Santa Duckie

December 11th, 2009

Santa Duckie

Santa Duckie
N/A from

This is an archived review of a discontinued product.

Most people I know consider the I Rub My Duckie line to be cute. I do. I don’t lust over every single piece, but it’s cute, and I own two: the Paris Duckie and, now, the Santa Duckie. Actually, there is something about the design of the Santa duckie that really appealed to me, much more than most of the other designs, despite the fact that it’s only the mini, travel-sized version (which I have thus far avoided). I definitely think the fact that it comes in a functional Christmas tree bulb holder is part of that draw. After spending a bit of time with the vibrator, I can’t say I will rush out to buy every other duckie, but I can say that I like it a lot. It’s cute but also more practical than I would have guessed.

As I mentioned, the packaging of this duckie is a bit more thought out than other versions. The whole thing is in a plastic box with different snowflakes printed on the front and sides. Inside this sites a tray where the Christmas bulb rests. The front half of the bulb is clear with more snowflakes and the back is solid blue, creating a backdrop for the duckie. The bulb is topped off with a red bow and a silver string which means it could be hung on a tree, if you’re into that sort of thing.

At first, I was disappointed because there were two pieces of tape that seemed to hold the two sides of the bulb together, but those were only there for extra support. When together, the bulb actually has a short, threaded neck on top onto which screws a silver plastic cap that mimics the metal caps on the top of actually Christmas bulbs (this is also where the box and hanging string attach). Without the tape, the globe still stays whole but it’s a bit more secure with the tape on the bottom. In fact, the duckie is uber-secure as there are a couple of places where there are twisty tries threaded through and then taped, just the way Barbies are secured in their boxes.

Of course, the Duckie himself has a bright red suit and hat, complete with black belt and fluffy trim. Although the entire thing is hard PVC, the white parts are textured to look fuzzy. There is quite a bit of texture on the Santa Duckie from his clothes to his wings, break and other body parts. There are a few mostly smooth pieces but there’s no entirely smooth, spacious surface like most vibrators.

Once out of his box, I immediately felt that the more compact size of the Santa Duckie, as compared to my regular-sized one, would be beneficial. That might be slightly detrimental if you want him mostly for decoration purposes, but it just seemed less bulky to me, more like the size of a clitoral vibe like Laya Spot. For me, the tail was the best surface to actually press against my body as it is somewhat broad and there are no immediate obstructions from the shape of the toy. This allowed me to apply firm pressure with the duckie. The tail also comes to a rounded point for those who might prefer a pinpoint sensation.

Besides size, the Santa Duckie has different controls and battery requirements than a regular duckie. The battery compartment is covered by a small plastic cap with a straight indentation to unscrew it. A knife, screwdriver or possibly even fingernail could be used without too much difficultly. Inside is room for a single AAA battery, rather than the AA batteries that they regularly use. I was quite surprised by how much power this lone battery can put out. I think the size reduction actually means that more of the vibrations can be felt. The regular-sized duckie seemed to absorb more vibrations even though it had a stronger power source. The vibrations are a little buzzy and there’s very little variation, if any, but I found them to be sufficient because I could apply pressure.

The control is a knob like the ones which control the burners on my stove. Turning it clockwise (looking at the duck’s belly, head toward the top) turns on the vibrations. The knob can only turn about a quarter of a circle and it kicks in at about half of that distance. Unfortunately, the style makes it seem like the vibrations are adjustable, but they feel pretty much the same to me, even if I turn it as far as possible.

The Santa Duckie is pretty loud for its size and strength, however. Definitely loud enough to be heard in the same room but probably safe to use in the shower or with the door closed. Sometimes I can also hear the battery rattling inside which adds to the noise factor.

During play, I used him through my panties (which I sometimes do with the Layaspot). That will probably be how I play because I do not like the idea of having to clean fluids from him. This duckie’s belly has many embossed words and indentations that could easily pick up liquids but would require a toothpick to fully clean. If these words are completely necessary (and they’re not; most of them are promotions for the company), a tiny informational packet would be a much better option. Even the helpful stuff isn’t really needed. I could easily figure out how to open the battery compartment and turn this thing on without instructions.

I’m happy to say that this duckie performed well underwater. Not a drop made it into the battery compartment, which is more than I can say for my Paris Duckie. So take him in the shower or bath as much as you want. On the not-so-bright side, he doesn’t float upright. Santa Duckie floats pretty much every other way than right side up, but I can live with that.

Even after my first use, I was surprised with the Santa Duckie. I haven’t played with many clitoral toys lately, and my focus on squirting has meant fewer orgasms in general. Santa Duckie reminded me what masturbating used to be like and took me through a session of multiples. He is definitely a better duckie than my Paris Duckie; although, he probably won’t replace my Layaspot.

5 Comments

Categories: Reviews, Vibrators

Kookie Riding Crop

November 17th, 2009

Kookie Riding Crop

Kookie Riding Crop
$24 from Babeland

This is an archived review of a discontinued item. You can try this silicone crop or Sportsheets crop, instead.

Riding crops are sleek. I’ve never been an equestrian but so are horses. I suppose someone thought the same thing about humans to adapt the tool.. Or maybe not. Just a conjecture.

I do know a bit more about playing with riding cops after playing with my very first one, the Kookie Riding Crop from Babeland. I know that the Kookie Crop is made of a handle attached to a nylon-covered shaft, which is then secured to a piece of folded-over leather to make the tongue. The handle is made of a firm plastic or silicone piece, which is textured and has a lightly engraved diamond pattern, which makes it easy to hold even under slipper circumstances. The braided cover of the rod is secure and neat, and the leather of the tongue is thin, unfinished on the inside (although I’m not sure why anyone would be feeling it other than for review purposes), and sewn in an arc around the shaft with contrasting thread. At its widest, it’s only 1.5″ wide and the thin “neck” of that piece is then further secured by a thin piece of string which is wrapped countless times around the tongue and shaft. It seems like the string was then treated with something to make it quite hard and firm. Overall, the quality is decent. For only, $18, this seem to be a good starter crop that will like a while, if not forever.

I was a bit surprised at the overall length of this crop, admittedly. I expected something a bit longer and a quick glance at a variety of crops shows that many are in the 24″-25″ range. However, the Kookie Crop is not far off at 18.5″ in length. I do think the slightly shorter shaft makes it a bit less flexible than other crops. I’m not positive because I’m quite the amateur in this; it just seems like a longer shaft would allow for a bit more flexibility but it could just seem that way. Either way, the tongue can be pulled back about 30 degrees – which seems to be a good amount of flexibility without becoming floppy – and then released to flick. That flick is definitely noticeable but, because of the length, this method seems to work better, the closer I am to the target and it certainly cannot be used too far away because the crop simply won’t reach.

Of course, I was surprised at other methods this toy can be used. The generic method is to simply flick a wrist at arm’s length but my pathetically weak wrists couldn’t deliver a blow nearly as powerful as using my whole arm. This was the method I had to use to get a good feel of the crop when using it on myself. I guess that’s good news for those solo BDSMers; you can easily bend yourself over and swing away. My experience was that swings focusing more on the leather-only part of the tongue were less intense than swings that involve the end of the shaft.

I was actually quite surprised at the range of sensation provided by the Kookie Riding Crop when used in the traditional manner. It can be used to simply tap, not cause any pain at all. Even my medium to strong strikes were bearable (at least on my ass), the marks outlasting the pain by far. The feeling would be more intense on more sensitive parts, of course, but it could be used comfortably on the vulva area, I think. I found the aftermath provided a sort of warmth and hypersensitivity to the area struck. Actually, I might be more of a masochist than I knew because that feeling is great! The feel of the strike itself feels much like a slap and stings like one as well.

Alternatively, one could focus on using just the edge of the tongue with a quick back and forth motion which feels more like frictional (I had to look up that adjective; wouldn’t frictious sound better?) rubbing. It’s not quite intense and becomes like an uncomfortable chafing after prolonged exposure. Lastly, the handle can be used for impact, like sort of a makeshift cane. The blows from the handle definitely feel heavier. I suppose that is what it meant when one describes “thuddy” impacts. I imagine this method would more quickly result in bruises, and it’s the type of pain I definitely do not like in any sense, although some surely do.

Of course, the stiff leather tongue wasn’t nearly as fun to run over the skin for general sensation play. Other toys with suede, premium leather or even fur are better for that. The handle could be used for penetration but it’s thin enough that it would leave me unimpressed unless there was a specific goal that I am not creatively enough endowed to think of.

When it comes to wielding a crop, I was definitely impressed. This lightweight instrument is so completely easy to use and really isn’t taxing at all. I completely understand the description on the product page when it says it “will have you betting to see which lasts longer–your arm or their ass.” I also love the slapping sound, which makes it fun for striking all sorts of things when a partner is blindfolded to make them jump. There’s lots of potential for mind fuckery. It’s a treat for the eyes as well, leaving quite the skin bright red without much effort at all.

Overall, the Kookie Riding Crop is a steal. It does what it advertises well but doesn’t do much more. I’m not sure why Babeland needs to ship it in a giant, 3″ long prism box, however. It dwarfed the lonely crop inside (which I do not believe was further packaged, nor did it have any tags/info) and I’m sure there are smaller, less wasteful ways to send it – like a poster tube, perhaps.

2 Comments

Categories: BDSM, Reviews

Afterglow Candle (Cucumber Water)

October 4th, 2009

Afterglow Candle (Cucumber Water)

Afterglow Candle (Cucumber Water)
N/A from

This is an archived review of a discontinued product.

In my latest review of Jimmyjane’s Little Embers Massage Candles Set, I mentioned I was impressed by their packaging. I don’t want to inundate you by repeating that but, if anything, I was even more impressed with the packaging and presentation of the full size Afterglow candle.

The Afterglow candle comes in a paperboard box designed in white, grey and a seafoam-ish green. Overall, it’s clean and neat. This houses a paperboard construct which holds the candle and other implements steady. If you pull the entire thing out of the box, the construct folds away for easy access. I believe my instructions and other info was stuck to the top of the box to begin so, when I opened it, I saw the candle first. The candle sits on a box of stick matches and there is a pocket in the holder where an applicator brush sits. Once again, the attention to detail is immaculate.

The candle itself is in a cube-ish, frosted glass holder and, like my Little Ember candles, is sealed on top. During shipping, the candle must have been on its side because the uber soft wax has definitely shifted. The Afterglow is so soft it’s difficult for me to call it solid; it’s one of those in-betweens like jelly. I could dip in my fingers and use it like lotion, if I wanted. Because of the softness and shifting, the white wick was a bit difficult to find and I had to clear the area directly around the wick to light it. I know Juliettia had a similar candle and she had to dig into hers to find it. Mine wasn’t quite so difficult but, honestly, I’d forsake the all natural wick for a bit of dye so that I could actually see it.

All this playing with the wax allowed me to smell the scent. I chose Cucumber Water because I generally find cucumber to be refreshing, and the “water” part sounded even more so. I was surprised at just how floral the scent was at all. I wasn’t expecting that at all, from the name. There was a crisp, wet smell but the cucumber was effectively drowned out for the floral smell. After lighting, however, the scent is more balanced. It’s still extremely strong and a scent which I don’t love. The smell was noticeable in my living room and even overpowered my air fresheners (which I’d just changed). After having the candle lit for only a few minutes (10, tops), I had a headache. I think I would better appreciate the strength of the scent were it something I liked more.

I must say that the candle looks quite sophisticated and classy when list. The flame produces a yellow glow inside the frosted glass and these candles could double as decor and ambiance setters, too.

There’s not much to say about the matches except that the box is designed nicely and it certainly adds to the flare of the candle. The smell of sulfur is quite overpowering, initially, but I don’t frequently use matches. I will probably use a lighter with these candles from now on.

After only a few minutes, the soft wax had pooled into usable massage oil. I tested a little on my arm, first, because my experience with the Little Embers made me cautious. I had no issues with the wax being hot at all. In fact, it was probably a little cooler than I expected. The oil was rather thin (thinner than most massage products I’ve used) and slick, which makes for gliding one’s hands over the skin quite easy. It wasn’t sticky in the least and absorbed completely into the skin, leaving no residue.

Although the candle comes with a brush to apply, it certainly makes more sense to pour the oil straight onto the skin. You can better control how much and go for more right away if you want. You’re also losing less product to the brush itself, which becomes somewhat hard after the oil dries back into wax. I’m not a fan of a lot of upkeep so I will likely toss the brush. However, the square candle holder isn’t ideal for pouring either and, like the Little Embers, the oil dripped down the side.

The information booklet says each 5oz candle will burn for 42 hours but I think it’s important to note that using it for massage oil will obviously detract. It also advises to burn the candle until the wax at the edges has turned to oil or about 30 minutes (to ensure even burning each use). I have probably only burned it for 20 minutes at a time so the edges were not quite melted. I only like to let it burn until there’s just enough oil to use, and it seems like 30 minutes is a bit excessive, especially when you have curious critters or children around.

In general, we used most of the wax that had melted into oil, but when I went to see if any was still melted, it had already hardened. I find it difficult to believe 30 minutes had already passed and suspect that this estimate is also if you let it burn for 30 minutes. While this isn’t a big drawback for me, it might be if you’re into long massages.

Overall, I was impressed with the function and feel of JimmyJane’s Afterglow candle. It looks great, is presented nicely. has a strong smell, melts into wonderful oil, performs admirably and doesn’t leave any sticky residue. However, my experience with Jimmy Jane’s scents seems to be hit or miss, and my next product choice will be made more carefully.

1 Comment

Categories: Archive, Massage, Reviews

Better Than Chocolate

September 21st, 2009

Better Than Chocolate

Better Than Chocolate
$89.90 from Amazon

Let me preface this with a great big thank you to Babeland for allowing me to review this luxury vibrator. I believe I am one of only five reviewers who had the chance, and I definitely appreciate it. Also, pictures will be coming soon. Apparently, something broke.

Jumping right in, I think it’s appropriate to say that anything named Better Than Chocolate had better be leaps and bounds above comparable items if it wants to come anywhere near its claim. I mean, it’s freaking chocolate, right? So I had some pretty high expectations for this vibe by Nomi Tang. It had better look great, be presented well, have all the details covered, be hygienically superior, perform well (including features and ease of use), and do all this in a way that is obviously unique. Let me run down this list and show you how well the Better Than Chocolate did.

Appearance: It’s only right to start with appearance because this is what initially drew me and others to this ergonomic clitoral vibrator. I’m always interested in uniquely shaped clit vibes, and the Better than Chocolate definitely fits the bill. In fact, it is somehow reminiscent of Star Trek and I know I’m not the only one who thinks so. I know I’m going to miss the mark by trying to describe this toy but, from the top, it’s roughly diamond shaped – wider in the center and tapering at either end. From the side, you can see that the wider middle also curves upward and each side curves up more than the rest of the toy, in a wing-like shape, creating a perfect resting spot for your hand while the bottom curves around your pubic mound. If you look at the vibe from either end, it actually looks a bit like a king cobra.

In comparison to other similar vibes, Better Than Chocolate is much larger. It’s definitely wider (2.5″ at its widest), longer (just over 4″) and taller(just under 2.5″) than the Laya Spot (and some people already find that too large for use during sex, so take heed). Their shapes are generally similar but the lines on Better Than Chocolate seem to be more exaggerated. My understanding of Lelo’s Lily and Nea is that they are also much flatter and smaller than the Layaspot so if you’re partial to that size/shape, you might be in for a surprise when it comes to Better Than Chocolate.

The longer end boasts a thin, plastic-covered, white touch censor, which also adds to the Sci-fi appeal, especially when it lights up blue or red. The other end has a small indentation of the power symbol, like a computer’s power button, which clicks the toy on and off but doesn’t add much in terms of visuals.

Available in either fuchsia or blue, Better Than Chocolate is sure to please most.

Presentation and Detail: This luxury vibe is definitely presented well. It comes in a heavy white cardboard box, like Lelo’s boxes, with the Nomi Tang logo in maroon on top (the logo is also printed, smaller, tone-on-tone all over the box). The box flips open from one end like a jewelry box, and the vibe itself sits on a velvet-lined cardboard tray within the box, which adds to the jewelry box feel. The box is also velvet lined and has Nomi Tang printed on the inside top. As is, the box would serve as a nice giftbox, if you gift a Better Than Chocolate vibrator to someone.

Upon removing the vibe from the box and tray, you’ll see it comes with an instruction book, a storage pouch and a message from Nomi Tang printed like a mini greeting card. Like anyone, I’m a fan of storage and because this vibrator is unique, an instruction booklet is a must. Of course, the inventive controls are definitely unique and show care/effort on Nomi’s part. Nomi Tang definitely paid attention to detail with this one.

Hygiene and Material; The booklet says that the surface materials are TPE and polycarbonate. I assume the censor is polycarbonate (a type of plastic), while the rest of the surface is made of TPE. I’m not sure what this means in terms of porosity because the TPE just seems to be a coating over a hard (plastic?) shell but I wouldn’t consider Better Than Chocolate something you can sanitize completely. This also means that Better Than Chocolate is quite rigid. You’d cause some damage if you threw it at someone’s head.

Performance and Features: I was a bit nervous about Better Than Chocolate because it runs on only 2AAAs (and, wouldn’t you know it, I was fresh out). The power button end twists off easily and twists back on very securely, which is important for any waterproof toy (it is!).

One click of the power symbol easily turns on the Better Than Chocolate. It’s easily felt and heard and the “NT” symbol on the touch sensor lights up. It seems that this vibrator starts on its highest setting which might disappoint some because if you’re a glutton for power, the impression is not just a taste of what Better Than Chocolate has to offer; it’s it. I was fairly impressed with the strength of vibration on this one. It’s right up there with the Laya Spot and definitely makes better use of the batteries than many toys. On the other hand, the lower settings are something I’d never have use for.

The vibrations are rather high in frequency but don’t make my hand tickle uncontrollably when holding it. They are focused in the tip but can be felt, mildly, through the rest of the toy. Better Than Chocolate never operates at much more than a low hum which I think is perfectly acceptable.

On to what you all want to know! How is the touch censor? It’s okay. It takes some getting used to. I found that I wanted to press it like a button instead of hold and slide my finger over it but, once I got over that, I quite like it. The censor means you don’t need 8 buttons nor do you have to press one button 8 times. It’s a very efficient way to control a multi-setting toy and I wouldn’t mind seeing use of this type of control more.

When it starts, on high, slide your finger toward the NT symbol to lower the vibrations or do the opposite from low. If you want something other than steady vibrations, hold your finger over the NT until it switches modes. From what I can tell, there are 2 modes: steady vibes, low pulsation and high pulsation. The high pulsation is a very enjoyable, throbbing pulse that surprised me by its power. If you find a setting you really like, you can hold your finger over the opposite end of the censor for 2 seconds to lock it; the NT logo will change to red.

In practice, I thought it would make more sense to increase vibes by sliding toward the logo and I tend to forget this. Also, because it’s a touch sensor, your speed, mode, and even lock status can be changed if something touches the censor on the Better Than Chocolate. My panties, thighs, and blankets changed the settings at one point or another. I think it might have been slightly more logical to make an actual lock switch somewhere on the toy because it’s absolutely necessary with a control as sensitive as this.

Although I will likely not use this vibrator in much water, you can, up to one meter. So if you ever need to get off in the pool or the ocean, go for it. It also means you needn’t be extra careful with cleaning so soap it up all over.

In Use: I found that Better Than Chocolate was just too large, too long. It’s not bulky per se but isn’t palm sized, either. It didn’t fit over my mons as well as I would like so it wasn’t effortless playtime. I don’t see how it would work well during sex at all.

I also found that the vibrating end was just too pointed and hard. I need something a little flatter and wider to provide adequate pressure, but Better Than Chocolate only provides pain if I press. I tried the other end, but the vibrations were much weaker, and this wasn’t any better. On the other hand, I was able to partially insert this vibrator and I found that to be enjoyable. If you like to stimulate the first couple of inches of the vagina and the surrounding area, Better Than Chocolate succeeds there.

I definitely needed to adjust to this vibe rather than use it in my typical way. This also means using lube, which I don’t normally do with clit toys. The TPE is finished soap that it’s sort of velvety, almost feeling like fabric and this creates a lot of friction. But once I applied a dab of lube, it was easy to move the tip of the Better Than Chocolate over, under, and around my vulva and clit.

Payoff: Although I did achieve orgasm, it was difficult and long in coming. After the initial orgasm, however, the following ones were almost effortless and came quickly. When all was said and done, I did feel quite satiated.

Final Thoughts: Nomi Tang’s Better Than Chocolate vibrator is solid and quality but not better than chocolate. It’s unique and, although the touch censor has some way to go before it’s perfect, offers a viable alternative to other vibrator controls. Although it gave me satisfying orgasms, I’d like to see it in a smaller size and perhaps rechargeable. Only then would I consider it to be a truly “luxury” vibe and be able to recommend it whole heartedly, especially at its current price.
Better Than Chocolate Luxury Vibrator Better Than Chocolate Luxury Vibrator Better Than Chocolate Luxury Vibrator

11 Comments

Categories: Reviews, Vibrators

Best Lesbian Erotica 2009

July 15th, 2009

Best Lesbian Erotica 2009

Best Lesbian Erotica 2009
$15.95 from Amazon

As my collection of erotic and “mature education” books grows, I’ve grown, too. I’ve become more aware of my preferences and, hopefully, this will help me determine what items are best for me to buy or review. Unfortunately, despite the fact that I know I like lesbian erotica, I was still disappointed in Best Lesbian Erotica 2009: because it’s not all encompassing lesbian erotica, it is narrowly focused butch/femme erotica.

Let me back up, though. This colourfully bound book called for me ever since I first laid eyes on it. It’s feminine and modern in purple and green (a la Joker, perhaps?) shades which don’t quite match the hair and fingernails of the scantily clad ladies on the cover but that’s okay because it’s still pretty. Really, the colour combination is one which I have always loved so it easily won me over.

It’s also the last edition Tristan Taormino will edit and begins with her foreword which both gives us a glimpse of what is to come in the book and what has come in her life because of her involvement with the series. It’s erotic in its own way, touching and appropriate. Following, is an introduction by Joan Larkin, the one who selected the stories (and as such, the object of my scorn). Following Tristan’s words, the introduction really pales in comparison.

The majority of this book is, of course, 2 dozen tales of girl on girl (and sometimes another girl) action brought to you by names lesser known and names instantly recognizable (such as Rachel Kramer Bussel). They are, undoubtedly, well written and edited; however, they do not necessarily provide “in your face” action. The settings and interactions are both profound and arousing: sometimes profound because they are arousing and sometimes the other way around. I particularly enjoyed, Shanna Germain’s “On Snow-White Wings”, a beach-side tale of how love can surprise a soul to the point of obscuring recognition.

However, the majority of these stories do little to veer from the theme of butch and femme interactions. Although some stories only implied as much, others were laden with stereotypes and pretenses to the point that I would read less than the first page of a story and skip past it thinking “Not another one”. You see, I don’t mind these stories. Many of them were extremely hot. I more than thoroughly enjoyed “Lipstick on Her Collar” by Sachhi Green and expect to enjoy it repeatedly in the future but it was the unique setting of the story: a butch woman serving in the Woman’s Army Corps during Vietnam, who enjoys a roll in the hay with a femme reporter, amidst the war around them (and perhaps, slightly because of it). No, I do not deny that these stories can be great.

I also cannot deny that several stories, in fact, fight those stereotypes. Teresa Noelle Roberts’ “Tough Enough to Wear a Dress” tell a story of a dyke man enough to shed the stereotypes and step out in a burgundy, velvet evening gown. As her femme counterpart explains, people will think she is

a dyke in a costume.. A fabulous, flattering costume–but one that enhances who you are instead of hiding it

What I argue is that they are not the entirety of the lesbian world, as this edition would have us believe. As I am not familiar with previous versions, I cannot say if it is simply this one which reflects upon lesbians so narrowly or if the whole series is at fault but there is a distinct lack of “vanilla lesbian” (I fretted long and hard about the most PC way to illustrate this concept, please forgive if it offends).

Newsflash!

Not all lesbians subscribe to those lifestyles. The lesbian population is not evenly divided in to butch or femme. Some are a little of both. Some are none. Both parties in a lesbian couple can wear lipstick. Silicone does not have to be an extension of ones self, it can simply be a sex toy. And those lesbians aren’t hiding, either. Neither are they any less significant part of the population. So why is it that this book seems to overlook them so?

It’s a shame because some of the specifics within these stories (S&M, shoe fetishes, stranger sex and escorts – just to name a few) are spectacular but I found it impossible to ignore the overwhelming presences of rigid butch/femme stereotypes. Maybe what I want would be considered boring; maybe I’m not “hardcore” enough to appreciate Best Lesbian Erotica 2009. Maybe I want a man’s lesbianism and need to look elsewhere. Maybe, just maybe, I’m right

4 Comments

Categories: Books, Reviews

I Love My Boss

May 26th, 2009

The Boss Naked
N/A from

This is an archived review of a discontinued toy.

..and you can be sure I’ve never had reason to say that before, until now. Unfortunately, the Boss vibrator has some of the same issues as real bosses. Like, there are a couple of different versions, which leads to some confusion. Which is the real boss? Who do I actually report to? I mean, there’s the new Boss Lady in town with her pink power suit. But there are also a couple more bosses who demand your attention. The original boss, even though his position seems to have been liquidated, can still be found stuck in his old-fashioned ways. He seems to be making his presence known, complete with dial-style controls. Finally, some folks like myself are familiar with a sort of transitional Boss. You could say that while he looks more like the old Boss (colour), he acts more like the new one (control type). While some people prefer the old boss, he has been giving his pink slip and the Boss Lady is here to stay.

Like any employer, sometimes the Boss just doesn’t mesh with some folks. There seem to be a lot of issues revolving around opening the battery compartment on both styles. The battery cap pops off from the boss with sort of a partial twist which can be confusing. Furthermore, there have been reports of the Boss not completing all his duties fully or at all. He has failed to vibrate and/or pulsate for some unless they fidget with the battery pack or controls (and sometimes that doesn’t even help) but I think a boss should just do his job. Luckily for me, mine did.

If you’re considering the Boss to get the job done, you’ll notice he comes well-dressed for the job. With his clean lines, defined head and velvety matte texture (which might mean using an extra drop or two of water-based lube), it’s hard to not be drawn to the boss. The Boss has a gentle curve and substantial girth (1-3/5”) so heads up, size queens. With an insertable length of just under 7″, the Boss knows how to dress for success and his overall appearance lured me into cooperation.

But it was his performance that got the best review! Although not the largest toy I own, The Boss feels incredibly filling, even bigger than he is. The silicone is firm enough for thrusting but soft enough that he feels as though he’s conforming to me especially. One of the last toys I tried, while large, never felt filling. If there is one area in which the Boss excels, this is it! Were I to search for the perfect size and shape of cock, I would walk down the line up of cock with The Boss in my hand, comparing, and I cannot help but wonder if anything or anything will compare. I definitely think the texture and shape of the Boss give the impression of a toy bigger than the Boss is but, hey, sometimes you have to know when to fool people into thinking you’re more than you are.

Billed as the perfect G-spot vibe, I didn’t find that he quite hit mine right during solo play but don’t doubt his firmness would make him the right man for the job if someone could intervene for me (damn my short arms). Yet, the Boss isn’t a man so hard you need to be afraid – he has a sensitive side. The Boss is definitely soft and flexible. The top half of the shaft is pure, flexible silicone, while the motor is located toward the middle of the shaft, on the bottom half.

Using the Boss’s flexibility to my advantage has turned this into the perfect dual-stimulation toy. I know he doesn’t look like much of a double-tasker, but being able to bend him upward so that the little clitoral nub makes contact is amazing. Otherwise, I don’t think that little clitoral nub will do much of anything; in fact, that was even the thought I had about it right out of the package. While I’ve used the Boss to get off with the head on my clit, bending him has definitely provided the best orgasms. I find that I can sometimes get into such a rhythm that thrusting him provides stimulation against both my G-spot (the thrusting causes the vibe to curve back in a way it otherwise wouldn’t) and clit, in sequence.

I’m glad, for once, that The Boss proved me wrong. He has proved to be a much harder worker and easier to work with than I would have originally guessed. For instance, I thought he had some control issues, in the beginning. It was difficult to push his buttons to access the multiple levels of vibration and pulsation. My small hands struggled. However, because my grip on the toy was actually reversed when in use, I found the buttons easier to use this way and was soon provided with 7 or so pleasing levels of vibration (provided by 4 AAA batteries). While not the strongest toy in my collection (that pleasure goes to the Miracle Massager), the boss was not disappointing, either, and his 3 levels of pulsation were not the wimpy kind – I definitely felt them deep within. All the while, the Boss used only a suitable indoor voice and you’d never know he was just a room over. I would have to say, however, that the Boss does not perform consistently. The vibes were much stronger near the clitoral bump than the head of the shaft.

Of course, I’m a critical person and I couldn’t help but notice a specific area where the Boss’s traits were over-exaggerated a bit. Rumors about the Boss say that he is good at giving an extra boost to get the job done when it’s really getting down to the line. I was not impressed by the turbo boost button at the end of the vibe. Essentially, it seems like an extra level of steady vibration, which you can press when orgasm is near, to set you over the edge. I didn’t find the boost to be that powerful, and the fact that you need to hold it down also hampers the effect. It would make more sense if, say, I could press the boost button once and get a few seconds of extra power without needing to hold it.

Nevertheless, there are a few understated qualities of the boss that make him a pleasure to work with. He’s not afraid to get his hands wet, which makes him perfect for use in the shower and easy to clean.

If you can’t tell yet, I’ve really gotten used to working with the Boss and I look forward to our teamwork in the future.

11 Comments

Categories: Reviews, Vibrators

X: The Erotic Treasury

May 12th, 2009

X: The Erotic Treasury
$18.92 from Amazon

There is usually a book or two sitting on my nightstand and, up until now, they have been inconspicuous. Long novels whose covers are adorned with people on horses and flaming swords are a favorite (I look forward to rereading Weis and Hickman’s Death Gate Series). I have also enjoyed Absolute Sandman, which includes some impressive-looking books by Gaiman (rest assured that his writing rivals, if not surpasses, the look of these tomes!); so I am no stranger to beautiful books. And books are no stranger to my bedroom, even erotic ones. But I’ve never had a book quite like X: The Erotic Treasury, grace my nightstand before. Chances are, neither have you.

On the surface, X shares some characteristics of other books I’ve turned to before bed. Like the Ultimate Sandman, it is hardcover and slip-cased, a reprinting of previously published works. Like 5 Minute Erotica, it is a volume of quality erotic writings from two dozen authors, and it will most certainly turn you on. But the fact that it is like both of those books really makes it something else entirely. I don’t think anyone in the business of producing racy reading material has ever gone this route. I think this gives both the editor (Susie Bright) and the publisher (Chronicle Books) an edge over the competition. Quite simply, they did it first.

What is it that they did, exactly? They published a book of the best of the best, with a sexual twist. Susie Bright compiled two dozen stories, many of which were previously published in collections like Best American Erotica or Best Women’s Erotica, to tease and please us. With over 300 pages of erotic content, there is simply a lot more to this collection than others I have written. There’s really not much of a comparison.

On top of the quality stories, the powers that be also decided to make X a book that was also pleasing to the eyes. Slightly larger than most erotica, this hardcover book is encased in red fabric featuring a floral-esque motif in a not-quite-black pattern. The front and back covers are bare, and I’ve opened the book upside down a time or two, but this is not something about which I am overly concerned. On the spine of the book, you will find the name of both the editor and anthology in a very complimentary gold tone. The book fits comfortably in a slipcase that features the same floral design, with colors switched (the not-quite-black is more predominant). On the front of the slipcase, the letter X has been cut so the cover of the book itself will show through. It’s really quite impressive.

Ms. Bright did a wonderful job editing – I noticed no typos or other publishing errors – as well as picking the stories/authors to publish. The caliber of writing in this book is extremely high. It makes me ashamed when I think my writing is any good. The pieces showcased in X are by talented, articulate wordsmiths who are not afraid to express themselves. You can start from the beginning or end or anywhere in between and find yourself immersed in great storytelling.

The stories are of varying subjects, some of which may be considered taboo. They are not your run-of-the-mill erotica written by a bored housewife; they are each truly unique stories. Some are scenarios more creative than my fantasies will ever be, while others are the result of creative minds, skillfully retelling stories, familiar to us all, in ways that seem refreshed. If I have any criticisms of X, is it not about the quality of the stories?

As a testament to the quality of these pieces, I can tell you that I found myself being aroused, more than once, by situations that I do not necessarily consider erotic because the writer is simply that good. This is the case with Michael Dorsey, whose story “Milk” revolves around a Ukrainian engineer living in Russia, following a harsh winter when milk is in high demand. After searching the entire day for the elusive liquid to sate his thirst. He finds his salvation close to home and suckles from a mother’s breast. I have never been a fan of this scenario. Even as I write, I do not like it. Yet, when I read it, Mr. Dorsey’s words turned me on.

Of course, there were plenty of scenes that are more typically arousing for me and proved to be in this book. One piece, “The Man Who Are Women,” chronicles a night of drunken debauchery in which a young man accepts a dare to perform oral on random women while blindfolded. Oral sex is always a winner for me, and this story was no exception.

I also enjoyed Peggy Munson’s “Fairgrounds,” which touched on disability and gender play, as well as “Red Light, Green Light” by Shanna Germain, whose words paint a picture of women partaking in traditional activities in Amsterdam’s red light district (with a twist, of course).

Of course, I didn’t expect to like every story in this book. I found some pieces sexual but personally sexy. I think the stories I didn’t love illustrate quite well what I see as the biggest faults of this collection. First, unlike 5 Minute Erotica, these pieces are not necessarily short. Some are short (for better or worse), but most are longer. This isn’t a problem if I like the content or at least the style of writing, but a long piece that I do not like, as compared to a short one, seems that much worse. Even pieces that contained arousing parts sometimes took too long to get to the “good stuff” for my taste. I suppose I just like my erotica quick and to the point.

Secondly, because these are simply outstanding pieces, some of them simply are not erotic to me. I followed some of them with interest because the storyteller was gifted and the story itself was interesting, but I thought to myself, more than once, “Well, it’s good, but it’s not turning me on.” This was the case with a futuristic story about some sort of cyborg who got off to computerized women in the form of software (“The Portable Girlfriend”). Another story involved the coming of age of a man who has spent his life with a pair of women who embodied every teenager boy’s fantasy (think classic cheerleader), after being granted a wish (“Wish Girls”). I liked the story and was interested in what happened to the main character. Yet, it was written in such a way that something I would normally find erotic just wasn’t.

The high-quality writing contained within these pages sometimes seems to lack the down-and-dirty sexuality of most erotica. However, these common ideas can be the most arousing. Occasionally, I would find myself wondering if high-quality writing and erotica were not mutually exclusive. It seemed like some of the authors preferred hinting at the sex or writing a story that involved sex but was not necessarily about it. I know this is not always the case, as X: The Erotic Treasury contained many well-written pieces that did involve blatant sexuality, yet others made me wonder why they were chosen with this book.

I suppose it must take just as skillful a writer to take something I would generally consider erotic and turn it into something simply interesting, as it does to take the mundane or anti-erotic and make it arousing. Rest assured, all of the authors who have had work included in X: The Erotic Treasury have written pieces worth reading (as is this collection worth perusing). I’m just not sure all of them belong in an anthology of erotica.

15 Comments

Categories: Books, Reviews

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