Symphony Massager

August 6th, 2010

Symphony massager

Symphony massager
N/A from

This is an archived review of a discontinued toy.

This month’s (okay, last month’s, I guess) Sexpert toy from California Exotics is the Symphony Massager. It’s true to its name (massager) and discretely looks nothing like a sex toy at all. In fact, as I sit here gazing at it, I find it difficult to describe the type of toy it is. There’s a nod, to some high-end toys, like the Form 6 or even one of the Lelo toys, except the Symphony Massager isn’t dual-ended, and I have no desire whatsoever to insert it.

A few of the basics. This is a plastic toy. It has a velvety finish. It comes in lavender (what I have) and white. It measures 8″ from tip to tip, and you can insert a little under 4.5.” The widget varies: the ends are wider than the center, with the handle end being wider than the insertable end, which is ovular (not a perfect circle) and has a circumference of 4.75.” The thinnest part of the insertable portion has a circumference of 3.25.”

The vibrations are focused at the insertable. Oddly enough, there is a little dimple on the top of this end. I guess it could be used for clitoral stimulation, but I think it’s kind of useless because then the angle of the toy would make it curve away from your body. I prefer toys that mimic the curve of my pubic bone, I guess. The angle on this toy is really unique and quite high. If I set the toy on a flat surface so it rests on either tip, I can slip four fingers into the open area created by the angle (under the toy). That really has no significance, but I think it’s fun and such.

The Symphony Massager uses a single push button to operate. It sits inside another dimple, toward the center of the toy but on the handle end. It’s surrounded by silver, and it sticks up a lot. I say this because I like buttons that are easy to find, and this one is! My nails don’t get in the way. It’s not right next to another equally tiny button. I like it a lot.

When you press this button, you will cycle through several settings: low steady vibration, high steady vibration, short-short-long pulsation, short pulsation, and a weird back-and-forth sort of pulse that I am failing to describe well. If you’re paying attention, then you’ll notice that there is no “medium” setting. I constantly skip to the first pulsation setting because I want something stronger. It’s a force of habit that is hard to break and California Exotics might due better to just stick to what has worked thus far.

Because the Symphony Massager runs on 2AAAs the vibrations are buzzy and the pulsation lacks “oomph.” This is the kind of toy that mostly makes me tingle a little, but then I reach for something stronger, as I did. I cannot recall if I got off from this because it does have a broader surface, which I like externally. If I did, I wasn’t much impressed.

Now, I didn’t bring this anywhere near my internal organs. For one, it just doesn’t seem like an internal toy to me. Secondly, there is a ridiculous seam running through the plastic, all the way around. Needless to say, this isn’t anywhere close to waterproof, nor would I ever recommend sharing it without some sort of gamma-ray.. stuff. Either plastic piece of this toy seems to be melted together in two locations on the insertable part. I’m not sure if it’s supposed to melt seamlessly the whole way or if it just connects at those points but.. it’s weird. It seems cheap, and while many would not be able to feel it in use, it ‘s just not something I want inside me.’

It’s funny that the pieces would be so far apart because the battery pack is tight. I think CEN used all the recalled China shrink cream on this because wow, just wow! You have to turn the cap to the correct position to unlock it and pull it off. Be prepared to give a forceful yank and have your batteries fly in your face to fully remove it. Then you might chuckle because the is, indeed, a plastic O-ring in there. The same move in reverse replaces the cap.

My verdict, as you can see, is this is not the toy for me. Were the quality better, it’d be a decent, basic toy–inexpensive, potential versatile, easy to use and varied. Now, it just feels cheap.

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Best Lesbian Erotica 2010

July 30th, 2010

Best Lesbian Erotica 2010

Best Lesbian Erotica 2010
$11.99 from Amazon

It took me forever to finish Best Lesbian Erotica 2010. I am now 100% positive that I can never be 100% satisfied with lesbian erotica. Or full-length erotica, at that. I wish it hadn’t taken two full anthologies to realize that, however.

I would describe this collection much the same way I described last year’s. There’s lesbian sex. Group sex. Oral, anal, penetration. Gender-bending. Roleplaying. Fantasies. BDSM and more. Many of the stories included omitted relationships, or at least that is what I assumed from the way they were written. There were some no-strings-attached encounters, and one story even included a first-time lesbian experience, as in “In the Sauna” by Stella Watts Kelley. For the most part, the characters have established their gender and sexual identities. As a mostly straight chick who doesn’t identify with her anatomy, it can be a little difficult to empathize with the characters or situations. I think that detracts from my enjoyment a bit.

It would definitely balance the collection to have a few more first-time or novice-type stories. I could better relate to those, and that would allow me to get lost in the story. As it is, I really had to force myself to finish this book, especially because some of the pieces were ridiculously long and included multiple parts. I was discussing this book with someone else, and it struck me that others may not read erotica to get off, but I do. Thus, the erotica that I find most effective keeps moving, has more overt sex than covert and isn’t so long that it works against my orgasm. Shorter stories also work better to get me in the mood sooner.

Although I’ve started this fairly negatively, it’s not a horrible collection. The stories are unique, well written and well edited. There’s a lot of creativity. I personally had not heard of any of the authors but, like any anthology, you can find additional information about them at the back of the book.

There were a couple of memorable stories, too. Holly Farris wrote a piece entitled “Lives of the Saints” in which two amorous saints visit a woman who experiences doubts about her relationship. Additionally, I was entertained by Kelsy Chauvin’s “Sexting: One Side of a Two-Way.” In this story, we see a number of sexual texts from one woman to another with whom she had an encounter. The timeline stretches over a two-week period, during which the women chat back and forth and have several more encounters. The format is extremely unique and easy to read. I also especially enjoyed “Shameless” by Kimberly Reed and Anais Morten. This two-part piece follows a lesbian couple as they perform in front of a pair of strangers who are men. Each character gets the chance to tell her side of the story as she performs for her lover.

Some stories were simply not my style because they weren’t direct enough or were perhaps too creative for me. I have no idea what actually happened in “Uppercasing” by Charlie Anders. I guess I need my sex and erotica to be a little more straight forward.

Some folks might think that this series may be suffering from a new editor or the fact that a bunch of musicians (Sorry, I’ve never heard of BETTY) chose the stories. Maybe it’s related, but I didn’t love last year’s edition, either. I know that erotica is subjective. You win some, you lose some sort of thing but I also know that really intriguing erotica stays with me permanently. I can name a handful of stories from other collections, including Five Minute Erotica, that have really stuck with me over the past year to eighteen months. I just don’t think this will cut it.

I’m still interested in erotica but I am going to focus on unique situational erotica and shorter stories from this point on.

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Janine’s Cannon Fire Pirates Rabbit Vibe

July 19th, 2010

Janine's Cannon Fire Pirates Rabbit Vibe

Janine's Cannon Fire Pirates Rabbit Vibe
$33 from Pink Cherry

This is an archived review of a discontinued toy.

Lordy, has it ever taken me forever to sit down to this review. If you didn’t guess from the name and picture, this rabbit vibrator is in Digital Playground’s line of Pirates-inspired toys. All of them are extremely artistic, and the thought that went into creation and design is really astounding. I’m not sure why the toys are out now (DVD release, maybe?) but it’s hard to miss them at any retailer.

So let me start by saying that Janine’s Cannon Fire Pirates Rabbit Vibe is heavy on the detail. The base is made of a hard, velvety plastic in a deep rosey pink. On either side is a “decal” featuring a stylized cross between two “ropes.” Around the top of the base, below where the shaft starts, are two rows of orange rhinestones.

And then there’s the shaft in a translucent pink TPE. The first third of the shaft, next to the base, has a stylized pirate skull embossed into it with some surrounding details. We are talking major texture here (although, this portion isn’t insertable with the clitoral stimulator being there and all). The clit stim is, literally, crafted to look like a cannon on a rolling platform with the barrel pointing toward the end the toy. It’s the barrel that will rest against the clitoris during use.The design is a little different from your typical rabbits and the clit stim extends about 1.25″ from the base. Although the sides and back of the cannon have some texture, the part that will actually touch the body is smooth, except for a single ridge that goes around the end of the cannon.

This portion of the shaft ends with an embossed “rope” that encircles the shaft. Then the TPE is smooth for about 1.75.” Behind this portion of TPE, the rotating beads sit and you can see them pretty clearly through the smooth TPE.

The last third of the shaft starts with another embossed rope and, above that, more texture can be found. The head of the shaft is curved, for G-spot stimulation, I’d guess, and stylized so it looks like the curved butt of those old-fashioned pirate pistols. There are swirly lines and a starburst-y pattern, among other textures. Now, don’t think about it too much because you’ll realize it makes no sense for this cannon vibe to have a handle like that and, even if it did, it shouldn’t be on that end. You see, you’d be shooting yourself. But, like I said, pay no attention to logic.

By this point, I’d be halfway done with most of my reviews. The reason I’ve spent so much attention on this detail is simply because there is a lot of it and it will effect your experience. I can’t say for sure whether it will be a negative or positive impact but this is the type of texture that you just cannot miss. I absolutely recommend using a fuckton of lube (water or silicone) with the Janine’s Cannon Fire Pirates Rabbit Vibe to ease insertion and prevent pain.

To add to the texture, this isn’t a tiny vibe. The girth around the smooth portion is 1.59.” It definitely has a decent size, and with the texture around the last third, the girth is probably even a bit larger. There are 4.5″ that you can insert but, I’ll be honest, I thought it felt like so much more. Perhaps because of the girth or texture or because the cannon barrel is shorter than most rabbit clit stims, but it was just so.. there.

Size-wise, I wasn’t really fulfilled. I say that playfully because I definitely was filled, but the size and curve of the shaft weren’t the best to reach my clit, nor was the clit stim super effective. The cannon barrel is a chunk of squishy TPE, so it doesn’t move like rabbit ears, nor can you really get a lot of pressure from it.

The vibrations were also a little lackluster, which I should have known. This will probably be the last toy I get that uses AAAs because they never satisfy me. This rabbit takes 4 (in an easy load type pack, the battery cap screws on, and there’s a prominent O-ring), but the output is just pathetic. When you push the power button, both functions turn on. The shaft and beads rotate simultaneously while the clit stim vibrates. There’s a single button to page through vibration modes (low, medium and high) but the vibes are so high pitched that all the steady modes feel pretty similar and the pulsation modes are nothing to write home about either. There are 7 vibration settings altogether.

The other button adjusts the speed of rotation, of which there are three speeds. There’s also two sort of pulsing rotation settings. That’s pretty unique but it’s overwhelmed by the vibration, size and texture in my opinion. I do not specifically recall if I could stop the rotation with my PC muscles but I wouldn’t doubt it, considering the source. I tend not to try it with larger or super textured toys, though, because it hurts.

The functions are interesting and I have a few thoughts about them. One, when you turn off the toy (with the master power switch), it takes a few seconds for the rotation to stop and it still makes noise while it’s stopping. That’s a bummer. Secondly, you cannot have just the vibrations or just the rotation on. Another bummer. It’s not ridiculously loud though. With both functions on the highest setting, it’s still much quieter than the Miracle Massager and it’s quieter in use, as the body absorbs some of the sound.

Like most rabbits, Janine’s Cannon Fire Pirates Rabbit Vibe is weight and lacks balance. I think the gobs of TPE used to create the details only adds to that, sadly. The long base (the toy is over 10″ long in total) on this one is a bit difficult to use with my short arms. I find that I have to pull the base upwards to grasp it well and this results in the shaft pulling away from any sensitive spots. This is something that frequently occurs with rabbits, however.

Just to cover a few basics, you can easily wash this one with soap and water but will have to carefully scrub around the texture. There is a storage bag included, but the shiny TPE tends to stick on the material during insertion or removal, so it’s not as practical as I’d like.

So, my final thoughts are like this: Digital Playground has created some really unique movie merchandise, but, like most movie merchandise, I feel like Janine’s Cannon Fire Pirates Rabbit Vibe would be better left in its box, on the mantel shelf than actually put to use. In fact, some true movie merchandise might have been more useful than sex toys.

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Love Bumper Iceberg

July 10th, 2010

Love Bumper Iceberg

Love Bumper Iceberg

Love Bumper no longer appears to exist, but you can buy similar sex position pillows from Liberator. Try the Axis Wedge, which has a slot for your favorite toy.

The Iceberg, by Love Bumper, was my first sex pillow. People love Liberator position pillows, even though they seem so simple. Folks are always talking about them and claiming that they really improve their sex lives, so I requested to review this one.

Initially, I was shocked by how firm this is. I wasn’t expecting a fluffy bed type pillow, maybe a thicker couch cushion but the Iceberg is much firmer than that, still. It’ll compress a bit under body weight but it’s pretty sturdy and will definitely give you a boost. The Iceberg came without any packaging or additional information. I Googled the company website for position ideas and there were a few.

The Iceberg is.. sort of four-sided. The bottom and back are straight and meet at a right angle while the longer side on top curves away from the body and the top of this panel meets a fourth, narrow side. Refer to the image to un-confuse yourself. d= The curved side features a small pocket (1 1/2″ x 2-3″) where the user can insert a vibrator. For whatever reason, Love Bumper recommends Lelo vibes but I have no idea what would make those vibes more suitable for this pocket. I used a small, straight vibrator with a bulbous head. Maybe it would work better to use a vibe whose shaft curved similarly to the pillow but I don’t see it being a big deal. What I can say, is that electric vibes probably won’t be ideal, nor would bullet vibes (they’d completely sit inside the pocket and it would be difficult to adjust during use). Any vibe with a button on the end of the base will require you to turn it on before use. A toy with a remote control (wired or wireless) might be your best option.

The body, especially the female body, is meant to press against this side so the vibe offers clitoral stimulation. In use, I found it a bit difficult to comfortably rest against the foam pillow and feet the vibrations for a couple of reasons. First, the angle that provided the best stimulation was hard on my hips because of the firmness of the pillow. Secondly, I’ve got a fleshier mons so the vibe didn’t necessarily get right up against my clit. Your mileage will vary, I’m sure, depending on your anatomy.

The most obvious uses of the Iceberg are to aid rear entry or oral (with the pillow raising her hips). Using the pillow in the same position as oral could also work for edge-of-the-bed (sofa, etc) sex or regular missionary to enhance G-spot stimulation. I tried it for doggy style but honestly found the foam a little too firm for comfort. Combined with personal issues, I haven’t used it as much as I’d like.

However, if I did use it and abused it, I could easily remove the “polysuede” microfiber cover to toss in the wash. It attaches securely via zippers on the sides and velcro on the bottom (in fact, all of the sewing seems pretty quality and the pocket is even lined with a pleather-y material). This part of the Iceberg is available in red or purple. The sides are not removable, however. It’s like likely for these areas to see lubes and liquids but I wish the whole thing had a removable cover. Instead, the material reminds me of pleather. I’d wipe it down with a damp cloth if I needed to, however.

The Iceberg is not a giant pillow. It could fit under some beds or in deep drawers(it’s 13 3/4″ wide and 13″ high at the tallest). You could probably hide it in a closet pretty easily and there’s position for it to be used outside of the bedroom, if you want, so no need to hide it at all.

My first impressions of the Iceberg by Love Bumper do leave me a little wanting. I will definitely have to give it a few more tries before making my mind up for good, though.

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Solar Bullet

July 3rd, 2010

Solar Bullet

Solar Bullet
$25.91S from Amazon

The Solar Bullet from California Exotics is something that several sites offered up for review–and I passed over–before I knew I was going to be reviewing it for the manufacturer. You see, I’m not a huge fan of bullet vibes to begin with (I already have one that I like just fine) and the concept seemed more novel than practical for me. But it did show up at my door, and try it out, I did.

The Solar Bullet was actually charged, which is neat. There’s a little blue light on the control pack/charger that indicates this status. I believe it needs 8 hours to fully charge and it doesn’t need OMG sunlight. I set it on my printer to charge, without ever opening my blinds. You can use other light sources, too.

So the charger is a mostly, flat solar cell type thingy in plastic. There’s a sliding button to control vibrations. The button’s a little retro, in my opinion, but it functions just fine. The pack itself is much bigger than the battery packs I’ve used for other bullets and it’s bigger than my cell phone as well. It doesn’t quite fit nimbly in the palm of a person’s hand but I understand it has to be that size for this concept to work at all.

Well, sort of.

You see, the solar bullet isn’t any more powerful than those wireless bullets that rely on watch batteries and they don’t have any bulky attachments. The vibrations are extremely high pitched so while there’s an initial tingle, my body becomes unable to feel them at all within a minute. That just doesn’t cut it for me.

I’m not a huge fan of the design, either. The Solar Bullet is very narrow hard plastic shape, even moreso than any of the watch-battery bullets I’ve had with other toys, if I recall correctly. It would probably fit into some of those cock rings that take replaceable bullets, if you have a need. Other than that, I like my surfaces to be broader and flatter and.. more usable. For some unknown reason, there is a tiny light at the tip of the solar bullet. I don’t know if it’s plastic or glass but I have this secret fear of breaking the clear casing and slicing through my clit. Yea, no… Not a good visual. Even if it didn’t make me fearful, I just don’t understand the point. Don’t lotsa people like to use the very tip of the toy? This pretty much means you cannot do that.

Needless to say, I really didn’t spend enough time with the Solar Bullet to run it dry. I really like the idea but it just doesn’t work for me in the real world. Unless you’re into collecting novel toys, skip this one.

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Masturbation Methods

July 1st, 2010

Question for the female bodied folks. When stimulating your clitoris, do you go for direct clitoral stimulation, indirect stimulation (such as through panties/clothes or your labia) or broad stimulation that may include direct stimulation but doesn’t have to?

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Bijoux Indiscrets cosmetics for better sex

Ultimate Satisfier

June 24th, 2010

Ultimate Satisfier - Magenta

Ultimate Satisfier - Magenta
N/A from

This is an archived review of a discontinued product.

I continue my quest for the perfect dual stimulator, and a toy with the word “Ultimate” in its name ought to be pretty close, don’t you think? The Ultimate Satisfier adds a handle to the mix, something that many other vibrators lack. There is an extremely similar toy by PHS International with the exact same clitoral stimulator and handle. However, the insertable portion is a copy of the shaft of the Fun Factory Curve. I enjoyed the Curve and wasn’t so sure the ridges on the Ultimate Satisfier would be as pleasurable because of my recent experience with some ridges.

I’ve reviewed many similar sex toys so I thought I’d sum it up a little quicker than usual.

The Pros:

  • This toy is probably the best fit I’ve found for my anatomy, yet. The curve between the internal and external portions nearly hugs my pubic bone. It’s almost perfectly curved/angled.
  • The clitoral stimulator is 1.5″ in length, long enough to actually reach my clit.
  • The ridges on the shaft give the impression of some girth while the diameter is only 1.19″.
  • It’s made of hygienic, non-porous silicone (I flame tested), and the insertable portion is firm enough for consistent G-spot stimulation and possibly some thrusting.
  • The handle is more maneuverable than it appears.
  • The push-button, super-long bullet vibrator has multiple speeds and relies on a standard AAA battery rather than watch batteries. You can actually feel the difference between the levels, too.
  • The toy is waterproof, and the bullet has a prominent O-ring next to the battery cap.
  • It costs less than $25.

But there are a few cons, too:

  • I couldn’t necessarily feel the ridges on the insertable portion.
  • The clitoral stimulator is thinner and more flexible to give me the pressure I like.
  • The handle, while useful for G-spot stimulation, didn’t work quite so well for clitoral stimulation.
  • The vibrations are hard to feel externally because 1 AAA battery just does not provide a lot of power. The vibrations are also quite buzzy, rather than deep.
  • The shaft does not have much of a curve, so I imagine it just won’t reach all G-spots.
  • Because the long bullet extends into the internal shaft, you can’t bend it to reach any particular spot. This was actually a little uncomfortable/painful on some occasions.
  • The silicone is the shiny/sticky sort. Water-based lube is probably a must for many people.
  • There is a visible and tangible-to-the-finger seam that runs around the entire toy.

Everything else:

Because this vibrator “fits” so well, it has the potential to be a hands-free toy. Of course, your range of motion and use will be limited with the handle sticking out. It’s versatile enough to use for vaginal/perineum stimulation and can be inserted anally as well because the shape will prevent it from getting lost.

While the Ultimate Satisfier is really close to what I need, it’s not quite the ultimate toy to satisfy me. The composition of silicone is kind of.. strange. I don’t think I’ve used any other toy with this shiny and dense silicone. It doesn’t feel as nice as velvety silicone that I’m used to.

It worked well enough internally, but the clitoral stimulator just didn’t have enough pressure for it to be a true dual stimulator. I already own several toys that are just as, if not more, successful at making me squirt, but that doesn’t mean the Ultimate Satisfier won’t work well for someone who has a more sensitive clit.

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Image © MisterUnlucky; used with permission.