“Help! I Can’t Orgasm”

July 7th, 2009

I remember a time when I was a girl talking to a boy and I thrived on our sexually charged interactions but, when the time for us to actually have sex loomed on the horizon, I felt as though I needed to clear the air between us. I felt like a liar even though I’d never explicitly said it, I’d given him the impression that I was capable of orgasm and, because I was incapable of having an orgasm, I felt like a failure. It was almost traumatic, telling that boy my deep, dark secret and, even though that boy now teases me as the girl who used to think she would never orgasm, those same fears of failure, disappointment and even the guilt over lying are commonplace among women who are not able to achieve orgasm (yet).

You’re Not Alone

It’s frustrating to feel that way, certainly, but it’s not uncommon. The women who are in that situation vary. One common denominator is that these women often feel their age has something to do with it. Forums and chatrooms and inboxes and talk radio are full of “I’m X years old and I’ve never had an orgasm!” with X ranging from 18 – 80. There’s a certain sense of living life unfulfilled, especially the older they are. The younger women often seem to feel that, because they are apart of a generation which considers sex a given and information is so freely available via the internet, that they must be broken if they have not been able to orgasm.

Either way, women of all ages (and elasticities and locations and sexual orientations, so on and so forth) are no stranger to lack of orgasm. It’s neither a young woman’s problem or an old woman’s problem or a white woman’s problem or a straight woman’s problem. It’s not even a problem that affects only those who do not masturbate or only those who are lacking proper sex education or only those who have selfish partners.

And advice which assumes any of those things tends to come off as too general to be helpful. They tell you “practice makes perfect” so get to masturbating and, that’s true, unless you’re practicing incorrectly. They tell you communication is key and that’s also true, unless you don’t know what to communicate or your partner doesn’t care. They tell you it’s easier with a caring partner but that doesn’t make it easy. They tell you to be comfortable with your own skin but they don’t tell you how. I think you get the picture.

You’re Not a Freak

What they don’t often tell you is that it’s okay not to orgasm. The fact is, that some women and, yes, even some men cannot and will not no matter how much time they spend at it. Of course, it’s hard to believe that when everywhere we turn, we’re told that the goal (maybe even the point of sexuality) is orgasm. That’s what movies tell us when beautiful stars erotically explode – and simultaneously, no less! – on screen. It’s even reflected when sex ends as our male partners orgasm. If their end-game is orgasm, shouldn’t ours be? It’s a belief deeply steeped in tradition.

I’d like to challenge that belief. If you stare to fixedly on that goal, you’ll miss the other pleasures – both physical and emotional – sex has to offer. Does oral sex feel any less good if I don’t orgasm? No. Does orgasm necessarily make intercourse more worth the while? No. Does lack of orgasm detract from emotional intimacy? Again, no. I’d like to stress that sex can still be highly rewarding for all parties despite a lack of orgasm. In fact, many people consistently enjoy having sex without having orgasm, without even thinking that something is lacking from their sex lives.

Because it’s not.

Orgasm is bonus and even though I’ve had my fair share, it’s not something I rely on. Even if I feel frustration, and it’s certainly human, I’ve learned to let it go. Maybe next time, maybe not. Either way it’s okay. And it’s that letting go which is essential. More than one woman has been able to experience orgasm only after she stops trying for it. Orgasms have surprised the unexpecting during long and luxurious sexual sessions with no goal in sight just as they have come upon women who are doing no more than the laundry or reading a book. And a welcome surprise it is but it’s only the cherry on top of the sundae.

Not only is it normal to have difficult achieving orgasm or to not be able to but it’s okay if that doesn’t change. It’s okay if that’s not your goal. It’s okay if it is, too, but you shouldn’t spend so much time working toward it that sex actually becomes a negative, unpleasant experience. It’s okay to be however you are.

Experimentation is Key

Sometimes it’s the case that women who are struggling with orgasm have masturbated and just haven’t gotten much from it. They may not have experimented with different styles or focuses of masturbation, which I have touched on before. The same can be said for sex.

  • If you have previously focused on internal, vaginal stimulation, try clitoral stimulation or even stimulation of other areas of the body like the nipples.
  • If you’re focused on fingers or a penis, try a sex toy.
  • If you’re tried vibration to no luck, try stroking or tapping or twisting.
  • If you normally masturbate lying, try sitting, leaning, squatting, or on all fours.
  • If missionary sex is your repertoire, expand it to include doggie style, girl on top, spooning, or side by side sex.
  • If you only participate in PIV, try oral, manual stimulation, anal or a combination of several.
  • Try stimulating the back wall of the vagina, instead of the front, or the areas around the clitoris instead of the clitoris itself.

But don’t do anything if it’s uncomfortable, stressful or otherwise unpleasurable. Remember to enjoy yourself.

Check Your Head Space

Unfortunately, orgasm is that much more likely to happen if you do experiment so reluctance to engage on sexual activity is not very conducive to achieving your goal. If you have mental hang ups regarding your body, your relationship or your sexuality, you will need to work through them and some of them may even be bigger than you alone can handle.

I highly recommend talking to your partner about the feelings and thoughts you have; our partners can be our greatest resources (especially when it comes to feeling good about ourselves) when it comes to sexual frustration and often desire no more than to make us happy but don’t always know how. On the other hand, if you are unwilling or unable to talk with your partner (or they are), then your inability to orgasm could easily be linked to unhappiness stemming from your relationship. Especially for women, happiness inside the bedroom starts outside of it.

Sometimes simply discussion with family or friends can relieve what has plagued us for years. Connecting with others who share your concerns may be key to unlocking the issue and you may be able to find a support group either locally or online – like these on WebMD. Just browsing the internet or reading a magazine which is sex positive can help you realize that sexuality and exploration are both normal and healthy, and by association, so is exploration of those facets of your life.

Whatever your issue, a self help book, which enables you to delve deeper into the root of the problem instead of simply the symptom (inability to orgasm), may do the trick; they can be especially helpful with tips to help improve self image. However, sometimes problems are so large that we need to seek outside, professional help. Although taking that step can be frightening and finding a professional who is right for you can be frustrating in itself, and involve its own trial and error, it can open to doors to being a more fulfilling satisfaction in your sex life and other areas.

Of course, in today’s world where information is freely available online, many of these resources from books to support groups to professionals can be had from the comfort of ones own home (and without the apprehension one may feel at reaching out). You might try Googling “Sex Positive Professional in [Your Location]”, “sexuality support groups”, “improving self image” or “communication about sex with your partner” for starters. There are absolutely no limits to finding information just as there should be no limits when it comes to expressing your sexuality in a healthy and pleasurable manner, whether or not orgasm is included.

2 Comments

Categories: Articles

Firsts

May 6th, 2009

From birth, we are trained to commemorate our “firsts.” There is an entire self-publishing platform marketed for these firsts. It is called a babybook. And into these books for locks of hair and hand prints and those first tiny baby booties that seem too small to be real. Other, less tangible and sometimes more bulky, memories fit into the baby book in the form of photos or stories and we fawn over the books almost as much as the babies until, somehow, someway, they wind up in the bottom of a drawer or in the back of the attack, gathering dust.

But that is neither here nor there. However it does go to show that, as a society, we obsess over firsts. It’s in our veins, if you will. Sex is no exception, either. In fact, it might be the epitome of firsts. The “big one”. Virginity. Of course, we don’t put pictures of that in a book (well, some might).

There is a fine line to walk. Certainly I think making that the decision to lose one’s virginity should not be done so lightly. On the other hand, it placing too much significance on the cherry poppin’ can cause a lot of unnecessary stress.

I told all this to a good friend who felt a bit left out. Perhaps “left out” is not the right way to describe it. She was sick and tired of the world saying “But you don’t know what you’re missing!” and feeling like a freak. Yet, she was also afraid of all of that inevitable stuff; you know, the pain and bleeding, the emotional trauma and heartbreak after he leaves. She wanted it to be perfect, like in the movies.

Having sex for the first time is a lot of things, but perfect isn’t one of them. I told her that. I told her that if she waits forever she may miss out on something worthwhile but if she really wasn’t ready, she didn’t have to prove anything to anyone, not even herself.

“It’s easy for you to say,” she responded. Maybe it is easy for me to say. Maybe the decision was easier for me. After all, I lost it to someone who I loved and who loved me in return. I was in a happy, long term and, until 3 days before the act, long distance relationship. There was never any doubt as to whether or not it would happen, just when (quickly, if you didn’t catch on).

And I married my first, which some might think as a happy ending. Although, truthfully, there’s some sacrifice to it, too. I probably won’t ever have the opportunity to explore my sexuality with anyone else, a fact which is both comforting yet frightening at the same time. Of course, one could argue that he does not get to explore anymore of his sexuality with anyone else but we all know that I am the best he’ll ever have in all ways. 😉 (And really, I like to think that what we bring to the table for one another makes it worthwhile in the end.)

I guess I was lucky, too. My first time wasn’t painful or bloody. It wasn’t necessarily pleasureful and while it was awkward and not glorious, it felt right. It wasn’t a drunken one night stand. He didn’t break up with me the next day and while it wasn’t all fireworks, I wouldn’t call it disappointing. But I think I went into it with realistic expectations. I think that’s harder for females to do. Sex mimics masturbation for guys and most of them have done so by their first time but it’s not like that at all for girls. We hear the horror stories and we expect to feel like a chainsaw is ripping us apart. Apprehension runs rampant when you fear for your life.

I didn’t expect anything to change, and it didn’t. Except that we were now having sex all the time and I could talk about it with my other deflowered friends (Hey, it was cool). That is crucial to making a memory of your first time that will make you smile rather than haunt you from there on out. My friend, like many people, thought that sex will change something, sometimes something that has been horribly wrong with the relationship as long as anyone can remember.

But sex is not a miracle cure. To be cliche, sex is like putting a band-aid over a bullet hole. Even if it does seem to work, at first, it won’t be long term. Frequently, the wound festers even more because of the superficial healing. When everything comes out, it’s that much worse.

Which was why I shied away from telling her to go for it. In a healthy relationship, sex can do a lot for you but he had been pressing for sex for months and she had simply wanted him to apply himself to their relationship. I had my suspicions and, like the good friend who lets others make their own mistakes, kept my mouth shut. Needless to say, I wasn’t surprised when the outcome was a little disappointing. Things may have seemed better initially but the same problems resurfaced.

And she felt hurt. She had given him something you could never put a price on and his actions seemed to disregard her gift. Her feelings, while understandable, also reflect the disappointment of countless people who expect too much for sex, either out of desperation or because they simply don’t know what to expect.

In the end, no one can prepare you. You can be prepared for the worst but, then, you won’t ever be able to reap the benefits of sex. You can expect Hollywood with perfect bodies and simultaneous, screaming orgasm. You can put your life on hold waiting for the impossible. Or you can accept that it will happen how it happens, knowing that the fantasies we entertain can never be reality.

A little awkwardness will not ruin everything. It may even make the memory sweeter. In the end, you won’t be left with a photograph of what went wrong, but of the feelings of the moment. If you’re too busy lamenting and picky at the faults, it won’t be much of a feeling.

You only have one “first” with sex but, just like anything else, you have plenty of time to get it right, even if things don’t turn out as expected.

12 Comments

Categories: Articles

Let it Rain

February 17th, 2009

There is something so erotic about rain, even moreso thunderstorms.  It’s as though the lightning travels through the air, straight into my veins. I love warm, stormy nights. Of course, they’d perfect for sleeping soundly but there’s even more electrifying things to do in bed during a thunderstorm.

I love to crack open the windows, to feel the humidity. I love the scent of rain. Precipitation on blacktop. I remember once, I had just opened the blinds, and opened the patio door in the bedroom just a bit. Thunder rolled and lightning crackled, lighting up the room briefly.

I don’t remember if we had been lying in bed, trying to sleep or what. But I do remember our kiss, my back to the window and soon our clothes were coming off, thunder playing the soundtrack to our intimacy and lightning setting the mood. I can’t remember the sex itself anymore but I remember the feeling. I remember thinking how incredibly erotic it was; I had always loved storms and the adrenaline pumping through my veins. It wasn’t long until something else was pumping in my body.

I recall another time, we walked through the pouring rain across town. I was wearing a tank top, black with lace straps and the rain weighed it down against my breasts. It had already been a little tight and I felt super sexual. We both wanted to find a place to have sex but none was to be found. We grew soaked to the bone, chilled with the rain – it was not a warm night. We stopped, huddled in a doorframe but it was no shelter and soon we made out way back home, towelled off and crawled into bed warming each other with our bodies.

1 Comment

Categories: Stories

and Love

February 6th, 2009

Although this blog is entitled of Sex and Love, I don’t often talk about the love aspect much. I don’t really talk about there sex that much, come to think of it. As it happens, I spend more time thinking about sex than actually having it and it’s not necessarily a bad thing. As much as I didn’t want to post explicitly about my sex life under my real name, I feel hesitant to post too much identifying information about my love life here. Still I thought I could at least introduce you to the object of both my love and desire: my husband.

We met online over 5 years ago. We both weren’t looking for anyone and our relationship started out sexually charged. It has stayed that way ever since. There is never a day when he isn’t groping my breasts or my ass and while it can be a bit annoying (I insisted on a no funny business in the kitchen rule!), it’s also insanely flattering. The way he is so easily aroused by just lying next to me is incredibly arousing in itself and he has never once made me feel that he thinks of me anything less of beautiful.

In bed, he’s quick to profess how he’s missed being inside me, missed tasting me. He showers me with compliments and is always eager to have his face between my legs, mouth working around my clit. I cannot help but smile as I see him move his hand beneath him to stroke his own cock as he does this, like clockwork. Seeing him so turned on by me, by pleasing me, only turns me on.

We will be married 4 years this summer. Unfortunately, I don’t think he will be able to be here for our anniversary as he is currently deployed. Such was the case for our first anniversary as well; although he still sent me roses which I kept by my bed until not a petal was left.

He is goofy and cute, funny and real. This adorable awkwardness is how I knew he was real when we chatted online, staying up until all hours of the morning as we shared naughty pictures and racy words. He is simply the best partner I’ve ever found at cybersex and I would often feel the thrill rushing through my veins, my pussy dripping wet as we typed back and forth.

I miss how he makes me laugh. Sometimes I do something and imagine how he might make fun of me. I miss his voice. I miss the voice he would use in bed, slightly lowered and whispering into my ear. I miss feeling his body next to me, even just as we sleep. I miss crawling into bed next to him, kissing the skin on his back and cuddling close. I miss spooning, his cock hard against my ass. Even if nothing would happen, he was ever-erect.

I miss grasping his hair, my hand on the back of my head as he goes down on me. I miss leaning over him, brushing my lips and tongue over his chest, skin perfectly smooth. I loved to leave marks and he loved to be marked. It lets the world know that he is mine. Before he left, he asked to do the same to me and sucked on my own neck. I never looked in the mirror to see if it left a mark. I wish I would have.

I miss the look and the feel of his hips. So fucking sexy. I miss groping and grabbing him. I miss humping and grinding against him, his leg, his hip, his cock, his face. I miss coming together and falling asleep after.

I could kick myself for not doing that more often. I will when he returns.

2 Comments

Categories: Everything Else

It’s that time of year..

December 30th, 2008

You know, the end of the year. So, why not some time for reminiscing?

What were your best and least toys (and toy experiences) this year?

Care to tell us about your best and worst sexual experiences?

Any other best and worsts that really stuck with it?

1 Comment

Categories: Everything Else

Moody Blues

November 17th, 2008

Sex, like everything else for me, has a lot to do with my mood and how I feel. It’s the same when I order food from a restaurant or choose what to wear or even when to check the mail. I have to feel like it’s a good time. The downside to this is things like choosing when to check the mail have fewer factors and there is much less preventing me from feeling like it’s a good time.

On the other side, being in the mood for sex seems to rely on so many factors. Do I feel physically okay? Perhaps my heard hurts or I have a full stomach because I just ate. Maybe my jaw hurts so oral sex it out of the question. Do I feel sexually appealing? Do I feel clean? Have I recently used the bathroom? Is my partner appealing to me at the moment? Does he seem clean? Do I have enough time? Is there something else I could be doing? Do I even want to put forth the energy?

I know that, in reality, there is no perfect time to have sex. I accept that. Still, I have such a hard time makingthe effort if things aren’t as close to perfect as possible. On another post, someone said “Sometimes you just have to realise that when your hair is sticking up and you’re wearing ‘laundry day underwear’ you can still have the most amazing orgasm!” but that simply is not true for me. These factors always feel so significant to me and, once I think about them, I am no longer in the mood to have sex.

It’s frustrating that we do not have sex as often or spontaneously as I think either of us would like. Time is definitely not on our side either. So why is it that I have such a hard time not being able to accept the reality of things? I’ve always been disappointed by the little letdowns and it seems this is no exception. How do I change it?

Comment

Categories: Everything Else

It’s all coming back to me now

October 29th, 2008

We’ve had sex a bit more recently than usual this week, for which I am grateful. I think we so often don’t have enough time or I’m waiting for the mood to be just right – what I do for everything ,not just sex – and it just doesn’t happen. We enjoyed his days off by being romantic and intimate. I have missed closeness, rather than just having sex. It has been very pleasureable. We also tried out a few new implements on the bedroom including some basic cock and ball rings and Kama Sutra’s Raspberry Kiss Honey Dust (Wow!). Both really added to the experience and I think he is now more open to the idea of more toys and such in the future which is just awesome.  It seems like a spark has been reignited and I’m not sure I even noticed it was out!

2 Comments

Categories: Everything Else

Image © MisterUnlucky; used with permission.