 2. However, the magnets are pretty strong, helping to orient the toy and base and keep it in place as it charges. If your cats run over your nightstand, it will fall out of place but it’s not nearly as finicky as other magnetic chargers. Plus, you can use it for storage. I wouldn’t because my cats eat sex toys. There’s a tiny satin bag with it. Good enough for me.

So, there you have it. Yes, I’m a finicky bitch, but yes the Limon passes the test and even surpasses my expectations in surprising ways. Some people are going to need more strength, but the ingenuity of this toy makes up where vibrations lack for the Limon in my book.

11 Comments

Categories: Reviews, Vibrators

Get up to 30% off at MysteryVibe

I’m So Glad I’m Not You

June 12th, 2014

This post isn’t going to be a positive one, and that’s okay.

Today, a Facebook friend is going through a very public breakup with her husband and father of her children.  He suddenly informed her that he was unhappy and leaving. She publicly posted the ended of their relationship.

Then, she discovered he has been in appropriately messaging another woman, and her good friend publicly tagged the husband, the woman who was participating in these messages and that woman’s fiance. So when said woman who may or may not be having an affair with her husband tried to contact my friend, my friend posted on Facebook about it as though it was shocking.

From the get-go, I looked at this and thought Facebook wasn’t the place to air her dirty laundry. Since then, she has received many comments lauding her for being strong and none that I’ve seen warning her away from such a public display. Especially because this isn’t the first time he has done this.s

Yes, it’s her right to have feelings and to answer with honesty the questions posed to her. However, she doesn’t have to do it in a public place.

It goes beyond there, however. The whole thing reminds me of the relationship drama I experienced fifteen years ago — when I was 13. It’s not something that an adult does. It’s petty and childish. It’s not about being healthy, moving on or learning lessons, and while people certainly need time to experience their grief and sadness when a relationship ends, they need not to wallow in it. And they need support from their friends not to do that.

It’s almost 5 in the morning and my thoughts are no longer as clear as I want them to be, but I know that I tried to go through my own divorce with my head held high and my Facebook posts positive.  At the end of the day, I didn’t want to have to go back and delete things that made me look immature or petty, and I sure as hell didn’t want to give my ex the benefit of seeing how torn up I was.

 

2 Comments

Categories: Everything Else

Reprieve

June 5th, 2014

my pussy’s wet, like wet enough to use that two-inch thick dildo that’s just been taking up space in my nightstand. he’s been spanking my ass for 20 minutes, and while I can’t see it I have no doubt that it’s bright cherry red. now his hand rests on my backside and I can’t tell what’s hotter, my scorched ass or the body heat radiating from his hands. it hurts but it also feels so good and that’s exactly why my pussy’s wet.

he knows it like he always knows. my underwear has long been discarded on the floor and he take this opportunity to introduce his hand to another sensitive part of my body. I feel his fingers first one and then two slipping between the creases of my labia. he glides them so skillfully inside me that I can’t help but wonder how he would have fared as a surgeon. but my thoughts quickly return to the here and now.

and first his finger seem like they’re not looking for any particular place. they’re rubbing up and down and back and forth. he makes sex feel unnecessary with his fingers inside my vagina as his thumb mirrors the motion on my clit. I instantly find myself almost pushing my body down his lap to get closer to fingers.

he’s consistent and begins rubbing my clit in earnest. his fingers stop their probing and migrate toward my g spot. it is here where he begins his expert manipulation of my most sensitive part. he knows how to stroke my g spot, almost milking it until I ejaculate.

he places his other hand at the small of my back pressing down so that my body is limited in what it can do in response to his ministrations. I wiggle against his touch anyway as I feel my orgasm building. he’s made me cum like this many times before but every time it feels a little different. The tension increases as just my heart rate and I can hear my breathing becoming more ragged.

I can feel my orgasm approaching and I moan his name the way I know he likes right before I come. my mouth makes a sound like a guttural primal noise as I feel the muscles in my vagina contract as my orgasm finally arrives. it subsides just as quickly and then he returns his attention back to my ass, the color of which surely faded while he was focusing elsewhere.

Comment

Categories: Stories

Bijoux Indiscrets cosmetics for better sex

Packaging — Worth the Price?

May 29th, 2014

AKA the reasons I hate bulky, “luxurious” packaging.

A box inside a box (with a bag inside!)

A box inside a box (with a bag inside!)

A few years back — man, have I been at this for a while — every review of a high-end item seemed to shout the praises of beautiful packaging. And for a while, I was pretty impressed, too. When I pure received my Pure Wand, I was impressed with the box and the layer of pink satin into which the dildo nestled. But that was almost five years ago, and I’ve since changed my tune. I think other people have, too.

Originally, luxury packaging indicated that companies were paying more attention to detail. If it was a non-porous material or made to the highest standards, it probably had to come in a big box. But this is no longer the case. In fact, some companies ship their wonderful toys simply in plastic bags. Don’t be surprised if you purchase an awesome dildo from Naughty but Nice and packaging is minimal. After all, this doesn’t effect use.

More people are coming to that realization, I think. They realize that, at the end of the day, luxury packaging doesn’t make a bad toy good. In fact, it may only increase the disappointment when you open an exquisite box to find a lackluster toy. Not only that, but it can take away from the time spent developing a luxury — or even a functional — sex toy. Years ago, people discussed Tantus’ now-defunct Alumina line. The price seemed high for dildos, and someone created a poll. The resounding answer was that more people would have purchased the products with a cheaper price tag because the company sacrificed the packaging, instead.

But packaging always makes a toy more expensive.  And perhaps that’s the point. When you charge more, you create a niche market for yourself. We’re luxury you say. Other items are just functional. Isn’t it time that people ask what’s wrong with being functional? It’s difficult not to wonder whether companies are paying too much attention to packaging and not enough to the toy itself. A pretty sex toy really isn’t worth a higher price if it doesn’t get me off. There is no exception to this rule.

Luxury packaging also irks me for a few more reasons.

  • It’s often not easily recycled or disposes off. Cardboard and bags? Most people have no problem with that. Mixed materials, PVC and other materials become harder to dispose of.
  • This sort of packaging calls attention to itself, which is less-than-discreet when it comes to recycling in community containers. Many people use these.
  • Luxury packaging is bulky, which makes it more difficult to store. Does a toy really need a big box and a storage pouch? The problem only increases when you’ve own a dozen Lelo toys or more. I’ve thrown out more boxes than toys I currently own. Seriously.
  • Bulky packaging can increase the cost of shipping.

However, this isn’t the way that everyone feels. Perhaps I am just jaded as a sex toy reviewer but some people want more companies to go the way of Lelo. Other people like boxes as storage. Still, more sex toy owners enjoy the attention to detail. Some people like them for gifts. Others find creative ways to reuse packaging.

While it certainly wouldn’t be feasible for companies to provide two sets of packaging, it isn’t impossible to create classy packaging that’s discreet but nice enough to use as a gift without sacrificing the ability to recycle it. However, the process to attract high-end consumers should come only after you have a solid product and not if the price increase will cut into your market share.

10 Comments

Categories: Articles

Image © MisterUnlucky; used with permission.